Suspicion: Healing

"And then she met you. I'd never seen her happier and she seemed to have pushed Karl into her past, to be thought of fondly but not something to live her life for. Then, as I said, six or seven months ago she came to me and said she'd seen Karl in town and had coffee with him. She looked just like she did when she was a teenager and talked about Karl. I told her that she shouldn't be meeting with an old boyfriend. She was a married woman now with two beautiful children and a husband who would walk on water for her or drown trying. I told her to snap out of this fantasy she was in before she wrecked her marriage and her family."

Evelyn paused and pushed the mug towards me. I poured her another cup and waited as she prepared to finish her story.

"I thought I'd gotten through to her because when she left she thanked me for being a good sister and reminding her of what she had. I really thought she was OK and promptly forgot all about the conversation. She never seemed different to me, and I assume it was the same with you, and she never mentioned it again so I didn't either. She hadn't done anything at that time and I didn't think she would so I never mentioned it to anyone, not even Todd. God, I'm so sorry now that I didn't follow up with her."

"It's not your fault Evelyn, she didn't exhibit any outward signs the whole time at home either. If I hadn't noticed the hickey I wouldn't have had any suspicions at all."

"Hickey?"

"Yeah, a couple of weeks ago I walked in on her while she was dressing in the bathroom and I noticed a bruise on her breast. She gave me some song and dance about hurting herself at work but she looked guilty, you know? Then I found out about a fender-bender she had with a woman at the motel and the man who was with her. She lied about the circumstances of that so I started to get concerned. Then, as I said, yesterday I got confirmation that she'd been cheating. If found a sexy bra and panty set in a plastic bag in the trunk of her car."

"That could have been a surprise for you!" she said hopefully.

"It could have been but the panties had obviously been worn and not for me."

"Oh," she said, dejectedly.

"My sentiments exactly. So, where do we go from here? Last night I asked her who he was and if she loved him. She told me his name was Karl and she did love him. I have to be honest, I was pretty pissed off last night and rather than do, or say, something I'd regret I told her to leave. Since she was the guilty party I felt it only fair that she leave the house."

"I can see your point, Paul. I wish I'd known this last night. I wish you had called me back."

"I didn't want to deal with anyone last night, Evelyn. I wasn't sure the calls weren't from Kathy so I ignored them and got drunk. If you'd been five minutes later I would have been out of here and gone the whole day."

"I couldn't sleep so I left early. I asked Todd to feed the kids and take them out so Kathy wouldn't be disturbed. I should probably get back before she wakes up to an empty house. Are you ready to talk to her? She's probably going to ask once she knows I've been over here."

"I suppose so, though I'd rather she stayed away for a while, everything is still so fresh I'm not sure I won't lose my temper again."

"You know I love you, Paul? You've been a wonderful husband to my sister, I couldn't have picked a better man. I'll talk to her today, get her to tell me everything this time, and then I'll see what happens. If I feel she's not ready to talk to you I'll let you know. I'll call later today, no matter what." She stood up, walked to my side of the table and kissed me on the cheek.

"Thanks for your support, Evelyn. I love you too. I really hope this works out but I don't have a good feeling. I'll wait to hear from you. I have to pick up the kids from my parents at 5:00 so please call before then. I have to think up some excuse for the kids if she's not here."

"Keep your chin up, Paul. I'll talk to you later."

*****

I went out to breakfast and then puttered around the yard the rest of the day. Evelyn called about three and told me that Kathy would be spending a few more days at their house and asked if I could have someone else look after the kids for a while. I thanked her for her efforts and asked my next door neighbor, Mrs. Kelly, if she'd be able to look in on the kids for a few days until I got home. I told her Kathy was away at her parents when she asked. With that settled I left the house at four to pick up the kids.

As soon as I got to my parents my mom knew something was up by the look on my face. The kids were outside with my dad so I just told her that Kathy and I were having some personal problems but I couldn't say much right now. She pulled me into a hug that felt really good right about then. She kissed me on the cheek and told me she'd pray for us. I thanked her and went outside with dad and the kids. We played for another hour and then mom made us stay for dinner. There were some awkward moments when the kids asked why their mom wasn't with me. I told them she was staying with Aunt Evelyn for a few days because she needed some help. Jason seemed to accept it and moved on but Christie wasn't convinced though she kept her feelings to herself.

