Stoned

No. No. I would not even think that. This was a simple negotiation. It was not about hurting little girls. It couldn't be. I didn't live in that world. I didn't live in a world where adults hurt little girls to make a point or to advance their business dealings. That was not my world. I don't care if I flew on chartered flights, drove around in a Bugatti and lived in a fancy apartment...that was not my world.

Oh my God, I couldn't sit here. I couldn't sit still and just turn into a vegetable. I had to be sane when my baby girl came home. So...I had to do something. I emptied the grocery bags, but the potatoes on to bake, seasoned the steaks, made the salad...and then I started cleaning. I didn't care that we now had a cleaning lady and everything was pretty much spotless, I cleaned, and I cleaned, and I cleaned...

I answered the pounding on the door some time later. Anna was there, dressed in jeans, a silk (or silk looking) tee, three-inch-heel leather boots...and a shoulder holster with a large sliver gun in it. The gun threw me, but I still relaxed by a fraction of an inch when she hugged me tightly.

"Anna, what's going on? Where's Vince? What is she doing to get them back?"

She stepped inside and closed the door, glancing around at the chaos of the living room. I had moved furniture to clean. Everything was a mess. So she sat me on a stool at the island in the kitchen instead.

"I went to pick the girls up and they weren't there. So I thought I had the day wrong and Vince had them."

I smiled a little, realizing we'd had the same thought.
"But she didn't have them. I asked Ms. Kemp and she said someone claiming to be Panda's uncle picked them up at lunchtime, promised he would have them back in time for class. When they didn't return, she just assumed he'd taken them home."

I could feel my blood simmering. How could she let a stranger take the girls? What was the point of listing who could pick them up from school if anyone could just walk in and take them? I knew I would be in the Principal's office when this was all over.

"Anyway...we know who has them." She was talking slowly now, trying not to excite me. "Vince and her uncle are taking care of it."

"Taking care of it?" I whispered the question...Vince, who hadn't called and was not the one standing here explaining things to me, was taking care of it? And an uncle I'd never met? Really?

"Anna, when am I getting my daughter back?" I asked quietly.

"Vince says probably tomorrow...they are setting up a meeting now. They sent proof of life, the girls are just fine Gia."
Proof of life...proof of life...they'd sent proof of life...there was a phrase I would have been perfectly happy to never hear in my entire life.

I stood to check on the potatoes.

"I'm making baked potatoes and steaks...the store had a really good deal on the steaks. Do you think Johnny will join us? I got him a t-bone."

I didn't turn to look, but I'm sure Anna thought I was losing it, talking about potatoes and steaks...what was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? My baby girl was not coming home tonight. My baby girl was not coming home tonight. My baby girl...

"Gia," Anna started.

"Why do you have a gun?" I blurted.

Anna sighed, closing her eyes for a second. "Vince hired me to protect Keni. I'm not a damn babysitter. I always carry a gun, but it's usually smaller and in an ankle holster. I grabbed this one from my car when I found out the girls were missing."

I stared at her. She was my babysitter...and my friend. And she'd been lying all this time?

"And you and Johnny? Is that a lie too?"

She shook her head, "no. Not that Vince is happy about it."

"And Johnny hanging out with us all the time now?"

"He's assigned to you."

After checking the potatoes, I went back to cleaning, not saying another word for a while.

"If you're assigned to the girls, why would Ms. Kemp let anyone else pick them up?" I asked as I moved one of the sofas back into place.

"Well, Vince had someone do a little digging. Ms. Kemp deposited $5,000 into her account yesterday."

I stared at her again for a moment again. Someone bribed my daughter's teacher so they could kidnap her? Great. Fantastic. Wonderful.

"Don't worry, she won't be teaching there by the time we get Keni back. She probably won't be able to walk..."

By the time we get Keni back...by the time we get Keni back...Jesus.

I kept cleaning. Had to keep cleaning, had to keep moving...lemon Pledge wipes never smelled so good...

And I was doing okay, for about two hours, as the potatoes burned and I cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned...

And then I just sat on the floor and fell apart.

