by Trimpostinger
So fucking good that I shot twice while on the last page. Keep up the good work!
You've got the makings for a good story but you screwed up with typos (or ignorance?), lousy grammar, and awful proofreading. Why?
I enjoyed the personalities and the poker game that brought them out. Good job.
It could have been tightened up by about a third. It's a common fault with writers who know they're good: they fall in love with themselves and think that the more clever turns of phrase they get on the page, the better their piece will be. The truth is that good writers often need an editor as much as bad ones.
Perhaps too familar, but there was plenty of detail to give it a little weight. Kelly and Alice also switched into "hot for cock" mood a mite abruptly - especially Alice, who was quite shy in the earlier pages.
I very seldom take the time to read a 3 page story, but this was wonderful. nice detail, yet not so much that there is no room ofr imagination! Keep up the great work, and you will keep me up too!!
Awesome story. The build up was intense. A sequel would be great!
loved the build up and the finale was hot!!!!! any chance of a part 2?