Surefoot 50: Small Mercies

She swallowed, sheathing her sword and running her forearm across her sweat-beaded forehead. "I'm still on Ajax Time, I couldn't sleep-"

"I'm referring to the carnage I just witnessed!"

She breathed in through her nose, her nostrils flaring, and smiled. "Therapy."

"Therapy? Who prescribes therapy like that, Klingons?"

She shook her head. "Kami. As you might have heard, I had a run-in with the Ferasans. They, uh, did a number on me." She indicated the scars and claw marks on her head. "Kami prescribed this as a way to help me deal with what happened. Face your fears, and all that."

Neheru grunted, sort of understanding, having dealt with fear for most of his life. "Yes, well, I'm certain she never intended you to risk injury by removing the Holodeck Safety Locks."

"No," she admitted, securing her scabbard around her shoulder. "But when I first tried this, with the Safety Locks on, knowing I really couldn't be hurt by them, I couldn't get totally immersed in it."

"Nevertheless, I can't allow you to risk yourself like that."

Then her expression hardened. "Lieutenant, I'm not one of your cadets anymore, I'm an adult, I can do what I want in my free time. I'm a Second Officer, the same position as you!"

The Kelpien reared up; if he still had his threat tendrils, they would be active now, a reaction he never expected to get from the Captain's daughter. But he was no longer so easily intimidated. "At the moment, Lieutenant, I'm First Officer of the Surefoot. The safety of those onboard, cadets or not, is my responsibility. But if you wish to raise a protest, we can get this settled now through Captain Hrelle-"

"No!" She held up a hand, breathing out and calming down. "Neheru, I'm- I'm sorry." She looked around, as if the stark yellow and black grid patterns on the walls, floor and ceiling offered answers. "I'm not... I'm not the same person I was just a few months ago. I'm trying to find myself. And... it's not easy."

He nodded at that, empathising with that feeling all too well. "And it's a task few others can help us with. But should you wish to talk in confidence... preferably at a more reasonable time than 0410 Hours-"

As if in punctuation, she made a huge yawn, barely covered with her mouth, laughing at herself. "I see what you mean. Thanks for the offer." She moved to the exit, stopping and adding, "Can we just keep this between us? I don't want Papa Cat fretting."

"Yes... if you go get those injuries fixed in Sickbay. And then let me know how you bypassed my Safety Locks. I don't want some other genius cadet pulling the same trick."

*

One of the remaining Ferasans clamped his mouth onto her left bicep and sank his fangs into her muscle. Agony shot through her, Sasha responding with driving her thumb into one of his eye sockets. The Ferasan released his mouth to scream, letting her pound the Pummel into him, shattering fangs. She couldn't last- she had to get to the Security station-

The last Ferasan leapt onto her from behind, trying to grasp her by the hair again, succeeding in clamping onto the side of her head, his claws digging into her skin-

She reached the station, releasing the locks-

White-hot pain suffused her as the Ferasan claws dug into her scalp...and ripped backwards-

Sasha screamed and swung her arms out, fighting to free herself as she moved to her side, falling out of bed and banging her head against the bedside table. She lay there, gasping, trembling, the roars still in her brain-

No, not roars, a buzzing, from an intercom. She collected herself enough to respond, "W-What?"

Kami's voice filled the air. "Sasha, it's 0900. Is there a problem?"

Sasha rubbed her eyes. 0900 already? It was like she'd barely slept! "Sorry, Kam, forgot to set an alarm. Be right there. Sasha out." She fought back the pain in her head to slither out of the bedsheets like they were a shed snakeskin, and crawled for her clothes, aware of the residual aches and pains from her workout of hours before, her visible cuts and bruises fixed with her secret medical kit.

*

"So you were beamed back to the Ajax with your wounded First Officer," Kami continued. "And ran into four Ferasans, trying to take control. What happened then?"

Sasha fidgeted in the chair facing the Counselor. "Our arrival surprised them. The Bridge was on automatic lockdown, and I tried to drop that and alert the rest of the ship. The Ferasans came after me, but the small size of our Bridge worked to my advantage... at least at first. I brought down one, and then another, and then the third. But each one had injured me in turn, with claws and fangs. The fourth one, though, managed to get a good grip on me..." She shuddered. "He got a real good grip on me."

Kami nodded sympathetically. "Tell me what he did."

