Serena's Inheritance

"Come on, Thurston. Let's go for that walk." He jumped up, understanding what I said but not what I felt as his tail was wagging furiously. "Back in a bit," I said, as casually as I could and Mr. black and hairy and I were out the door.

Outside, Thurston immediately ran and jumped, dashing into the woods and back around me, sometimes banging into my legs in his unbridled enthusiasm. I was just walking, wondering why there were no tears, then realizing they were being evaporated by the heat of my growing anger.

I had no right to be angry. Nothing had been said that would somehow bind us to each other. No words at least. True, there were those intimate moments we had shared. And, there were those few moments in that shed that had seemed, at the time, to change my life so fatefully. But still.

I found myself walking along the road and, appropriately it seemed, the light had faded as dark clouds had covered the sun. Before I even realized it, I could see the house. Duane's house. Not his anymore though. There was a patch of Iris blooming right beside the road, their purple color still bright, even in the diminished light. I knew they didn't grow from seeds so someone had to plant them, at least one of them, right here. I truly loved flowers, their delicate beauty and fragrance so fascinating and yet somehow undefinable, that they could be so identical year after year. I furiously snatched a bloom from its stalk, ripped the petals off and threw them into the road where I knew they would eventually be crushed by passing cars. It was futile, but that's the way I felt.

Thurston was barking loudly now, disturbed by something. Before I could even begin to stand, I heard his voice.

"Thurston, if you're running loose clear up here, that can only mean one thing. Serena, where are you?" A hugely bright and cheerful voice, in sharp contrast to the gathering darkness, that was easily recognized as Auden's, Duane's older brother, echoed through the woods. "There you are," he called, coming into view. "Are you okay. You didn't fall, did you?" He was running toward me.

"No, no, I'm fine. Just sitting here enjoying the flowers."

"Oh, good. It's always so good to see you back here, and Thurston loves it too I'm sure." Perhaps he saw the despondent look on my face -- there was no way I could hide it. If I'd tried to smile, I think it would have been hideously twisted and unnatural. "Yes," he said very gently, understanding me better than I could have expected and sitting down beside me. "I'm sure you must have heard from your Auntie. It was a shock, I bet."

I nodded my head.

"To us too. We had no idea. Plus, the way you two seemed to hit it off, I was totally surprised. With me away at college, Duane and I didn't get to talk much. And he wasn't one to share a lot anyway." He glanced over at me. "I'm sorry," he ventured. "You might not want to speak of this at all."

"Was she . . .?" That word again, the one that just wouldn't pass my lips.

"Pregnant?" It was just a word but it slammed against me like an errant swinging door. "We have no idea," he continued. "If she was, it certainly wasn't showing and neither of them were saying anything. And I mean, almost literally, they were not saying anything. Then they just disappeared."

Thurston was back and, surprisingly, he lay down beside me, content to be there while he awaited his next adventure.

"Listen, this may be silly," Auden went on. "But have you ever thought of our names. Duane and Auden."

Of course, I had thought of them but I had no idea what his meaning was today. And I wasn't sure that I cared.

"Think of them. Think of the letters."

I was in no mood for thinking, at least about that, but perhaps Auden was doing his best to somehow comfort me. So, I thought. A-u-d-e-n and D-u-a-n-e. Nothing.

"Each have five letters," he said, helping me along. And then I saw it. They each had the same five letters. As my eyes went wide with the realization Auden added, "It's my mother's thing. She thought it was very clever to do that."

Despite the way I felt, I couldn't help but smile, both at the congruity of the names and his obvious effort to be helpful. And, his big smile in return was helpful and a bit comforting as well.

"Have you graduated now?" I was able to ask.

"I have indeed, and I'll be moving to Atlanta in a week to begin my new job."

"Sounds exciting."

"Looking forward to it." He paused, then stood up. "I'm afraid I do need to get going now." He offered his hand and I grasped it and stood up. Thurston did the same, ready to go. "Listen," he continued, a sad but somehow consoling expression on his face. He still held my hand. "I knew it before, but it's so evident today as well, that you had special feelings for Duane. I wish that I had answers to the many questions that must be filling your head. I'm so, so sorry I don't. You deserve more." His arms went around me and he gave me a warm and comforting hug. "I'll be leaving but hopefully we'll run into each other again."

