Suspicion: Healing

I pulled out a card my lawyer had given me and handed it to her. "Please let my lawyer know instead. I really don't want to know where she is going to live, nor do I want to talk to her. The only way I can deal with this is to try to avoid all contact with her and if I know where she's living I'll be tempted to try to see her and if I see Karl I won't be responsible for my actions! The kids need me home, not in jail for assault or worse."

"OK, Paul, I'll pass the information along to your lawyer when I get it. Say hi to the kids for me and tell them we love them too."

"I will, Evelyn, and thanks for everything."

*****

Kathy moved to her own place a week later and the kids started to visit with her at Evelyn's house. I didn't want them at her apartment unsupervised because I didn't want Karl to have any contact with my children. Kathy was much more reasonable than I thought she'd be. She agreed to every restriction I placed on her with respect to visitation nor did she fight the settlement I had proposed. She wanted our marriage behind her so she could be with Karl legally so she agreed to everything. I kept the house but gave her most of our savings since that was equal to the equity we had.

Because the divorce was uncontested the whole thing was completed in six months. I didn't even go to court for the final decree as my lawyer had said my presence wasn't necessary. The fact of the matter was I didn't want to see Kathy again. Every time I thought about her I got depressed and the doubts about what I could have done differently came rushing back. Todd and Evelyn and even the kids told me I could have done nothing to affect Kathy's actions, that the fantasy of her and Karl was too strong, stronger even than her bond with the children. I could never understand how she could give up custody of the children so she could have that man and I suppose I never will.

Christie, even though she was only 11, took over as woman of the house. She'd always been a mature child for her age but when her mother left she took over the running of the house, at least when it came to her brother and me. I had hired a woman to cook and clean for us but Christie took it upon herself to make sure Jason and I didn't goof off when things needed doing. She reminded me a lot of her mother but in a good way.

As much as I tried to keep the real reason for the divorce from her and Jason it seems that news travels fast and bad news travels even faster. One night, not long after the divorce was finalized Christie walked into the den where I was reading the paper.

"Dad, can I talk to you a minute?" Christie said.

"Of course, honey, any time."

"Dad, Jason and I were talking and we don't want to visit mom any more."

I was shocked to hear this as I had been very careful not to say anything against their mother at any time. "Why is that honey, you know your mother loves you very much. She'll be very hurt if you don't visit her."

"We know mom left you for another man and she let you have custody so she could be with him. How can she say she loves us when she left us all for another man?"

I didn't know what to say to her. I hadn't planned on having this conversation with her, at least not for a few more years. I hung my head, sighed then looked her in the eye as I spoke.

"Just because your mother doesn't live with us doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Circumstances change in people's lives, men and women grow apart, it has nothing to do with not loving their children when they can no longer live together. Who said your mother left us for another man?"

"Dad, we're not stupid. You and mom seemed to be so much in love and then one day mom is no longer here. Something big had to have happened and it had to be mom who did wrong because she left the house. If you had screwed up you would have been gone, so it had to be mom. Besides, kids hear things even if we're not supposed to. When mom went to live with Aunt Evelyn our cousins overheard the grownups talking and they told us. So, I have to ask again, Dad, how can you say mom loves us when she left us for another man?"

I just sat there, stunned. Here I thought we, Todd, Evelyn and I, had been so careful not to talk in front of the children. I guess I should have known I couldn't keep this a secret forever. All I could do now was try to convince her to maintain contact with her mother despite her feelings of rejection and abandonment.

"No matter what you think the reason is that your mother left us you have to know that she has never, and will never, stop loving you and your brother. She felt that it was better for you and Jason to live in our house, with me, rather than uproot you so you could be with her. I don't want you to stop seeing your mother, it would be wrong to punish her because your mother and I can't live together any more. I won't force you to see her if that is what you really want to do, but I ask you to think about it. I hope once you do you'll want to continue to see her, no matter what she, or I, have done."

