Surefoot 50: Small Mercies

"Oh, I am sure it was better than Good, Kitten. The power to rip the life from another is intoxicating. Better than wine, better than riches, better than sex. And you wanted more. So you killed the others."

"What? No! No, it wasn't like that! They came at me, wanting revenge-"

"You could have beamed away. But you stayed. And you slew. Many more. Because they were a threat."

"Yes."

"Because they had killed your friend, and you couldn't save him."

"Yes!"

"And because they had hurt you."

"No!"

"Yes. You wanted to hurt them back."

"NO!" She turned away. She had to get out of here, get away.

The Beast drew up to her, spinning her around again. "Admit it! They put you through the Seven Hells, and you wanted to make them pay! Admit it, you little bitch! ADMIT IT!"

"YES! She screamed back. "I admit it! I wanted to kill them! I WANTED TO KILL THEM! Make them terrified of me! Make them bleed! MAKE THEM DIE!" She raised the sword in her hand. "Are you fucking satisfied now? I'm a monster! I hurt people! Enemies, friends, family! A Beast! Just like you!"

"No you're not," her father told her gently.

She spun around, breathing hard, as Hrelle suddenly appeared from the shadows, stepping into the light with her and his alter ego. She lowered the sword, her rage seeming to bleed from her as he brought her back to reality. "Misha- is he-"

"Misha's fine," he assured her. "It was a mild concussion at best. He's awake, and already insisting he needs a tavaberry sundae to help him recover."

The relief, the sheer relief that her little brother was okay, and that no permanent damage had been done, washed through her like a wave. "He's... He's okay..."

"Yes, he is. He also wants to know where his big sister has gone to-"

Now her expression changed. "N-No- I can't- you can't let me- Kami won't forgive me- you won't-"

"Yes, I will. And so will Kami. We both know that you wouldn't intentionally harm him. Or any innocent."

His merciful response to her was as brutal as if he had struck her. "N-No- I'm a killer-"

"Yes," he acknowledged sadly. "You've killed. And you did it for many reasons... not all of them selfless." He walked over to the Beast, who glared and sneered at him. "But you're light years from being something like him. He was born and shaped from agony, years of it, patchworked into a creature filled with savagery, but no shame. He killed without mercy, never wept for his victims, relishing in the illusion that it gave him power-"

Now the Beast reacted, bellowing at him, "It was no illusion, you fat effete joke! I ruled the Arena! I was a GOD-"

"Shut up."

The Beast went silent.

Hrelle grunted at him, looking back at Sasha. "He was created from my psychological profile at the time, and the Deathmatch recordings. I have to admit, it's... it's pretty accurate. And always unpleasant, on these infrequent occasions when I revisit him.

But I do revisit him, to remind myself that I'm not him, not anymore. And neither are you. He wouldn't give a shit about Misha, or Tan Ctuuri, or Kami or me or anyone else. He wouldn't risk his life to help others. He wouldn't be having night terrors, flashbacks, guilt about his actions.

And for all of his fighting and survival prowess, he doesn't have a tenth of your courage, your empathy, your integrity. Never in a million years could he be worthy to wear a Starfleet uniform... or carry a Kaetini sword."

She looked down at the sword still in her hand; it was longer, heavier than her own. She threw it down between them, listening to it clang onto the stone floor. "I don't deserve to be in Starfleet. Or in the Kaetini. I'm no hero."

Hrelle stepped closer. "Sasha, you have to show yourself mercy, allow yourself the capacity to make mistakes, learn from them, and move on. Anyone who has worked with you, who knows you, knows you should be in Starfleet. And Mistress Nvell made the right choice in inducting you into the Order. You could grow to be the best of us, without ever being anywhere near perfect." He paused and added. "And remember: any Kaetini who calls himself Hero is no Kaetini."

"You don't-" She stopped, blinking. "How do you know that saying, Dad? Only Kaetini..."

He dropped to one knee, picked up the holographic sword... and adopted the Iray, the first exercise stance of the Kaetini Warrior: sword held straight out, perpendicular to his chest, eyes forward, legs parted.

Then he moved into Roa: stepping forward, blade raised in a forty-five degree angle.

And then Telo, Efatra, Dimy, Enina, Valo...

She watched with growing astonishment, as her father demonstrated knowledge of a practice that was meant to be known only to members of the Order. It couldn't be... yes, he knew all the stories, had told them to her often when she was a child. And yes, at those times she sometimes imagined Dad to actually be one of them, and that they would go off on adventures, before her thoughts fixed onto a life in Starfleet instead. But still... "Dad... you're a Kaetini, too?"

He dropped out of the stance. "It's been years. So many years since I did that. Amazing how it came back like that." He tossed aside the sword.

Sasha stepped up to him, feeling like she'd been stunned with a phaser beam. "Dad? When- When did you become a Kaetini?"

He looked down at the hand that had held the sword, flexing his furred fingers. "I wasn't much older than you. I had been in Starfleet for only a couple of years, working in Security on the Limaari and the Charleston, and because of my race, I was often assigned to work with the Caitian Militia in joint operations. A few times I was instrumental in saving Caitian lives, desperate to prove myself; at some point after that, I received a visit, and a sword of my own."

She stared at him, still waiting for him to break character and tell her it was all a joke, or some therapy trick of Kami's. "You never told me. Why not?"

He dropped his hand. "To be honest, Sasha, it wasn't something that I wanted to advertise; there was a more conservative element in Starfleet Command at the time, sensitive to potential conflicts of interest, and my latter career in Starfleet took me away from further interactions with Caitians. So it ended up in the back of my mind, along with my sword, which I'd kept onboard the Furyk. I suppose it would have come out when you were a little older... but then the Bel-Zon took me."