The ride home was quiet and the mood was subdued at home once the kids remembered mom wasn't going to be home. We watched some TV and then we all went to bed early. I hope the kids slept better than I did.

*****

Things went along this way until the following Friday. Kathy and the kids talked every night but I was conveniently out of the room when my turn came so I avoided talking to her though I felt bad about it at the time. I got a call at work from Evelyn on Thursday asking if I was ready to talk to Kathy. I told her that I had calmed down enough where I felt I could discuss things. I would make arrangements for the kids to have dinner at Mrs. Kelly's while Kathy and I met. I didn't want to talk at home because I didn't want to be alone with her. We agreed to meet at a quiet restaurant that had semi-private booths so we could have some privacy but still be in public.

We'd agreed to meet at 7:00. I had arrived a few minutes early and waited in the bar. Kathy walked in at 7:00 on the dot, saw me in the bar and walked over. "Hello, Paul."

"Hello, Kathy, would you like a drink?"

"Yes, thank you, I'd like a gimlet, please."

We got our drinks and made our way to our table. I'd asked the hostess to give us as much privacy as possible so she sat us as far away from others as she could. We were given menus and were left to ourselves. You wouldn't know we'd been married sixteen years the way we were acting around each other. We looked at the menu and shuffled it back and forth trying to decide what to eat before the waitress arrived. During that time we hardly said two words to each other. Thankfully the waitress arrived. We ordered and we were left alone again.

I spoke up first. "You look nice tonight, Kathy."

She looked at me with barely held tears in her eyes. "Thank you, Paul. ... Look, I'm sorry--"

"Kathy," I interrupted "I don't want to get into this right now. Please, let's wait until after we've eaten. I don't want to be interrupted by the waitress every two minutes."

"I'm sorry, Paul. I won't bring it up again."

We sat quietly until the salads arrived then again until the main courses were served. Finally, we finished eating though I couldn't say I ate very much and neither did Kathy. I knew I couldn't delay this any longer.

"All right, Kathy, we've eaten as much as we're going to, please tell me what you wanted to earlier," and I sat back to wait.

Now that the time to talk had arrived Kathy didn't seem to anxious to begin. She took a deep breath, started to speak and then stopped before uttering a word. She looked down at her plate, sighed again then started.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you, Paul, I didn't mean to and I never wanted you to find out. I love you."

"You have a strange way of showing that, Kathy. How can you say you love me when you tell me you love Karl?"

"That's the problem, Paul, I do love you and I love Karl too. Oh this is so confusing!" She stopped and the tears she'd been holding back slipped down her cheeks.

I pulled my handkerchief from my pocket and handed it to her. She dried her eyes and composed herself.

"Why don't you try to explain it to me. I'd like to know how you can love both of us. Evelyn told me a little about Karl and what he meant to you, why don't you fill in the blanks."

She proceeded to tell me everything that Evelyn had plus her inner feelings about Karl and how she had fantasized what life would be like with him before he was ripped from her. She had put her fantasy away when she met me and had moved on with her life, or so she had thought, until she saw Karl again and all the old fantasies and urges came crashing back to her. She found herself unable to stay away from him even though Evelyn had been very persuasive about what could happen if she followed through and met with Karl in a more intimate setting. Although I didn't want to hear it, she also told me how he made her feel when they made love. I stopped her when she started to get into too much detail, I didn't need, nor want, to hear that. At the end she paused and the tears came again.

"Paul, I can't explain it so you'll understand but I love you more today than when we married. But I also love Karl. He makes me feel things I can't feel with you. Different things, not better or worse, but different and I want those feelings and I want you. Do you remember the old song "Torn Between Two Lovers", well that's how I feel about you and Karl. Can you understand what I'm talking about?"

I thought back to the song she mentioned. I remembered the gist of it. The woman said she loved her husband, had given him her virginity, but she'd found a lover who did things for her he couldn't because they connected on different parts of her personality. She said she loved both men and didn't want to give up either one. I remembered the song but I couldn't fathom the sentiment and told her so.

