All Comments on 'Splashdown Ch. 02'

This story has captivated me and I will continue to read the chapers. However I can't help but think why not harvest her eggs and store them for later use. Another thought that came to bear is the fact that military families endure these hardships constantly. In the end the unveiling of this complex story line is worth reading. The deep psychological side bars the author unveils is a refreshing change from all the stupid stories not worth the print they consume. Lets see where this goes, but for goodness sakes stop letting days go by without putting out another installment. Keep writing but please don't go stupid on us!

Hell if people think the story is too long, don't continue to read it. I too feel it could be condensed but I see where the author is coming from and appreciate his intellect. I am in as long as the story does not get stupid on us the readers.

The writing isn't bad and the plot is interesting but it is like listening to a philosophy professor who likes to hear himself talk. The main character just keeps saying the same thing over and over and goes on and on. It is really hard to read, it isn't even easy to skim and it becomes ponderous. I suspect a lot of ppl will wait until chapter 11,skim it and say 'that's all'. The other thing with dense writing is it is very difficult to remember it any length of time, and facing 9 more of these?

I am REALLY enjoying this story. Love the semantics describing the emotions. Words do describe and do mean something. I find your wordsmithy (Is that a word?) very effective. Keep it up,,,,, I'm hooked! :-) I'm not hiding as "anonymous" I just haven't taken the time to join yet.

When I was a young man. And the ladies would act like this wife, I would get confused like this husband. Then, I finally figured it out. Women act like this POS Bitch cuz they don't care about you. They want to get rid of you, so they just act like assholes until you get the hint. Hubby isn't loved any more, she has a. New lover. Simple

some may find it long and hard to get through but it is not a hurried fuck story. Instead I found it quite on the mark when it came to inner conflicts with conflicting occupations. MAYBE NOT A story for those looking for quick gratification, however it has body and soul which made it very readable and the sexual tension was there enough so you were waiting to see what happened next. Perhaps many people who reflect back honestly on their own lives, may find themselves in a variation of this story.

Waiting to see where this goes from here.

There is probably three or four thousand words of story and he rest is bloat, simply there to increase the word count not to entertain or inform.

Peg is written as though she is intellectually challenged and Gary has severe mental health problems. It's hard to care about either of them as they feel like caricatures.

It has the bones of a good story, but you're way too long winded. Telling the audience the same thing over and over will make their attention wander. To be honest, I skimmed the last couple of pages, and that's a sure way to lose readers. I know you said it's complete, but perhaps you could get someone to help you edit it down a little. I'm going to read the next installment, and I hope it improves. The plot is good though.

I'm enjoying it. The wordpile is great for what it is, an elaborate rumination on the nonphysical aspects of cheating. It appears everything is already set in stone, any glimmer of agency vanishes from the husband when he sees it. So, this isn't an action story, it's more like the husband is obsessing the failure of his marriage, unable to change the past, trying to find peace.

A lot of commenters are really charged up about this story, that means there's something good here.

Good so far but I agree it’s a bit verbose. The best thing Gary can do is take the time to prep for his inevitable divorce. No way in hell would I have kids with this woman. Have her served when she gets back in her time of triumph.

It is too bad, but as well as you write mechanically, you miss the point. You have a really good idea for your story, however you overwhelm the reader. You are so verbose and pedantic we lose interest. The conversations double- back, re-hash and thrash ideas so much that it hard to follow. He goes from singing her praises and professing his devotion to chastising her selfishness and telling her there is no hope for them. All of this within 2 or 3 paragraphs and after 3 or 4 of these in one chapter, I am lost trying to follow the story. It is like trying to read a calculus textbook all in one-sitting. You can't keep it all straight where we are. You use 50 words to say what should take 10.

I read the first and last page and don't feel like I missed anything.

The long chain where Sweetie admits that she made a critical decision that could have had some decision time to consider and collaborate. Much later, she discloses her next level of that, taking the first injection before leaving the meeting. Within that gap, Hubby squeezes tiny nuances out of her. This lack of a sense of pacing needs some serious mentor-work. Not me! I tend to the same side of that pendulum … but I know it!

I thought it was good. But I do not think it is finished. You spend a lot of time with the MC saying how he can train holy hell on the powers that be. Then he walks away with his tail between his legs. Where is all that retribution?

Just sayin'

Love the emotion in the story. Keeps you interested.

Oh, the drama! the intrigue, with all the extreme emotional upheaval; all because he might have to start using condoms?? Really??

Chapter one recap

man thinks his oversexed wife wont remain faithful

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chapter two recap

Russian intelligence has co opt the American government to conspire to get one woman to cheat on one man that Russian intelligence officers really dont like, and 10,000 words were expended to express the six word sentiment of "I'm disappointed you stopped respecting me"

What Right-Wingnut Bullshit

Why is a hobby writing porn site so drenched and infested with extreme conservatives?? I thought you folks pretended to be all family values? Of course that stuff is all hypocrisy and shame, but at least lip service is usually given. But here on Literotica, and in LW, there is so much evangelical right-wing propaganda thrown in with the porn it is ridiculous.

