All Comments on 'Splashdown Ch. 02'

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Finis ???

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Please, please submit your other chapters, CL...this plot is brilliant!

10 chapters?? This is reading like death by a thousand cuts. There is just so much depended angst written large you can stretch this before it gets tortuous. Frankly this tale has reached the point where further “progress” borders on applied reader masochism.

You are a really good writer but frankly I question whether 8 more chapters of psychobabble is worth the ride. Really. It is obvious she is a hard core narcissist who is demonstrating sociopathic actions by using her “ husband” as a walking tool to gratify her momentary emotional impulses. It is obvious that she has absolutely NO respect for him or their married relationship as she totally subverts everything to achieve her self centered goals WITHOUT him. By this chapter their marriage is dead sacrificed on the altar of her selfish ambition.

This marriage is buried. He recognizes that. They are not in LoVE. They are in lust masked as marriage. She is the amoral center of her universe. He is nothing more than a walking tool whose utility has passed. She has already discarded him Her actions on the space station are irrelevant she has already moved on.

5 stars

Four pages that go over something which was discussed on page two. The wife constantly makes decisions about our career and she makes those Decisions without consulting her husband.

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Did the administration of nasa apply pressure to her to make a quick decision? Perhap But she's a highly educated trained astronaut and a scientist and she should have the wis done a d intelligence to know that demanding an answer that very same day. Is not ethical and it's certainly not legal.

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Just like this author's long 4 part story.... This pathetic sad sack is once again attempting to do the jesus routin .... boo hooo you are my everything. I am the most perfect noble ma'am planet and I really want the best for you.

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You are correct, you absolutely need an editor. For the most part your writing is clear, intelligent and articulate but it's too damn long and 11 chapters is ridiculous. Way too much mental gymnastics and it's turning into one long monolog. I was skipping half the story with chapter one and more so with this chapter.

So far your MC is all talk and no action. If that's what your prefer and this is definitely an RAAC in the making, that's your prerogative but there's a bit of incongruity in what he says and what he does.

I feel you have great potential, lots to like about your writing but you definitely need that editor as I don't think that you, as the creator, can learn how to abriviate your own work. Good luck! Either way I'll continue to skim your posts to see how it turns out.

Too long winded

I love it! Please write chapter 3.

Incomplete ending

This is going to get so drawn out. We still have nine chapters to go. And we already know pretty much how it's going to end.

Why is MC acting like a petulant child?

Christ it’s chapter two and it’s still four months to her actually getting on the rocket, hopefully she gets into space before chapter eleven.

This author loves to draw out a story so expect a hell of a lot more angst ridden internal monologue, but he’s already admitted that if she succumbs to temptation he will just put up with it, so now it’s simply a ‘will she won’t she’ story but telegraphing that little nugget as early as chapter two is a ballsey move, just wonder if he can pull it off.

Way too much rambling going on. And the mc is a willing cuck in the making with all the verbal gatbage he is spewing giving her pre aproved excuses already.

Severely Lacking and not Loving Wives.

Some kind of too complicated multi-pass with a Russian trace. It turns out that the Russians, through the leadership of NASA, dragged his wife into a project through which he ceases to feel like a beloved husband and a confident man, thereby becoming incompetent in his business? Somehow too shaky and illusory, given the requirements for the character and stability of the psyche required for an employee of the special services.

Too many unnecessary words. Hurry up . I had to go from page one to the last page just to read what I kew was coming

At that point...why even support her anymore? Just so you can argue more? Just cut ties now have her move to HQ then do whatever is in your power to ensure that all those paper pushers feel your wrath. What else could you do? Sit there being weak and exploited?

I completely did not understand one fact, namely: if hormonal injections not only stop the release of eggs, but also lower libido practically to zero, then why does she need condoms at all, it does not matter - whether it is for her husband before the launch or in orbit with Russian cosmonauts?

There was so much convoluted bull crap in these four pages…I lost the plot totally!! And after this heavy dose of shit…he did not even finish the story?? Man what a load of gooob!

Chopped, why are you writing a story about an astronaut going into space when you seem to know NOTHING about what actually happens? Plus, you think some low level moron like him, actually DEMANDS that HIS wife, the astronaut, gets special treatment because he is a demanding, selfish arsehole and is throwing his toys out of the cot all because his sex life will be affected. Do you realise how stupid and ridiculous that sounds?

