All Comments on 'Sundress in the Dark'

Intriguing and unusual in a good way.

Congratulations on your first submission. The site needs more female authors, and especially ones who can write competently and creatively as you have here. You say that you would appreciate some feedback.

You have submitted this in Erotic Couplings and, indeed, the eroticism is well done considering the absence of dialogue and the focus on physical descriptions with little emotional involvement. I thought it would have been better with some dialogue and inner thoughts on the part of the narrator.

But:

(There's always a 'But.)

Second person narration is almost impossible to do successfully in stories like this. There has been an on-going discussion in the commentaries in the Loving Wives category where it is met with much disdain. The LW commentariat is much more critical and involved than commenters in other categories.

Second person narration works well where the story is presented as a letter or message to another character. But it can normally only be past tense saying what we did and how I felt about it, or future tense saying what we plan to do and how I am looking forward to it. It obviously can't be present tense if it's a letter.

If it is addressed to the reader as 'you', it automatically invokes a "No you don't" thought from at least half the readership when you write things like "I lick your balls slowly". I don't possess testes.

To write second person successfully requires a well constructed lead in, explaining how it comes about that the reader is looking in on this communication from one character to another. It's not easy to make a success of it.

I hope that's helpful.

Lue