Shaping Our Lives

"Remember, my parents left me well provided for, sadly. But it's no use sitting in the bank when there's fun to be had. Let's go for a stroll and then sit in the sun for a while. Tomorrow we can explore."

We toured the island and the weather was kind to us. There were lots of naff tourist things, a model village, dinosaurs and a shell museum. But there were nice walks, some stunning scenery and a donkey sanctuary where we both fell in love with an old boy called Duncan. He definitely had a thing for Sophie because he chased her around the paddock until she fell over and then he stood over her and appeared to be laughing at her. I couldn't help it, I was crying with laughter.

As the ferry sailed through Cowes harbour past all the fancy yachts we watched from the top deck and I leaned against the railing and looked over to Sophie. "Thanks for this. It was far better and more fun than Ibiza."

She turned to look at me. "I've loved it as well. I needed that time away from work. You're not weird, you're fun. I enjoy being with you. Thank you." That touched me a great deal.

Second-year

I could hardly wait to get back to my studies and was relieved when the course started again. I'm not going to say that it was easy but I loved it, that helped and it gave me pleasure. As part of a course project, I started my own blog and wrote pieces about political events a couple of times a week. I think that I had half a dozen readers for the first month, that would be Sophie, my mums and the course tutors, but as the weeks passed I picked up more and more and after six months had a couple of hundred readers. I never really worked out why anyone would be interested in the thoughts of a young student about current politics. But I kept it going.

Sophie insisted on proofreading all of my submissions and that was a great help because it meant that she picked up on spelling and grammar errors. She also made comments about my conclusions and reasoning. Each time she did so I went back and gave them a great deal of thought because I learned that she usually had a good point to make.

I was going out about once a week for a few drinks mostly with my study group and never had more than a couple, I knew my limits, and I always left before it got too late. I liked getting home to Sophie and our weekends were spent taking care of chores, shopping or enjoying ourselves together. I loved being with her, she was great fun and always kind to me. I felt safe with her and she was still my hero.

Every few weeks we'd head home, well the place where our parents lived. It was great to see them and I loved being there. Fiona always made time to get me alone to ask if I was okay, check on my studies and ensure that I had enough money. I was a really lucky girl and I was thankful for their love and support. Somehow when Sophie and I got on the train on a Sunday evening I felt pleased that it was the two of us again. Occasionally I made the trip alone but on those occasions, I was always eager to get back to London.

Early in the New Year, I was standing at the bar in a pub buying a round of drinks when a tall, slim, red-haired girl came over and sat on the stool beside me. I recognised her as being an Economics student. "Hi, I'm Becky and you are called Em, is that right?"

"Hi, Becky. My name is actually Milly, long story, but everyone calls me M, just M."

She smiled at me but there was a hesitation as if she wanted to ask something. I saw her take a deep breath. "I think you're gorgeous. Would you go out with me, please?"

"What?" I'm sure that if I'd looked at myself in the mirror behind the bar I would have been opening and closing my mouth like a goldfish. "You want to go out with me?"

"Yes. Look have I made a mistake? You are gay, aren't you? Oh lord have I offended you?"

"No. Yes. Oh heavens. Yes, I'm pretty sure that I'm gay and no you haven't offended me, but being asked out, on a date is all new for me."

"We don't have to call it a date?"

"I'm not sure what else we could call it. I'm flattered. Yes, I'd love to go on a date with you." I was feeling very pleased with myself and she was pretty gorgeous when she smiled at me as she was doing right now. We agreed to meet on Friday evening and exchanged phone numbers.

I floated back to the table where my friends were. They had spotted Becky speaking to me and wanted details. The general consensus appeared to be that Becky was either blind or insane and that she could do much better than me. It was said with good humour but I'd had those same thoughts in the twenty seconds it had taken me to float back to the table.

Becky listened to every word that I said as we enjoyed our drinks in the university bar. She chatted away easily as she spoke about her family. I studied her as she spoke, she was rather gorgeous. I'd had fun and when we decided to leave she pushed me against the wall of the pub and kissed me. I started to melt, it was lovely. I smiled as I walked home, but there was something that I couldn't put my finger on.