She stood there a few seconds, thinking about what I'd said. She shuffled her feet and hung her head but soon she looked back up with a slight smile on her face. "All right, Daddy, we'll think about it. Thanks for leveling with us."

She kissed me on the cheek then headed off to her brother's room, I assume to fill him in on what we had talked about.

*****

Our lives settled into a new routine and the children did continue their visits with their mother. In fact, they started to stay over at her apartment periodically although Jason wasn't nearly as happy with that arrangement as Christie. It was tough for me the weekends and holidays when the kids were with Kathy. It was pretty lonely in the house on her weekends so I didn't spend a lot of time at home. I started working every other Saturday and I spent the balance of the weekend with my parents. Mom and dad found this to be a mixed blessing of course. They were thrilled to see me more often but the reason for it saddened them as they could see how the situation affected me. I got to know my dad better than I had in years since I would join him on his exercise routine and his walks around the neighborhood. He mostly let me ramble which was good, since I needed to talk but I wasn't looking for solutions as there really were none.

My social life dropped off dramatically too. I felt uncomfortable going to cookouts and parties alone, of course. Our friends still invited me to gatherings and when they were family gatherings, with the children involved, I made sure we attended because I wanted to keep their lives as "normal" as possible. There were also the well-meaning friends and family who brought single women friends to these gatherings, making sure they were introduced to me. I tried to date some but it really was too early for me. I wasn't over Kathy, not that I ever would be truly over her, but she still occupied a large part of my thinking and feelings. I know I wasn't much fun on these dates as I never had a second date with any of these women. After a while I asked my friends to stop trying to set me up because I didn't want to waste the women's time. Thank goodness they agreed with me and stopped their match-making activities as I was starting to avoid parties so I wouldn't be set up, which further reduced my social activity.

Mom saw that I was spending too much time alone, whether the kids were home or not, so she suggested I explore hobbies or taking classes, something I'd always wanted to do but never had the time for previously. I knew that I needed to do something to occupy my time so I looked into some continuing education classes at the local community college. I found some classes that I could use to better my situation at work, thereby killing two birds with one stone.

*****

As much as I tried to avoid hearing about Kathy and her activities some news made its way to my ears. The kids were great, they rarely mentioned their mother except to tell me of their weekend activities, which I was interested in as their father. Where I overheard things is when I would be at Evelyn and Todd's house, for family gatherings or parties. There were too many people who knew both of us to expect them to not talk about the situation> While they were usually careful to avoid the subject when I was near I still overheard things. I found out that Kathy had remarried soon after the divorce and that she seemed to be happy with her new life. I was glad to hear this despite how I felt about the divorce. I still loved Kathy and I didn't want her to be unhappy with her decision. She'd left me for her fantasy life and as strange as this may seem I wanted her fantasy to come true. I guess I truly loved her. I'd rather have her happy with another man than unhappy with me.

*****

As time passed and Jason grew older his school and outside activities caused him to miss more and more of his visits with his mother. After all, what high school kid wants to hang out with his parents on the weekend when he's got other activities to vie for his attention. His missing visitation with his mother didn't mean he spent more time with me either so it wasn't like I gained anything in the deal, but I understood. My son was on the basketball team in the fall and the baseball team in the spring. He was also active in student government which took up a lot of his time as well.

Christie was active in school activities too but made time to visit her mom as well. I felt it was good for her to have a female influence in her life and who better than her mother. I heard about the shopping trips and the "girl talk" they engaged in and it pleased me that she had such a good role model. I could see that Kathy made sure that Christie knew that a loving relationship with a good man was desirable but not something she needed right now since she was too young to be dating. Kathy and I stressed education and school activities as the most important things for her to concentrate on. She did go out with friends, of course, but only in a group which lessened the pressure the girls might have felt if they had been in a one-on-one situation. Considering everything my children were growing up as well as I could have wanted. I was proud of both of them and told them so often.