Sasha stared past Kami at a Caitian mural on the wall behind her, letting her gaze drift. "His claws tore into my scalp. I lost any sense of rationality. I know by that stage that I had alerted the ship and dropped the lockdown, but the pain that filled me up at that point drove me to sink my teeth into the Ferasan's throat, just under his carotid artery. I couldn't do anything else. I ground and twisted, until hot thin blood filled my mouth, and I began choking. I passed out at that point."

Kami regarded her.

Prompting Sasha to ask, "What's wrong?"

The Counselor shifted in her seat. "What did the blood taste like?"

Sasha blinked, curling one leg under the other. "Taste?"

"Yes, taste. What did it taste like?"

"It was... sweet. Why?"

"Never mind. Later on, when you had the time and opportunity to recall this, how did it make you feel?"

Sasha was frowning slightly now. "It was... sickening. As much as I knew I did what I had to do to survive, it made me sick to my stomach. But... the more I reflect on it, the easier it's getting."

"And has it surfaced at times beyond your control? Flashbacks? Nightmares?"

Sasha shook her head. "No." She offered a slight smile. "I guess I should be grateful for small mercies, right?"

Kami paused for a moment, before continuing. "You changed your appearance immediately following the assault."

"Yes. I had a plan, to face the Pridemaster and the Ferasans. They had little regard for me, as a human and a female, so I needed to appear as intimidating as I could. Besides, there was no time to regrow the hair where I had been scalped."

"There have been plenty of time since, though."

Sasha nodded. "I guess I've grown used to the look." She flicked her head slightly, making her mohawk mane of blonde shimmy. "Don't you like it, Mama?"

"Well, it's certainly attention-getting, along with the scars, the claw marks, the tattoo. And I'm certain it intimidated the Ferasans... not to mention your friends."

Sasha blinked, grinning. "My friends? No one's said anything."

"But would they? How about Jim Madison? How has it been going between you two since recent events?"

Sasha paused. "We're... on a break. He's having difficulty handling my changes, so I gave him an Opt Out, told him I know he didn't sign up for so much drama with me, and if he didn't want to continue our relationship, we could part amicably."

"How very civilised. You say you like your new look. Do you think there are any other reasons for keeping it?"

Sasha leaned back in her chair, and in a close approximation of Kami's own voice and mannerisms, responded, "Well, what do you think?" She chuckled.

Kami didn't. "I think you've kept the look for the same reasons that your father had kept his look following his release from captivity. You remember how he looked? Missing his tail and claws, scars visible beneath his fur. He told me his scars were visible reminders that he was stronger than whatever had tried to hurt him, or kill him; they became talismans of a sort. He told me he wanted people to be reminded of the dangers out here, to shake them from their ignorance and complacency and prepare them.

But your father had other motivations. He wanted barriers up between him and others, to keep them from getting too close... and making him face certain truths. Fortunately for him, I proved to be too stubborn to be deflected-"

Sasha made a sound of incredulity, holding out her arms and smiling. "Do I sound like I'm avoiding facing truths? Here I am, talking freely and openly, dealing with my traumas and putting them aside! Haven't you noticed that much, Mama?"

"And haven't you noticed how you call me 'Mama' whenever you're trying to influence me emotionally?" Kami countered. "Tell me again about what happened to you when you returned with your First Officer to the Ajax."

Sasha's smile evaporated, and her tone hardened. "I just did."

"No you didn't. You told me an account based on your injuries and the reports raised, but not an actual first-hand account... otherwise you'd know that Ferasan blood would taste immensely bitter, not sweet. I think you know that part of passing the Counseling evaluation is to be able to recount the events of the trauma, but you've suppressed the memory of it."

"What?" Sasha's face reddened. "N-No-"

"Yes," Kami countered gently. "I've seen the neurological scans the Ajax's doctor performed on you to check for brain damage; I recognise suppression, and your attempt to fool me this morning confirms it."

"N-No-"

"It's perfectly understandable, Sasha. Memory suppression of a trauma is a wonderful coping mechanism of our brains... in the short term, allowing us to focus on more immediate concerns such as survival. But, left untreated, it will fester, and manifest in unmanageable ways: flashbacks, nightmares-"

"I told you I wasn't having any of those!" she insisted.

