Splashdown Ch. 04

We sat silently mulling that possibility for a while until I finally got up, "I needed to tell you because there's going to be no way to hide this completely as we gather for the space walk. Hopefully we'll go into counseling upon Peg's return. But I thought as we're all being thrown together for the spacewalk you needed to know why things may be awkward.

"Also ... I've come to feel that Peggy's concealment of pertinent facts was a form of deception, of lying. Now that there was no way to avoid your seeing parts of Peg's and my problem, I didn't want to commit the same mistake with you she did with me."

I felt my eye wince, like when your tongue runs over a sore tooth, "I have to go."

"Gary, you don't have anywhere to go or anything to do, why don't you stay with us?" Peggy's mother was a kind woman.

"Mom, where-as Peggy hasn't lived in much horror or discomfort being focused on the her thrilling mission, I've found the horror and discomfort inescapable. It takes a lot of energy to keep calm and steady. I'm tired. I need to go somewhere and be alone where I don't have to worry about embarrassing myself."

"But that's your major problem Gary: being alone," she replied with great sympathy.

I didn't have a ready comeback. I just stabbed at it, "I guess it's like being maimed in a car accident and losing a limb. It wasn't my fault. I don't like it. I wish I would wake up and it wasn't the case, but it's real, and I don't have a choice about it. Damn it all, complaining won't help, and I do have to deal with it. So, I'm trying." I shrugged my shoulders and walked towards the exit.

I was almost there when my mother in law asked, "Gary, what happens when Peggy gets back?"

I stopped my exit. I didn't turn around not wanting them to see my face. "That scares me. I hate not being able to take action. I don't want my marriage to end and that is pretty much the only other action I could take. So, I'm stuck, just like I was before she launched. I'm stuck here waiting for a verdict: life or death. Peg has drifted away and when she comes back, I'm fearful there will be too much distance and no desire on her part to bridge the gulf. Then the verdict will be we already were done before she left. Except that I have not drifted away and am still here.

"Add to the list of potential marriage killers that she may be so full of guilt she can never stand to think of me again, little less live with me. I pray she still loves me enough to work through the wreckage when she returns. Though I truly wonder if any other man in the world wouldn't be much more attractive to Peggy, as they don't have the anchor around their necks that she fixed around mine."

"But she put it there!" My father-in-law exclaimed.

I turned. I was a big boy I could manage my shame. As I did my mother in law gasped once again seeing my tears.

"While it's not my arm I lost in that imaginary car accident, it's my heart, it's still the same scenario. I don't like it. I don't want it, but if it's true I will have to deal with it. I just wish ... I mean her messages to me aren't exactly full of love. When she does something up there we could share that, share something she's proud of. Instead she glosses over it like she thinks I would interpret it as picking the mission over me again. Like I could escape that conclusion for one second while she's absent from me, away on her mission not bothering to call or write."

That bit of irony did make me smile ... ruefully.

I swallowed hard, "It all adds up to a great combination for driving her into the arms of another man. Doesn't it?"

That was too dark. It was time to go. I turned to leave, despite hearing my thoughtful mother-in-law call my name.

* * * * *

I relayed my conversation with my in laws to Kathy, who was spending more time with me, even when she didn't strictly have to. She had continued to call me after our initial talk, especially after Peg cut herself off from me chemically.

It was Kathy who found out where I was staying after I walked out of my house. Before the launch she and Peg had frank discussions about me. Kathy knew I felt she had more frank discussions with Peggy about our problems than I did.

Since then, she watched me, eying me up, I guess looking for signs of my cracking. I would have thought I was the topic of her next doctoral dissertation except she made a point of touching me sometimes too. She was purposely trying to prop me up. Ah, the human touch: just a hand on the shoulder or arm, or letting her fingers graze mine, each and every time it happened was like a man in the desert finding an oasis. I would often look up into her fractured smile as she gleaned how isolated I truly was.

Kathy had once been concerned I was overstating my case, understanding that was something disaffected spouses did. She realized a while ago I had stated the facts as they were. I wasn't out to change anyone's opinion of me, nor was I trying to "build a case" against my wife, nor did I wish any sort of "pay back". I wanted as few people as possible to know about our issues. Kathy had also come to see, as horrible as they were, that my predictions had come true. Despite that, I had no desire to redress grievances or hold grudges: I just wanted my Peggy back.

