Splashdown Ch. 04

Spacewalk

Peggy

I know you've heard Gary's and my problems. Explaining this to you we have put the problem front and center, but you can't understand what really happened, or the depth of the problem either, if you don't know what it was like most of the time.

Gary and I got along great from my standpoint. I was always studying or something. I was preparing for a rocket launch and to live on a satellite. It was so exciting! Except for poor Gary, as he had nothing to occupy him with his furlough at work.

Time flew as far as I was concerned. There were times I looked up and saw Gary just looking at me. Then I would look up again and he would be gone, and I would realize a couple of hours had gone past. I would wonder if he had been waiting for a chance to say something and never found it. Then I would be lost in study again, forgetting before I could search him out to ask.

Our alone time grew tense. When I thought of him, I would go through a check list. It seemed I jumped right from Gary and his welfare, to sex and how I was not in the mood. I knew Gary had no tolerance for moods, previously neither had I. My strange behavior was one more log for a fire that became a pyre.

I would jump right from 'Oh Gary is here,' to 'Oh God, I'm locked up tight. He needs sex and I don't think I'm capable.' Then I would cascade into panic and guilt. Often then I would gloss right over basic considerations such as 'How are you? What are you working on?' I didn't think to talk about nice things that may melt my ice and get me warmed up so maybe we could make love, or at least get Gary a decent screw to get the poor monk's rocks off. The result was horrid; instead of getting a basic acknowledgement his presence was wanted, Gary would walk in a room to see me make a sour expression or possibly scowl in his direction. I made him feel anything but wanted.

When sex and basic companionship from me looked like a no go, I would clamp up twice as tight thinking of how I had disappointed him. I hated him angry at me, but his disappointment in me ... I had never felt anything like it: I couldn't face it. It was shattering. I had always excelled. I hadn't always won, but I always gave a great effort, and if not the victor initially, I would rapidly come back and work until I prevailed. I was not winning any aspect concerning Gary now, nor was I really working to do so. I wasn't doing right by him, I wasn't even considerate in any meaningful volume. I was a failure in any aspect of being a wife you cared to mention.

I was intensely aware, no obsessed, with my having cut him off. I made a decision that affected him more than me, and God help me hadn't even considered what it would mean for him, little less to him. That thought really drove me nuts, I thought of the mission first and that it would be bad for him, but that he would support it. Only after the needle was in my arm did I ask questions like how fast, and how much, and how severe, to what degree, and the effect on my "marital status". Holy shit, everything they said had the echo of "Gary will hate that. Gary will hate that." And Gary did HATE it.

The most terrible aspect is that I did think of Gary, and made the decision to cut him off, I just didn't think about how miserable he would be. I figured we would still have sex; I just wouldn't be as into it. I never thought my innards would glue themselves shut, that moisture just would go away, that I actually wouldn't want a man's sexual touch, nor that the very idea would be a little sickening. I should have shut my biology down because it sure seemed like that's what I had done anyway. And I never thought for a moment of the emotional impact on my husband. I thought he would be miffed, never that I would break his heart.

Most of our interaction was fine. I knew Gary loved me, but when my guilt would manifest it was like setting off a bomb under Gary. I didn't quite understand it, but I soon came to expect it. I knew I was cringing when we had time alone. And yes, I avoided it and him. When he was there and I faced those facts, I was worse than ever. I knew I had pushed him too far because no matter what he seemed to take the kick in the shin and smile; our honest by-play had ceased. Gary thought it had become unimportant to me. Because I wasn't sharing with him, he thought I didn't want to. So even though he needed to, for my benefit, he stopped sharing with me. A few times I pushed him so far that he actually did share what he was thinking ... and it was awful.

It wasn't that I disagreed with his assessment, it's that I didn't want him to think and feel the way I had made him think and feel. The roughest part was I didn't want to devote the time or energy to get it right with him. When the chemicals fully had their way with me, I made sure few of our discussions took longer than the ten minutes I had scheduled for him. Gary would have been in a higher orbit than the ISS if he had known I scheduled time for him, and that it was a paltry ten minutes.

