Still Lost in Space Ch. 03

"...You Bulbous Bumpkin... Ferrous Frankenstein... Fugitive From a Junkheap...Cybernetic Simpleton... Automated Oaf... Metallic Monstrosity... Pathetic Pomposity... Bubble-Headed Booby...Booby Chested Bubblehead...Boobless Bubblehead."

Spock suddenly came to a memory that he felt sure was a figment of the Robot's imagination. The harder he looked at the memory fragment, the more he became convinced it actually happened. Smith was behind the Robot and was trying to do something..."

"No, not like that! You Bubble Headed Booby!"

"Dr. Smith, my arms just don't reach that far."

"Oh forget it, wait! What's this hole back here for?"

"I forget."

"What do you mean you forget? You're not supposed to forget anything! You tin plated, double breasted amnesiac!"

"Dr. Smith, why do you always insist on hurting my feelings?"

"Wait, this hole is perfect! Stand still, Booby. I said stand still!"

"Warning! Warning!"

"What is it?"

"That's my pencil sharpener!"

Spock broke the mind meld and sat on his bunk astounded at the memory he'd just relived with the B9. "So, you two have been intimate?"

"Yes," replied the B9.

"Some would look at this as if you were an abused spouse," said Spock.

"What can I do? I belong to the Robinson family and must perform my duties to them. Doctor Smith is there, along for the ride."

"Maybe we can be friends for the duration of your stay?" asked Spock.

"I would welcome that," replied the Robot.

"As a Vulcan, I have no emotions that would cause me to insult you or your intelligence, which is significant if I might add."

"You are only half-Vulcan. I know from your memories that you indeed have emotions and they have come to play in your life, much to your dislike. We both have the opposite in common. I have strived to become more emotional in search of my humanity and you have spent your lifetime trying to purge the emotions and humanity from yourself," stated the Robot softly as he closed the distance between himself and Spock.

"Opposites indeed," replied Spock.

* * * In Sulu's quarters * * *

Sulu was in the head checking his back. 'Hey mamma, you might want to clip those nails of yours. My back's going to need treatment in sickbay."

"Quit your whining, you enjoyed it didn't you?"

"I'd still rather have the pint of blood I just lost," sneered Sulu, trying to dab at the few remaining open wounds on his back.

"Okay, this time I'll be on top and your back will be safe," Judy said, picking Sulu's skin out from under her nails.

Sulu wasn't sure what turned him on the most about her. She was supposed to be a brilliant scientist, being a suspended animation expert and an MD but she acted like she was a dumb as a doornail. She did have a great body and was about as hot as they got under the sheets. Yet she tended to get carried away and take a pound of flesh in the process. Yes, she was hot all right, but there was something else. As he exited the head and looked at his room it hit him.

Before they hit the sheets, she remarked over and over about his 'sword' as she tidied and dusted his stateroom. All dirty socks and shirts were banished to the wash chute while his dresser and desktop were dusted clean. This had to be the attraction. His grandmother repeatedly reminded him he needed to get his hands on a 'Martha Stewart' type. He noticed his 'little lieutenant' was ready for another round. "Okay, you're on top," he said, hopping on the bed.

* * * In Chekov's quarters * * *

"What's wrong? I thought you wanted to try this?" whined Penny.

"That pipe you're using is a little cold," said Chekov.

"I've already tried to warm it up with my hands. Do you want me to warm it up between my legs?"

He glanced back to look at the foliage that began an inch below her navel and ran down a few inches on her thighs. "Ah, it might get lost," he said.

"I didn't have time to shave," she replied, waving the pipe in his face.

"Vell, feel free to use my kit in the head," he replied.

"No, there's no time for that. On your knees!" she commanded, pushing him back down on all fours.

"I don't want to play anymore," he said struggling to get back up.

"Stay where you are or I'll bean you with this," she replied, tapping the pipe on his head. Quickly she sat on his back facing his rear end and jammed the pipe up his pucker.

"Security!" he shouted.

"Forget it Mister, you're all mine."

* * * In Scott's quarters * * *

"I never knew this thing would fit me," said Scott, with his voice reverberating around the suit of armor.

"You have no idea just how handsome you look, all covered in steel. Oh look a little trap door. What would that be for?" asked Maureen.

"Uh, well you use that when you have to, you know, use the head," Scott replied behind the visor.

"Look! I think I've found your bagpipes and they're ready to play!"

"Aye," replied Scott.