"Kathy, I just can't accept that you can love me and love another man. Maybe it is because I'm a man and we want to deal in facts and concrete things and you're a woman and are in touch with your feelings. I don't know. I do know that as a man who heard that song I felt anger at that woman and felt sorry for her husband. Now you're telling me *I'm* that husband. I love you very much and I probably always will, but I can't share you. I'm sorry."

"Paul, I love you too, can't you see that? Did I treat you any differently when I was with Karl? Did I show you any less love? How could you think I don't love you when I showed you how I love you every day!"

"You're right, Kathy. You never showed me any less love, to the best of my knowledge, but that was before I knew what I know now. I can't accept that my wife has a lover and doesn't want to give him up. I love you, Kathy, but I *won't* share you. I'll make you a deal. You tell me you'll give up Karl, I mean you'll never see or talk to him ever again, and I'll try to forget this ever happened. You can come home today, right now if you want, and we'll go to counseling to get through this. I'm really hurt by everything you've done, Kathy, but I love you so much and I don't want to walk away from our marriage without giving you every chance I can. Will you do that for us, Kathy?"

I waited for her to jump at my offer but as each second passed I felt our marriage slip away. By the time Kathy looked at me I knew she was gone.

"I love you very much, Paul, but I can't give up Karl. He was my first and greatest love and I've only just got him back in my life! You can't ask me to drop him now! Please, Paul, can't we work something out?"

I shook my head and brought my hand over my eyes to hide the tears. I didn't want to break down in the middle of the restaurant. I had hoped that our sixteen years of marriage and our kids would count for something with Kathy but I underestimated her desire for her fantasy lover. I had to leave, I couldn't stay there any longer.

"I'm sorry, Kathy. No we can't work this out and I'm stunned that you'd choose Karl over me and the kids."

"The kids, what do you mean?"

"I'll be filing for divorce first thing Monday, Kathy and I'll be seeking full custody of the kids. If you can abandon our family like this I don't think I'll have too much trouble declaring you an unfit mother. I'll also be naming Karl as a co-respondent for alienation of affection. If you don't want our families to know all about your affair and exactly why we are divorcing I suggest you not fight it. My lawyer will be in touch with you soon. Please, don't contact me directly. All future communication will be between our lawyers. Please have Evelyn tell me where you are going to be living so I can let my lawyer know. Goodbye, Kathy, have a nice life."

I walked to the bar and paid our tab then got out of there as fast as I could. I pulled out of the parking lot but I didn't get very far as I couldn't see with the tears running down my face. Luckily there was a park nearby and I pulled in there and cried like a baby for the next half hour. How could she do this to us? I thought we'd grow old together and here I was a forty year old, soon-to-be-divorced single father! A single father! The kids! Oh, God, what was I going to tell them! I needed to pick up the kids from my neighbor since I told them I wasn't going to be too late. I found some tissues in the glove compartment to wipe my face with since I had given Kathy my handkerchief. I started the car again and made my way slowly home.

Mrs. Kelly probably guessed things hadn't worked out because when she saw me at the door she told me she was so very sorry. I thanked her and after paying her for her time, the kids and I walked across the street to our house.

My kids are pretty smart and they could sense that something wasn't right with the old man.

"Dad, what's wrong?" Christie said.

"Nothing, honey, I just don't feel well is all."

"Oh," she said. "When is mommy coming home?"

"I don't know, baby, Aunt Evelyn still needs her help," I said sadly.

"Oh, OK, Dad." She turned to her brother saying "Come on, Jason, let's go to my room."

"Sure, sis," he said and the two of them walked slowly to Christie's room at the back of the house.

I sat down in the living room thinking I'd dodged a bullet with respect to what I was going to have to tell the kids. I didn't know how they'd take it and I wanted to try to lessen the blow as much as I could. Before long they were back, with serious looks on their faces. I felt my heart drop into my stomach, I hadn't dodged the bullet at all.

"Dad, we've been talking," Christie said, "We know something is up between you and mom. We've talked with Alexis and Alyssa and they say Aunt Evelyn is just fine. We also know that mom is staying there and all she does is cry when she's in her room."