Our second date was an Italian meal. The restaurant was nice and the food okay but I couldn't shift the notion that I could have made that same meal and it would have been tastier. Becky and I got on well and I enjoyed her company. She kissed me again, she was good at it, but it wasn't right somehow.

I met her for coffee a couple of days later. "Becky, this is hard to say, but I don't want to mislead you. You are beautiful, sexy and good fun to be with. You kiss really well but ... I'm sorry as much as I'm flattered I just don't feel it, between us. I'm sorry but ..."

She looked stunned. "But M, you're gorgeous and I thought that we were doing fine. I suppose that I should thank you for being honest. Do you have someone else?"

"No, just my sister. Well, I mean, it's just my sister and me. Neither of us has a girlfriend or boyfriend. We're just a bit, I don't know, sad people?"

"I think you're lovely even though you just made a mistake. But if it's not there, it's not there."

As I walked back home later that afternoon I thought about Becky and I. 'What is wrong with me?' I asked myself. Unfortunately, there was no reply.

It was soon after Valentine's Day, I was lying in bed late one night, confused until I worked it out. It was Sophie, I wanted Sophie. That was stupid, she was my sister, older than me and I was certain that she didn't have those sorts of feelings for me. There was no way that she wanted to ...

A few nights later I woke up sweating and shaking. I'd been dreaming and although I couldn't remember all of it, what I did remember was Sophie and I having sex. It had been incredible and I had been screaming because of what she had done to me. Ridiculous!

They didn't happen often, but I had similar dreams a few times, Sophie and I in bed, having sex. They aroused me, but they also made me feel ashamed. I tried hard not to think about it. I loved Sophie a great deal, but there is a difference between that type of love and what happened in those dreams.

I was sitting on the sofa with a book in my lap. Sophie was reading through a pile of papers and making notes. I wasn't reading, I'd been thinking.

"Sophie, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, let me get some more wine." I refilled her glass for her and sat down again. "Okay, what is it?"

"I'm in no rush to go back to Mum's this summer and there's a summer school class, for two weeks and I was thinking about attending if I can."

"Lily, you're a swot you know, wanting to do more studying and not having fun. What subject?"

I looked down for a moment before looking back at her. I smiled, "I know I'm a swot, but I like learning and I'm not afraid of working. There's a session 'Introduction to International Human Rights.' That would be interesting and useful. You covered that and I think it would be good to know more about it."

A large smile spread across her face and her eyes crinkled. "You're crazy. That's tough stuff, but you're right it would be good for you and it is interesting because it affects lots of other things. We could have some great discussions."

"I hope that I can get on the course."

"I'm sure that you will and I'll pay your fees. Not exactly a treat though is it." I went to give her a hug.

"You're very kind. Thank you."

"Hey, I need to look after my little sister."

"And don't call me Lily!" I threw a cushion at her and missed. She pulled a face.

I did get on the course. I must be a swot because I loved it and by the end, I knew that I had another perspective on the world. Sophie was also correct we had some really good conversations and I felt great to be able to understand more of what she did.

New York and dramatic events

I was excited as the plane came into land at JFK and I watched the traffic and the houses passing below us. Sophie had to come to New York for work and she had asked me to come with her so that we could spend the week. It would mean that I'd be on my own for three days, at least until she finished work for the day but I was looking forward to exploring on my own.

We had a great hotel and after checking in walked the short distance to Times Square. There were lots of lights and people, a busy place full of life and I stood gawping, taking it all in. Sophie had seen it many times before and she laughed at me and dragged me to a restaurant that she knew. Great burgers, I was in love with the place already but I was yawning and needed to get to bed.

Being there with Sophie was great. I lay in bed thinking. The two years that we had spent living together, sharing the same flat had been magical. Sophie worked hard and spent long hours at the office. My studies were going well, I really enjoyed it and I loved the new things that I was learning, despite the hard work. I'd taken over most of the housework, the laundry and discovered that I really enjoyed cooking. If I was home in time I made dinner for us both and always made more than we needed so that I could freeze a couple of portions. That helped on the days when we didn't have the time to cook from scratch.

