Serena and John: The Conclusion

I raised my glass again to them in recognition. They smiled but with restraint. I turned to Serena.

"I raised my glass to Serena in tribute to 25 wonderful years of marriage but I didn't drink. None of you noticed that except Serena. I think now you all know why I put my glass down."

Serena was looking at me with eyes that were shining with unshed tears. Her face showed such pain and sorrow that it almost broke my heart. I was so overwhelmed that I just looked at her as I struggled for control. Finally, I spoke again.

"Serena. I want to raise my glass to you now, in front of our children and their lovely wives. This time, I want to toast you for giving me 25 years of happiness and for giving me the gift of two wonderful sons. You have been by my side through good times and bad times. You never complained during those years we struggled to make ends meet. You never complained when money was tight and you did all you could to help our family grow and survive and finally to prosper."

I watched her face as she listened to my words. I saw a flash of the old Serena when I spoke of our sons and our life together, but it quickly began to fade as she retreated into that dark place she had been in for the past month. I hurried on.

"I have spoken to all of you this past week, and I had dinner with Sally a day ago. All of you reminded me of things I have been to hurt to think about. I was living in my own self pity and had no time to think of anything or anyone else. I have done nothing else for the last few days but think of those things. It was a revelation to me that I had forgotten so many things."

I turned to Serena, looking only at her and raised my glass to her.

"I toast Serena, my wife of 25 years and hope that she will share the rest of her life with me as my wife."

With that, I raised my glass in tribute and drank it down.

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I wish I could say that the next few years were as pleasant as I had hoped. That was not the case, but Serena and I did move forward. There were good days and bad days but we signed on for that when we were married. Serena, as promised, did everything she could to make up for what she had done, and I tried as hard as I could to forget what I heard between her and Bill in their hotel room. It was not easy but slowly, and with help from professionals and from our children, we moved forward.

We had finally reached a point after a year of very hard work where we could live together as husband and wife. We tried to regain some of the intimacy in the bedroom that we had lost and Serena began to smile more and try to share in plans for our future, but I still lived with the shadow of the past and I was beginning to fear that I was not going to be able to move past it. There were many times when Serena went out shopping or visiting with some of her friends from the gym that I found myself wondering if she were with Bill or someone else. When she came home, I became critical over little things or made caustic comments about where she had been. I often heard Serena crying in the middle of the night after those times. I was also finding it difficult to share the intimacy that I had always treasured. Memories of her and Bill intruded at odd times and made normal lovemaking impossible.

I believe we were moving toward the time when we both were ready to admit that perhaps we could not continue to live together as husband and wife. I saw it in Serena's eyes and I felt it in my gut. It was not a question of love; we loved each other desperately, but it wasn't enough. We went from day to day with things at an impasse and I saw no way to break out of it. I admit that it was mostly my fault but I couldn't help it.

It was about 18 months after Serena and I had reconciled that we received a phone call in the middle of the night. I was the first to get the phone and it was from Ben, telling me that Carrie had miscarried and was in the hospital. I was surprised since we had no idea that she was even pregnant. He sounded in a panic and I told him to hold on till I got there. I hung up, and in response to Serena's questions, told her what had happened. She got up immediately and said she was going with me.

We arrived at the hospital and found Ben waiting for us in the surgical waiting room. He looked terrible and my heart went out to him. Serena went to him immediately and she held him as she had so many times when he was just a boy. He needed her comfort now just as he had then. She held him and whispered into his ear and I watched as he calmed down. He finally released her and came to me.

"She's in bad shape, dad. She was bleeding so bad and I didn't know what to do. They won't tell me anything and I'm going crazy just waiting."

He was worried and afraid and I could tell than he was on the verge of a breakdown. I spoke to him and told him I would find out for him. I pushed him down beside Serena and went in search of a doctor or nurse with information.

A doctor finally came out to see Ben and the news wasn't great. He told him that Carrie was in intensive care and was on life support. They had given her blood and her pressure was stabilized, but he said that the next few hours were critical: if she came out of it soon, she would probably have a full recovery. If not, things would be grim. We could only wait.

As we waited with our son, I could only pray for the best. He and Carrie were so young and they had the rest of their lives ahead of them. If Carrie recovered they would be fine and could try again. That was our prayer. As we waited, Ben looked at me and made a gesture to follow him as he left.

I told Serena that I was going to go with Ben just to help him in any way I could. She just smiled and squeezed my hand. I walked into the hallway where Ben had gone. He was standing there, looking out a window into the darkness. I walked up to him and put my arm around his shoulders, and I could feel him trembling.

"What if I lose her dad? What will I do? I don't want to do this without her in my life. I don't care about anything else. If this means she can't have kids, I don't care. We can adopt. I just want her to live. I don't want to live without her."

"Don't say that son. You aren't going to lose her. She is going to be fine. You have to stay strong for her and go on."

As I held him in my arms, I remembered a conversation I had with myself some time ago. I remember telling myself with some degree of smugness that I could always live without Serena. I told myself the real question was could I live with what she had done. But looking at my son, hurting because he was afraid he was going to lose the one he loved, I thought again about what I had told myself.

The truth was that I had convinced myself that I could live without Serena. I could just walk away, nursing my wounded pride, and never look back. I could and did do just that but I knew that she would still be there when I came back. She would be there with our sons.

Now, as I looked at my son, hurting and afraid of losing his love, I wondered whether I was right. If he had a choice, he would do anything to save her. If he had a choice, he would never let her go. But he had no choice where I did, and what did I choose? We all know my choice.

Was I really the one to give my son advice in this time of need? Could I say to him let her go, son? You can get by without her son. You don't need her son. Look at me son. I let the one I love go; I walked away; I got by. Be like me son, strong, macho and full of pride. Be like me: alone. The answer was clear. No!

As we stood there together, Serena came out and called for Ben. The doctor was waiting for him. Ben tore away and ran into the waiting room, hoping to hear his prayers were answered.

"Mrs. Parsons is awake and she's going to be fine. We stopped the bleeding and repaired the damage and she's doing well. She is awake and wants to see you. If you come with me, I'll take you to her."

Ben smiled at us, hugged his mother and went with the doctor. As he walked away to be with his wife, granted another chance to be with the one he loved, I looked over at Serena. She had tears of joy in her eyes as she watched her son go to his wife. She turned to me and I went to her. I took her in my arms and whispered into her ear.

"I don't want to live without you, now or ever. I'm sorry for the way I have been behaving and I don't care about the past. I just want to be with you and love you and concentrate on our future together. If you can forgive me for the way I have been acting, I would be grateful. I don't think I would want to live without you either. Our son reminded me of that."

"Oh John, there is nothing to forgive you for. I made a terrible mistake and I will have to live with my guilt for the rest of my life, but you have nothing to be sorry for. I love you and I just forgot that for a while. I'll never forget it again. I promise."

Michael and Julie came rushing in at that moment and we gave them the good news. Our family was going to be OK. We were both given a second chance at happiness and I was going to take mine.

The End.