"I'll come and bid you goodbye, if that's okay. A week from today?"

"Exactly," he said. He crouched and gave Thurston a good rubbing on his back. "Take care of this boy, okay."

Of course, I would. He waved and I returned it and we parted. But I had one more thing I wanted, perhaps needed, to do.

I backtracked up the road, Thurston dancing along beside me and around me. His joy was unabated, just being with me again and running with me through the woods. He was as I had thought I would be this summer. Perhaps later I'd be able to share that joy with him, as we'd done these past years. Perhaps.

Soon I was on that path that I had only trod once before. That day last year when Duane had led me along it. It wasn't far now and Thurston was much more cautious in his roaming as he wasn't familiar with this spot at all. He often crowded against my legs, nearly tumbling me off the narrow path. As I neared that ramshackle place, that place I had thought was my awakening spot, only to have that awakening covered by a nearly invisible mist of guilt and shame that was still growing and I somehow knew would be hiding me from life and the world around me, my mind was a jumble. My footsteps slowed as I knew I was getting close.

I stopped in my tracks at the sight of it. There was only one thing I wanted to do. I began a deliberate walk toward it, my stomach beginning to twist with the rage building there. Had he brough her here too? Had he brought others, unsuspecting ones like I had been? Were there marks on the walls, the "notches in his gun" to count his conquests? What ghosts were hidden by those twisted and decayed walls? My mind was raging nearly incoherently, all sensibility and control lost in the bitterness and animosity that was possessing me.

My foot lashed out at the first precariously hanging board and I relished the sight of it flying through the air. The door was hanging, barely clinging to its appointed place, but at an awkward angle. Both feet took care of that and the sound of it splintering only urged me onward. Now inside, I saw the place, that simple bare place that had seemed so nearly sacred to me in my daydreams from the recent past. I prayed that I'd be sick enough to retch on it, to defile it forever, just as I'd been defiled. But I could only spit so I spat and spat until my mouth was filled with cotton, and still I spat, trying to spew out everything that was despoiling what had once been mine. I lashed at it with a rotted board, time after time, the constant barking of Thurston not affecting me at all. There was one window still intact and I ended its life as I felt mine had nearly been ended, the shattering glass spraying everywhere. Now Thurston's barking and jumping shook me back toward reality as I couldn't stand to think of him cutting his feet due to my enraged and capricious behavior and I ran outside, collapsing against a giant oak tree.

The tears began. They rolled out unrelentingly. I could feel them splashing on my leg. They should have been there before but I was too resolute to let that happen anytime outside of my control or a place not of my choosing. But here, all of that was gone, the control no longer there, and I was sobbing loudly, Thurston licking my face, not understanding what was happening to the girl who always ran and played with him. He lay down beside me and I put my head on his back, my tears soaking his shiny black fur.

I tried speaking softly to him, to console him, and the incongruity of that seemed to reign in both my anger and my anguish. They were completed, at least for now.

I gave Thurston a big kiss on the top of his head and got a lick on the cheek in return. I stood up, not even giving the shed a backward glance and we headed home together, ready for another three months of summer.

Chapter 2

"You were gone a long time, honey. Is everything okay." Auntie met me at the front porch, a look of concern on her face.

"I was a little upset but everything's fine now," I said, surprising myself that I was able to smile what I thought to be a very sincere looking smile.

"That's good. We were a little worried."

"No need. Thurston and I just had a great time getting to know each other again." He was leaning against my leg as I spoke, nearly pushing me over one more time.

"He's always so glad to see you. He doesn't get to run too much when it's just the two of us."

"He does love to run. Oh, and I saw Auden too. He's moving to Atlanta."

"Yes, I know. His mother was very excited when she told me. With both Auden and Duane gone, their house will certainly be different."

I wondered if I should tell her about the names. "Do you know something odd about those names?" I asked, a knowing smile on my face.

"You mean the same five letters," was Auntie's quick reply.