*

Vince forced herself to breathe regularly...calmly...in...out...in...out... She could not believe this was happening...She wanted to fucking kill them...She wanted to fucking gut them. Vinny said that wasn't a good idea. Fuck good ideas. They'd taken Panda...and Keni. Keni. Jesus Christ. Georgia would never forgive her. It would be a miracle if Georgia ever spoke to her again. Fuck.

*

I was supposed to be the new Head Cashier today. Instead, I was curled up in my bed, having cried all night. My hair was a matted mess, I'd slept in my clothes, my stomach was tight and still ejected anything I tried to put in it...I had huge bags under my eyes from crying and lack of sleep...Anna was sitting in bed with me. She'd stayed. Periodically she'd take a call. She kept the television on...background noise to soothe me I assumed. Neither of us watched it. She was careful to avoid any shows the might remind me of Keni.

I missed my baby. I'd never spent a night without her. I hadn't heard her voice in almost 24 hours...

I was scared for her. How were they treating her? Had she eaten? Was she and Panda okay? Were they scared? Were they sitting in some dingy little dark room, with a stained mattress, and roaches, spiders and rats crawling all over them?

Okay, maybe I watched a little too much television...I hoped.

How much longer? How much longer did I have to wait? I didn't think I would make it...

Anna's phone rang. I turned to her, not expecting much considering her phone had been ringing all night with no news.

But I saw her shoulders relax a fraction of an inch and the tension around her mouth ease just a bit and I hoped...

When she disconnected the call, she smiled a little, "they'll be here in 20 minutes. You might want to take a shower."
"Who will be here? Who?" I asked, my heart racing.

"They have the girls, Gia."

I leapt from the bed and dashed into the bathroom. I couldn't let Keni see me like this. Quick shower, change of clothes, a little make-up to cover up the damage of staying up all night...

"Did they feed them? Should I make breakfast?"

I yelled out to Anna, not sure where she was in the apartment.

"I'm on it!" She called back.

It had only taken me 15 minutes to shower and change...and now I had to wait. I tried to help Anna in the kitchen, but she made me sit and try to drink a cup of hot tea. She wanted me to settle...but that was not going to happen until I held my child in my arms.

Five more minutes...five more minutes...but I could hear them. Voices, coming down the hall, little feet running...I was at the door seconds later. I wrenched it open and snatched up my little girl, holding her, squeezing her, breathing her in...trying not to cry...trying not to lose it.

She was real, she was in my arms, she was safe...my baby...my heart was racing, my entire body trembling...but she was here now. She was with me...she was safe.

I knelt, not releasing her, pulling Panda into my arms also, holding both girls as they cried, as they hugged me tight with their tiny little arms...and finally I looked up to see who had brought them to me. Johnny.

Not Vince.

I filed that away for later. For now, I wiped tears from my eyes and shuffled the girls inside.

Then I knelt and hugged them to me again, promising myself I would not lose it...

Jesus.

*

The girls ate, but I could see they were exhausted. So I put them to bed, calling the school to let them know the girls were home but wouldn't be in today or tomorrow. It was already Thursday, so they would just have a long weekend. I also called Dave, who totally understood...and admitted he'd already received a call from Vince's people. My job would be there, promotion and all, when I returned next week.

I stayed with the girls until they fell asleep. And then I made my way to the living room to stare at Anna and Johnny. Both wore guns in shoulder holsters now. I guess the pretense was no longer needed.

"Tell me what happened," I demanded.

They both hesitated and I raised a brow. Finally, Johnny spoke.

"They snatched the girls to make a point. Had them in a hotel room. They weren't hurt. Vince and her uncle conceded more territory. It's settled for now."

"For now?" I repeated.

He nodded, "it won't keep them happy forever, but for now it's all good."
I stared at him, "and what happens next time? They send her finger to Vince for good measure?"

Johnny frowned, "Gia, they won't take the girls again. They know we'll watch them more carefully."

"So me next time? Anna? Who? How will they make their point next time?"
He shook his head, "Vince and her uncle will take care of it."

"Like they took care of it this time? Anything could have happened Johnny. Anything."