Kathy was horrified Peggy wasn't writing to me more. Kathy felt surely after her display before launch, Peggy had found a way to tap into what her heart felt. I bit my tongue at that comment. Kathy wondered if I wasn't misinterpreting, so I let her read Peg's and my email chains. Peg didn't always sign off with a "love you" and many messages were short and clipped. In fact, Kathy pointed out to me that that any mention of love on Peggy's part was on the decline.

I told Kathy point blank, "I don't want Peg saying that, or contacting me, if it causes her pain. She can't screw up this mission, Kath! It's the most important thing in her life, and I don't want to intrude upon its joy for her.

Kathy's eyes flared at my comments though not at me.

"But damn it, I have suffered greatly supporting her and her mission. I never told her to choose between me and it. I made sure she didn't have to choose, she did that on her own, and it was so unnecessary. Still, it's in her head that it was me or the mission.

"I think each time she writes me, it reminds her of how she treated me before she left. Apparently for her out of sight is out of mind. She did a pretty good job of forgetting I was there when we were in the same house. As I'm not up there, I guess she doesn't think of me unless she has to and doesn't like it then. For me, her absence practically shrieks in my ears.

"Unfortunately, it leaves me here with nothing. That's not fair at all to me. I was living for those stupid little emails and video phone chats. I feel I should tell her not to do them at all, fearing every time she thinks of me it brings her down. And that will drive her away from me when she lands."

Kathy gave me a reasonable counter point, "But Gary, not having you as her rock could drive her somewhere else looking for support."

I put my head in my hands. Realizing I had given her a look behind the veil, I quickly tried to straighten up and recover. No good, I was busted, and surprised when Kathy wrapped her arms around me.

"I'm your friend Gary, your very good friend. Maybe I wasn't your very good friend before, but I am now. You can count on that. I'm not questioning you anymore. I don't always know what to do for you, but I get it now. You have been right about so much, and all that is left is either for her to walk away from you or cheat on you: the last two dire predictions.

"I know it seems like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. You are trying very hard, beyond the call of duty, to maintain the memory of her orbital flight for her. Even if she leaves you, you want her to remember her flight fondly. You probably believe she would morn messing up her mission more than losing you. I know it's eating you alive. But you still keep trying to do what's best for her. I'm very impressed Gary, and very proud of you.

"I have seen some real bravery in the face of death or disfigurement. Emotionally it's like you are dealing with both, you aren't morning a death, but a life; it's fascinatingly bizarre. I won't think worse of you if you let some of that pent-up fury, frustration, and fear out in front of me. In fact, I would be honored at the trust you would place in me by doing so.

"Gary, you need at least one ally, someone who can care about you a little. Someone who won't betray you when this really digs at you or causes you to bend or crack. I know the type because I am the type. Gary, I'm like you: I would be ashamed to break. Bad luck even unto death won't break us, it's something or someone we care about getting hurt. This situation is killing you because you keep seeing what is going to befall Peggy after she takes a mistaken action, one she knows will kill you. True to the end, right Gary? And you want her to be able to carry on after she kills you. That's it, isn't it?"

I am not a timid person, but I was scared to look at Kathy lest I reveal myself. I knew that was exactly what she wanted, exactly what she thought I needed. I wasn't ready. She still saw right through me. Maybe we really were birds of a feather.

"Gary, I want you to consider this: you will last longer and be more up to the challenge, more able to achieve your end objective, if you bend to it now and then, just to release some pressure before it breaks you."

I gazed into her understanding face and deep blue eyes, "That's what the long lonely nights are for Kath. I'm sure I will take you up on your offer of help sooner than later." She put her forehead atop my head and held me for a few moments before ending our figurative and literal tete a tete.

Kathy came around the house more after that conversation. At first, I thought she was looking for signs of my imminent breakage. Then I thought she was trying to solidify her offer that she "got it" and would be there for me. While some of her staying, talking, chatting, and trying to find out more about me was just to put me at ease, I came to realize she didn't have many true friends either. Kathy had been entirely submersed in her work, and relationships were a two-way street. That's where we meshed, Kathy wanted me to be her friend too. That changed everything.

