Shaping Our Lives

A few minutes later Mary, a girl who I'd shared a few classes with came to stand next to me. "What happened?"

"Nothing, Roger kissed me but it was ..." I left it. After a pause, I said, "It should be something better than that."

Mary looked at me and it was a look that I'd not seen before. "It should be. I've never admitted this to anyone before but I fancy girls. It scares me." She put her hand on my cheek and leaned in to kiss me. The next twenty seconds were astonishing. I have no idea how to describe what that felt like, but it left Roger's kiss floundering in the long grass. Mary stepped back.

"I was right, girls are the thing for me and I suspect from the way you kissed me back, maybe you too." She turned and walked away. I don't remember getting home but I do remember lying in bed for several hours replaying that kiss. Suddenly some things were starting to make sense to me.

London

Sophie phoned me, "Hi M, I got back two days ago. Sorry, I never called, but getting all my stuff back and settling in has been a bit hectic. How are you?"

"I'm great thanks, but at a loose end. Glad you're back safe."

"This place needs a bit of TLC and I'll get around to that, but do you fancy coming down for a couple of days?"

"When?" I didn't need to give that any thought. A few days with my big sister would be way better than moping around here.

"You decide. Talk to them and text me. Anytime."

At dinner that evening I told Jane and Fiona about the call from Sophie. "Go whenever you want, I know you'll be safe. I'll give you some cash. Just be careful and sensible."

Two days later I was on the train. I was excited, I couldn't read, music was annoying me so I stared out of the window. Sophie met me at the station but given that it was the rush hour it was a miracle that we found each other. The underground was insane at tea time and we had to squeeze into spaces wherever we could. Eventually, we walked the 400 yards from the tube station to her flat arm in arm.

Sophie was right, the flat looked tired. It was big enough for a couple of people, only one bathroom, but there was a small balcony that we could sit on if the weather was ever nice enough. We went out for dinner and chatted to exchange our news. The following morning we looked the place over with a more critical eye and made a list of what needed to be done.

"I'm back at work on Monday; I'll try and find a decorator."

"I have an idea. If we stripped out the carpets I could do the painting this week while you're at work. If I did one room at a time we could work around things."

"Have you decorated before?"

"I've done my room and one of the spare rooms. We could get the stuff today, order carpets and I'd be here when they get fitted."

The next two days were spent deciding on colour schemes and visiting a decorating centre to buy the supplies before we went to choose new carpets for the bedrooms and lounge. Sophie insisted on buying me a new bed. That night I called Jane to update her and she agreed that it was a good plan. It surprised me a little but I was going to enjoy this.

By the next weekend, I'd done both bedrooms, the lounge, hall and bathroom. New carpets had been fitted and my new bed was expected on Saturday morning. I'd also cooked meals for us each evening and I was right, I'd loved all of it.

I'd made up the bed and tested it when Sophie came and sat on the end of it. "M, you've done a great job, the place looks wonderful. I'm very proud of you, thank you. You need a desk in here so that you can find peace to study and I want a new sofa. What about we go hunting?"

I got the train home on Monday. 'Home, where was I going to call home for the next four years?'

Visiting old memories

Fiona and I were about to leave when Jane gave me a hug and as she did so whispered, "This may be a little difficult for Fiona, be kind to her and remember to give her a hug from time to time."

Mum wanted me to take the first stint driving. I was stunned that she was letting me drive her Maserati. I knew its story, she'd bought it over twenty years ago, soon after taking over as Managing Director and Milly had encouraged her to buy it although she'd died before it was two years old. Mum had used it for almost seven years and couldn't bear to part with it. So she kept it stored in the garage, using it a few times each year. It was an immaculate, beautiful car and had been looked after lovingly. It seemed appropriate to be using it for this trip, but it was an awesome, powerful beast and I was a little apprehensive. We hadn't gone very far when she turned to me. "I probably should have taken this trip with you before now, but I wanted you to be old enough to understand and I lacked the courage."