"Yeah, Dad," Jason said "We have friends with divorced parents and we've heard enough from them to know you and mom aren't getting along. Please, Dad, tell us what's going on."

I looked at my two children and wondered when they had gotten so mature. They were only 13 and 11 for God's sake! As much as I wanted to protect my children I knew I couldn't lie to them, but that didn't mean that I had to tell them everything.

"Mom and I are having problems in our marriage and we've decided to separate. For now, mom is going to live with Aunt Evelyn and Uncle Todd but I think she'll be getting her own place soon. As soon as she gets settled we'll work together to make sure you two get to see her as often as you want. Mom and I love you both very, very much. Never doubt that. There is nothing you have done that caused this. Sometimes grown-ups change and decide they want different things and this separation is one of those times. Mom and I want different things and staying together is no longer an option for us. I'm so sorry, kids, mom and I both are."

Christie and Jason ran to me and I pulled them both into a tight hug. I tried to hold back my tears but I didn't completely succeed and soon we were all crying. We kissed and hugged each other until my arms were tired but I couldn't let them go. My daughter spoke first.

"We know you love us, Daddy. We love you too. Don't worry, Daddy, we'll get through this, you'll see!"

"Yeah, Dad, don't worry, we can both help around the house more," my son said. "We'll be OK, Dad, we'll be OK."

Did I have some great kids or what? Here I was supposed to be reassuring them and they were reassuring me! "Thanks, kids, you're right, we'll be OK. It's getting late, why don't you get dressed for bed and I'll be in to say goodnight in a few minutes."

"Ok, Dad," Christie said and she and her brother left for their rooms.

*****

Monday morning I went to my office early so I could get some work done so that I could leave early if need be to meet with the lawyer I was going to call. We had some friends who had divorced and I'd called a couple of the guys looking for recommendations. I got a name of a really tough lawyer who really worked for father's in custody cases. I wanted full custody but I would be fair regarding visitation. I also planned to be fair in the settlement since I wanted her to agree to the custody condition.

I was able to make an appointment for that afternoon and after spending an hour with her I left feeling reasonably confident that I'd get what I wanted. I arrived home to find Evelyn on my front steps waiting for me.

"How did you know I'd be here this early?" I asked her.

"I called your office and they told me you had an appointment and would not be returning to your office. I assumed you'd gone to your lawyer and I took a chance that you'd come right home after. I wanted to catch you before the kids get home."

I opened the door and invited her to sit down on the couch. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"No thanks, Paul. I want to tell you how sorry I am, for both of you. I just can't understand my sister. She told me of your offer to take her back immediately if she dropped Karl and that she just couldn't do it. She told me that you plan to fight her for full custody too and even that didn't phase her. She's under some delusion or fantasy and I can't figure her out. How could she throw away sixteen years of marriage for a guy who's been out of her life for twenty years!" She put her head in her hands and sobbed.

I got up and sat next to her, hugging her shoulder. "Thanks, Paul, I need a good hug right about now."

I pulled back and smiled sadly at her. "Any time, Evelyn. I appreciate everything you've done for me and your sister. I just wish she was as level-headed as you. God, I miss her! I miss her every day and it's worse at night in that big empty bed. But I won't be made a fool of and accepting her need for Karl in her life while still being married to me is unacceptable. No matter how much I love her I can't be less than what I am and ignore what I believe. I took our marriage vows seriously and when the minister said "forsaking all others" he didn't qualify it for old boyfriends who return after 20 years. I didn't think she'd ever do anything like this and I don't think that if the situations were reversed she'd accept me having a lover while we stayed married."

"No way, she told me she could never share you with another woman but she also said she knew she'd never have to because you were a one woman man and she was your woman. I don't know what's come over her, Paul, I really don't!"

I noticed that the kids would be home soon so I had to get dinner going. "Evelyn, can you stay and eat with us? The kids will be home soon and I need to get cooking."

"No thanks, Paul, I have to get home to feed my brood too. I just wanted you to know that Todd and I will be there for you and that Kathy started looking for a place today. When she finds something I'll let you know."