"Now you've ruined my surprise," I giggled and she joined me with her little laugh. Normalcy seemed to be returning much quicker than I had expected.

"We knew it when she named Duane. She was proud of her cleverness."

Auntie had said the name and I hadn't cringed or winced or begun to tremble. Maybe the tears had cured everything, expunging the total aggregate of all that had happened the last three summers, cleaning my slate so it was ready for the next entries, whatever or whoever they might be. Yet, even having these thoughts told me that wasn't quite true.

"It is kind of unique," I suggested, my eyes drifting off toward . . .

"Listen. Granny and I have something important to tell you. Come inside and we can get started."

Now that certainly did pique my curiosity. What important thing could they have. I'd heard enough important things for one day, more than enough. More than enough for my entire fragile life actually. What was coming next?

We went inside and Granny was there, of course, a big smile on her face. I was thinking, "what the hell is up," but I would never say anything like that. I think Auntie might still seriously consider washing my mouth out with nasty lye soap if she still had any of it around. It was hard to find in stores but she somehow managed and Granny still liked it and used it.

"You may already know this," Auntie began.

I already knew lots of things but I didn't know if I knew this thing. It seemed sometimes that she delighted in tormenting me. Maybe it was just her age.

"We enjoy so much having you come visit in the summer. It puts new life into this old place."

"You know I love being here and I love this house so much." I couldn't help but look around.

"Well, this old house loves you too and so, one of these days, it will be yours."

I was frozen, a stunned expression on my face. Mine? How could that be? I was going to be a freshman in college. One of these days? When was that?

"I've put it in my will. It will be yours free and clear."

Now wills were about death and I certainly didn't want that. But the house. Mine. Still, that would mean no Granny and Auntie. My heart was bursting and tearing all at the same time. I looked from one to the other but somehow couldn't mirror their smiles. I was overjoyed. I was terrified. Mine!

"Who knows what may happen, Serena? Our lives change. You may find it to be a burden one of these days."

"Oh no, Aunt Natalie, never," I blurted out, finally able to speak.

"Who else would it go to?" Granny added.

"Yes, we spoke to your mother and she said absolutely not. She didn't want it."

There it was again. The elephant in the room. But what was it? Why would mother not want a beautiful place like this? What was there that kept her away from here, even to the extent of knowing she was making me unhappy. No furtive looks this time, just that statement. I could just ask, if I had a bit more courage. But I doubted they'd tell me. They had to know of my constant curiosity about that but they volunteered nothing. Maybe when I was a college graduate, I'd have gained enough confidence to ask them outright, maybe even demand they tell me. I rather doubted that though. I'd questioned mother about her stubborn resistance to even visiting but she turned almost cold and withdrawn when I did, shutting me out totally. So, I had stopped.

Still, mine.

I rubbed Thurston's head. Mine!

For the second time that day, there were tears on my cheeks. I evidently had replenished my supply somewhere between the agony I had endured at the shed and getting back to here.

"Thank you," I mumbled, a slight gasp escaping my throat. A deep breath. "I can't think of anything that would make me want to give up this place."

"I hope not, honey, but it will be yours and yours to decide."

I was still petting Thurston. "Does Thurston go with the house?"

Now there were three unison laughs.

"Thurston is six, so he should have plenty more summers of running through the woods with you."

I gave him another kiss on top his head. This day had twisted my heart and mind and spirt in directions that I had never imagined in my 19 years. Summer would be good. I was determined that that be true.

*****

I was home again, the summer nearly ended, and mother was glad to see me, between her business and volunteering, and I was ready for school to start. Actually, that was not true. I was never ready for school to start and in particular, this year. I hated change in a very general fashion. It was just that I treasured security, and insecurity so often hovered ominously around change. Last year I was the one who knew all the ropes, the tricks for surviving, the idiosyncrasies of the teachers, the places in the building where you could be 'out of sight' if you chose to be. Now, I was a freshman again. And that was irritating as well. I was not a 'man' by any definition or description, and it just annoyed me. Possibly because of the insecurity I felt being one of those fresh-men. But it was beginning and I was being allowed to live on campus so I could be a 'part of things" as mother said. I wasn't totally sure she didn't want to be away from the annoyance of me interrupting her various activities but I was probably just being a brat for thinking that.