I asked her about it and got a wholehearted confirmation. She really did like me and said she had always liked Peggy. Kathy said when Peggy had spoken to her it was mostly concern about me, though Kathy saw just how disastrous Peggy's unilateral decisions had been.

Peggy made decisions which changed the terms of our union into something so onerous they made one partner a complete after thought. The fact that Peggy made them without consideration of me, consequence, or consultation, didn't make me an unequal partner, it made me no partner at all. I was chattel at best.

Kathy thought for sure that was the end of us. But I stuck with it. Kathy knew I was a proud red-blooded man; she was sure I would go my own way rather than put up with the new conditions put on our sexuality. Well, my sexuality as Peggy's libido disappeared. Instead, I chose to stay and support my wife, who hadn't supported me at all.

This fascinated Kathy and she had to know more. We were sitting in my kitchen early one evening when she laid out some of her conclusions after finishing her latest pep talk about Peggy. She said she initially had trouble understanding why I went back to Peggy after she subjected me to the "intimacy death penalty." She could tell I was not a closet submissive. It eventually dawned her I simply, truly, loved my wife. She also recognized my code was very important to me. She summed up saying, "There is a point, I don't know where it is, where you would cut bait and burn bridges, but we aren't there yet. I know you are praying we never find that demarcation."

She also looked a little sick. "Gary, it also occurred to me that I may have hurt you. I don't like that at all. I decided I was not only responsible for my decision but also you."

"Good gravy Kathy, what idea did you come up with?"

"A long-haired semi-twisted and possibly ominous idea, that I don't want to give any credence. You know the type, like all the ones you had about your wife acting strangely towards you concerning her flight. The ones that turned out to be true."

"Okay, hit me." I was strangely looking forward to what she was going to say.

"Gary, I told Peggy I would take care of you while she was on her mission. I promised her because she was so upset about what she had done to you.

"She was very worried about what the time alone would do to you while she was gone. She said it gave you way too much time to reflect on how she mistreated you before her flight. She, like you, feared the total time she was absent from being your wife. She wasn't just talking about the sex, Gary. Peggy knows she wasn't even a good friend.

"It's going to be a full year you two have had trouble, that she created, and ten months of your forced celibacy. I mean all of us looked at the situation chewing our lips nervously when we were just considering Peggy spending just a half year away. Gary, that's a stiff penalty. Damn, excuse me."

It was fun watching an astronaut blush. Like the pro she was Kathy soldiered on, "Peggy knows that while she will endure the same time frame of privation that this was all her doing. Further, she is literally not feeling what you are, because of the chemicals she decided to take that forced you into the privation that you feel every minute of. Peg's very aware that she got her lifelong dream while you've lost pretty much everything you enjoyed or gave you purpose."

I made a slight whistling noise sucking on the corner of my mouth while Kathy prepared to continue.

"Gary, if Peggy screws up her mission, she is still stuck up there for the same six months, so why compound one problem with another? She had already made this mess. And you had already made your amazingly magnanimous gesture and continued to support her. So, I figured I should put her at ease and limit the damage. Which should keep the water from being muddier when she returns and you two hash all this out."

Kathy cleared her throat a few times before speaking further, "I promised all that to her, and then..." Kathy looked sad and frustrated. She suddenly headed in a different direction, "Look Gary, you have been standing by her so nobly it even makes me happy and proud. I never want to undercut that." Kathy looked disturbed and pensive. She chewed the inside of her lip for a moment, checking off her conclusions in her mind one more time.

"Gary, something happened I didn't expect. It, uh, seems to me that when I promised Peg I would look after you, is when, um, she just stopped even trying to halfway serve ... your needs. That's, ah, when she stopped being considerate of you at all. That's when things got so bad in your bedroom that you gave up on intimacy with her altogether. I-It's almost like she asked me to take care of you, so she didn't have to worry about doing that herself, so she could just concentrate on her flight."

"And forget me."

Kathy wore a pained expression, her brow knit, her eyes wincing, all as she nodded to my assertion.