Sophie still socialised with her own friends and I spent at least one evening a week with my fellow students. The rest of the time we spent together, either at home or out at a concert, the theatre or whatever events took our fancy. Looking back on it I realised that neither of us had dated for most of that time.

The next morning I set off to Times Square and jumped aboard one of the hop-on-hop-off city tour buses. I went around the whole route before getting off in Battery Park to catch the ferry to Liberty Island and then on to Ellis Island. I learned a lot about American history that day and made a few mental notes of things that I wanted to research later; I was studying history after all.

Sophie had to work late and sent me a message asking me to join her for dinner with some of her colleagues. That was great fun; there were six of them from all different parts of the world. I didn't speak much during the meal, but I enjoyed listening to the stories about their homes and families.

I spent a day visiting the World Trade Centre Memorial, Greenwich Village and Chelsea. I had to sneak a look inside the Chelsea Hotel made famous in a Leonard Cohen song. Jane was a Cohen fan and it was inevitable that I would like his music. It was not what I was expecting, but just being there felt as if I was part of something.

Sophie managed to finish early so that we could visit another restaurant that she knew. An Italian trattoria that reminded me of one of those places where the Mafia planned their activities, except that the staff and customers looked nothing like Mafiosi. After dinner, we took a cab and went to see the view from the top of the Empire State Building. I leaned on the railing thinking about all of the films I'd seen which had been set here, especially Sleepless in Seattle, I'm a hopeless romantic I know. Being there with Sophie made it special for me. I loved being with her, she made me feel special and complete. I felt lucky that evening.

I spent the next day in the galleries and museums. There was so much wonderful art to admire, paintings that I knew of and many that I saw for the first time and which touched me in different ways. After leaving the Metropolitan Museum of Art I strolled across Central Park in the sunshine to the huge American Museum of Natural History. I simply wandered from room to room admiring the exhibits. I'd lost track of time and had to dash back to the hotel where Sophie had arrived a few minutes before me.

"Hi M, I'm just back, all finished, no more work so we have the next two days for ourselves. You need to wash and change we need to be out of here in half an hour."

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Chicago."

"What? We can't go to Chicago."

"Just get changed." She was smiling and was clearly amused at my being puzzled.

Half an hour later we were eating more great tasty, burgers at another trendy place before finding a taxi. Ten minutes later, as we drew up outside the theatre, I understood. Sophie had managed to get tickets to see 'Chicago.'

It was a real spectacular. I hadn't seen many musicals, really only 'Phantom' and 'Les Miserables' in London. This was a different experience and I was completely taken by the music, the drama and the atmosphere of a New York Theatre. We strolled, arm in arm, through the 'Theatre District' watching the people and eating ice cream.

I snuggled up to my sister in bed humming tunes from the show as I fell asleep.

Sophie demanded a lie in after three long days of work. I went for coffee until she was ready to go and we set off for Central Park and lunch at the boating lake. Then we went to see the Bethesda Fountain and walked to the zoo. I'm not a big fan of zoos, but I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

Sophie dragged me onto the subway and yet again refused to tell me where we were going. After a few stops, the train became full of Yankees fans and I realised that was where we were headed. I knew rounders, of course, having played at school, but my knowledge of baseball was pretty much zero. I was in awe at the size of Yankee Stadium, the sounds and the enthusiasm of the fans and the game hadn't started yet. By the time that we took out seats for the first pitch, we'd eaten hot dogs and were wearing Yankee ball caps. I was enthralled at the various activities that supported the game, throwing T-shirts into the crowd, the kiss cam and the never-ending supply of beer and food. I loved the game, it was exciting and I was on my feet shouting as loud as anyone when a home run was scored. Sophie enjoyed it as well, but I suspect most of her enjoyment was laughing at my enthusiasm. As we made our way back to Manhattan I thanked her for a great evening and told her that the next time I was back in the States I was going to a baseball game. After getting off the subway we linked arms as we walked. It had been a great few days.