His own boss would be contacted and next thing he knows, he is serving in Antartica for a year or two. Talk about an inflated opinion of himself.

Way too fucking long mate sheesh

Husband is insecure, but wife is very dishonest.

Prediction: She won't be the one to cheat, it will be him.

dialogs are too unnatural. and there're too much of 'em.

Damn! 11 chapters that just beat around the bush like this sounds crazy. Readers would be better served skimming through it than actually reading the whole thing. Shame, since the writing is pretty good. With a setup like this, I'm foreseeing extended freakouts about every incident that happens down the line.

The mark of a poor writer is to rely on dialogue to move the story along because of a weak plot.

This story is a perfect example of an over-reliance on dialogue since there is no real plot.

Advice for Choppedliver: Don't give up your day job.

I think i may have one more chapter I'll read and that'll be it. His biggest fear is she can't/won't be faithful and one option will give her a high likelihood of success. So she chooses it and everyone goes ape shit? Makes absolutely no sense! Well done playing how she once again made decisions that impacted her husband without consulting him. There's enough progressing here for them to divorce before she ever gets in that rocket. 4*

Excuse me sir, but where is the loving wife??

She can be beautiful, smart, ambitious, sexy, selfish, manipulative, independent.......But I repeat myself: Where is the Loving wife?

She will cheat and he will take her back. He pretty much says exactly that in every part. Why even write that much if the outcome is already decided? I mean, I like dialogue heavy stories that are thought out but not if I already know what happens :/

Too long by at least two pages. She made her choice, she loves herself, not him, he needs to dump her and move on. Only a fool would stay in a relationship with this woman.

Great story. Great read. I can't wait for the next installment.

Good story but toooooooo wordy!

For gods sake four pages of this drama that could have been explained in two paragraphs.

I was hoping that Part 2 would be better. Spoiler alert: it’s not. The conversations are long and incredibly stilted and awkward. It is almost as if the author has no real understanding of normal speech patterns or how people converse. When you can skip paragraphs of dialogue and not miss anything of relevance you know the author has a problem. I’m out and will not be reading further chapters. That’s too bad because the premise had promise.

Please stop

You had better pick up the pace of submissions or I’m gonna bail. First 2 chapters are essentially 2 page chapters doubled up with word salad. I can choke that down but I’ll abstain if there’s going to be gaps. Let’s just say, I’m not hanging on the edge of my seat.

~Spiny

Wow, that chapter was annoyingly long.

The sad thing is, Gary makes lots of very valid, logical and well voiced points. His ability to interpret data and then voice it in the way that makes the most sense should have been a highlight to this chapter.

But, it was obvious about the time Peggy downed that whole big glass of vodka that she'd already had the first shot before discussing it with him ... And yet Gary kept on and on with all his valid points that meant nothing and kept wondering why Peggy looked more and more upset.

Apparently he can determine the motivations and intentions of our enemies very well but, he's clueless about what his wife's facial expressions mean.

This could have been a very entertaining and emotionally charged chapter of it had been about half the length.

It doesn't help my impressions of the story that Peggy is apparently very weak emotionally and morally. She can sit on top of a rocket with any nerves at all but, she's incapable of looking her husband in the eye and being honest about her actions.

So he's going to raise a disabled half Russian child.......

Not sure if I have time to read 9 more chapters about that.

There no wit here just procrastination

You need to probably delete several chapters. You ramble way way way to much and the main character is extremely unlikable.

This story line is good. It needs to be much shorter. I personally can not believe that a man who is a secrete agent would behave like this. He is telling his wife that ut is OK with jim for her to screw around and he will just deal with it. I sure hope this turns away from where it looks like it is going. Also brevity is a virtue.

I see what you are trying to do but as written a lot gets passed over. He continues to tell her that really no matter what she wants she will get. All he wants is the final word even though he will ultimately cave. So why doesnt she say that?

If this is some russian revenge thing then go that route but move it to non erotic or something.

He also focuses more on her taking drugs and his need fir condoms rather than the cheating. Tell her he will bang the shit out of her anytime he wants regardless of her desire. Also say that he will use his connections to monitor her 24 7 while she is in space and divorce her fir so much as a kiss.

I think he should file for divorce now. Free thenselves up. Tell the program and news media why. When she returns decide if they reunite.

