Stoned

I melted against her...and found sleep.

***

No!

The scream woke me up. That wasn't unusual. And, as had been happening for the past few weeks, my 'no' came to late. I'd been dreaming...about that night...about that man...but now that gun went off and I saw her head blown apart, her blood everywhere...this is the image that greeted me almost every night as I tried to sleep.

I felt Vince's arm pull me closer, her breath warm against my ear.

"Breathe, baby," she whispered.

I responded to that deep, sexy voice, pulling in deep breaths, letting them out slowly, trying to slow down my pulse. The dreams weren't going away. I had them almost every night. Anna had mentioned PTSD, had suggested I see someone...I was edgy, I'd lost weight...I wasn't handling this well at all. And the thing that made me most angry? Keni could see it. She could see my stress, the dark circles under my eyes, the clothes hanging off my frame...she'd made a few comments about it already. I know she was worried and I was trying...I was trying.

"Good baby. Good. Start at the top."

I swallowed, "alpha, beta, gamma, delta..."

I said the Greek alphabet. She'd taught it to me and now I recited it, over and over again, until I settled. This time, it took me almost five times before I was feeling calm enough to sip at the bottle of water she kept beside the bed for me.

Minutes later, I felt her hand on my back, rubbing gently...and I fell asleep feeling protected, feeling loved...feeling safe.

A few hours later, as I slept, I felt that hand leave me...and I felt her go.

*

No one had any complaints about my work...but I was a different person. I didn't smile as often, I didn't laugh much anymore...I wasn't the Gia people had come to know. I still did my job...efficiently...effectively...but something was gone...I was on empty.

How could I explain it? Oh, I witnessed a murder and something snapped inside of me and I have yet to figure out how to get it back? I mean...not your typical conversation in the break room.

Besides, what did it matter? The people at that family owned grocery store were not my family. My blood relatives didn't really care. It was not Keni's job to fix me...it was my job to care about her. Anna and Johnny cared, but even they didn't know how to fix what was broken.

Vince knew. She knew what I needed. She made sure I ate. She helped me when the nightmares came...Vince was all that mattered right now.

These were my thoughts as I made my way past Izzy with barely a glance in his direction, barely a wave. I rode the elevator without looking at my reflection in the mirrored walls. I didn't need to look to know my hair was dull and flat, my face drawn, my body thinner, unhealthy...I already knew all that. Again, what did it matter? What did any of it matter?

I slid the key into the lock and opened my apartment door...and I felt my heart drop into my stomach. They all turned to look at me...Anna, Johnny...Vinny. But the one person I was looking for, the one person I needed to see, the same way I needed to take a breath, was missing. I collapsed into the nearest chair, my purse falling to the floor. I closed my eyes, realizing the sense that she'd left early this morning had been real...I hadn't imagined it.

"Keni?" I asked.
"She and Panda are watching a movie in her bedroom," Anna offered.

I nodded, forcing my eyes to open, taking them all in.

"When did she leave?"

"First thing this morning."

Since Vinny answered, my eyes focused on him.

"What's going on? Where is she?"
He hesitated for a moment and I wondered if he was going to give me a song and dance...I hoped not. I wasn't in the mood.

"Those Jamaicans she took care of?" He started.

I nodded.

"They worked for a guy named Tommy Slack. Very big in Jamaica," Vinny continued. "Has his hands in everything. Lots of illicit trade in the States."

I waited, knowing there was more.

"Now, it's not normal for a guy like that to worry about a crew getting dead. Typically they just send another crew. But...well, we didn't know that Tommy had sent his youngest boy to get some experience with that crew."

I closed my eyes...Jesus. Vince had killed this guy's son? No wonder this guy was after her. When Vinny didn't continue, I focused on him again.

"So where's Vince? Staying out of sight until you negotiate with this Tommy person?"

Vinny sighed and my stomach tightened. I wasn't going to like what I was about to hear.

"Vince is in Jamaica. She went to deal with Tommy."

I let that sink in for a moment..."deal with Tommy how?" I asked carefully.

Vinny didn't seem like he wanted to answer, so Johnny jumped in.

"The same way she dealt with the Jamaicans."