I had started dating again about the two year anniversary of the divorce. I'd been on the sidelines long enough and I felt the need of some female companionship, if only once in a while. I didn't think I'd ever find another woman I could love like Kathy, but there were a number of nice women who were also looking for companionship, not a serious relationship. My friends introduced me to some really great women and I dated a number of them. Movies, dinner, concerts and other activities were a lot more fun with a companion of the female persuasion. As much as I tried to be up front with these ladies about what I was looking for in these relationships I know a few were disappointed when they wanted to become serious and I politely reminded them that I only wanted to date casually. This conflict usually ended up with the lady and I parting company as friends since I felt uncomfortable wasting the woman's time.

Of course when you least expect it and are not even looking for it love finds you and knocks you for a loop. I'd gone to the dentist for my six-month checkup and there was a new hygienist who was cleaning my teeth. She looked to be around my age, early forties, with short brown hair and dark chocolate eyes. What really got me tongue-tied though was her smile. Working in a dentist's office meant she had good teeth, of course, but her smile was so natural and easy that it made me happy just to be there. Since she had her hands in my mouth poking me with a sharp instrument I didn't have much time to talk to her while she worked. I did notice she was not wearing wedding rings, which I took to be a good sign. I found out she had started two months ago, had a son about Jason's age and had been divorced for ten years. She seemed to enjoy talking with me so I gathered my courage and asked her out for lunch the next day. To my surprise she said yes and I went home that evening with a spring in my step I hadn't had in years.

I was later getting home than usual, of course, so I had told the kids to eat ahead of me. Christie heard me come in the door and was warming up my dinner when I entered the kitchen.

"Hi, Dad, how did your appointment go?"

"Fine, no cavities. I'm good to go for another six months. It seems a shame to eat now and ruin the good cleaning I just got," I said, chuckling.

"You seem really happy tonight, Dad. What's up, did they give you laughing gas or something?"

I tousled her hair as I went to the cabinet to get a glass. "No, smarty-pants, they didn't give me laughing gas. Can't a guy be happy around here without you suggesting I'm under the influence?" I laughed.

"Of course you can, Dad. It's just that I haven't seen you in this good a mood in quite a while. It's a nice change of pace that's all. Whatever caused it I hope you do more of it!"

I sat down with my plate and started eating. In-between bites I asked about her day and where Jason was.

"I had a great day at school, I aced my geometry test and I finished my English paper a week early too. Jason had practice tonight then he's going to Andy's house for dinner, did you forget?"

"I guess I did. Congratulations on acing that test, honey. I'm really proud of you!" Christie smiled happily and sat down opposite me while I ate.

"Thanks, Dad, I know you're proud of me but it's nice to hear it too. Oh, by the way, what would you like for lunch tomorrow? I'm making lunches tonight because Mrs. Roberts had to leave early."

I'd taken to bringing lunch to work to better control my diet and to save a little money too, so I'd asked my housekeeper to pack me a lunch when she made up the ones for the kids. "I won't need a lunch tomorrow, honey, I have a lunch date."

"A date? As in a real date? Is this "date" with a woman and everything?" she asked anxiously. She seemed to be squirming in her seat waiting for my answer.

"Well, yes, I am meeting a woman for lunch, is that a problem?" I asked with a grin on my face.

"Are you kidding! I was wondering when you'd get your head out of your butt and start dating again."

"What do you mean?" I asked mock-indignantly. "I've been dating for a while now. You know I've had dates. I go out a couple of times a month with a number of different women."

"That's not dating, Dad. That's going out with friends who happen to be female. You were never interested enough in any of them to bring them home or even to see them very often. I'm not complaining, of course, it was nice to see you getting out of the house and being with a woman again, but you can hardly call that dating!"

"And what makes you think this lunch "date" is different?"

"For one thing, you never asked any of those women out for lunch. You only went out on weekends, never during the week and never for lunch. Second, you've haven't had this air about you when you mentioned your plans before. I don't know why but I have the feeling this woman is different from your usual "date" and I'm glad."