I was done talking. I turned and made my way to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I was...livid. I'd passed fear and elation and was now simmering on rage. For now? Next time? No. There would be no next time. Not for me and not for Keni.

And where the fuck was Vince?

*

I slept. I was surprised I'd managed it, but I had. For nearly three hours. But then I dreamt...and fear and horror woke me and had me running to my daughter's bedroom. She was still asleep, her and Panda, their little heads beside one another...they were in Keni's canopy bed and they were okay...for now. Until next time?

I closed the door quietly, turned...and encountered a pair of sky blue eyes that...that...hours ago would have soothed me. Hours ago they would have comforted me. Hours ago I needed them, desperately...

But not now.

Not now.

I ignored her, heading for the kitchen, pouring myself some orange juice. I drank it down, needing the sugar. Then I rinsed the glass and put it in the dishwasher.

"Where's Anna?" I asked, my voice thick with sleep.

"Went home to sleep," that deep voice answered, calm...waiting for the storm.

But there would be no storm. I needed to restore balance to my life for Keni. I needed to protect her, keep her safe. I could not trust that job to anyone else. Even armed bodyguards who'd lied to my face every day.

"Why did you lie about Anna?" I asked.

I was still in the kitchen, she was sitting in the living room...I didn't want to face her. Didn't want to see those eyes...those lips...it would be easier this way.

"Would you have dated me if I told you Keni would need an armed escort?" She asked evenly.

I didn't bother to answer. Of course I wouldn't have. Just the suggestion that Keni would need someone around her with a gun would have been enough for me to end things with Vince. And just because Vince did it anyway didn't make it okay. She, again, had made decisions without consulting me. Affected my child's life without my input. I was tired of it.

"I'm done Vince."

Three words. I managed to choke them out. They didn't sound nasty, angry or hysterical. They just sounded like a fact. I. Was. Done. I could not do this. I could not be shrouded in secrecy, dashed off to hotels late at night, have barbarians snatch my daughter from school and terrify her. I couldn't do this.

"If you want me to move out—"

But I didn't finish. I hadn't heard her approach me...wasn't prepared for the large arms that encircled my waist from behind, pulling me close to the warmth of her body...hated my body for responding...for making this more difficult...

"I can't do this....I can't," I whispered, praying for her to understand...to let me do this.

"Shhh...it's okay."

That deep rumble...I felt it go through me...God, where had she been? Why hadn't she come to see me yesterday when I was going out of my mind and just her holding me would have set me straight? Just this, right here, would have given me strength. But she hadn't come to me. She hadn't called. She hadn't texted. Nothing. I hadn't heard from her. Just Anna and Johnny...like I wasn't important enough for her to take a moment...just a moment...just to give me this.

I stepped away from her, moving away from that warmth...that strength.

"I'm done Vince."

I didn't care that I could do no more than whisper the words, that my heart was hammering in my chest...that my heart may have been breaking. I turned, left the kitchen, and closed my bedroom door behind me, that wall solid and real between us now. I sat on the bed, hoping she would not come in, hoping she would just...

I heard the apartment door open and close moments later.

*

Johnny glanced in the rear view mirror, wincing at the look on his boss's face.

"Just give her some time Vince. She'll come around."

Vince glanced out of the window...and didn't say a word.

***

SIX MONTHS LATER...

***

I could not believe my baby girl was halfway through the second grade already. Where had the time gone? And what did a second grader want for Christmas? Between her father's regular checks and my pay increase, I had already indulged for her birthday. Movies, a mini shopping spree, and a sleep over for her and her three friends...

And now it was time to think about Christmas. God, had it already been a year since...?

No. No. I wouldn't think about Christmas Clubs, loan sharks, stolen money...I didn't think about that anymore...and I wouldn't think about her.

It was early December. I would have Keni make a list. Someone in class had already dispelled the myth of Santa, so she knew I would be buying her gifts. She'd been so careful since the abduction. Watching me. Not asking for much. Quieter. More reserved. I kept thinking I needed to have her see someone...but then I would convince myself I was overreacting. I'd barely let her out of my sight for the first two weeks after the incident. But I couldn't keep that up. And Anna had insisted on staying in our lives. Even when I told her, and Johnny, to go to hell. They'd ignored me until they wore me down. And now Anna went to the school during lunch everyday. And it was clear to everyone that only she and I could pick up Keni. She and I and...if there was one other person, and if that one person also spent time with my baby girl during lunch, I didn't want to know about it.