I'm sure most of our time was pretty lousy for Gary. I have only relayed the worst of it, or where he kicked some sense in my head, or where I would wake up to find out he was motivated or feeling things completely differently than I thought. It wasn't all as bad as the lowlights I have shared with you. Most of the time Gary was almost effusively warm and always supportive, even if he was beside himself at my attitude towards him.

If there was a sacrifice to make it always turned out Gary made it. I made concessions in order to further my mission, not for my husband. It was no longer the mission for either of us, it was my mission. With all his sacrifices how could that possibly be the case? It should have been our mission. Because we had done it! With his sacrifice and support and my training and concessions I was in space! I was on the ISS!

Although I was in orbit, I took two strong pieces of firmament with me. Both were huge gifts from my husband: I always knew that Gary wanted me to excel on my mission, and Gary just loved me to pieces.

* * * * *

Spacewalk

Gary

Peg's mother, father, and sister, and I were contacted by NASA about an upcoming spacewalk my wife would be making. They offered us a briefing at the space flight facility where they could show us the actual gear Peggy would be using and have experts available for questions about her extravehicular sojourn.

Her mom and dad decided to fly down and attend, but Peg's sister had her own family and couldn't get away for the briefing. I had a major misgiving that I resolved to keep to myself for a while. Everyone else was excited. I knew Peggy would be ecstatic. I was always cautious about things until I analyzed them for their dangers. I was quiet through the briefings. Her mom and dad picked up on my ill ease making sure to ask me about it afterwards.

We drove to a little nearby café and sat outside on their scenic deck for privacy, and to give my in-laws a chance to enjoy the Florida warmth. I asked them if they knew about the spacewalk before NASA contacted us. Looking confused they said they did. I asked how they knew, telling them I only knew because NASA called out of the blue. They knew there had to be more to it than that.

They told me in a shared matter of fact way that Peggy "writes all of us every day." Perhaps it was only a few sentences but "after all, she says she really doesn't have much time."

When I didn't confirm I had the same experience I really got their radar going. Peggy's mother picked up on my troubled manor, she asked as if to confirm her beliefs, "We presumed she was saving most of her free time for contacting you."

They saw my face darken. You need to know that Peggy's family loved me. They thought I was the best possible husband for their daughter. Peggy's father was a career warrior. That we could share war stories made me a brother in arms, despite my not explaining why I had done what I was describing. He put the pieces of my career together very quickly, seeing me as one of his own ever since. Most importantly, they both knew I adored their daughter and would lay down my life for her. I would never say anything discouraging about Peggy unless I thought the situation dire. If I did, they would understand immediately I was desperate for their help.

"Gary what is it? Peggy told us you were having trouble about her flight."

Now they saw my face darken in anger not sadness. Her mother rushed to add, "S-She said it was her fault."

"If I tell you, it might change your perception of your daughter and I have no desire to do that."

"Gary, have you two broken up?" Her mother practically shrieked.

I had to smile, "Well, not from my end." They gasped. I clarified holding up a hand for them to slow down. "No, she isn't having an affair. Not per the norm. Though her actions almost exactly follow the pattern of one. She hasn't left me for a man, but for her space flight."

Before they could object, I started to lay it out for them. I thought they should know what was probably coming. I put it in unobjectionable language, but I told them everything: that she had accepted the flight without bothering to tell me about it for weeks, the condoms, the injections Peggy agreed to without my consent or input, even the complete lack of desire and intimacy during sex, and afterwards the guilt that forced her away from me so much we basically just stopped trying. I explained that after giving up on the physical side of our love, Peggy rarely made time for me at all. It was like she had already flown up to the station. She just wasn't there for me or concerned with my comings and goings much at all.

I explained that we had no emotional or physical relationship. I felt unrelated roommates spoke to each other more. Worst, I prayed it was because of the injections, Peggy didn't seem to mind what was happening to us. Most peculiar she seemed to center the problem on me. She would laugh and enjoy her colleagues on the phone, her mood only became somber if she realized I was in the room, or if interacting with me became unavoidable. What I couldn't understand was that Peggy knew I was miserable and mostly didn't care.