And there was the feeling of dread that had followed me around all day. It'd started when I felt Vince leave me that morning. I took another moment before standing. I couldn't deal with this right now.

"I need to see my daughter. And then I need to get some rest."

It was the politest dismissal I could muster. It worked. They started gathering their things and heading toward the door. Anna stayed back, her eyes worried, focused on me.

"You'll call me if you need to, right?" She asked with concern.

I nodded, following her to the door.

"Of course," I promised...but then I grabbed her hand, staying her. "Is Vince...is she going to be...?"

I didn't know what I wanted or needed to ask, so I just let the question hang.

Anna squeezed my hand back, "Vince'll be okay. Try to get some sleep."

And she closed the door behind her. I took a deep breath...another. I locked the door, made my way to the kitchen and poured myself two shots of vodka, downing them quickly before making my way to my baby girl's bedroom.

*

Later that evening, I lie in my bed, sleep eluding me, as usual. I wasn't sure how I would sleep without Vince. She'd been keeping things together for me...she was my rock. I sighed, glancing out of the dark window again. I was pissed that she'd left without telling me. And yet...I would have asked her not to go. I know I would have. For myself...for Keni and Panda...but, mostly for myself.

I was surprised to hear soft footsteps outside my bedroom door, followed by a light knock. I hurried to answer the door, surprised to see my baby girl standing there, looking unsure. I knelt down, taking both her hands in mine.

"What's wrong baby? You okay?"

She hesitated, then those beautiful, big brown eyes looked directly into mine and I saw that my baby was...worried.

"You have nightmares," she whispered.

I didn't know what to say to that...I hadn't realized she knew. I squeezed her hands in response, saying nothing.

"I hear you...screaming...crying sometimes...I—" she swallowed, "but Vince was with you. She was always here with you."

I watched as she swallowed again, forcing the tears that had gathered in my eyes not to fall.

"I'll be okay baby," I assured her.

She nodded, but she didn't move. "Do you want me to sleep with you?" She asked softly.

And I could feel my breath catch in my chest, the tears rolling down my cheeks as I pulled her to me, holding her tight.

"I'll be okay, baby. I promise." I forced the words from my lips, hoping I wasn't lying to her. God, I had to get it together...if not for myself, then for her. I could do this...I had to.

*

I didn't sleep much that night...or the night after...or the night after that. Very little sleep meant no nightmares, which was good...but it also meant very little sleep. Eventually I had to give in and take one of the prescription sleeping pills Vince had insisted I get quite some time ago. I only took half of the pill, paranoid about becoming dependent. But also worried about nightmares...and about worrying Keni more than she was already worried. The pill seemed to help and I managed to start sleeping a few hours each night.

Days turned into weeks...weeks into a month...then two months...and there was still no word from Vince. I had no idea how long it took to murder someone, but evidently, according to Anna, Vince would be fine and I just needed to be patient. I shook my head, not wanting to think about it.

I was managing to stay afloat at work while being 'present' for Keni and Panda (who seemed to spend more time with us now than she did with her own family). I was able to sleep without the pills...most nights. And I was feeling more...normal? I guess that's the word. Not alive, not hopeful about the future, just...normal. It was on one of these evenings, after I'd worked a long shift, that Anna stopped by. I hadn't seen her or Johnny in quite some time, so it was a pleasant surprise.

She helped me get the girls settled and then sat with me in the living room, drinking wine.

"So, what brings you by?" I finally asked, knowing, for some reason this was not just a friendly visit.

She sighed, placing her glass on the coffee table.

"We're moving to Chicago. Me and Johnny. Vinny's orders."

I nodded, ignoring the tension that settled in the pit of my stomach. They were my only true friends, or they had been, and now they were leaving? Just great.

"And, uh..."

I could see she was struggling so I tried to brace myself.

"He, uh...he doesn't want you living here anymore."

I closed my eyes...well, there was the bomb I was waiting for her to drop.

"He thinks Vince is dead and blames me," I said. It wasn't a question. She didn't deny it. Vince's uncle was an overbearing, overprotective jerk when it came to Vince...it was no surprise he would not be happy with the person who felt caused her death...if she was dead.

"We keep telling him that Vince would have wanted you here, that she promised you...but he doesn't give a shit."

I nodded again, sighing.