"What do you mean, you lacked the courage?"

"Milly shaped me and I loved her. I need you to see what ..." She seemed lost for words so I said nothing. I had to wait for about ten minutes before she spoke again.

"I need to start at the beginning. Jane and I fell in love with Milly the first time that we met her. Being with her, away from home helped the two of us, Jane and me, to mature. When Jenny died I grew up very fast, that summer changed me in a lot of ways, for the better. Over the next few years, our relationship changed, dramatically. If that hadn't happened I would have been a different person." She sighed and there were a few more minutes of silence.

"Milly hadn't wanted kids, but she wished that Jane and I had been hers. Clearly, when we became a couple, us having kids would have been unwise. She thought that she'd have been too old to have properly cared for them throughout their lives. But after she died ..." Silence again.

"After she died I struggled. It was Jane who got me through it, but still, there was something ... I realised that I wanted to have a child, Milly's child. I know that it sounds stupid, but in many ways, you are Milly's daughter. Having you saved me, saved me from being a sad person. You gave me a new life, a purpose and lots of joy. You made me feel complete again; I love you with all of my heart, every fibre of my being. But Milly shaped me and I shaped you because of her influence. She would have adored you and she would have been the best mum ever." More silence.

"Can you just indulge me for a couple of days? Let me show you some places that were important to me."

"Mum, I love you. I love you and Jane and Sophie and I loved Jess and Victoria. You've all been wonderful. I feel that I know a lot about Milly and how important she was to you and Jane. I want to see the places you've told me about." I had no idea what else to say so I said nothing. Fiona started some music and we sang along as we drove. All was fine until the Bette Midler song, 'Wind beneath my wings' came on and as I was singing I noticed tears running down my Mum's cheeks. "Mum?"

"I'm sorry, not long after she died I heard this song and couldn't help but think that it applied to the two of us. I have a successful career but none of it would have been possible without Milly having been there to support me through university and during the time that we were together. She was my hero, the wind beneath my wings. I'm sorry, I'll be fine."

She sniffed, wiped the tears away with the back of her hand and I changed the music.

By mid-afternoon, we arrived in Windermere and Fiona parked outside the police station, which puzzled me a little. She took my hand and we went inside. There was no one at the desk so we went over to a wall where there were two plaques listing officers who had fallen during two world wars. Alongside that was a wooden board which listed those who had died whilst on duty. Fiona said nothing but pointed to the name Constable Jennifer Nelson next to a photograph of an attractive woman in uniform. I knew who this was and recognised her from the picture wall. I was about to speak when a voice from behind me made me jump.

"Can I help you, ladies?" It was an older man with sergeant's stripes and a friendly face.

"I knew one of these officers and I'm here with my daughter, to pay respects and revisit my history."

"Jenny Nelson. When I joined the police, a long time ago, my first sergeant told me about her. He was on the raid with her the day that she was stabbed. Several times I saw him stop to look at that photograph and once I saw him stand to attention and salute. It was the anniversary of the day that she died. How did you know her?"

"Jenny married my aunt and I was a bridesmaid at their wedding. I was at her funeral as well." It was evident to me that Fiona was very sad and I held her hand. "Thank you, Sergeant we don't want to take up any more of your time."

That evening we ate at the hotel we were staying in and Fiona talked about Jenny. It was obvious that she'd liked her and she laughed when she told us about Jenny breaking her leg and the silly things that they'd all done together. That night I climbed into bed and spooned up to my mum. This was not easy for her.

We walked through Ambleside the following morning, checking out the galleries and shops. A lot had obviously changed over the years. But it was a beautiful place. We walked alongside the lake and then drove out to a small village and parked outside a pub. "We went in there for meals many, many times when Jane and I visited. Milly and I went there about once a week when I was at university. This way."

We held hands as we walked along a lane and Fiona stopped at the gate of the last house, a small cottage with roses around the door. She was about to speak when a car drew up and an older lady got out. She looked over to us and asked if she could help.

"I used to live here, a long time ago. I was showing my daughter around the area."

