Splashdown Ch. 04

It was Kathy who hung her head now. I looked at her silently asking if that was the correct move. Imperceptibly she nodded 'yes' to me.

I looked back into the camera, "I love you, Peggy. I can't wait until you are back and can tell me of every minute of your flight."

That sounded like I was veiling something, like I wanted to hear about her affair. Her fumbling tonight made it look like she might be having one, although I didn't think so from observing her. Yes, Peggy had put too much happiness and energy into Alexi, and not enough in us, especially me, but hopefully we could alter that.

"Every moment you are happy and every accomplishment you take pride in, that's what I mean baby. That's what I would like you to tell me about and share with me when your shifts end. I would love that. I'm your biggest fan; of that I can assure you! I love you. You know that, it's the foundation of my world."

"Oh, mine too Gary. I can't, I can't thank you enough!" She started to tear up.

I forced a happy smile across my countenance, "No, that's why I'm leaving. I don't want to be associated with sadness, only the happiness I have when I think of you. And that's the note everybody back here should have." I looked at her family wanting to make sure they got the memo.

I glanced at Kathy. She nodded 'yes' again. Kathy was not a happy camper. Then I saw my mother-in-law, I thought she was going to lose it she was so upset and miserable. I gave her a happy smile. I leaned in and whispered, "Make her happy. We don't want Alexi soothing her. Besides you daughter is in a big soda can traveling at close to twenty thousand miles an hour two hundred and fifty miles above earth. Let her know she's loved."

That did the trick for Mom, she gave me a big nod 'yes; and turned a fractured but genuine smile back towards the video image of her daughter. She took the lead and got Peg's sister to join in as they asked excited questions about what it was like in space.

Oh, how I wanted to be part of that conversation. It seemed no matter what, I was exiled from Peg and her happiness. She caused the problem, but it hung from my neck not hers. We couldn't fix it until she came back. I just wasn't sure she would want to put up with the pain of fixing it.

If Peggy did me dirty by leaving me then, she would do me double dirty because she could release me from this purgatory by leaving me now instead of making me wait months more only to have the axe fall after a full heaping-helping of affliction. I didn't want her to leave me, but if that was what was coming anyway all we were doing by waiting was destroying more of my life, not hers; she was having the adventure of a lifetime.

Our time apart was not good for me as more and more it felt like she had sold me to get her adventure. When she was making me miserable, she was still happy most of the time. Her dealings with everyone else were excitement and happiness, among the happiest time of her life. I was the kid with storm clouds constantly over my head.

The fact that Peggy consigned me to this fate made it worse. Not only was my presence a downer for her, her down was supercharged because she knew I was stuck in this tar pit of a life by her fiat. Her guilt was palpable, but it didn't get me any extra credit. What it added up to time after time was that she was happy everywhere except in my presence: she could feel joy unless she thought of me. She felt terrible thinking of and seeing what she had done to me. The learned reinforcement was that I equal her misery. Could her love for me survive this? It seemed like it would flash evaporate like a drop of water suddenly finding itself in space.