She hadn't fought to stay in my life. She hadn't insisted. I hadn't heard from her in six months. Since I'd told her I was done. Johnny had been right. If she thought I was serious, she wouldn't force it. And she hadn't. She'd just...

But I knew she was still around. Because Keni let it slip sometimes. And when she did, she flushed, her cheeks turning red, and she stopped talking immediately. Secretive. My baby girl was now keeping secrets. Yet another change she had brought into my life. But I didn't comment when Keni slipped. I just went on like I hadn't heard. Like I said before, I didn't want to know. Not about that...not about her.

And here I was thinking about her again.

Johnny was also still a steady figure in our lives. Mostly to keep an eye on me I assumed, but he and Anna were also hot and heavy. Being around them, watching their relationship grow and blossom into something beautiful...I wanted to barf. I knew it was petty, but I didn't care.

Not surprisingly, I was a great head cashier. We had fewer arguments among the staff, less turnover and higher satisfaction ratings. The courses Dave had insisted I take had been fantastic. They made me think about getting an Associate's degree in management. Why not, I was a natural, or so Dave kept saying.

I was not incredibly surprised I was good at the job, or at least not as surprised as Dave. I was fair, principled, and organized. I listened when people had problems, I worked around those problems, and I treated them like human beings...like I'd wanted to be treated. I put myself in their place, remembering how it felt when Cheryl or Louise thought I was making excuses. I didn't make assumptions, even if they might have been true sometimes (especially with the college students). No matter what, I listened and then tried to problem solve accordingly.

As for my personal life...I'd stayed in the apartment, not wanting to force another change on Keni. But there were no more extravagant gifts (besides her birthday party), no more trips to Chicago, no more chartered flights, no more platinum necklaces (yea, it really was platinum and worth enough that my child could put a hefty down payment on a car in the future if she sold it). Life went back to normal. I told Anna I could pay her, but she wouldn't accept a dime from me. So, like I said, I knew she was still around. I just didn't want anything to do with her. Or at least I kept telling myself that. But there were times...when I thought about her hands on me...the taste of her...the feel of those full, soft lips against mine, gently tasting, gently teasing...

And then I would think about that night when my baby girl didn't come home...and that would usually end those thoughts pretty quickly.

I didn't hate her...and I was no longer furious. But the pain was still there. And the questions. Why hadn't she called me on that awful day? Why hadn't she come to me while I waited? Why hadn't I been able to lean on her when I so desperately needed to lean on someone? And what kind of person didn't see that? Didn't understand that I would need her? Especially then? And did I want to be with someone so...clueless? So blind to my needs and my feelings?

No, I did not.

*

"There's a spill on aisle four," Dave told me.

I nodded, thinking about who could clean it up...deciding to do it myself. Everyone else was busy, I was the floater today.

I grabbed the huge mop and bucket we kept at the ready for such things and made my way to aisle four. Someone had dropped a jar of maraschino cherries and left it. Why hadn't they just reported it? Someone could have slipped and hurt themselves. I sighed, was it really that surprising that no one had reported it? Perhaps they thought they would have to pay for it? Who knew?

I used some paper towels to clean up the cherries and most of the glass and then set about mopping up the mess. It was then I heard a flurry of activity at the front of the store. I finished the task and then made my way up to the front.

"What's going on?" I asked Dave.

"Cops. And a dog."

I raised a brow? A dog in the store? What the hell? "What are they doing?"

"Said they got a tip. They're searching our lockers in the break room."

I didn't like the sound of that. At all. Searching our lockers for what?

We all stood, watching, waiting, even the customers...until they emerged from the break room carrying three clear bags of what looked like small slivers of broken glass.

"Ms. Georgia Adams?"

Okay, I should have known, but I still felt the shock of hearing my name go through me. I stepped forward.

"Yes?"

"You need to come with us."

I blinked...huh? Were they serious?