Splashdown Ch. 04

"Gary, you are explaining around my question, not addressing it."

"Kathy, I do things for two reasons: they appeal to my over developed sense of justice or because I love them. If it's not a matter of justice or if justice has run its course, I would have to deal with my heart."

"Gary, answer me."

"I am! I would be devastated! Why do you have to hear me define it? Why do I have to shape the parameters of my downfall, Kathy? It's a lot like lighting a fuse. Once you define it, it becomes much easier to spot, and you start looking for it. I have too much trouble already without inventing more of it."

She reached over and put a consoling hand atop mine.

"Because I'm in it with you, Gary. I mean it, until the end of the track. Until you two are fine ... or until you are back on your feet after the carnage."

I softened asking the obvious, "Alright Kathy, I came clean. I would keep it together as best I could. But even seeing her with another man in my mind's eye rips the fabric of my heart."

"Which you have been doing a lot of lately."

"Yes."

"Gary, you are my deep friend, my good deep friend. I won't abandon you."

"Even if Peggy does?"

"Especially if she does!"

Kathy looked like she was making a blood oath. I took her at her word. She looked so sincere, in it with me to the end of the road. Dare I say it? From an emotional and honor perspective I would have kissed her ... if I wasn't so happily married.

* * * * *

Peg's family and I were together again for her spacewalk. We were invited to the space center again to watch their greater number of feeds in real time. It was fantastic, folks there did not have the blasé' attitude the news now portrayed towards space.

We were at NASA in a little lounge area with multiple monitors, each with multiple split screens showing different images from different cameras on the space station. The room also had a big glass wall overlooking the flight control center. It looked a lot smaller than what I remembered from moonshot tapes. Then again, my cell phone had more raw computing power than used for the Apollo missions and without all the daisy wheel printers and tape to tape reels. The thought made my phone feel heavier.

Peg's family at the space center to watch her big day consisted of her parents, her sister, her sister's husband, their kids, and me. Kathy was there too, as a liaison. From the looks the adults tried to sneak at me I could tell they must have discussed my situation more deeply. That had to be rough on Peg's folks, they were good people, though better this than a blindside.

How many parents when confronted with information such as Peg not telling me about her spacewalk, then finding out her other decisions concerning her spouse, wouldn't brush me out the door according to their child's apparent wishes? Instead, they stuck by me like I was their flesh and blood son, instead of a man who muscled my way into their lives by convincing their daughter to fall in love with me, for a while. Ouch, that last score may write my future with them. Still, they hadn't given up on me yet.

Peg's spacewalk lasted two hours, not a marathon, but a long time to be in such a foreign environment for the first time. I thought she did fantastically.

When I was caught smiling ear to ear, I responded to everyone in the room, "Come on, you must feel it: Peg's doing great!"

She floated through space knocking her job out of the park: installing and calibrating the instrument she invented, all while soaring over mother earth in living color.

I told them, "I know Peg won't give reign to her enthusiasm until she's finished, but she's wanted this all her life. It's like finding out you really do have superpowers. It's the culmination of a lifelong and childhood dream. She's going to be thrilled! I know I would be. I can hardly wait to see how happy she is!"

They looked at me amazed I could still root for Peg. It was apparent to all of them that I was still very much in love with her.

The real fun got going when the spacewalk ended.

It took a while for the two spacewalkers to doff their space suits and freshen up. Almost an hour went by before Peg was ready to speak to her family. She was going to be able to spend some time with us before a scheduled press conference explaining to the fourth estate what they had accomplished on their spacewalk and why it was important. If that didn't run too long, we may be able to speak to her again afterwards.

We could see the spacewalking duo on some monitors now as they drifted by. The space-based conference presentation had not started its feed yet. It was set for a larger crew compartment with a better wide-angle lens. That camera was shut down until Peg and her flight buddy were ready to speak to us, then the press. When the camera in that compartment turned on, we would finally be able to speak to her. But there were so many additional cameras we could catch glimpses of them as they worked. They had finished taking off their space suits and stowing gear and were preparing to get into position for us and turn the camera on. They drifted off into another compartment where there was no camera feed.