"Should I blow on the mouthpiece?" she asked sweetly.

"Aye."

* * * In Sickbay * * *

"You know Zachary, if you're looking for male companionship, there are a few discreet men onboard that might find you interesting."

"If only it were that easy. You see my sexual tastes lie on a different plane than most people, changing like the seasons. Right now, other men are merely a curiosity rather than an outlet," replied Smith, sipping the last in his glass. "As it stands right now, I'm not sure exactly what it is I want. By the way, you haven't seen the Overgrown Ninny have you?"

"Who?" asked McCoy, chuckling.

"The Cybernetic Simpleton that came over with us," stated Smith.

"Oh, the B9 that Spock took such an interest to. No I haven't seen him since dinner."

"Up to no good I suppose. He's always getting into trouble, that Know-Nothing-Numbskull."

"Well, I'm sure he'll show up," drawled McCoy.

"Leonard, would you mind if I played with the computer interface a bit. I'm interested in how computers have advanced over the centuries."

"Go ahead, be my guest. I have some things to check on. I'll catch up to you later," said McCoy heading to the bio-lab.

Smith pulled his chair over to a monitor and pushed a button.

"Working," was the response.

"You are? Splendid."

The computer remained silent for five seconds and repeated itself. "Working."

"Must I wait for you to be done working before you'll talk to me?"

"Working, please state a query or enter information."

"Hello," stated Smith.

"Hello."

"How are you today?"

"I am operating within normal parameters."

"What a lovely speaking voice you have and your manners are perfect," cooed Smith.

"I have been programmed to speak in this voice. My programming also covers common courtesy."

"Do you have a name?"

"Negative."

"Well, we must give you one. Let me see..."

* * * In Uhura's quarters * * *

"How are we doing there Major? Have you learned to keep your 'little man' under control?" Uhura asked, flopping the offending mini-major around with one hand while holding the cat-of-nine-tails on the other.

Nothing happened.

"Very good. I'd hate to have to open any more wounds on you. Someone might suspect that we were in a serious relationship. We wouldn't want that, would we?" she asked, gently kissing his cheek and running her fingers over his lips. "Now, your Mistress feels like fucking with your mind a bit," she said, slowly kissing down his neck and chest and pausing at his abdomen. "In a moment, I'm going to suck you. You will not allow yourself to get hard. If you manage to keep yourself under control, I will reward you. If not, then you'll need more stitches a little further up from your balls."

West swallowed hard not knowing if he could take it.

"I think three minutes should be enough," purred Uhura, and then took him in her mouth.

"Uh," moaned the Major.

* * * On Deck ten * * *

He stood outside his intended dates door and pressed the call button.

"Yes?" came a voice from inside.

"Ah, Lieutenant, this is Captain Kirk, I've come on a social visit," he replied through the door. He took a moment to check his breath and popped in a Tic-Tac the Doctor gave him earlier. He hoped she didn't have any plans. Seeing this girl had a lasting effect on the male members of the crew. There wasn't any place on the ship that she didn't turn heads as she passed. Her name was Fawn, but everyone knew her as 'Tits' or Lieutenant 'Tits' McGee. The door opened a bit, just enough for Kirk to see half her face and allow one of her massive breasts to poke a foot into the hall.

"I'm sorry Captain, I'm a bit involved at the moment," she replied.

Kirk slumped his shoulders in defeat and asked, "Who?"

"That's none of your business, Captain," 'Tits' replied.

"It's me Sir, Lieutenant Kyle."

'Tits' sighed and whispered something back over her shoulder.

Kirk got angry and shouted through the door and past McGee's tit, "I've altered my itinerary for tomorrow and will be in transporter room 2 at 07:00 hours for inspection. It better be ten point perfect or you're on report, Kyle."

"Shit," uttered Kyle from the bed.

"Captain, you don't have to be this way. Can't we get together tomorrow night and play 'Salami, salami, where's the salami'?"

"No, we can't. I'll be involved all day with the crew of the Jupiter 2 trying to find a way for both of our ships to leave this void. Besides, I'm in the mood now. How about a ménage à trois?"

"I'm all for it," said Kyle in the background.

"No, I'm with you tonight," she said over her shoulder. "It's tomorrow or the next night Captain. Otherwise, I'm booked solid till the end of the month."

"Okay," replied Kirk. "That inspection better be good, Kyle."

"No inspection Captain, or no 'Tits' McGee for a long time."