I admitted I didn't understand how we got to a point where, even if she had no desire for me, that she lost all compassion as a human being towards me. Especially as her relationships with others seemed unaffected.

I explained what Peggy had not always known: that I was cut off from my "security" job because she was cohabitating with three Russians. I explained to anxious parents that my boss didn't think she would have any sort of relations with them, but why would my boss invite the scrutiny of his department by having an employee who talks to an outpost with three enemy combatants every night? Technically I was still working because I was drawing a check. I was a planner and sometimes field tech with nothing to plan nor, God forbid, a mission in the field. As I wasn't in the office, I couldn't help anyone else with their projects or analysis. I couldn't even do low-level work because using my credentials from home without direct supervision would invite scrutiny as well. Hell, I couldn't even call the office to talk about sports.

I told them, "Peggy spoke to plenty of people about her mission. The rest of the time it was studying this procedure or that alloy or running simulations of her experiment over and over. Folks, she was in heaven every minute. Then all became dour when she looked up and saw me.

"I guess from her standpoint the good news was that she had me cut back so severely she only had to be that upset and unhappy a few minutes a day. If she had asked me to sit beside her and be quiet, I gladly would have. Which was how matters played out when she had a public event to attend. I've prayed her emotional abandonment is caused by the drugs."

My father-in-law added, "The same drugs you never wanted her to take in the first place, and that she took without even asking for your consultation or permission?" It was really a statement, and a rather perturbed one.

There was no disagreement from my mother-in-law, even about the permission aspect. She knew what it was like to not have the touch of your loved one for extended periods. They had always discussed her husband's next posting or assignment. They always approached his life as a Marine together as a team.

My mother-in-law was in tears when I told them my fear that Peg would now associate me with guilt, pain, and sadness, causing her to leave me when she got back from her mission. That Peg had forgotten me or seemed to not have much concern for my feelings and needs, brought her mother to tears. That Peggy made unilateral decisions about us to the extent she had made steam come out her father's ears.

Peggy's mother was scared of both what her father was going to do and what her daughter had done.

Peg's father fumed, "So our little girl, gentle sweet Margaret, put off having kids without having the excuse of a definite space flight pending?"

"Yes sir. But she was on the roster to be chosen and eventually was."

He then asked, "And basically, made herself into a female eunuch without so much as notifying her husband first? What would you call that?"

Trying to calm him, his wife offered quietly, "A mare?" She hadn't missed the point; she was trying to deflect it.

I thought aloud, "Wow, more ties to space. Besides the reference to horses, mares are the dark spots on the moon, often translating to "sea" when used in that context." My diversion didn't work either.

"Actually, my dear," Peggy's father said to his wife, "I meant what do you call it when someone does all that to another? Little Peggy has practically made a systematic attack on her marriage and husband. The word I was looking for was betrayal."

We all looked at each other, that killed the conversation.

Her father suddenly erupted. He was prone to colorful pontifications. I normally found them endearing. He just needed to blow off steam. "A spouse should never cut off the other! If she was going to stop having sex with you, she should have gotten you a girlfriend first. Faced with that task, and what it could mean for her future, I doubt she would have been so cavalier with her actions concerning her marriage."

What he said made me regret telling them, which his wife saw. That made her mother nervous. "What are you suggesting? That our son-in-law cheat? Just because Peggy doesn't have interest in him right now."

She had meant to defend our marriage, she realized immediately that she'd placed a knife between my ribs. Her dismay and remorse were readily apparent. She started taking side glances at me. She was not a woman to retreat though she needed to redefine her position. To her credit she charged ahead.

"I'm sorry, Gary. I know that's not right. This isn't like a medical problem that precludes your ... intimacy for a while. This is something Peggy did to you. Being so glued to my husband I can say this and know it won't be taken wrongly. Peg is a fine-looking woman, but her other assets are probably greater than her facial features. But you, well, damn it, Gary, you could be on TV or something. Maybe you aren't a male model," she cringed fearful she was going wayward again, "The point is my daughter has to be nuts."