Incredibly good writing and incredibly poor pacing. You spent a whole chapter discussing birth control, ad nauseum? It's all written, you say? You should go back and rewrite it. The first two chapters, if pruned of the excess verbiage, would hardly make one decent 750 word story. I won't read any more of this. It does nothing but frustrate the reader. I'm frustrated enough by real life without choosing to read this.

Agree with few comments about excessive length; some self editing would allow you to tighten the storyline. Do like the closing revelation, though Russian connection — bit melodramatic. Will thumb through next installment hoping for more.

Already, has me just scanning the paragraphs.!

I like the story but agree it’s really drawn out. I was actually surprised there wasn’t a dozen paragraphs on the discovery then analyzation of the question of which option to choose wasn’t just an ask that day but weeks ago…similar to the trip length discussion. I was thankful for that but still like the overall story and premise. But I do find myself jumping a paragraph or two as the husband may need to decipher every Avenue but I don’t necessarily need each detail spelled out. It would be a better story if after each “reveal” the level of descriptive information changes to keep a better flow. That should lend a better flow of the reader’s emotions instead of, ‘here we go again.’ I think this kind of analysis lends itself to a full book style than a shorter story. Just my humble observation.

I realize the story is written, but I personally would like to see that she is made to wear a chastity belt with the key being left on Terra firma. Then, if he is as great of a fixer as he claims, inform the Russian Space Agency that if anything happened to her while up there, they would be needing a few new Cosmonauts that could still breath. If she cheats, she might as well stay in space and become a space station hospitality hostess, as that is all she would be good for.

He should let her know what bad choices she keeps making by leaving her for the entire ten months.

Rinse repeat again and again. Good story, but can I get the Klif notes?

Page 1

She lied by omission for months and he would value older kids more than younger? Aren’t they a pair.

Helluva yarn so far though

Anon severely,

What’s lacking is your powers of logic and comprehension

Bro. This is SO FUCKING HARD to get through. Cut about 2/3 of your dialogue out and you'd have a great story.

Speaking a lot of words doesn't mean it's intelligent.

This is the end of your story? I hope not.

I usually go by the credo that if you have nothing good to say, don't say it. But I really need to say this. You are a very good writer. But this is in fact, a novel. I don't believe stories of this length and scope belong on this site. We come to this site to read short stories, not novels. Your STORY could probably be written in no more than two parts. Nope...I'm done and bowing out. This is way too drawn out for my taste. The shame of it is that this would make a 5 part story if you took your readers into consideration. Others may love it. So be it. I'm done. Good luck.

He is looking for a good divorce lawyer now I hope toss the slut out then go after all the ones that caused all of this

I enjoy the story, however it is too drawn out and becomes boring. You do not need to continue repeating the same dialog over and over.

I hope she does not cheat and he takes her back.

What gets me about this story is how easily he glosses over how hard it would be for her to have sex on a space mission. I guess if he writes the as a covert operation to test how women in space react when sexually aroused or how this was planned out for an experiment for sex in space then OK. Still very unrealistic but better than my wife is a horny astronaut. I mean that does not fly.

So we instead have a guy with a wife who's life goal was to go in space. He is very supportive of that and states that NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES he is Ok with her going to space. Yet, when she makes the decisions she feel is needed to ensure her spot is there, he guilts her with cheating accusations.

That sucks.

I think you have time to save this.

The angst is what gives it value. Giving yourself to some one without conditions is the vulnerability that pays the biggest dividends and suffers the greatest consequences when it is not reciprocated. Not gonna lie, I like this guy and his wife and I'm rooting for redemption, but it doesn't look good. It has been set up that she cannot avoid failing him, but there in lies the drama, unless you're cynical enough, or practical enough, to know the die has already been cast.

Wow this is bouncing around on a level of utter written nonsense.

Pathetic, and Ridiculous. You're really going to present 11 chapters of a simple cuckold story? We know the wife is an arrogant entitled selfish bitch. We know the husband is a dickless blowhard who berates the wife for keeping critical information from him, but who does exactly the same thing to her. Just maybe if the wife understood who and what her husband really is she might show just a little more respect and deference toward him? And the whole concept that these sorts of marriage killing issues would be kept secret until the last possible day that medical choices had to be made is preposterous. You think that is an artistic way to create drama? Is that all you've got?