"Reckless behaviour." Kami leaned forward. "Like engaging in Holodeck scenarios with the Safety Locks off. Funny, I don't remember prescribing that, as you told Lt Neheru."

Sasha's face reddened. "He- He shouldn't have said anything- it wasn't anything-"

"It was his duty. He also said you had injuries on your arms and thighs."

"He's wrong!" The human drew back her sleeves, raising her forearms. "Check for yourself!"

Kami never moved. "Sasha, if we examined your belongings, would we find an unauthorised medical kit? And if Doctor Masterson ran a deep scan of you, would he find evidence of repeated misuse of said medical kit, to hide the visible traces of what amounts to self-harm?"

Sasha was trembling. She lowered her arms and said nothing.

"Thank you for not denying it, at least. Then there was what happened when you returned to the Ferasan ship, and challenged the Pridemaster to fight-"

"They had Tan- Major Ctuuri! He was kept separate from the other prisoners! I had to try and rescue him!"

"And when you discovered they had killed him-"

"They didn't just kill him!" Sasha yelled. "Those animals butchered him! Literally! They ate him! And they had his tail like it was some toy, some prize! Tan was my mentor! My friend! He was a good, decent man, a husband and father! He had already been traumatised fighting the Ferasans in the last War! His final hours must have been a nightmare for him! But he had still sacrificed himself to save our First Officer and me! He deserved justice!"

"Is that what it was? Justice? Taking off the Pridemaster's head... and then killing dozens more?"

Sasha rose to her feet, hands balled into fists. "Why the hell are you defending them? Don't you remember what they did to us years ago when they nearly killed Dad?"

Kami stayed where she was, looking up calmly. "Yes, I remember, Sasha; I remember killing one of them myself, ripping his throat out, and I remember the trauma I underwent following that act, as justified as it was. And no, I am not defending them. I'm helping you to see more clearly the events you underwent, and the motivations behind your actions, in order to help you heal. Sit down, please."

The girl stood there for a moment, before lowering herself back into the chair.

"Thank you. Sasha, you were hurt, badly-"

"I've been hurt before," Sasha declared sharply. "Hell, I've died twice!"

"Please let me finish. Yes, you have been hurt before, and arguably far worse than what happened on the Ajax. But you didn't suppress those memories like you've done with this one. And it's bleeding into your conscious world, uncontrolled. I want to use a combination of hypnosis and a delta wave inducer to help you place your mind in a more receptive state-"

"No."

Kami looked to her. "Sasha, this is necessary if you wish to heal. You took a brave step last night in admitting that you need help. Take another, and trust me. I'm here to help you."

Sasha shook her head tightly, lips pursed. "No. It's not necessary. I know what happened to me already. I've described it-"

"That's not the same, and you know it." She rose, dropping to one knee beside Sasha, taking the girl's hand in her own, her voice gentle... and the purr she was sending through their touch inaudible. "Sasha, I know this will be difficult, frightening. But you won't be alone. I'll be with you, keeping you safe-"

Sasha suddenly rose again, removing her hand and almost knocking her chair over as she stepped back. "You can't promise that. I'm not safe. No one is safe. LIFE IS NOT SAFE. We're all tested, constantly. And I survived. I'll always survive. Or I won't. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters..."

Kami returned to her feet, approaching. "Sasha-"

Sasha raised a hand to halt her. "I was attacked. I was hurt. I recovered. I fought back. I fulfilled my duty as both a Starfleet officer, and as a Kaetini. I have demonstrated an awareness of what happened to me, and my desire to move on. Just sign me off and let me return to duty."

The Counselor looked to her. "No."

Sasha dropped her hand. "Then there's no point in me being here." She started towards the door.

Kami started to say something further, but stopped herself.

*

"Why did you let her go?" Hrelle demanded, rising from behind his desk and walking around. "I'll sort her out-"

Kami stepped in front of him. "Hold it, Papa Cat. You're not going anywhere." She rested a hand on his chest. "We can't force her to want to be better. She has to accept this of her own free will. And what she has to face is far from easy. You of all people should appreciate that. Give her time to come to this conclusion herself."

Nearby Sreen, in Jhess' arms, mewled at the raised tension in the room. Jhess, standing near one of the Ready Room observation windows, bent his head down and purred to calm his charge. "She can't work to a schedule of recovery, Esek; take that from both a practitioner, and a trauma survivor." Then he looked up, his face apologetic. "Sorry, I didn't mean to butt in."