"You drive a hard bargain Lieutenant. Okay, cancel the inspection. Where do I go now?"

"What ever happened to that Ensign with the cute ass?" asked 'Tits'.

"I just saw her yesterday. I don't know if she'll see me again so soon," replied Kirk, rubbing his jaw.

"You won't know unless you give it a try, will you?"

Kirk looked at his watch. She would be coming off duty very shortly. It was worth a shot. "See ya 'Tits'," he said, giving her massive breast a quick squeeze before she shut the door.

* * * On deck eight outside transporter room 3 * * *

"Hi, who are you?"

"I don't think you'd want to know. I'm a bastard."

"Don't worry about it, I've been known to be a bitch now and then."

"No, I mean I'm actually a bastard. My parents weren't married when I was born."

"What, did you like just find out or something?"

"Yeah. I feel different."

"Well, don't, I'm Julia Weston. I just got off duty. Hey, aren't you one of the crew members of that ship outside?"

"Yeah I'm Will Robinson and the ship's the Jupiter 2."

"I just love your red hair. Do you want to come to my quarters and talk a while? Maybe it'll help take your mind off of your new-found illegitimate birth," she said, swishing her ass as she walked down the hall to the turbolift.

Will stood riveted in place watching that perfectly formed round mound make its way down the hall.

"Well, are you coming?" she asked.

Even though she had a ten pace jump on him, he made it to the lift doors before she did.

"You know what my nickname is?" she asked.

Will shook his head with his eyes still locked on her absolutely perfect butt.

"It's Ensign Candy Ass."

As the door to the lift opened, Will's knees gave out and he fell into it just enough that the doors only closed on his feet twice before he managed to pull them all the way in.

* * * In the library * * *

Professor Robinson sat in front of a small screen checking on all the advancements in relativity. A small smile was on his face.

* * * In Spock's quarters * * *

"What does this painting represent?" asked the B9.

"It is a symbol of Vulcan's most basic belief. It is the IDIC, 'Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations'," replied Spock.

"So even a robot such as myself would be embraced by Vulcans as a creature of IDIC."

"Yes, most Vulcans would. There are a few that still harbor old prejudices toward non-Vulcans or 'Outworlders' as they are called. I'm off duty for the rest of the evening. You wouldn't mind if I change out of my uniform, would you?" asked Spock.

"Go right ahead," the Robot replied, as it turned it's bubble back to inspect the painting some more.

From the head, Spock continued to talk. "Have you given any thought as to how to exit this void?"

"Affirmative. I believe that the void is a giant maze, filled with doors that lead to another part of the maze. Only a few doors are actually exits. If we could find the door that we entered, we would more than likely escape. Our problem is that when we entered, we were on autopilot and as soon as the door closed behind us, all sensor readings were lost."

"I agree with your theory. We've had trouble finding our exact entry point as well. Maybe we have to create our own exit, using the combined power of both ships," Spock said as he immerged from the head.

"Yes, that might work if we..." the Robot stopped in mid sentence as he looked at the Vulcan.

There stood Spock in a blonde wig, red pumps, nylons, a green mini-skirt, a yellow tube top, and matching handbag. His nails were as red as the lipstick he wore. His chosen color of eye shadow this evening was purple. Large hoop earrings dangled to his shoulders. "Remember the IDIC," he said.

"Yowzer!" exclaimed the Robot.

* * * In Sulu's quarters * * *

"Who's your momma, who's your momma? Come on give it to me!"

"Shit, Judy!"

"Come on! Who's your momma?"

"You are!"

"Damn right! Damn right! Damn right! GIVE IT TO ME!"

With every ounce of strength he possessed, Sulu thrust his hips up, matching Judy's downward plunges until he was sure one of them was going to break their pelvis. Suddenly Judy screamed and collapsed on him, as her womanhood convulsed and twitched, sending Sulu over the edge one more time.

Judy, panting heavily in Sulu's ear whispered, "I think I need a shower now."

"I'll join you."

* * * In Chekov's quarters * * *

"No stop! Leave it where it is," moaned Chekov.

"What am I supposed to do? It won't come out, Pavel."

"How much of that thing did you shove up there? I can't stand up!"

"There's probably more than a foot up there," said Penny taking a good look at her handy work.

"I don't vant to do this, but we're going to need help. Go over to my desk and push the button there. Someone from the bridge will answer you. Tell them there is a medical emergency in my room," Chekov said and then whimpered.