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Thankfully you can skip most of the blather and not miss a single important component of the plot. But even a seeing eye dog can figure out where this is going. The bitch is going to be made air tight by three Russians, for months. It might even start as rape, but by the time the third 8-inch dick spreads her asshole open she'll be loving it and begging for more. Of course the whore will return full of regret, remorse, and, surprise surprise, pregnant. She won't know which of the Russians is the father. The wife may or may not die in child birth due to cosmic karma. Choices: 1) The wife divorces the cuck and raises the child with one of the Russians. Of course the wife will give the child a Russian name. 2) The wife dies and the cuck husband raise the child, along with Kathy. Of course the cuck will honor the Russian name the wife gives the child before she dies. 3) The wife whelps the child but can no longer give birth to any other children. The cuck raises the child but allows the Russian father to regularly visit and continue to give Peggy that 8-inch cock up her poop chute. Hell, maybe all three of the gang bangers will have a regular reunion with their slut, with Gary baby sitting the bastard, with the Russian name.

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Can't wait to see what choice or variation you choose. Thanks for the effort.

Once again…one has to accept the stupid premise that a happily married human being just CAN’T go without sex for a few months to get anything out of this tale. So….based on said acceptance…..

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It is inconceivable that anything like the health procedures Peggy is being persuaded to undergo would be done without significant participation with her spouse. So to have Peggy making these decisions on her own just wouldn’t happen. But given that in this story it has….Peggy has revealed herself to be a very narcissistic bitch by acting on things without discussing them with hubby. Just holy shit what was this idiot thinking by taking the jab, and going out and buying condoms that she thinks hubby will be happy to use?

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And another thing….the astronaut community is small and tight. As someone selected to fly, Peggy AND hubby would have had frequent social interactions with others in this tight community. Yet it seems like there isn’t any…at all. Weird.

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Meanwhile, hubby turns out to some sort of special ops guru….what’s he gonna do now? Is his reaction why this thing has 9 more chapters?

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I **DO** like this so far, but…..I just don’t see where this is going such that there are so many upcoming installments.

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4 ****

Too bad she doesn't love him at all.

Way too much rambling indeed. And for a "very supportive" husband, he sure whines a lot! Jeez, get yourself together man.

This was like chapter one too long, too many words, boring and a stupid astronaut problem. Both husband and wife are irritating characters.

You are a fantastic writer but you really need an editor to help you whittle your stories down and remove the totally unnecessary verbiage.

I think that this is pretty well written, though a lot longer than necessary. I don’t love the direction it seems to be heading but will reserve judgement until later. I do have a problem with a really long story broken up in many parts that isn’t released on consecutive days. The story is finished, why not avoid delays?

This had the makings of a good story - but the author seems determined to overanalyze every minutia and every facet - it may actually be written by an AI - this story really could have been written in total over 10 pages including going into space and returning and the consequences. Need to keep it a lot shorter and give the readers some credit for having analytical and more complex comprehension skills that a four year old child

You stated in the beginning of chapter 2 that your story is complete all 11 Chapters. My question is why not post all of the chapter instead of dribbling them out to us?

That's exactly what the pinched male ego of a puffing weakling looks like. Like, I would have agreed with your decision anyway, but this, for the sake of appearances, should have been decided by me. In other words, any decision that has already taken place by the wife should supposedly come from the husband. Like, yes, honey, I don't mind you fucking in space, but I have to let you do it, not that you decide to do it yourself.

Can I just skip to the end now? Enough mental masturbation, does she come back pregnant, is he still around at splashdown, does he go scorched earth or wimp out?

Ghost her permanently and find a wife who lives to be a wife.

Not bad but 5+ chapters seems like a lot

As horrible as the first chapter was, this one was worse.

I so want the wife to cheat, this guy deserves nothing!!! Come On Peggy!! Cheat!!

You can write great monologues but your stories stink.

This is so bad I can’t even wrap my head around this. He is just an asshole. She has done nothing really wrong yet. And no wonder she doesn’t want to talk with him about anything the way he behaves.

And right. He’s going to go down to NASA and read the. The riot act and that is not going to impact his wife’s careers. LOL!

He is nothing more than a spoiled brat. If he acted more rationally and loving then I could see the story better. She has not betrayed him but he is definitely betraying her by the petulance he exhibits. He is not a loving husband.

Looking for next chapters ... I don't want to believe that he will just wait a year to take her back after return from space where she will have have sex (for sure - based on her "poor" character).