"I've lived here for over thirty years. I bought the house from Milly Scott, a local artist, who moved away to get married."

"It was me that she married. I lived here with her when I was at university."

"Oh my, I remember meeting you once; I thought you were her daughter. Please come inside."

I stood in the lounge as Fiona and the lady talked. Something pulled me across the room to the sun lounge and I saw the view. The view that was so familiar from drawings and photographs. I flinched when Fiona came up behind me.

"I remember that view so well. The night that we arrived, before Jenny's funeral, I saw how devastated Milly was. She was our friend and had been so kind to us but I didn't know what to do. I felt weak and helpless about not being able to change things and make them better. I was so embarrassed at my uselessness that I went out there and hid behind that bush, although it's grown a bit since then. I cried my heart out until Jane found me and we cried together."

She stared off into the distance thinking. After a few minutes, she turned to me. "I knew that day that I had to do something to help Milly, to save her. I stayed with her all summer and I grew up. Both of our lives changed that summer. I was already in love with her; she'd been a wonderful aunt. I think that because of my help she started to recover from her loss."

We had tea and chatted with the owner of the house and Fiona told her about visiting and living there. After thanking the lady we walked back to the car. Fiona was smiling and I asked her why.

"I was thinking back. Milly and I had sex in every part of that house. I hope that one day you'll find someone so special. I've been lucky, I have Jane as well."

We visited various other places and the mood was lighter. It seemed that mum had done what she thought she had to do. On the way home, she watched me for a while as I was driving before speaking.

"Thank you for coming with me and holding my hand. I had to do that, it was good, but I don't think that I'll ever go back again. It's in the past and I can't change it, I wouldn't want to, but it's still sore after all these years."

"I love you, mum."

University

I headed back to London and Sophie a couple of weeks before I was due to start at university. It gave me the chance to get to know London a little better, find places where I could run and visit the museums and galleries that intrigued me.

Being with Sophie was pretty easy but we'd never lived together without our parents around and it took us a little while to work things out. After a couple of days, I realised that one of us needed to think about meals and from examining the contents of the kitchen cupboards it was clear that Sophie was not inclined in that direction. I spent a couple of days reading recipes and thinking about meals and then I hit the shops and stocked up on the herbs, spices and the cookware that I was going to need.

University was brilliant. I loved it. The first couple of weeks were about getting to know how the university worked, sorting out my classes and getting involved in social activities. Then the course got started in earnest.

Current affairs had always fascinated me and I'd loved history and English at school. Studying modern history and politics made sense and would give me lots of options. I'd considering English Literature as I loved to read but wasn't convinced that it would open up many job opportunities.

The course involved lots of reading, discussions and some deep thinking. It was hard work, but I'd always been a bit of a bookworm and swot so I was in my element. Sophie was a real help and over dinner, we would talk about politics. She was good at considering options and asked great questions that made me think and I found that really useful.

Sophie and I spent Christmas with Jane, Fiona and a few family friends. It was a lovely time and it was nice to be back in my old room and to talk to my parents. Sophie visited a couple of her old school friends and the two of us went for walks a couple of times. Being alone with her was special for me; she'd shown me such love and care as I'd grown up.

Sitting opposite her on the train back to London I watched her as she read. As much as I'd enjoyed being back at home it would soon be just the two of us again and I felt really grown up. She was a beautiful woman and really looked impressive as she set off to work each day. There was a bit of hero worship going on. She glanced at me and caught me watching her. She smiled and pulled a face at me. I giggled.

Fiona and Jane got a taxi to our flat, well Sophie's flat. I made our dinner and we chatted and drank wine until it was time to leave. We wrapped up well, with coats, scarves and hats before setting off to walk to Westminster in time for the New Year fireworks. There were huge crowds but the atmosphere was one of anticipation and fun. Then Big Ben sounded its familiar notes as midnight arrived. Sophie kissed me on the cheek, then so did Jane and Fiona. I shook hands with dozens of people in the minutes that followed before the spectacular firework display started. The four of us held hands as we gazed skywards. I love fireworks and these were pretty good.