"It doesn't matter, I'll just try to get my old place back."

When she didn't comment, I looked over at her, seeing the strain on her face. I sighed again. I'd forgotten. Vinny pretty much owned this entire neighborhood. She was here to tell me I was no longer welcome.

"He'll let me stay for another few weeks, right? Until school ends?"

She nodded and I swallowed, a little relieved, wondering what I was going to do and where I was going next. I had a little money set aside, so I could afford to move. And Michael had been sending monthly payments religiously, which would hold us over until I could find a new job. God...I would have to give up my job. Keni would have to leave the neighborhood she'd lived in her entire life...and we'd lose Panda. I swallowed, wondering how my little girl would manage...

"So, I understand Panda stay's here most of the time now?" Anna asked, as if she didn't know the answer.

"It's fine. Keni loves having her around. She's no problem. I don't know how the girls are going to deal with being separated."

Anna nodded, "well...I saw her mother not to long ago and considering Panda's the youngest...well...she was just relieved someone was helping her out. She might, uh...she might be okay with Panda staying with you for a while."

I looked at her, my surprise showing. "Really? I mean...that's not a problem. That would be great...it's just..."

I couldn't finish the thought. What kind of mother would let her child go off to live with someone else like that? I couldn't even imagine my life without Keni...

"She's just...it's just temporary. I mean, maybe for a few months...a year at most? Just until...I mean...she just needs a break." Anna tried to explain.

I wasn't able to comment so I didn't. Anna reached for her wine glass, finishing it and then standing.

"So he sent you here to kick me out? That's it. No word about Vince? Nothing?"

Anna sighed, "Tommy Slack is dead. We heard a few days ago."

My heart tripped, "but...n-nothing from Vince? Did you guys check the hospitals—"

"There's nothing, Gia. No word. Just...nothing."

I stared at her, my mind and my heart trying to understand, trying to catch up...if there was nothing, no word, then Vince was probably...Jesus. No wonder Vinny was pissed with me. His favorite niece might be dead and he thought it was my fault. I mean...sheesh.

Anna took my hand and squeezed it, forcing me to meet her eyes.

"It's going to be okay, Gia. I promise. Just...hang in there, okay?"

I nodded to make her feel better, but...I wasn't sure it would be okay. I mean...I didn't feel like she was dead. I just didn't...wouldn't I feel it? I loved her. She was a part of me. Wouldn't I know if she was no longer on this earth? I closed my eyes tight for a moment, squeezing Anna's hand in return.

"We'll be okay," I assured her.

"My house in Coney Island will be just sitting there once I move to Chicago. Stay there until you figure out what you want to do next."

I smiled, "you don't have to—"

"No, I want to. I would have to hire someone to keep an eye on it anyway. It's not the best neighborhood in the world anymore. And the house is not huge, it's a starter house, only two bedrooms. Put your stuff in storage and just hang there for now, okay?"

I smiled, "I'll think about it, okay? Thanks."

She hugged me and I walked her to the door, hugging her again tightly before closing and locking the door behind her. Things were about the change radically for my little family...the three of us. A new neighborhood, new school... It was weird. I hadn't planned a life without Vince. Hadn't really thought about one that didn't included her for quite some time...the one staring back at me now seemed a little lonely...and a little sad.

***

ONE YEAR LATER...

***

We'd moved into Anna's cute little house...and things were fine. The local school wasn't great, but neither was the one in our old neighborhood. Dave gave me a glowing recommendation and I was able to find a job as a cashier at a local chain supermarket. The hours weren't great, but the pay was okay. Keni didn't seem to have a huge problem adjusting, mostly, I believe, because of Panda. Panda seemed happy to be staying with us. At first she put a real cramp in my budget because she needed pretty much everything, clothes, her own toys, a bed...but then a rather large sum of money appeared in my bank account. I checked with the bank, thinking it was an error, but they assured me it wasn't. I then check with Anna to find out if she knew anything about it. She didn't really answer the question, but I got the impression it was compensation for keeping Panda. I wasn't sure who could afford to give me that type of money, but I wouldn't lie about it coming in handy. I could afford an after school sitter now, and the girls were able to decorate their room to their heart's content. This made the move, and their new life, just a little easier. And now another school year was almost over...