But this is sad - center of your world .. and he is suddenly left ...he already expected problems and was willing to sacrify for his love but this is bigger and still next chapters .

Love your stories, CL. 5 *s from me. Thank you! Gotta say here, this chapter was longer than needed. I "knew" what Peggy had done from the various clues you left early in this chapter. It seems that if I knew so early, someone as intelligent as Gary would have "connected the dots" much sooner. I'd like to see that from Gary going forward. And, after all the bluster about what he could do if he wanted, well... it's time, don't you think? He's been f'd over several times by the space agency and by Peg's tunnel vision. If he doesn't take action now, there won't be any point in doing so later.

Sorry, but it's hard to believe how someone can discuss the same crap for pages over and over again. She never put him or her relationship first, always her "dream". As an alleged intelligence officer, he is nothing more than an idiot who makes himself a cuckold. Eventually it will turn out that he was right in his predictions, but then there is always the female "Dr." waiting for him!

I'm confused. She put the grocery bags on the kitchen counter the day before. It appears that they neglected to unpack them until a full 24 hours later. Normal people would have put the foodstuffs away in the refrigerator, freezer or on the pantry shelf by now. However there is no mention of her doing this, or even going shopping for a second consecutive day. I don't think this is credible. Probably due to her brain being totally fixated on riding a rocket.

I'm sorry but I feel like I've been in the dentist chair for about an hour getting a root canal. The MC just runs on at the mouth forever. Also NASA doesn't do anything willy-nilly with a mission and every aspect of it is panned out to the tenth degree. They don't leave anything to chance and would have aborted this mission at the first hiccup instead of trying make changes on the fly. An the changes suggested are on the fly. They would have weeded out that this women does not have the capability to complete this mission within parameters.

Pacing, or the lack of it, can talk an interesting premise and bury it in the weight of repetition. And you lose sight of things like, as soon as she asks her sister professionals open up about the necessary choices and their decisions. But she waits until 4 months until she goes to ask and somehow has time to ask a bunch of them but not call home. This 11 part story is looking like it should be 4 or 5. Too bad because I care about the characters but dread wading through this word quicksand to find out what happens.

Gary is completely unhinged. Maybe even bi-polar. At best he is just an insufferable bully. His wife is afraid of him. Oh the horror ...having to use condoms for a while so she can go into space and not accidently be pregnant and have a mutated baby. He doesn't trust her to not screw around on the ISS? There is an infinitesimal chance of happening. He is one of the worst most paranoid characters I've seen in LW. I think she would be better off if he went into "the Field" while she was away just not come back. He will eventually hurt her or one of her colleagues. Also, they have plenty of time to harvest some of her eggs. Why was that not even mentioned?

I trust you, says protagonist and in the very next sentence tells that he doesn't and compares a wife to a blow-up doll.

Even with tedious dialogues to get through, this could have been a good story, but f..k. Protagonist is destroying all that

This is a very wordy whiner of a story…. He is whining over the reality that was always there. A condom aint gonna kill him, fing baby. Blow jobs and do anal, cant get pregnant shooting cum up her ass. These two would never have kids anyways, too much what ifs going on

A worthy 2nd chapter. This is great story but it was a tortured reveal of her decision to take the shot. That decision was telegraphed way too early and then you drug out the reveal way too long. You really need to cut back on some of the dialogue and limit the dancing around. It's destroying a lot of the tension.

Still a dynamite story! I'm looking forward to the rest.

Use contractions, please. Stop padding your word count. The way your protagonist speaks is extremely stilted.

Stupid man ! I could see that ahead.

It’s not perfect, but sure has my attention. Well done and keep posting the chapters!

Great story. It is a series of conversations about the death of a marriage. Ignore the naysayers. This is great stuff. Definitely 5 giant stars. Keep it up.

This reads like a novel vs a short story. Interesting and unique storyline. Though sleading with the dialogue, willing to continue for a bit. 5

This is going in pretty much the expected direction (except at the end, see below), but still a fun read and I hope the remaining chapters are published in short order. Yeah, it could have been trimmed down a bit but there's still reasonable momentum and the plot continued to move forward. That she had already started one of the birth control options was evident early in the story, and Peg could have edited this story down a page or two by telling Gary that sooner - why did she bother to outline the different options when she was already one step down the road? That she had done so puts the lie to her comment that Gary was "closing the gap" with the mission as the most important thing in her life - everything she does shows how vast that gap is - and he's right (and did a good job) calling her out on that.

