Singing His Song

The alarm had sounded, and the rescue team promptly gathered at the designated assembly point. Rick was working on him when they all arrived, keeping him stable, and making sure he got the necessary fluids. Fortunately, this brewery had a Pilsener on draft, so the pitchers were already on the table, frosty glasses fully deployed.

"What happened?" Johnny asked.

Lou was not yet ready to talk so Rick filled them in.

"Randi."

"What a surprise," Johnny said. "What'd she do this time?"

"Used her Hall Pass," Rick said.

"She didn't have a Hall Pass!" Lou interrupted.

"You going to tell it, or am I?" Rick asked.

"I'll do it," Lou said.

He paused and, with a look of grim determination, gathered his strength and began.

"Years ago, Randi and I joked about who our Hall Passes would be. I think we were stoned. It was back when we were dating. Anyway, hers was George Clooney. Mine was Jennifer Lopez."

"Jennifer Lopez?!" Johnny exclaimed. "That chick's got to be in her 50s."

"Well put together though," Tony added. "Even now. If you're not trying to knock her up, she'd be worth a ride on the Crazy Train."

"She wasn't in her 50s when they were talking about hall passes," Rick said.

He poured another round of beer as everyone paused to think about doing J-Lo.

"Anyway, George Clooney's in his 60s."

"Yeah, but my point is, if it's a hall pass for a woman, I'd shoot for someone in her 20s or 30s, not someone older than me."

"Wait a second!" Johnny said, bringing them back on topic. "You're upset because Randi banged George Clooney?"

Lou sighed.

"I would have been upset if Randi banged George Clooney because I was never serious about the Hall Pass thing anyway."

"'Would have been upset if she banged George Clooney?' So she didn't bang George Clooney?" Tony cut in.

"No," Lou explained patiently.

"I don't get it."

"When she told me that she did, I looked up where he is so that I could find him and shoot him."

Everyone nodded at that. It seemed a reasonable response.

"Thing is though," Lou continued, "he's not around here. He's been filming some movie outside of London for months, and he just got back from taking a break from that to attend some alternative energy forum in Egypt. Hasn't been to the States in months."

"Who'd Randi bang then?" Johnny asked.

"Some guy that looks like him. Or who looks like he used to look back in the 80s when he had a mullet."

"When he was in his 20s? And she thought that was him now?" Tony asked.

"Yeah. He told her he was prepping for a new role and was getting into character."

"Lou, man" Johnny said slowly with sympathy, "Randi's not a smart woman."

"No kidding."

"What now?" Johnny asked.

"Divorce."

They all drank their beer. Except for Rick. He was looking at Lou, waiting.

"That's not the story!" Rick said. "At least it's not the full story. It's the beginning of the story."

"How can there be more to a story like that?"

"What's the rest of the story?" Tony wanted to know.

"Well, I figured if Randi can have a Hall Pass, so can I."

"You went after J-Lo?"

"No. No idea where she is. And I like Ben. Couldn't do that to him. Not after Argo. I love that movie. But I met Taylor Swift."

Silence covered the table like a cloud.

"What?!" Johnny and Tony asked together.

"I think he's full of shit," said Rick.

"No, it was her," insisted Lou. "She slipped her entourage, was driving a rental, and had holed up in the same Motel 6 that I was using to hide from Randi. She was getting ice, I saw her, she saw me realizing who she was and asked me to keep quiet. I said it would cost a kiss. She looked like she was going to brain me with the ice bucket, but then she smiled, looked around, and said it had to be in her room. We went there, and I didn't leave until the next day when the maids showed up to clean."

"Oh, horseshit," Tony said.

"It's true," Lou insisted.

"She had to be drunk."

Lou just shrugged.

"Pictures or it didn't happen," Johnny said.

"I like her too much to have done that," Lou said.

"Well, then, where is she, the new love of your life?" Rick asked.

Lou sighed.

"I bailed."

The friends were stunned.

"Now I know you're lying," Tony said.