We lay chatting that evening and planned to shop the next day. I heard Sophie making her little raspy noise as she slept and stared into the darkness thinking. I'd loved these days in New York, especially the time that the two of us had been together. Sophie was easy to be with, funny and confident. She was also gorgeous, 5' 9" two inches taller than me, she had a fuller figure than I did, but her curves were those that drew lots of looks. Her long dark brown hair was glossy and she had dark brown eyes that you could get lost in. She had a cute nose and dimples on her cheeks when she smiled. She chewed her bottom lip when she was thinking, a bit like my mum. I snatched my hand up over the sheet when I realised that I'd been touching myself.

The next morning we visited a lot of shops and tried on dozens of items of clothing. I ended up with some new jeans, a couple of shirts, a skirt and a pair of stupidly high heels. Sophie's choices were more formal and mainly for work. Of course, we both bought 'I love NY' T-shirts.

We were exhausted when we got back to our room. Sophie dropped her bags, kicked off her shoes and collapsed on the bed demanding a cold drink. I made her prop herself up on the pillow to drink and sat with my legs underneath me beside her on the bed.

"Thanks for this week Sophie; I've loved it, especially being here with you." I smiled at her and she returned the smile. I carried on, "Actually thanks for letting me live with you for the last two years. It's been wonderful."

She was quiet for a few minutes, thinking, "I should thank you. I've loved having you with me. You've pretty much taken care of me for two years. It's been great."

I leaned over to kiss her on the cheek, she smiled and after the kiss turned towards me and we met lip to lip. We looked at each other. I got up and went to the bathroom. I have no idea what just happened to me, but I felt strange, odd and weird. I held onto the sink and stared at myself in the mirror. 'What just happened?'

I got into the shower and thought about that moment when we'd kissed. I'd never felt that before and I couldn't explain it. I dried and wrapped myself in a towel still a bit dazed. Sophie didn't speak as she went into the bathroom as soon as I left it. I spent some time fixing my hair and make-up before sorting through the clothes that I'd bought.

When Sophie emerged she was also wrapped in a towel. She pointed at my heels that were lying on the floor, "I like those shoes, I may steal them. What do you think of these?"

Sophie's were black patent with an ankle strap, a half-inch platform and a high heel. She put the left one on and it really made her leg look great. As she tried to balance to put the right shoe on she wobbled and took a step forward towards me to steady herself, but she'd lost balance and fell into my arms. I reached out to catch her and, of course, as I did so my towel fell to the floor leaving me naked. We were nose to nose, eye to eye. I have no idea who moved, but we kissed, lip to lip. It was momentous. We separated and looked at one another, my mind had gone blank and I only knew one thing at that moment. I put my arm on her shoulder and leaned in for another kiss. This was longer and more energetic, more connected, it involved tongues probing each other. I was aware of a sensation building inside of me, in my stomach and working its way upwards, my heart was thumping and my eyes were wide open in disbelief. I was kissing Sophie and it was fantastic. Actually fantastic was a rubbish word, but my brain was no longer capable of finding a better one, so I stopped trying to think about it and kissed her again.

When we did stop, Sophie took a deliberate step forward causing me to fall back onto the bed with her on top of me. She kissed me again and this time she was the forceful one. I couldn't take much more of this. "Please stop Sophie; I don't know what's happening."

She rolled me and we lay side by side. In a soothing voice, she told me, "It's okay, it'll be okay."

My mind was a blank; I was trying to think, to no avail. I was scared now, terrified. I'd just screwed up badly. "Please forgive me, Sophie, please don't hate me. I'm sorry, so sorry."

She took a long look at me. "How long have you known how you feel about me?"

"What? What do you mean?" I could feel my body shaking with fear and tears were forming. 'Please don't hate me' I thought.

"You love me don't you?" The look on her face was devoid of anger; she looked kindly and half-smiled.

I couldn't look her in the eyes. I nodded the slightest of nods and I whispered, "I'm so sorry, please forgive me, I ..." I couldn't finish, I had no idea what to say.

"It's okay, I could never hate you and there's nothing to forgive. When did you first realise?"