All Comments on 'Step Sis is My Roommate'

Far to short, needs far more build up to any sex,why would she say to him "I have 2 bedrooms use any one" .,here is hers.

Write longer pages.

Do keep up writing.

You should write a little more. Quality seems missing. I mean, try to elaborate more. As a first timer, you wrote nice

Wrong category-fetish not incest.

Damn I want more

Writing takes practice. I would suggest you read lots of the stories here to see how writers develop storylines and action. Also, see the help topics for help in writing dialogue. We’ve all been where you are; take your time and enjoy the ride.

Interesting start.

Can’t wait for the next chapter.

This is your first story. It needs more descriptions.

The characters hair color & length

Sara's bust size, or at least Joe's guess at what it is

You didn't mention Joe moving his belongings into the apartment, even though he'd been dismissed from his dorm. You did have him explain the reason why, which was the correct length of description.

The tags you chose were appropriate. Remember that some folks are turned off by certain things, like anal, golden showers, pubic hair, ect... When you begin the next chapter, add tags indicating what happens in the story. If Sara has no pubic hair or is hairy, list it. If rough sex is present, anal or otherwise, tag your story as such. I look forward to your next chapter or separate story.

Dude, dont quit your day job..

The writing form was all over the place. Take a minute to go back and re-read your work. Maybe out loud since it's such a short piece. Does it sound right as you speak it? Keep working, hopefully it gets better.

You could use some proof reading before publishing.

The idea is fresh...a sleepwalking step-sister. I will agree on several levels that this could be considered not incest, but in many states incest is considered anyone who has a relation, biological or step. The object is to not allow an over-zealous step sibling to abuse power over a younger one. Anonymous commenters should not be allowed to post. They post mostly on the negative. How hard is it to sign in. Some anonymous posters hide, to simply post negative stuff, to cut a new author down...most of them have never posted a single article.

Saying my opposition to allowing anonymous posters is not new. Others feel the same way.

I appreciate people trying to do things that are above their immediate capability. The story you posted had no build up, a frosh error. There was no definitive understanding of where these two "fictional" characters were coming from, their true conflict, the immediate resolution to the situation. If those ideals had been put in place, the story would not have been too short.

As far as the category suggestion...that person doesn't comprehend...probably a teen...nothing fetish about this story. If perhaps he thinks "sleepwalking" is the fetish, he/she doesn't understand the premise.

Keep trying...I would be glad to read further editions of this work.

Loser and what kind of peep hole is that

Some people make stupid comments and hide behind anonymous. Virtually all the others hide behind some fictional name. Some of them make stupid comments too. All good. The thing that amuses me, however, is when one of the fictionals decides they have more right to comment than the anonymous. Or is your name really 'amepacul'?

Did you read the category title? It is Incest, Taboo, and yet you make them step siblings. I'm guessing that real incest grosses you out or something like it. But for those of us who choose it there is a very thrilling component, not guilt. In this category we are looking for real incest. If you don't find a thrill in it I probably can't explain it to you. Just put it somewhere else.

"Before I could continue Sara interpreted me."

She interpreted you???

You need to develop a story, Spend some time, maybe three quarters in Creative Writing 101-2-3. A string of one-liners does not make a story.

Never never never end a tale with "to be continued". You may not come back so you must write to finish your tale

Minus two stars.

I want to be constructive, but the best I can manage is to say that you appear not to be a native English speaker, and if that's the case your English is really good and the meaning comes across, but you could use a native language proofreader to avoid awkward phrasing that no native Anglophone would use if they were old enough to be writing (or reading) this kind of story.

This may be a matter of personal taste, but I massively dislike "script style", e.g.

Sara: "I am Sara and I am saying this."

Joe: "Thank you Sara, I am Joe and this is my response."

Sara said, Joe said. It's very simple. A lot of people get self conscious about the fact they've used "said" 25 times on one page, but no one other than the author will even notice it because they're used to seeing it. They WILL notice if you try to avoid doing it, and it makes your writing look weird.

A few examples:

"He said some shits about me." ... in the phrase "he said some shit", no matter how many times he did it, "shit" is never pluralized, it's treated as a collective noun.

"Why did you fight that boy?" ... it's not actually WRONG, it just changes the meaning of the question from "why did you get in a fight" to "of course you got in a fight, because that's what people do, but why with him in particular?" If that's what you meant (as in, if you're going to fight someone at college, the Dean's son is probably pretty low on the list of good choices) then "Why did you fight the Dean's son, of all people?" sounds more natural, and if not then "Why did you get in a fight?" or "What were you fighting about?" come across better.

Okay this was rough I gave you 4 because you need to proof read and better edit your work other than those two things this story lacks length and is ultimately why I cut this 5 stars... A good story needs build up and this one kinda lacks that don't be afraid to spend a page or two explaining the motivations of each person involved along side setting up a good story.... Note a good story has more than one page.... A single page story is not a story at all to me but and article now its possible to build a really hot and steamy article by quickly explaining character motivations during passionate hot sex

GET AN EDITOR NOW!

Dude you did fine, just make sure you finish the story.