I found myself choking up a bit. Like magic Kathy was suddenly there with her hand on my elbow asking if I was alright. I nodded and whispered, "I just can't wait to hear her voice."

I saw Kathy frown. I could tell what she was thinking: why wasn't Peg calling me? Why hadn't I heard her voice? I should be hearing her voice on a regular basis. I didn't have an answer, just sound working theories, and Kathy knew every one of them.

Peg and her spacewalking companion were in the compartment for longer than I would have thought. Suddenly there was Peg on one of the additional monitors: the main camera for the later press conference would not be turned on for a few moments yet. But we had all the cameras in the station available to us. Kathy was punching a keyboard putting different views up on our split screened main monitor.

It was so good to see my wife, and here she was gliding in Zero G like she was flying. She had done it: invented her experiment, shepherded it into orbit, then flown overhead of us out in space to adjust it. She was a hero to me. Peg came floating out from the side pod ante chamber probably used for supply storage. The man she had spacewalked came out right behind her. I looked for Kathy puzzled. Kathy understood my concern. Their clothing was different.

She whispered, "Don't worry they would have gotten freshened up, no nudity. After their EV they had to come back into the space station, get out of their space suits, make sure they are healthy with a few basic medical devices: pulse, temperature, that sort of thing, then stow their suits and gear. That's when they would go freshen up. Then they double check to make sure the gear is stored correctly and log any required maintenance. That happens in there now," Kathy pointed to the screen indicating the pod they were floating out of, "Then they float out to meet us."

Kathy could tell I didn't like my wife changing in a room with another man. I was no prude, I was just overly sensitive. Kathy punched a button to bring up yet another camera's view. It was inside the pod and I could see the man's legs still in that compartment as he floated out to join my wife.

It looked bad the two of them being in a compartment and coming out wearing different clothes than we saw under their space suits earlier. The main problem was that they were looking so happy with each other, and not exactly in a "having pride in a mission well done" sort of way.

I couldn't help but smile seeing my wife though. Her family and I exchanged the same happy smiles. There was our Peggy! Peg looked radiant: she was positively aglow. She seemed to shine more when she turned back to her spacewalk partner.

I wasn't the only one who noticed the two of them shared that glow now; the adults in the room were shifting restlessly. Peg just kept looking at ... her partner. They were sharing a conversation and seemed more than merely at ease with each other; they were enjoying each other's company. I made myself be objective. Wouldn't you enjoy each other's company? They had just spacewalked together and achieved an objective which was of special significance to my wife. The man with her had helped her achieve her dreams. Objectivity that made me feel better, until that last bit.

The duo spontaneously hugged before the audio began while the main meeting camera was powering up. As the main camera was off, they may have thought we could not see them. I felt five pairs of eyes looking at me to see my reaction.

As the spacewalkers and now station-huggers broke their embrace and oriented themselves for the main camera, they continued to hold hands. I noted that their prep for the main camera was done in a way that seemed to ignore or forget that they were under surveillance by other cameras. Maybe they thought only space agency personnel could see that feed but not her family and me. A bad thought re-occurred to me. She'd never told me about the spacewalk, she may not be expecting to see me here. I found the thought disquieting.

Peg and her cohort continued to hold hands as the full space video conference commenced. Should that make me feel better or worse? They didn't seem ashamed or try to hide anything. Did that mean it was innocent and nothing to hide? I tried to think of Peggy's major accomplishments here on earth, had she held the hand of her professor when she got her doctorate? She held my hand when we got married. But I was her husband and that guy wasn't. Was he now her work husband? What sort of benefits did that position engender?

At about that time all three of my wife's immediate family members openly looked at me again to gauge my reaction. At least I wasn't alone in thinking it odd. I didn't want this going south for my wife; she had worked all her life for this moment. So, I quickly indicated for them to let me take my place behind them instead of in front where I had been standing. I wasn't sure if my visage, little less my presence, was going to be jarring to Peggy. Even if it was innocent, I didn't want awkwardness to spoil any of her achievement. I hoped by my going to the back that when Peg saw me, she might think to drop his hand: no big deal, crisis averted. Having me front and center seemed much closer to a "Ah ha", or worse a "gotcha", moment.