Lou said, "I'm not proud. It was great sex, and she really liked me, but I left her. I told her I was going to get packed and would be ready to travel with her to little bed-and-breakfasts all over the country so that she could have a real, non-Hollywood relationship. I did get packed, but I ditched her while she was out getting donuts."

Johnny looked at the others, adopted what he hoped looked like an understanding expression to mask his doubt, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

"She's too tall."

"What?" Rick asked. "I hadn't heard this part."

"I'm 5-foot 8. If I wear dress shoes, I add an inch with the heel. But Taylor is 5-foot 11. I'd only be her height if I wore pimp shoes, and that's assuming she doesn't wear heels. I'd look like a schmuck with her in public, holding her purse off to the side of the Red Carpet."

Tony drained his glass and said, "You are so full of shit that it's almost like a work of art."

"I can prove it," Lou insisted.

"How?" Rick wanted to know.

"She wrote a song about me."

That would be compelling evidence, if true, they all realized.

"What's the song called?" Rick asked.

"GDCSB."

"GDSCB?"

"No. G-D-C-S-B. According to the Internet, it stands for 'God-Damned Cock-Sucking Bastard.'"

They all looked at him.

"That's any guy she's dated," Tony said.

"I've heard that song," Johnny said. "It dropped just before the holidays. Didn't make it onto her Midnights album. It's a single."

"How do we know it's about you? Rick asked.

Lou was ready.

"'Lou, Lou, Lou, I'ma tell you what I'm gonna do! Gonna stab you through, through, through, Lou, Lou, Lou!'"

"Well, that's obviously the result of the actions of someone named Lou. How do we know that you're the Lou who?"

Tony had already Googled the lyrics.

"Here we go. 'You're really short, too, too, too!'"

"Ow," said Rick. "Right in the proverbial nuts of your size insecurities."

"Well. You did the right thing. That chick would never have worn flats for you, even if you had pimp shoes on. That's for sure," Johnny said.

"With that all out of your system, what about reconciling with Randi?" Tony wanted to know.

"What?!" Rick exclaimed.

"No, it's gone too far," Johnny said.

"How do you mean?" Tony asked.

"Way I see it, Randi started a conventional war, and then Rick went nuclear," Johnny said.

"That's what I mean. Now's the time to get the UN involved and clean up the damage," Tony explained.

"Look, Randi released the Kraken. I was bound by the chains of Holy Matrimony when we were together, but then she pulled this shit. My response was appropriate," Rick told them.

"Seriously though, Lou, can't you find it in your heart to forgive her? After all, you just shagged and enraged one of the top-grossing musical performers of the world, while Randi got banged by a fake George Clooney," Tony pointed out.

"Not only that, but the mulleted version," Johnny added.

"That's right. Think of the shame she's going through now," Tony said.

"How's the Lou song doing on the charts?" Rick asked.

He was always going off topic. But Johnny was on it. He dealt with statistics all day.

"Top 10. Number 9, to be exact. 'The cri de coeur of a lost generation of Millennial womyn who have suffered the effects of a bad breakup with a selfish man.'"

"Harsh."

"But it's got that hook. 'G-D-C-S-B! G-D-C-S-B! I'll stab your eyes so you can't see! I'll stab your eyes so you can't see!' It'll probably go top 5."

"Whoa! Taylor just dropped another one."

"When?"

"Right now."

"Now? Like 'now' now?"

"Yes, now. It's all over Twitter."

"This is like being part of history."

"What's it called?"

"'I Really Hate Your Face.'"

He played a clip.

"I really hate your face. You're a damned disgrace. To the whole human race. It's me you did replace. So I'm gonna stab you in the face."

"Lots of stabbing."

"Yeah. One of the reviews noted how the use of the 'penetrative act' as a metaphor reverses the gender roles and empowers the woman."

"That's about the other song though. This one just came out."

"But it's still thematically valid."

As they pondered that, Johnny asked, "What's number 1?"

"You don't know?"

"I'm married, have a liberal arts degree, and live in the city. I listen to NPR."

"Weird."