Take out all the political/social pontificating in this piece and there is a pretty original and interesting story, but it is destroyed by the endless loquacity and simple political posturing. God! Eleven chapters of this? Say it ain't so.

What ridiculous melodrama.

total rubbish

GREAT chapter!!!! Amazing story!!! It is so addictive than just after finishing this second chapter, I do neead to read the next one asap...., please don't keep us waiting... ;)

Each page said nearly the same thing, just slightly different.

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ChopL pick up the pace or more will drop this story, it's becoming a verbose dentist chair lacking Novocaine.

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3.0***, hooyah....

Ugh…as an exercise in fantasy maybe this could make sense. The super-stud Intel officer who isn’t an operator, but somehow still has all the same credentials and skills, but gets butt hurt over the prospect of his wife leaving for 6 months even though his very job would require months and months of immersive training and deployments would last months, not days.

The wife…an emotional limp noodle as an astronaut candidate is also completely bogus. She’d have failed the psych evaluation long ago. The right stuff in her case seems like a whiny bitch.

Pages and pages of dialogue about a sex-mad control freak with a spouse who seemingly can’t reason her way out of a paper bag she’s so afraid of her semi-special ops husband? Really??

The two main characters just love the sound of their own voices. So they keep hashing the same thing over and over again. This story is so boring!

Good grief, another nine chapters with long, repetitive agonizing rants at his wife still to come. After the series is finally published, give serious consideration to re-edit the story. In legal terms, it's like asking a question of a witness that was already answered.

11 chapters just to paint the wife like a b1tch and the husband like an idiot. That's a waste.

Commenters: "This story keeps repeating itself!"

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Cagivagurl: "Hold my Sauvignon Blanc!"

You have the bones and muscle of a great story here, but the detailed arguments and insights, foreshadowed and explicit, are done on the same point (or nearly same) 3,4,5 or 7 times! Once or twice is enough. Please this entire chapter could've been condensed into 2 pages. I doubt this feedback is going to make much difference in this tale, you have said it yourself it is alredy written. So I will have to suck it up and slog thru to enjoy the finer parts of the tale.

Hahahaha! Damn.

Too wordy but a marvelous train wreck that I can't take my eyes from.

While the melodrama is a bit over the top, I could handle that if the pacing picked up. I agree with others that this seems... way... tooooooo... slllloooowww.

While the melodrama is a bit over the top, I could handle that if the pacing picked up. I agree with others that this seems... way... tooooooo... slllloooowww.

ChopL, I have to give you serious accolades [Bravo-Zulu] to your writing skill - you have created so many interesting Reader comments about Gary/Peg.

Readers are split - she is narcissistic-super-alpha or he is a bi-polar whiner?

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But a common thread with all comments is you're dragging this out being so verbose/redundant, aka boring. If qlhm1 is skimming paragraphs - many more are too (including moa').

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I personally see a divorce coming AFTER she returns - irreparable 'trust' damage has now already occurred to their marriage via Peg.

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It will be interesting IF and HOW Dr. Kathy changes NASA methods to bring sub-alpha spouses into the astronaut process. Or is ONLY the 'mission' and NOT the astronauts/family well-being that counts?

I like the way he’s using logic to destroy her

Whined those who are too lazy to read and howled, who expected to masturbate. Shut up, you assholes, you're fucked.

Great story. You got me hooked, but I that I hope it holds through the whole 11 chapters.

Great story. You got me hooked, but I that I hope it holds through the whole 11 chapters.

Thank you, Choppedliver. I am really enjoying your story. Keep the chapters coming.

Uh .... military deployment? Illness? Alzheimer's? going to the Holy Land on crusade?

Married sex is important ... but a marriage can survive long periods of abstinence for good cause ... given that the couple has some strength of character.

As the length of the tale grows so does the unlikeability of the characters.

It is interesting, seems as long as a trip to Mars. Let’s try warp speed maybe.

While this tale is woven too intricately for the average reader's attention span, I can appreciate the attention to detail you are trying to communicate...when I'm not skimming through the most tedious of the repetition. (This chapter had me skimming far less now that I perceive that those finer points of detail actually have meaning.)

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I disagree 180° with the commenter that a story that is told entirely by dialogue is weak. It is very effective, but I doubt that the commenter can do it. Any critic should try it as a form of writing exercise. The experience would open some eyes.

This chapter sets up the conflict within the marriage very well, as well as the potential conflict with outsiders yet to come.

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Yes, it seems at times that you were heavy-handed with the oils while painting your 'masterpiece', but once it's done, why would you remove any?

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One of the most verbose writers on here once listened to his critics and pared an 18-page story...down to 16 pages. He cut out some of the sex from one of the hottest sex stories on the site. His editing made 0 commenters happy.

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That rattle you hear is me shaking my head at such foolish obsequiousness.

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Meanwhile I'm withholding judgment on the workability of your plot and characters. I had earlier presupposed that the Air Force would keelhaul any astronaut known to violate the USCMJ while in space, but you made that potential adultery a real concern by having her work partners be Russian cosmonauts who may very well serve under different expectations (of which I am ignorant).