"When did you get so smart, Christie? This woman is different than my usual companions. I met her today at the dentist, she works there now. I couldn't get over her smile and her personality and when we talked we seemed to click so I asked her out for lunch and she said yes. Neither of us has much time so I'm going to take her to TGI Friday's for the lunch special. If things work out I think I'll ask her to go out Friday night."

"Wow, Dad, that's great! I hope it works out for you. You've been marking time way too long. You're a good-looking guy and you have a lot to offer a woman. I know you were hurting because of the divorce and it's taken a while to get over that. I'm just glad to see you willing to take a chance again."

"Whoa, honey," I said seriously, "I think you're reading a lot more into this lunch than you should. I've just met this woman. It's way too early to assume there is more to this than there is."

"I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to imply you were getting engaged tomorrow or anything. I'm just pleased to see the positive change in your attitude compared to your usual feelings toward "dating". Is it OK to hope you have a good time tomorrow?" she said smugly.

"Yes, it's OK to hope I have a good time. I only hope you haven't jinxed me!"

"I haven't, you'll see!" With that she left me to finish my supper alone.

*****

I left work a few minutes early for lunch so I'd be on time to pick Heidi up. She was waiting outside her office for me so I stopped and opened the door for her.

"Why thank you, kind sir! I could get used to this," she said as she slid into the car.

I walked back to my side, climbed back in and off we went.

"Where are we going, Paul?"

"I was thinking we could go to TGI Friday's. They have a fast lunch special there."

"Fine with me, I love TGI Friday's. I asked Dr. Hecht if I could have a little extra time at lunch today and he said it wouldn't be a problem but I'd rather not push it since I haven't been there too long."

"Well, we're here, how about I drop you at the door while I park the car? That should save us a few minutes."

"Good idea, Paul."

By the time I parked and had made my way to the entrance Heidi had a table and was scanning the menu. We ordered and talked a bit while we waited for the food. Conversation lagged a bit as we ate but not so that either of us was uncomfortable. All too soon our lunch hour was up and it was time to head back to work. My initial impression of Heidi as a woman I'd like to know better were only reinforced by our lunch "date" so I decided to ask her about Friday.

"I had a really good time today, Heidi. Would you like to go to a movie Friday?" I asked, hopefully.

"I'm sorry, Paul, I can't--"

I responded before she could continue. "I'm sorry, I hope I wasn't being too forward. I thought you were enjoying yourself today," I said, embarrassed.

"Paul, if you had let me finish I would have told you I couldn't go out Friday because I have a previous engagement. My son is in a play at school. I'd love to go out with you again, I just can't go Friday night." She smiled encouragingly to me.

"Well, now that I've put my foot in it up to my knee, would you be free on Saturday?"

"Yes, Paul, I am free on Saturday, as it happens, what would you have in mind?" she asked coyly.

"I would like to take you to a movie and maybe something to eat after. Would that be acceptable to you?"

"That is very acceptable. Here's my number, why don't you call me tonight when we both have more time and we can decide on when you can pick me up." She handed me a piece of paper just as I pulled up in front of her office. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek before she exited the door. "I had a really nice time, Paul. I'll look forward to your call." Before I had a chance to respond the door closed and she was on her way back to work. I returned to work myself and I have to be honest, I didn't get much work done the rest of the day.

*****

Dinner that evening was an interesting affair. Jason and Christie grilled me about my lunch date; how it went, what was she like, was I going to see her again, the usual third degree except this time I was on the receiving end, a place I hadn't been since I was their age.

I told them that Heidi was a year younger than me, was a single, divorced mother of one boy, 16. She was attractive, of medium height with brown hair and the most gorgeous chocolate brown eyes and that lunch, while hurried due to time constraints, had been very enjoyable. The big question, was I seeing her again, was answered in the affirmative. I mentioned that I was going to call her later this evening to finalize arrangements for a date Saturday night. It was my turn to do the dishes that night but Jason and Christie took over the task so I could make my call without further delay.