It took quite some time to work our way through the crowds and back towards our flat but we chatted and laughed as we did so. Hot chocolate helped to warm us up again before we headed to bed. Fiona and Jane were using Sophie's room and she was bunking with me. It was the first time that we'd shared a bed since I'd been decorating in the summer. We nestled together nicely, warm and cosy. Sophie purred as she held me until I too fell asleep.

Jane and Fiona stayed another day and we walked through the streets of London which were largely deserted. They took us out for a meal and I spent another night cuddling Sophie.

Sophie was working hard and left early each morning. I loved to see her leave for work with a briefcase and handbag tucked under one arm. She usually wore a smart dress with a jacket or a skirt suit. Always heels and she projected an image of smart sophistication. On the other hand, I was always much more casual but rarely wore trousers unless the weather was bad. I much preferred skirts until one day Sophie and I were wandering through the shops and she bought me a pair of jeans. Actually, they fitted more like a pair of leggings, tight leggings. I realised that I'd developed a bum and they looked pretty good especially with a pair of heels. The first day that I wore them to uni there were several comments and I realised that I must look great. Sophie had a similar pair and I wondered what we would look like wearing them at the same time.

I actually thought Jane was going to faint the first time she saw me in them. I realised about then that I was now actually rather attractive, but I still lacked the confidence that went with the looks and the clothes.

Summer

A couple of my fellow students fancied a girls holiday and suggested going to Ibiza, an island off the Spanish coast in the Mediterranean. It had a reputation for heavy drinking and crazy behaviour. I decided that I needed to let my hair down but could still be sensible. Six of us set off.

I threw my bag down and collapsed on the couch. I was still there two hours later when Sophie found me in tears.

"M, it's great that you're home, but what's wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay?"

She knelt on the floor in front of me and held my hands looking at me with concern. I burst into tears again even though I was at home with Sophie and safe. I snuffled a bit before I could speak.

"It was hot, beautiful and there was nothing wrong with our hotel. But I hated it."

"Why? What happened?"

"They drank non-stop. Slept until late morning and then did nothing but lay in the sun all day and wanted to dance every night until late. I did it two nights, but I can't stand being out of control and a couple of drinks floor me. In the disco's there are hands everywhere, groping, it's awful. They were all man daft and ... it was horrible. I was out of my depth, didn't enjoy it and felt uncomfortable. I ended up spending my days alone on buses visiting different parts of the island and staying away from the drunks in the evening and that's hard to do. I wish I'd never gone and the others all think I'm weird. I am weird. I wish that I'd stayed here with you. I could have cooked for you and gone to museums during the day."

She sat on the couch beside me and held my hand. "I'm glad that you went. You've seen something else of what goes on in the world, how others behave. You've learned something and that's a good thing, but I'm glad you're back. I missed you."

I was shocked. "You missed me? But you have a life and have been all over the world."

"I missed my little sister. Why don't you and I go away for a few days? We could drive down to the south coast next week, just the two of us."

"I'd like that. I'm sorry to be such a wuss."

"You were brought up well, in a loving home by two people who cared for you a great deal. We've both been lucky, very lucky."

I spent the next week reading, walking around London and making sure that I had dinner ready for Sophie. I even went to watch cricket one afternoon. I have no idea why I decided to go into the ground as I walked past, but I had fun. It was civilised and interesting. I sat near to two old men who explained the rules of the game to me and they seemed to enjoy my company, especially when I brought them pints of beer."

A week later the sun was shining when we threw two bags into the back of Sophie's car and set off south. Neither of us had been to the Isle of Wight before and we were excited as we negotiated the ramp to get the car onto the ferry. A couple of hours later we pulled up outside a very fancy hotel in Bembridge.

It was a large light airy room with a sea view. "Will this do for the next five nights?" Sophie asked.

"Wow, this is wonderful. It must have cost a fortune."