I moved into the dorm and quickly met my roommate, Maddie. Right away I could see that she was not like me at all and I was wondering how we'd be able to get on together. Her hair was short, mine was long. She was short and a bit muscular, I was tall and a bit lithe, I guess. Those were just physical things though.

She was bubbly and I was sedate. Her voice was deeper and had a gravelly quality to it, mine was gentle and melodic. At least that's what I'd been told by the fellow freshman who made a dramatic effort at hitting on me when we were paying fees. I sent him pedaling as I wasn't quite ready for that yet. Plus, I used one of those words that would have gotten me a mouth washing at Auntie's. A very severe mouth washing.

Despite all that, I don't think I could have found a better roomie, even if I'd created her myself. We were destined to be together for all four years and far beyond. Quite different years than I might have imagined, and I could never have envisaged how such a fortuitous occurrence could have such a profound effect on my life. Also to be involved in that profound effect was Maddie's boyfriend, Chuck. If Maddie hadn't been such a good friend, I might seriously have considered trying to steal Chuck from her. He seemed to be the kind of a guy that every mother hopes her daughter will bring home to meet mom and dad. Tantalizingly cute, no one a stranger, considerate to a fault and it was totally obvious he had picked Maddie and he treated her like a queen. At least it seemed so to me.

"What are you taking?" Maddie asked right away.

"Classes, courses, I don't know."

"Still figuring it out, huh."

"Trying to. I kind of like physics but I don't know. I guess there are female physicists around but, when I walked through the physics building, other than secretaries, I didn't see many."

"Don't let that stop you. If you like it, do it. What the heck." I got a strange little look from her. "How the hell did you get interested in physics?"

"Kinda weird. I liked the Discovery Channel and watched it a lot. They started a new one called Science Channel and it had stuff about physics and, I don't know, I just seemed to enjoy it. Mom said I was weird but I always knew that." A punch on the arm from Maddie. "I just have to figure it out before too long. Don't need to waste a year."

"Freshman stuff is about all the same, though. You won't be wasting that."

"Does that bother you?"

"What?"

"Being a fresh-MAN."

"No. Does it you?"

"A little." My resistance to change was coming out in my reluctance to being called a freshman. I shrugged. "What's your major?"

"Nursing. I have two aunts that are nurses and they wouldn't change for anything. They get annoyed at the hours sometimes but they still like it. Gonna give it a try."

"Lots of chemistry?"

"Some, I think. Not too much." She giggled. "At least I hope not."

She was silent for a moment and I was thinking about beginning the unpacking process.

"You a neat freak?" she asked, grinning.

"Freak is an awfully strong word there," I answered, smiling back at her.

"Still."

"I guess I like things arranged a little. I'm not OCD about it though." I couldn't help but ask. "Why are you asking?"

That brought a big laugh from Maddie. "Well, I can be a little, well, disorderly at times, I guess. I just didn't want it, you know, to be an issue. Maybe we'll each be an influence on the other. Mostly, I guess, I hope you're an influence on me since I need to get a little more order to things."

"I think you'll find I'm a little laid back about most things. Sure, we all have stuff we like and don't like. But, hopefully, they're not end-of-the-world things."

"I know what you mean and, yeah, let's just be that way." She held up her hand and we high-fived. She grinned. "I'm not into that chest bumping stuff like the guys do. Are you?" Her expression changed to a coy grin this time.

"Umm, no. I leave that to the football players."

"Speaking of that," Maddie said, "that's why I'm here. My dad played football for the Buckeyes. O-H."

"I-O. Really? How cool is that?"

"Yeah, he wanted me to go here more than anything. Even willing to pay the out-of-state fees."

"So, where are you from, then?"

"Tallahassee, Florida." Another big grin. "It nearly kills dad to be stuck down there at the home of Florida State. He still has trouble sometimes getting the Ohio State games on TV. But he says he can get us some good tickets, better than student tickets, because he's in Varsity O."

"So, are you getting them?"

"They're way more expensive and he's paying so much already. Want to just get student tickets together?"