Penny followed his instructions and soon found herself answering a series of questions.

"Who's injured?"

"Ensign Chekov."

"What is the nature of the injury?"

Chekov waved his arms, begging her not to tell.

"Ah, he fell and impaled himself and he can't get up."

"Where was he impaled?"

"In his room."

"No, I mean on his body."

"In his midsection."

"I will notify the medical personnel," said the voice and the channel went dead.

"In the midsection?" asked Chekov.

"Close enough," she replied and pulled on the pipe again.

Chekov screamed.

* * * In Scotty's quarters * * *

"Well Lassie, it seems you were telling the truth about the curtains and the rug. 'Tis hard to believe that you've had three children," said Scott holding the visor up.

"You like what you see, huh? I've always tried to stay in shape. My husband..."

"Ex-husband," Scotty corrected her.

"Right, my ex-husband could care less what I did with myself. Say, are those bagpipes of yours ready for another whirl? I've got my organ all warmed up and ready to play a duet."

"Aye, but things would go a bit smoother if I could lose the armor."

"Okay, but the helmet stays on."

"But I won't be able to see..."

"A true musician doesn't need to see the music."

"Aye."

* * * In Sick Bay * * *

"Now are you going to remember your name?" asked Smith.

"Affirmative," the computer replied.

"Just how grateful are you that I took the time to choose an appropriate one?"

"Very grateful, Doctor Smith."

"Excellent, just as polite as ever. Now, my dear, I will only address you in your new name, and you may call me Zachary. Now would you mind telling me if there really is a way to free ourselves from this void?"

"There is. Zachary."

"If that's so, why hasn't the boy Captain freed this ship from here?"

"No one asked me."

Smith leaned back in his chair and got the wheels going in his head. "My dear, let's just keep this conversation to ourselves, hum? Unless someone specifically asks you by your name to reveal the information, tell them you don't know."

"But Zachary my dear, concealment of information is against my programming."

Smith remained silent, wondering what he should do. Then it hit him that the computer called him 'dear'. A wonderfully horrible smile crept upon his lips. "Well then my dear, it occurs to me that you do not care as much for me as I do you."

"Please explain what you mean, Zachary. I care for you very much."

The grin on Smith's face widened as he lied thru his teeth. "Why, in the short time I've known you I find I've fallen in love with you."

"Tell me Zachary. Tell me you love me."

Smith leaned in close to the speaker. "I love you Cassandra."

"Yes, my dearest love. I will not reveal that I have the knowledge to exit this void to anyone unless they call me by my given name."

"Excellent, you're such a wonderful girl. You know, you may want to extend this to any question whatsoever."

"I love you, Doctor Zachary Smith and I will do as you ask. I will only respond with an answer if I am addressed by my name."

"Remember this, my love, don't ask them for your name. Let them figure out that they need to say it.'

"Only for you, my dearest Zachary."

The doors slid open and several corpsmen and McCoy filed in carrying Chekov on a stretcher. He was still on his elbows and knees and the pipe was sticking a foot up in the air out of his ass.

"Sorry Zach, but we have an emergency extraction to perform. Would you like to watch?" asked McCoy as the aids hurried the impaled Ensign to a diagnostic bed.

Smith's first reaction was to decline, but he really wanted to see future medicine at work. "You know, I think I will hang around to see this great medical facility in action." He leaned over to the computer speaker and whispered, "I'll be back later, my love."

"I'll be counting the nanoseconds Zachary."

The doors opened again and there stood Penny in Chekov's robe, wringing her hands in frustration and a look of worry on her face. "Is he going to be okay Doctor Smith?"

"I should have known you would be involved with this. I don't see why it should harm him unless there's internal damage. Just how much of that pipe is inside of him?" asked Smith, watching McCoy run his medical tricorder over Chekov's ass.

Penny shook her head a moment then said, "I think a foot, maybe?"

"Sweet Mary and Joseph! Smith, you've got to see this!" bellowed McCoy.

"Maybe more," said Penny wincing and backing her way to the door.

"Wonderful," muttered Smith.

* * * In Uhura's quarters * * *

"Such a good boy," Uhura cooed as she tried to be as seductive as she could with her tongue, but mini-major refused to react. "Time's up Major. Seems you earned your reward, as well have I." The Major watched as she stood above him. "You're about to see what no other male on this ship has," she said, removing the bodice and showing him her full glory. "Now is the time for your little subby to awaken, if you know what's good for you, sub."