Suspicion: The Aftermath

Graduation fell on a Friday night and Christi was with me that weekend. She and I drove to the auditorium together and we found two good seats toward the front. I looked around but the place was very crowded and I couldn't see Paul anywhere. I decided to forget about him for this evening and concentrate on my son.

I wanted to look my best for Jason so I had spent half a day finding the right dress to wear. It was very expensive and tailored to fit me perfectly. The shoulders were covered but my arms were bare and there was very little cleavage showing. I knew it was what might be called prim but I didn't want any doubts about the look I wanted to show to his friends. I know he was worried about me being there but refused to consider not inviting me. It made me sad to know that I had caused him this problem. Todd once told me that Jason finally nagged his father into showing him the letter I wrote to him. Jason read it and had a hard time dealing with my infidelity. Todd said he was angry for days before he finally let it go. He was the only one of the few besides Paul and I that knew what I had done but he felt that everyone would know if they saw me there. But, bless his heart, he invited me anyway.

Graduation was all I had expected and I was so proud watching my son cross the stage to receive his diploma. He turned and waved and I saw his eyes pass over someone else before moving on in search of me. His face lit up and he waved before moving off to the side. I was a magic moment for me. I cried proudly and unashamedly.

After graduation was over, I waited outside for Jason. Christi had gone to be with some of her friends and we agreed to meet at the car in half an hour. I had my camera and I wanted pictures. As many pictures as he would let me take. My son, the graduate! I was so proud. I watched the students and families as they milled about. So many smiling faces, so much love.

"They are all so full of life and zest. I hope their dreams all come true."

My heart stopped for a second as I heard the voice behind me. I knew instantly who it was and there was no doubt in my mind. I had heard that voice inside my head for the last 20 years. Yes, 20 years. I turned to see Paul standing there dressed in a dark blue suit and a beautiful maroon tie. He looked older somehow. His hair had more gray and his eyes were deeper set and somehow darker. He had lost weight but it looked good on him. He was still a very handsome man and my heart jumped at the site of him.

I thought very carefully what I should say. Since I had not spoken to Paul in over 4 years, my first words had to be right.

"Maybe they should be careful of their dreams. Reality is much more solid and dependable. Dreams can become obsessions and can cause a lot of pain." I paused for a moment before continuing. "I think that dreams rarely bring true happiness."

"That's true, but I think that dreams have to be followed if only to teach us what is important in our life. Have you found your dream Kathy? Were you happy?"

That question was far easier to answer. That took no thought from me.

"Yes Paul, I was happy. I was happy for 16 wonderful years. I had everything a woman could ever want and I threw it away for a dream: a dream built of a fairytale romance with a fairytale prince. The light was so bright from that dream that it blinded me to all that was real. In the end, the prince was only a man and the romance was only wishful thinking. The dream died and reality was all that was left."

Paul watched me as I spoke my words to him. I only wanted to let him know that I had been truly happy with him and with our family. I wanted him to know that I was wrong and that I had let it all go for nothing. Not to show him he was right and I was wrong but to let him know that he mattered to me in the end. He was all that ever mattered to me.

He started to say something but just then Jason called to us and came running over with some of his friends. He hugged me and shook his father's hand and introduced us as his folks. We laughed and talked for several minutes with congratulations flowing back and forth and then he was gone. I insisted on pictures and Paul took some of me with my son. He stayed good naturedly but I could see the restlessness to be with his friends. I finally took mercy and let him go. Paul and I stood there and watched our son go off into his own future. He would do well. He was strong and bright and confident. He was our future.

I turned to Paul to say goodbye, but before I could say anything, he reached over to take my hand in his. My heart stopped and time stood still. I dared not look at his face for fear of what I might see. I simply waited, watching my hand in his.

"Would you like to have a cup of coffee with me? We could just talk and get reacquainted again. Our son has just graduated and we should talk about his future and what he wants to do."

I finally looked up to see him smiling. It was just a small smile but it was the most wonderful sight I had ever seen. My heart started beating again but it went from a dead stop to 60 mph in just a second. I was sure Paul could hear it beating from where he was standing. But, I had to answer him. He was waiting.

"I have to wait for Christi but I would like that very much. We have a lot to talk about and I would like to hear about your plans for our son. Where would you like to go?"

He simply smiled and said,

"Home"