He was on a pained expression from there memory. "And when I escaped years later... I resigned from the Order, and when I retrieved my recovered possessions from my old ship, I returned my sword to the Temple on Cait."

She frowned. "But... why? Why would you do that?"

He finally met her gaze... and pointed back towards the still, silent figure of the Beast. "Because of him. Because of what I became when I was sold to the Orions. Because the skills I had developed as a Kaetini were employed by him to achieve his infamy. Because, for all of my past victories, I had failed my crew. And I failed your mother. And you"

Sasha drew up to him, shaking her head in disbelief. "Dad... it wasn't your fault. You had no control over what happened to Mom, your crew, or me! Or yourself!"

He seemed to consider her words. "Maybe. Maybe I was rash in doing so, maybe I didn't give myself time to show myself the same mercy I ask you now to show yourself. But this isn't about me. I made my decision. You have yet to make yours."

He reached up and clasped her shoulders, looking into her eyes. "Sasha, I can't promise that life will get easier from now on. I can't promise that you'll never be hurt again. I can't even promise to be with you for the rest of your life.

All I can promise is that I will love and cherish and support you for the rest of my life. Because you are my daughter... and because you are worth it all, and more.

I won't give up on you. None of us will. Don't give up on yourself."

She drew into her father's arms.

*

Not long later, they walked out of the Holodeck, to find Kami waiting for them.

Sasha moved up to her, the emotions welling up within her, her voice cracking. "I'm sorry- Please don't hate me- I didn't mention mean to hurt him-"

Kami pulled her into an embrace. "I know you didn't, Sweetheart. I know you all too well. And I couldn't begin to hate you."

Sasha drew back, wiping the tears from her face. "I gotta go to Sickbay, see Misha, apologise to him too-"

Hrelle made a sniffing sound. "You don't have to go." Louder now he asked, "I thought you were told to stay behind, Cub of Mine?"

Down the corridor, Misha appeared from around the corner, racing up to his family and leaping into his sister's arms, as she bent down in time to scoop him up and hug him tightly, spinning around. "Oh, Baby Brother, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

"Don't do too much of that," Kami warned, smiling. "He's full of tavaberry sundae."

She stopped, but held onto him as she looked into his eyes. "I didn't mean to hit you! I've been... I've been sick-"

He nodded. "I know! Mama told me! The Fearies hurt you! Give you nightmares!" Now he adopted as stern a face as a four-year-old Caitian cub could manage, and shook a finger at her nose. "But Mama fix you! You listen to her, or it's Trouble Time! Got it?"

She nodded, smiling now. "Got it. And I will." She glanced at Kami. "I promise."

*

She counted to Ten as she stood outside the door, before activating the chime, as a voice inside responded, "Enter."

She did, finding Jhess sitting on his couch, with Sreen in her chair snoring away to herself, while he was tuning up his acoustic frettercast. Then he set it aside and rose to his feet, his tail swishing happily behind him and his grin broad. "Sasha! Good to see you again! What can I do for you?"

She breathed in and out again; she could do this, she could do this... "You can... accept my apology for the way I acted on the Holodeck."

"Oh?"

She nodded, feeling her face flush. "Generally I don't just throw myself at every male I find attractive. I was- I was feeling vulnerable, and maybe not quite ready to accept the truths of what I would have to go through, and looking for a distraction, and... well, all of that. So, ah, I hope you'll accept my apology."

"Of course I do." His ears twitched. "You find me attractive?"

She blinked, eyes widening. "I never said that."

"Yes, you did. Just now. I heard it."

Somehow her temperature trebled. "You must have wax in your ears."

He nodded sagely. "Ahh, that'll be it. Well, I'm glad we're able to put that behind us."

"Me too." She rocked in place. "I, ah, have to go to my next Counseling session. Will you be joining the rest of the family for dinner?"

"Of course. See you there?"

"Yes." She started backwards, before turning to head to the door.

"Sasha?"

She stopped and turned.

He approached, a sly smile curving his muzzle. "When you no longer require Counseling, and aren't feeling emotionally or psychologically vulnerable... I'd like to go for another walk with you."

She blinked. "You do?"

He nodded. "Or have a meal, or watch a vivid, or do anything, really. Then maybe we can discuss whether or not that attraction you never said you had for me was mutual."

She raised her chin, her heart racing, but her ego determined to remain cool, giving him a smile back. "We'll see, Spots. We'll see."

Then she turned - and almost walked into a wall instead of the door.

*

She leaned back in the chair, the delta wave inducer fixed to her temples, her eyes focused on the soft, steady white light behind Kami, who sat facing her, her voice equally soft and steady. "Relax, Sasha. Relax. There will be fear, you will accept it, let it wash through you... and then leave your body. Leave you with only the memories that the fear had been attached to. Memories you will then face, and acknowledge, and accept, and in doing so, they will no longer be hidden, but they will no longer be controlling you.

Now, Sasha, I want your mind to go back to the day you beamed back onto the Ajax Bridge, and were attacked by the Ferasans. And as you do so, you will remind yourself throughout that it's not happening to you now, and it will never happen to you again. The past is only as strong as we let it be. Now... tell us what happened to you."

Sasha was calm. She was prepared. She was strong.

But her hand still opened up, allowing the warm, furred hand of her father, sitting in attendance beside her, to envelop it, as if to let the fear running through her continue onward into him, as she finally began. "I beamed onboard. Lieutenant Commander Kohanim was beneath me, unconscious. The four Ferasans were at various stations, trying to gain control. They hadn't detected me yet.

I took action..."

THE ADVENTURES OF THE SUREFOOT WILL CONTINUE IN... KITH AND KIN