The proper camera clicked on, and we received the new feed, their hands were below the threshold of this camera and out of sight, though we could see their hands were still clasped from the original feed we had been viewing.

We all said hello at once making our audio a muddied mess. Peggy was bubbling and introduced Alexi who she explained to her family had helped her get prepared and through the space flight. She extolled his virtues. She was effusive saying he was the key to the success of what she termed "the ultimate memory and thrill of my life."

Kathy went gray at that. My mother-in-law just looked down. Peg's sister picked up on the disappointment and tension in our group. Her eyes grew and brows knit as she realized the magnitude of the problem and that this was not a small issue. I thought my father-in-law was going to kill someone.

Peg seemed confused by the suddenly subdued expressions of her family members.

My father-in-law waded in, "Listen here ... Alexi ...", he started angrily. I quickly put my hand on his shoulder. I whispered over his shoulder, "This is my show, Dad. Okay?"

He nodded looking a little embarrassed.

We heard Peggy gasp. I guess she was so eager and happy about her accomplishment that she had stared into the camera instead of her monitor. I wondered if her whole world was the inside of that station now, and that views of what lay outside didn't hold much appeal for her any longer.

As Peggy had looked at the screen drawn by her father's voice, and saw all the less than enthusiastic faces, their faces lead her to mine, hence her gasp. Her smile turned into a terse straight line.

Damn it, this was fast becoming my worst-case scenario. Perhaps I should have thought along the lines of, 'I shouldn't have come'. Nope, sorry. That's a bridge too far. I didn't want this to blow up on Peggy, but she had all the gas, and she was the one playing with matches.

I pushed up to the front. As I had not averted spoiling the moment, now I needed to take charge to save it. Peg didn't help me by seeming surprised to see me.

I purposely ignored that as I spoke, "Baby, I'm so proud of you! You did it like a seasoned veteran. You showed us how it's done!" I was a bit louder than I needed to be but no louder than an extremely proud husband would be.

Her eyes fluttered and her mouth trembled at my words.

I kept it up, "This is everything I wanted. I-I just want to share your accomplishments and joy with you."

This elicited an awkward forced smile on her face. I hoped she was only thinking of our sacrifices before she launched and not that she simply no longer liked seeing me. Or that she didn't want to share this moment with me.

I suddenly felt I had to add, "I don't want any of your limelight, just to share this with you."

I said it diffidently, I was trying to praise and be non-confrontational, but my mind was reeling. Did Peg think that because she didn't tell me about her spacewalk that I wouldn't find out, and not be here for her? That couldn't be the case, could it? She didn't want to exclude me from this, did she? Like she had excluded me from her body and her love? Geez, I wish those last thoughts had not popped into my head.

Peg wasn't saying anything. It was now incumbent on me to save this for Peggy, her family, and NASA. "You worked so hard; you made the tough sacrifices." I made a point of repeating it, "You made tremendous sacrifices for this, and you've done it." Hopefully I was sending the message I needed her to hear, "So, everything was well worth it!"

I emphasized the message trying to save the moment, "That's what I say. That's what I think. I'm just thrilled for you. Peggy, I'm not sure I have ever felt this proud of anything!"

Peggy's face almost fractured, "Oh, thank you Gary! You don't know what that means to me. You told me that before. But I thought, I mean all your sacrifices ..."

I cut in finishing her sentence, "Are something we don't need to discuss until you have been back home with me for a while. Okay? All I want is for you to succeed and come home to me. Got it?"

Peg seemed close to tears, "Yes Gary." She also seemed very relieved.

"And Peg I would love to hear from you even more than I do. I just can't get enough of you and your mission, you know?" Peg would know I was hiding her lack of communication. I believed she would understand I was on her side, trying to protect her, safeguarding any spousal infractions, and being the best husband and fanboy I could possibly be.