"You're family, Jhess," Hrelle assured him warmly. "And your opinion is valued here, too." He frowned, wanting to rush out and shake some sense into his daughter, so she could be herself again: happy, funny, the old Sasha...

Except that he knew she would never be the old Sasha again. Any more than he could be the old Esek Hrelle from before his captivity. It wasn't possible. "I have to beam over now to the Triton, for an Emergency Captain's Meeting with Admiral Tattok. But I'll be back as soon as I can." He hugged his wife. "Keep me informed of any progress."

"Of course."

"I have an afternoon planned in the Holodeck with Misha," Jhess announced. "Perhaps we'll invite his big sister along? She could probably use a diversion... and maybe I could have a confidential, non-professional talk with her, share some personal experiences?"

"That's a lovely idea, Jhess," Kami smiled. "And that will give me time to prepare some further therapies."

Hrelle moved to the infant in Jhess' arms, rubbing the tip if his snout against hers. "I bet you'll never give me any trouble when you grow up."

Sreen gurgled at him.

*

The dark-furred female filled the desktop screen, slate eyes wide. "Sasha? This is a surprise."

Sasha smiled at her. "Hope I'm not bothering you, Grandma-"

Ma'Sala Shall smiled. "You never bother me, Grandcub. And congratulations on your induction into the Kaetini; we are all so proud to have one in our clan! Are you on the Surefoot?"

Sasha nodded, grinning. "Sreen is adorable! And Misha acts all grumpy about helping her out, but you can tell he enjoys being a big brother! And the nanny is wonderful! Dad told me you picked him yourself-"

"Sasha," Ma'Sala interrupted. "I said you never bother me, but I remain a busy old cat. What can I do for you?"

Sasha breathed in, composing herself. "Grandma, I've been thinking... what are the chances of my getting an assignment with a ship in the Planetary Navy?"

The elderly Caitian frowned. "An assignment? You mean, a temporary exchange? That can be-"

"No, I mean a permanent transfer. A commission on one of your ships?"

"You wish to leave Starfleet? Why?"

Sasha paused. "Becoming a Kaetini is such a tremendous honour. It's made me think more about Caitian culture, and the Caitian people. As much as I can do out here with Starfleet, I think I might want to serve the Motherworld more directly. With my knowledge and experience, I think I could fit in quite well. Don't you?"

Ma'Sala regarded her for a moment before finally replying. "I think that you'd could do anything you set your mind to, Grandcub. And there'll be more than a few Captains in the Navy jockeying to have a genuine Kaetini in their crew."

"Really?"

"Of course - not to mention the chance to curry favour with the granddaughter of the Fleet Captain. We can discuss it later."

Sasha grinned. "Thanks, Grandma."

"Just as soon as Kami clears you for Active Duty."

The grin dropped. "What?"

The Caitian grunted. "I didn't just come off my Mama's teat this morning, Cub. You think I wasn't already briefed about what you're going through by my daughter?" She took on a sympathetic expression. "Sasha, you've been through the Seven Hells, more than anyone your age should have to endure. Those you killed may have been nothing more than worthless Ferasan kussiks who deserved everything they got, but it will still weigh heavily on any soul as decent as yours. You need help-"

"No."

"If you have trouble speaking with Kami about this, go to your father. You have more in common with him than you know-"

Sasha cut off the transmission.

She was trapped. Everyone was against her. They couldn't see, couldn't understand.

She was fine.

She was fine.

She was fine.

She opened a communication. "Computer: prepare a message. To: Starfleet Headquarters, Starbase 112, From: Lieutenant Sasha Eismann Hrelle, USS Ajax, Serial Number SC-191-2994. Message: With immediate effect, I am resi-"

She paused, staring at her faint reflection in the dark display. Don't do it. Don't do it, you stupid bitch, you know they're right, just do what they say-

"Do you wish to continue?" the computer prompted.

Listen to them. Kami, Grandma, Dad. They're trying to help. Don't push them away.

"Do you wish to continue?"

She leaned forward. "Save Draft. I'll come back to it later."

Her door buzzed. She ignored it. It buzzed again.

"Computer: Do Not Disturb," she ordered.

But then from behind the door came an almost-inaudible, high-pitched wail, a caterwaul that made her rise and open the door.