"Oh, it's a good one! Katy Perry. It's called, 'I F'd Ur X on Xmas, Yo!'"

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's edgy for her. Kind of hip-hoppy. Way in-your-face. The chorus in particular. 'Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! You ain't nothin' but a ho ho ho! But I f'd your ex on Xmas, yo!'"

"I heard that one! It's the only Christmas-themed song still playing."

"Yeah. Annoying, over-produced, and by-the-numbers, but it drills into your head and gets your feet tapping. Probably a Grammy-winner. Of course, it will be played to death every December from now until the end of time, but what can you do?"

Lou had his head in his hands.

"What?"

"You're not claiming you had something to do with that, too, are you?"

Lou shrugged again.

"What the hell is it with you that you are banging these A-List women?"

"I look in their eyes, not at their chests, and I listen to what they are saying, no matter how silly it is. Then, I ask questions about what they said."

"That's it?"

"You try it. It's harder than it sounds. Most of what most women talk about is mindless. Not like sports or anything. And they repeat everything."

"Heard that."

"I'm confused. When did you bang Katy Perry?"

"Oh, one of her people saw me leaving Taylor's room. Then they saw me ditch her. They're having some kind of spat. There's surveillance. It's like some weird Cold War CIA/KGB thing. Katy has been losing in the charts lately and wanted something to put her back. And she wanted to rub it in Taylor's face when she did. The behind-the-scenes drama apparently helps sales. And she said that she and Orlando have agreed that they can occasionally sleep with civilians who have Hall Passes. And she's got serious tits, so I said, 'Sure.' Somehow though, she fell for me. Turns out she's got a secret engineer fetish. She's seriously into Battle Bots. We stayed up all night talking about how to make hers more lethal. She also says Orlando is boring as hell, and that his stupid accent gets on her nerves. She already wants to introduce me to their daughter. It'll all end in tears, of course, but I figure I'm gonna ride this emotional roller coaster for a while."

"Like a Crazy Train."

"But with more plummeting."

"Where'd the song come from?"

"Well, I texted Taylor a couple days after I bailed to say that we were done. She kept calling and texting. Katy said that was going to earn me a song on Taylor's next album. We laughed, and I said that maybe Katy could write her own song to help me out. She stopped laughing, thought about that, got an evil grin, and called up her people and got them right on it. They had it by the next morning."

"I dunno. I think Taylor's smarter. She's the better long-term bet for a relationship, once she finally finds a good therapist."

"Like that's gonna happen. And if I wanted to stay with a nutjob, I've got Randi back home. No, Katy's a good fit for me. Literally. She's 5-foot 8. With me in dress shoes, we're about the same height in photos, as long as she wears flats and doesn't bouf up her hair. It could work."

"I think you're rushing into this."

"What? Why?"

"Shakira just released her own screw-the-ex song. About that soccer player baby-daddy that was cheating on her."

"I've heard about it, but I haven't heard it."

"It's catchy, but it's in Spanish."

"Thing is, she's only 5-foot 2. Even with heels, she'd be shorter than you."

Lou looked thoughtful.

"Nah, I've got to settle down. I can't keep living like this."

The beer was gone by then, and the married men had to get home, so they said their good-byes.

A few months later, Randi made the news. She had been stalking George and Amal Clooney in Italy, trying to get George to admit that he really was the one she had slept with because it was the only way that her husband would forgive her. She got arrested and then deported.

The next year, the gang saw Lou in photos taken at the Grammy Awards. He was standing near Katy Perry, holding her purse. Her breakup with Orlando had been all over the news the previous summer.

Now, Katy was a strong favorite for an award. Not for her Christmas song but for one she came out with shortly thereafter called, "You're Right, Girl! It is you. You're the problem, you damned psycho.'" It was getting a lot of air play.

The guys all immediately noticed that, in one of the candid photos of Katy as she stood next to Lou, she was wearing flats and had not boufed her hair. With Lou in his dress shoes, they were about the same height. They were both smiling broadly. Maybe they did have a future.