"If you could just share a line or two more a day, about what you have done and how it makes you feel, that would be wonderful for me! Just whatever makes you happy, as often as you could, just a line would mean the world to me. You really are my hero. It may be silly, but with you away I hang on every little line. I-I want you to be happy, just let me be happy with you. Okay?"

She was almost crying as she said it, "I love you, Gary!"

She started to bring her hand up in a gesture to reach out to my video face. Unfortunately, it brought along Alexi's hand, which she still clasped, emphasizing she was sharing all that I longed for with someone else.

Damn.

I wasn't getting the correspondence from my wife everyone else there, even Kathy who was not family, was getting. It had been the same for four months leading up to launch. I'd been subtle the way I told her of my need for her, as subtle as I could make it in front of others without the meaning being lost for her. I set myself on fire to cover for her, and things had just blown up anyway.

Peggy now saw her hand attached so freely and affectionately to another man's. While it didn't look intimate to me, it looked like more than a happy work relationship. It looked like two people who had climbed a large mountain together who spent time in each other's company and enjoyed that time. It looked like two people who could depend on each other; it looked one kiss away from romance. And it emphasized everything I had once, then lost.

Peg's eyes widened in horror looking at their clasped hands. She snatched her hand away so quickly they both started a slow Zero G spin. Neither was endangered but Peg had to grab a handrail and use her arm to compensate, then recompensate.

Alexi was a Zero G pro, simply pushing softly against the curved wall, then another quick adjustment on a bulkhead, and was right there to protect Peg from non-threating injury. She hated it when his hand went to her waist to counter her spin. Her withering glance made him retract it immediately. The question was whether it was his touch that was actually unwanted or what it might reveal to her family. Apparently even in a Zero G world a person can hang their head, which is what Peggy did after Alexi's hand on her put a stop to what had become an extremely awkward moment.

She looked up at me shaking her head. I know mine shook slightly as I tried to shake off the awkward guilt surrounding and enveloping my wife.

I wanted contact with her. I wanted to share with her. I wanted to protect her. Alexi was doing all of that. First the space flight replaced me. Now the space flight had taken the form of a man. I pushed that ugly thought to the back of my mind. I still had to protect Peg. The others would follow my lead. I had to be calm and shrug this off.

Kathy looked at me seeing exactly what I was trying to do. She also saw how this ghastly thing ripped at me, though it was well hidden from the others.

I tried my best, after all I was trying for my wife. Hoping I was standing like I had not seen anything unusual, I tried to reset the situation.

"Baby, I am so proud of you, and what you have accomplished, and are accomplishing. That's rock solid fact. Please share that joy with me." I hesitated before saying the next hoping to emphasize its message, "Nothing else matters."

I saw my wife looking at the others behind me. I chanced a glance back at them. Peg's mother was aghast, her father angry, her sister looked like she wanted to fade into the scenery, which was off-white government issue mid-century anti chic, or bland-posh eggshell semi-gloss, take your pick. Whatever you call it, no sane person would want to become that color in normal circumstances. Kathy had a professional expression on her face with slightly pursed lips and a rigidly set jaw. That expression summed up her professional opinion in either of two two-word statements: "not good" or "fucked up".

I tried to cut through the awkwardness again, "Peggy, this meeting hasn't gone as I wished. You must listen to me. I AM proud of you. I LOVE you and you have done GREAT. That's all that matters right now. I want you to enjoy this and be as radiant as you were before our conference began and the main cameras turned on!"

That didn't have the effect I wanted. Peggy thought of what she did before the conference cameras turned on: she had floated over and hugged Alexi! I could see her eyes close, and her lips mouth, "Damn."

"Look Peg," I was taking over control of this fiasco now. "I ah, I have something I have to do. I couldn't be more sorry, but I have to go. Please believe I am happy for you, excited, and just want to share that with you. I want you to feel that way too because you should feel that way. Why not write to me tonight ... if you can. But I think this meeting might go better, that you might have more fun, if I left now."