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The Russian bit . . . this is a Rube Goldberg conspiracy to get back at Greg by screwing/alienating/impregnating his wife??? Ugh. Not a chance in hell, and I really hope you aren't taking the story in that direction. It'd be contrived, absurd, and probably not worth reading.

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In the "what can I do to make this up to you", Gary needs to tell here that whatever she does, she had damn well better *not* resign from the mission. They'd both be far better off just divorcing now, and she can go off into space unencumbered.

Damn the naysayers and full speed {albeit still slow) ahead! Two interesting characters, several problems, no clear solution at hand, definitely belongs in LW. Good character development, concise and precise dialogue, problems explored in depth, (maybe too "in-depth) viewpoints explored beyond a cursory telling. I like it. Maybe after 5 or six installments I'll feel differently but so far, I love it.

Why does the requirement to use condoms cause MC to have such a tantrum, as if he was informed about the need to remove his testicles, for the sake of the success of his wife's space mission?

Wouldn't a spook of this level already know what is going on after having been alerted in the first chapter?

I personally love it! I am looking forward to the next chapter. I do have a question that you or someone else on here can answer. I know he is upset by her decision of not consulting him, but the option she chose to do won't it keep her from having sexual urges while up at the ISS for the 6 months or did I miss something.

Dude, you are like a preacher that doesn't know when to shut up. He just keeps going on and on and on and on continually repeating himself. Take some advice from a friend of mine...If you can't get your message across in 10 or 15 minutes you're NOT going to. After 15 minutes you've lost 3/4 of your audience.

All of your chapters could be half of what they are. You say you want to improve as a writer and ask for advice how about heeding what 75% of your commenters are telling you.

The story would be better off if written in third person POV rather than first person POV. Because it is in first we are treated to the husbands lengthy internal thought on what a raised eyebrow means or what is the meaning of the wife's change in tempo are she speaks. It gives the author too much leeway to explain everything the husband thinks rather than just tell the story. The idea for the plot is really interesting but excess verbiage is slowing everything down.

Have been completely intrigued with this and eagerly await the next installment. Hoping to see a bit of this amazing monkey sex they have soon though.

I really like the premise of this story. Something new in the LW category. If you could, I would suggest you go back to the drawing board, edit, and come back with a more condensed version. Had me skipping 1-3 paragraphs to see if there was anything new being said. By the end of page 4, I was trying to remember what the 3 options were in the first place, since it was so drawn out with the same old, same old.

He's fighting wat too hard for someone that doesn't actually love him. He's been able to put their entire relationship under a microscope. The number if times and ways she's betrayed him makes that a cold hard fact. No amount of effort on his part will change that. I'm super glad he gave up on her. It took way too damn long. But this Peggy character doesn't have his interests at all. She doesn't even have their interests at heart. She used him. She may have called it love, but its plain that she only loves herself and her ambitions. Everything else and everyone else is just a roadblock or an opportunity for those goals. He needs to leave that toxic person because he has so much love to offer someone. I wish someone loved me half as much as he loves her.

This seems okay!

4

Too much talk and no action at all! And we have to read 9 more chapters? Really?

This Wife is a total selfish bitch. How have they managed to stay married this long? All she thinks about is her mission, her mission, her mission, and her mission. She doesn't care if she has to go with a hundred horny perverts, she just wants to go! She makes all these unilateral decisions that involve her husband, but she doesn't care. Great Writing, Great Story. 5 big stars. Even tho the husband is all pissed off about his wife taking the long-term shot that kills her sex drive. If that was my wife, That is the option I would route for! Killing her sex drive so she won't screw around with the Russians! LOL I have to admit, some of these other commenters have a point that there is a lot of writing and a lot of words! Still, I give this story 5 stars. Thanks for the effort. Buster2U

Wow. That was a lot of reading. I think it could be shorter. I would like to see Peg be faithful and he had nothing to worry about. As one commenter stated he’s worried about how this affected his sex life. Not sure if I like the story or not. I want to say more not sure what else to say but Wow! Find your plot. Is someone coming after gary through peg? And he’s the hero and saves her. Maybe she’s been in deep cover and works for an alphabet company? Again I think there is more to say just not sure what that is.