"Forgive me Gary for putting that notion in your head. I'm sure I'm wrong. Don't let my theory cloud your vision of Peggy, please don't. Dammit though, I just can't shake the thought."

"Don't worry Kathy, Peggy is doing quite enough on her own to cloud my vision of her."

Kathy looked up alarmed. She saw my smile and relaxed. She thought about the laundry list of Peg's wifely infractions. We began to joke about it. Laughter is what it deserved, for both the number of infractions and their severity. It was absurd. It was ridiculous. We both laughed.

Kathy had felt bad for me and went to bat hoping to help us as a couple, only to find she might have accidentally contributed to my plight. Seeing it as a real possibility she stepped up to do her best to make it work, or failing that, to try to ease my pain. She felt responsible and acted on it. I truly appreciated that. I was touched. I had grown accustomed to having no one care.

"So, Gary, presently you are still hanging in there. I know you don't want to mark it on a map; however I am sure you know exactly how far is too far. Just where is your "cut-bait" marker?"

I gave her an opened faced smile, opened my arms to show I was hiding nothing and surprised her, "I don't want to know. I don't think finding the length and bredth of my love and support for my wife is the most appropriate thing I can do while she is living in a hostile environment that would kill her in fifteen seconds if she found herself outside without a suit. I'm still scared she's going to cheat, Kathy. That will really mess her up. That could destroy her. I don't know exactly how to fix that if she does. But while she is in that hostile place doesn't seem like any time for me to abandon ship."

Kathy gave me a beautiful, pained smile, "Okay Gary, you're worrying about Peg, so I can concentrate on you. What happens to you in the circumstance of her being unfaithful? Many men would be gone by now. You seem to be saying that she could cheat on you, and you would still stay to fix her."

I sighed, "If she's on a space station with no sanctuary and no escape, then yes, I would. It's, forgive me, out of this world different from an office affair or going to a bar cruising for a hookup. She deserves a chance: this mission is her life's dream. I cannot, must not, let her actions towards me destroy that for her because it would have an irreversible impact throughout the rest of her life. If I loved her enough to marry her, I love her enough to not want that fate for her.

Now I grit my teeth, "I-I am dismayed that she would put me in such a distant second place to her space flight, especially when there was no need to. It feels almost like I have been discarded, and I don't want to become a victim of bile, anger, or disgust from her. I love her. This has cleaved a good chunk out of me already. Seeing her cheat? Well, I find it worse to see her hurt by her actions than dealing with my own pain. So, there it is."

"No Gary, that isn't the end of it. If she cheated what would it do to you?"

"A lot depends on if it's down here and over selfishness. Those would be the barometers for how I would handle her. I would probably kill the guy."

Kathy looked at me nodding, then froze, "Oh my God, That's not an expression. You're serious."

I was a little non plussed by her reaction. "Well yeah. Why would I want him around? The planet would be a better place without another wife stealer."

"Well yeah Gary, but ..."

"I'm only so conventional, Kathy. Never confuse convention with practicality. Justice trumps convention."

"Or law?"

I smiled at her, "Kathy, law is here to keep order. It doesn't really have much to do with justice. That's not cynicism: it's fact. Think about it, Kathy. If an action promotes better quality of life and justice while also maintaining the order, then why not do it?"

"Even if it's against the law?"

I nodded happily that she understood, "It seems to me in that case the law is out of sync with its own professed purpose."

Kathy wanted to be upset though part of her saw the truth of what I was saying. What she ended up doing was laughing. Then she got serious, "You do have a way of tying me in knots." She was quiet for a while. I got the feeling something had happened, but I didn't know what.

"Gary, hypotheticals aside, tell me what happens to you if Peggy cheats."

"If it's the normal "down to earth" kind of cheating I get my balls back hurdling the humiliation by doing what I just said I would do. But life as I wanted it would still be over. I wouldn't stay if she simply tired of me to the degree that she callously replaced me in our bed. Especially after inflicting upon me an unnecessary ten-month freeze out. No, Peggy needs to be ultra-aware of romantic entanglements when she gets back, because of how emotionless she was before she left, and how entangled she made me."