I'd decided, without any real proof of her death, that I didn't believe Vince was dead. I mean...Vinny could assume she was dead if he wanted to, but I didn't have to agree, right? She could have been injured and was still recuperating. She might have amnesia. Stranger things have happened. And...it just didn't feel like she was gone. I wasn't depressed or sad...I didn't feel like I would never see her again. Even though it had been more than a year...I just...I was probably in denial. But for now, I needed to cling to that denial. I wasn't willing to let her go...not yet.

*

Although I spoke with Anna somewhat regularly, a visit from her was pretty rare. And I now no longer believed her visits were just neutral, friendly visits. So when she showed up late one morning, after the girls had left for school, I didn't assume she just missed me.

I poured her a glass of orange juice, caught her up on all that was Keni and Panda...and then I just waited. She finished her juice before she shared.

"He found out you were living here...asked me not to put you up."

I closed my eyes, sighing. Another change? After the girls were settled? Damn him.

"I didn't kill her Anna. It's not my fault. We're not even sure she's dead," I snapped.

"I know...he's just...I'm sorry."

We sat in silence for a moment before Anna stood.

"I need to head back," she sighed, slipping into her jacket. "I have a friend in Real Estate. She'll help you find a reasonable place. She's gonna stop by tomorrow after the kids leave, okay? She's good people."

I nodded, but didn't say anything else to make Anna feel better. Although it was his decree, she was the one actually putting me out. She could have told him no, but she hadn't. And now we had to start all over again. I didn't even want to think about packing again.

"It'll be okay," Anna offered as she stepped through the door.

I was pissed but I hugged her anyway, "it will have to be."

*

I was off the next day, so I had time to straighten up before Anna's Real Estate person showed. I wasn't worried about the cost of moving. I still had quite a bit of that large sum that had appeared in my bank account about a year ago. But finding a place, packing, the girls starting over in another new school, having to find yet another job...the tasks laid out before me were more than just daunting. But I didn't have a choice, so I would just take it a step at a time. I hadn't even told the girls yet...

At the sound of the doorbell, I wiped my damp hands on my jeans and made my way to the door, taking a deep breath as I started this next adventure. I yanked the door open, a smiled plastered to my face...and my heart stopped. It literally stopped.

I'd known, hadn't I? I mean, I think I'd always known...

She wasn't dead.

The smile that slowly appeared on my lips as those beautiful blue eyes took me in...it had to be the first genuine smile I'd offered in almost a year. Anna. The thought occurred to me. She'd set this up...she'd known she was alive...

I was in her arms a moment later, breathing deeply, easily, for the first time in forever. God, she felt good. Warm, hard...familiar. She wasn't dead. The words kept going around and around in my head.

Vince walked me inside, kicking the door closed behind us, holding me close. I could feel the rapid beat of her heart...it sounded just like mine. I felt her inhale

deeply, bringing me even closer.

"God, I missed you."

And that deep, raspy voice brought the tears to my eyes I was trying to hold back. She was really here. She wasn't dead.

"I knew it," I whispered into the warmth of her neck, "I knew you weren't dead. I knew it."

She chuckled, "yea, I heard."

I sighed, not caring that she teased me, afraid to let her go, afraid I was dreaming...

"What took you so long," I demanded softly.

She moved back an inch or two, but didn't let me go, those eyes watching me carefully, her fingers gently wiping away my tears, "realized I needed to make some changes if I wanted to raise our girls with you. Couldn't keep working for my uncle, putting all of you through that over and over again...couldn't just walk away."

And then I got it. After all this time. She'd stayed away just long enough to get away from her uncle. He wouldn't just accept a letter of resignation from her...she'd had to do something pretty drastic. Never returning from Jamaica...it was smart. His tentacles didn't reach as far as Jamaica. He wouldn't really know what had happened to her...and he'd assumed the worst.

And I also "got" some other things...like the hundred thousand that had suddenly appeared in my bank account about a year ago. And Panda.

"You arranged for Panda to stay with us, didn't you?" I asked, already knowing the answer considering she'd mentioned raising our 'girls.'

"Her mother is overwhelmed, Panda wasn't doing well there...you knew that. I just offered her a financial incentive to let Panda go," Vince confirmed.