All Comments on 'Switch'

Keep up the great work, cant wait to read more stories

Some crazy mixed up people here. She wants to act out on a fantasy and husband is none the wiser. Maybe there will be a next time? I think if she knew how honorable her husband was she would appreciate hime even more. But the other coupe has some issues. Wife will act out again as she doesn't want to think she can be rejected again and husband is willing to do his neighbor so easily?

Brett is the real man but also sadly has a wife capable of cheating. Just lucky she stopped this time. I mean had Gary had a great cock she may have over looked the missing ring.

Not a bad premise but horribly written, it was so muddled and disjointed I barely knew who was supposed to be narrating.

Not bad for a first try. You didn’t ask for advice but even experienced writers can gain from constructive criticism so I’m going to offer a bit—hope you take it in the spirit offered.

Your first anonymous comment was right on even though he didn’t suggest a better way; I‘m going to try to remedy that.

#1-Having chosen to use multiple view points, you would have been well advised to use 3rd person. In that case something like this would suffice:

******

Meanwhile over a hundred thirty miles farther north Trudy….

If you want to stick with 1st person in a short story maybe do something like this:

******

TRUDY’S TAKES OVER NARRATIVE

I knew I shouldn't have…

Whatever you do, please don’t get discouraged; you have cobbled together a very different and interesting plot. I’ll be looking out for your next submission. Thanks for the read. cd

I went back over the manuscript and saw a few errors- one with the wrong name of the female character. I was even confused. I have made some corrections to point the reader to each character in terms of geographical location. I also added to Linda's feelings afterwards. After all that is really the crux of the situation after the smoke clears- what happens to the friendships and their marriages afterwards. I missed this entirely and should not have.

Thank you all for your comments in my first ever attempt. I will wait for more comments, then revise the story and replace this version.

Since it was only one page, I could put together your story. I wouldn't have bothered if it was more than one page.

I like stories where people sober up before they've crossed the line. However, I have to agree that Linda would have cheated if Gary's cock was bigger. Is that really how you wanted your story interpreted?

Keep writing.

They need to switch spouses at least once

Jazzharp, Thank you for the question. It is not what I intended. Linda learned how much emotional pain she had inflicted on herself in the days and weeks that followed. The blow to her self-image and the realization that she would have ruined her marriage took a real toll. She will never wander again. Sometimes the punishment meted out by others is not nearly as painful as what we do to ourselves. We all make mistakes in our lives. No one else other than Gary knows the truth and he was dealt a blow too by her rejection. Linda realizes that too. Ultimately we have to forgive ourselves and move on and try to be the best person we can. Linda never totally escaped the feeling she was unworthy of Brett's love and trust; that was the real punishment. Trudy and Gary will not last; that aspect was apparent to a number of readers.

I have attempted to modify the text to better reflect Linda's feelings afterwards. I think that will add to the power and value of the story once it is resubmitted.

Again, my thanks. Rachel

I believe the word you wanted at the start of the last paragraph is "genres" , from Word Hippo.

You have some other observations you'd do well to study. From what I understand, you can ask for volunteer editors to help you fix the issues in your writing.

DO PLEASE CONTINUE.

I would think any hesitation or second thoughts would be before you were naked and touching, but I have no experience. I suspect if I got that far I would be too far gone to stop.

So one couple used discipline and commitment to preserve their marriage, and the other couple are just two cheaters waiting for the right opportunity. Guess which marriage has a longer shelf life?

Oh, you implied the 4-inch cock was the deal killer for the wannabe whore. So maybe she's just waiting for Mr. Big Dick, and neither marriage will make it for long. Something to think about.

Thanks for the effort.

I liked it, I think you did well with the story, from the wives point of view. I would like a bit more feedback (maybe a follow up from the husband's point) -- for Gary seems like an ass and Brett seems a stand up guy (mostly) ... keep working on your craft, this was a fine start.

I liked this tale of 2 near misses if you will. Both marriages were hanging in the balance, good vs evil and all that.

A word or two of advice, if you are going to change point of view, you should really announce who we are following around. I understood your intention when it swothced to Linda, but the change was still jarring. Alamo there were a few minor technical issues but it's a free site so that's not a huge issue. If you feel that you aren't able to are them when proofing your own work, ask someone to give it a second set of eyes.

Good story and hope to enjoy the flip side now! 4*

Rnebular

What's unique in your story?

Four inches.

In stories here, seven inches is entry level..:+))

More Fiction than Facts here? :+)))

Craft Advice: DETAILS! Writing Power is in The Details!

And Your Best Friend is...DEVELOPMENT!

Keep the story moving forward!

Example?

This pizza is tasteless and boring.

Or?

This pizza tastes like old ketchup on a thin piece of cardboard.

NOTE: Your most recent stories are LIGHT YEARS BETTER!!!!

Atta Girl...!!!

Pretty good first effort. I enjoyed it.

She wont be married for long with a selfish vile mind like that