"No Mom, in effect she is having an affair."

She gasped.

"No. No. There's no other man. It's with the mission. She grew up loving space exploration." Both her parents nodded. Peggy had been infatuated with space since being a little girl.

"Gary, are you suggesting she loves the mission more than you? That's absurd. Isn't it?" She was very worried.

"No, that's the case. When she had to choose, she was faithful. I hadn't reasoned some of it out until right this instant, but I see it now. She's married to the mission. She's having the affair with me. The love of her life is what the space agency is giving her right now. That explains a lot."

"What? Gary, I'm lost."

"Mom, Peg writes to you every day. I write to her every day. At first, she was writing to me five days a week, that was more attention than I got when she was home before the flight. Now it's three, and it's all general stuff, almost nothing personal. I figure soon it will be less. I thought she was just too busy up there to contact me, but not if she's making time to write you guys. She loves you."

"Gary, she loves you too."

They saw me thinking. Her mom was still horrified at the revelation that she didn't write me more than them. I hated to lower the boom.

"Mom, I asked you here to talk because Peg never told me about the space walk. She never mentioned it. I didn't know until NASA called to go over the facts of the spacewalk and offered us the meeting today. I haven't mentioned that I know about the spacewalk to Peggy because she had her reasons for not wanting me to know. Even if she's decided to leave me, I don't want her worried right now, I don't want any distractions for her if she's going to spacewalk. Do you understand me? I can ask her afterwards."

My in laws were stunned. They just sat there for a while. Finally, and very quietly my mother-in-law spoke again, "Gary, especially with what she's done, I mean none of it sounds right to do to someone you are in a relationship to, but married to? That's not right ..."

She just stopped talking, it seemed whatever followed would be damning to her daughter. She was very concerned, fearful for Peggy and her marriage and, yes, me.

Peggy's father had no problem wading in and didn't try to hide his disgust, "Where does this leave you, Gary? A woman doesn't cut off her man like this, not if she's all in."

I tried to hide the blow his statement had landed, "I see what you're talking about. I won't abandon her while she's up there. I'm cutting her slack because I know her, and she's not the type to dally with a man."

Her mother added a little confusingly, "I can't understand why she's doing, or not doing, what she isn't doing with you. I agree it's a pattern. But I know she loves you."

My eyes narrowed wading through her words. The meaning seemed plain. I tried to answer, "As far as I can reason it comes down to one of two things. And I hate the answer. I've hated all the answers each step along the way.

"Guilt is one possibility she's pulled away from me. She's not depressed. Peggy was happy as a June bug working on her space stuff. She was down to acknowledging my existence less than ten percent of the time. Maybe a little at the dinner table, but she often brought work to study through dinner too."

Her mother gasped again.

"Maybe we would cross paths near the end of the day, going into the bedroom preparing for sleep. She had to acknowledge me because she would have crashed into me if she didn't. You could see suddenly her thoughts were away from her flight and I came rushing back into her mind like an ill tide. At which point she became fumbling and guilt-ridden. All our interactions where what she wished and were nothing but strained.

"So, if you were Peggy, why wouldn't you force me from your mind? You want and need to concentrate on your mission. Her degree of concentration was obsessive to say the least. I'm not saying it's okay or excusing what's she's done, but I could understand that at least."

"But you didn't do anything to cause her to act this way," her mother interjected.

"Exactly, which is what makes her guilt so acute."

Mom sat back in her chair exhausted, as it started to make sense to her. "The set of circumstances you describe are actually ... diabolical. And it makes matters so much worse for you."

"I can't deny that."

Peggy's dad asked, "What's the other possible reason, Gary?"

"That I'm just not a priority for her. That her lack of caring about me is not caused by the chemicals she took, but rather the very reason she took them and did all the other hurtful things. That Peggy really is leaving me."