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Anyway, my only suggestion is that you 1. Ignore the readers who profess to be "out". Maybe they are, or maybe they aren't, but don't alter anything to get them back. And 1B. Since your protagonist is sooooo repetitive and nuanced, please ensure that when he finally does get some primo pussy (this is a sex site, right?) somewhere in the next 40 pages that you describe that event just as repetitively and conclusively as he explains his psychological analysis of his relationship with his wife.

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Then we can all collapse into bed with smiles on our faces.

Brilliant. Building the tension and suspense beautifully. The naysayers are having trouble remaining focused as their attention span is so short. I can't wait for the next instalment

I agree with most commenters. I’m not sure I can make it to chap 11. The outcome, while seemingly obvious, and barring a 180, seems irrelevant with Peg’s actions and mindset.

That said, you have the skills to write good works. This is humble advice, so take it or leave it:

1. Think about your dialogue and then read it out loud to yourself and then think about it some more. All three of my editors have given me that stellar advice.

2. Consider your MCs personality and history within that dialogue. You basically have Gary, a Jason Bourne type character, using long drawn out dialogue. Any guy with “the agency” and I know some of them personally, don’t talk like that. Less is more. They usually speak in incomplete sentences.

3. English lit major vocabulary takes away from the realism here too. Ordinary people don’t talk like this in day-to-day interactions. You could argue Gary isn’t ordinary, but then we’re back to bullet point number two.

4. I’ll reserve judgement on Peg until your next chapters, but she also seems out of character with her responses and constant crying, babbling and inability to stop looking surprised about her husbands reactions, especially since she would have known what to expect from him. She’s intelligent, an astronaut, and supposedly deeply in love with Gary.

Please don’t take offense. I just don’t see the dialogue matching the characters. That would have at least helped you with the length. Gary is reminding me of the naval officer, and jet engine builder, with the advanced security clearance in the infamous story “Another Love,” which was a classic case of an author writing a character with an advanced personality disorder.

You have talent, and I think with an editor, and you personally fleshing out your characters you can be even better.

Regards, Cookingwithgas

@forensicfossil, because we’re the fucking 83%ers, you moron! You’re not only an 18%er (don’t have an aneurism trying to figure out the extra 1%), but you seem to have forgotten that your ‘team’ has created the false narrative that even neutral conservatives are now part of the ‘far-right.’ The people who read your comment are mocking you in their heads. All of them.

Too many moving parts. Byzantine and the head-hopping is distracting to read. Settle on a POV and stay there, OP. Also, the plotline has too many subsets, too many rabbit holes, and distractions that serve no purpose. This writer is typical of the "see how smart I am" writers who think every single scintilla they write is relevant. OP is a good writer but wholly undisciplined. Simplify, edit until your eyes water, and stick to your plotline. I cannot force myself to read the next installment. You've already stolen too many minutes from my finite stash.

Wow. Just wow.

@Anonny:

The best candidate to help you read with better comprehension is not I—it is ChoppedLiver.

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I get that Ch 1 seemed like a useless exercise in semantics, but it was only because CL had not yet revealed the true conflict. Now he has, and that revelation has provided context, so I’d encourage you to try again.

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And not all Anonnys are lowlifes.

So. Hard. To. Read. Make the point, don’t re-hash it over and over.

Ok, the husband is such an asshole, I couldn't get past the first 2 pages. I'm done with this series.

Look. Endless rehashing is common in real life, but it is death to readership.

Sorry, I tried. The fucker said 15,000 words without taking a breathe.

If someone was bitching at me like a little pussy for a 1000 words I would have walked away. Peggy is tougher than that shit

This could be a great story. Suggest you rework with help and reduce the verbosity by 80 percent

With how wimpy this glowie is, would it really be a surprise if Peggy was taking strange on the side?

The MC is the biggest drama queen I've encountered since one of my college girlfriends. This is supposedly a cool objective troubleshooter who goes into danger to carefully analyze and fix problems? Ha-ha-hah-ha-ha--ha!

Just figure out doofus, she doesn't love you. She may well like Gary and when it is convenient for her, like/lust to have sex with him, but the only thing she loves is the image of her as the intrepid girl hero in her own story. The writing is technically well done, though the internal monologue by dummy is excruciatingly boring. Bu what a dog's breakfast of fucked up people these two are. Totally self-absorbed uber-woman and a supposedly cool character who probably breaks down and weeps whenever he sees brave Adam Kinzinger crying, which is like every five minutes. Wow. 9 more chapters to go?Sorry the ride ends here with a well deserved 1 *. Bye.

Death by dialogue

Like many said too many words. Get to the point. Frankly I agree with the MC. She cut him off without any consideration. The result would have been the same, that he wanted her to go, but they would have discussed the options and agreed. She unilaterally cut him off. Frankly I’d tell her go on your dream mission but don’t expect me to be here when you get back. But of course this will be a stupid RAAC. I’ll muddle thru it to see how that works out but doesn’t look promising.