Talisman of Hate

"Glad to hear that Julie. Shall we go?"

Julie quickly rinsed the cups and as they left the house Henry showed her to the driver's door. "As I said, I need a lift home and I think I need to show you around the car a mite before you drive it into town."

Julie came to a confused stop. "Me? Drive this?"

Henry shrugged. "Its Harry's new car and if he wants to see you as badly as he told me last night, you may as well use it."

"And what says he wants me to drive it?"

Henry stretched his eyes. "Do you think he may want you to walk to town?"

"I hope not."

Henry grinned at her. "Right now my dear, I don't think he would mind if I gave it to you."

"Yeah right! Until it happens."

Once inside the car Julie looked around the plush interior. "I think I can live inside this," she giggled nervously as she turned the key and they moved off.

***

As Julie pushed at the door to Harry's room she took a few deep breaths and for a moment bit down on her bottom lip. Having had to listen to a lecture from the nurse about not getting Harry to make any sudden moves again, her resolution to go at him head first had deflated somewhat and once again she was at loss for where to start.

"Go forth little warrior" she whispered to herself and with her back held straight she walked into the room. This time Harry was on his stomach and again she became flustered as she saw the wounds under the jelly, plastered thickly over. Once again the words that she had recited on her way here left her like a twisp of feathers in a breeze.

Unsure of what to do or say she simply went to the washbasin and rinsed her hands for no reason whatever. Behind her she heard stirrings and slowly turned to Harry.

"Who's here?"

"Its me, Julie."

She saw his chest heave and heard the chuckle. "Can you tilt the bed please? I cannot see you."

Unfamiliar with the controls she raised him up, lowered him and then almost had him bent at the hip wrong way round before she got the hang of it and eventually they could look at each other through the hole in the bed as long as Julie sat on a small rug on the floor. He found her fumbling funny while she wished she could sink into the floor.

"Thanks for coming Julie," he said softly.

"I'm here. Your dad says you wished for me to be."

"I did. Our conversation was interrupted last night."

"Where were we?"

"I said I will never say or do anything to hurt you again Julie."

"That's right. You also needed a nurse."

Harry chuckled. "Yes. Jerking upright to make my point taught me a few things about pain after pain. Damn! It was difficult to breathe and because of the ripping I am back on my face for a while again."

Julie took a deep breath and bit the bullet. "Tell me Harry. Are you a coward?"

It took a while before he replied. "I'd love to say no, but years of not having the guts to stand up to my friends and defend my friendship with you says yes. I didn't even have the guts to admit to myself that I was destroying something precious."

"You rebuilt our little house...."

Harry made a strange noise and Julie looked at him with her eyebrows raised. His eyes were closed but she could see the muscles in his temples move as he clenched and unclenched his jaw.

"How many times Harry?"

"I.... I have no idea."

"Once? Twice?"

Harry sighed loudly. "At least twice every summer. Sometimes more, depending on how much it rained."

"The last time?"

"Just before I left for Uni."

"Why the last time?"

Harry looked at her and pulled a face. "Well, my stay at the farm had come to a temporary end at least and I guess I gave up hope."

"Hope for what?"

Harry squinted. "Hope for me to find a way to fix this thing I put between us. The end of our time together had come. I would be at University, you would finish school and fly away somewhere once that was done. Never in my wildest dreams or nightmares did I ever think we would end up at the same University and much less befriend the same person. It defies ..."

"Never doubt the power of Karma."

"I still have to figure out if she's a bitch or a good fairy."

"Let's say she's a bitch of a fairy," Julie sighed. "Okay, Mr Cliffendale. I am here under your bed. Let me be honest with you. I have absolutely no desire to be here. Peter, Blanche, your parents and even my dad said I must speak to you to get this thing between us addressed. Somewhere they think we may be able to resolve it for reasons I do not know. Peter said I must burn my hatred. Your mother said I must tunnel through the mountain between us to find the core."

"And if you do?"

"What?"

"Find the core." Harry took a deep breath. "What is the core?"

"I have no idea Harry. I have so much anger and hurt built into it I have no idea even what to look for except maybe more of the same."

"Can I wrap my shame around you as a cloak to shield you from your anger and hurt?"

"Shame?" How..."

Harry groaned as he tried to shift. "Maybe I must stop trying to paint with words. We are speaking in metaphors instead of getting to the point."

"What is the point Harry?"

"Damn! I wish I can move!"

"Is that it?"

"If only it was that simple," Harry chuckled. "No, Julie. I need my hands to move to help me speak. As it is I find it impossible to augment my words with the added sign language. But the point is this Julie. You speak of a mountain of hurt and anger and even hate. I know that mountain Julie. I built it. I added every grain of whatever it was to build it with. Once you start digging I hope you find something else on your way to the core."

"And what may that be?"

"There are huge lumps of soft material in your mountain Julie. I think I know what is at the core but unless you find it yourself you will never know what it was."

"You are confusing me."

"Sorry Julie. After so many years of animosity between us I am terrified of saying something to destroy what little I have of you now so I speak metaphorically. There are so many things I know about us but if I said it outright you may just take a rake to my back."

"Why not just...."

"Find one of the soft lumps Julie. Tunnel through that. If you find something hard in the way, turn. Ignore the hard stuff. Follow the soft lumps. There are many of them. They will take you to the core."

"Says Harry the metaphorical philosopher." Julie sat staring at him. Somewhere she got the feeling that she had lost a battle. She came primed to softly scream Harry into a cowering mess but somehow she lost her footing and although she didn't fall flat on her face, she did lose momentum.

"What is the core Harry?" she asked softly and saw the sad smile spread on Harry's face.

"I hope we find the same core Julie. I have my ideas about what I wish it to be but you may possibly find something else because you may be looking for something different."

"You're confusing me."

Harry chuckled. "A vast improvement over angering you."

"The betrayal hurt Harry. The anger and disappointment followed and fed my hatred."

"It has to stop Julie."

"Hate can carry on Harry."

"I disagree. Hate can only survive in the way that love does. It has to be nurtured. It needs to be fed to survive."

"Hate is said to be love that turned upside down, so to speak."

Harry blew through his lips. "I think we use the word hate too easily. Most people confuse it with anger and both can lead to violence and even illness but it is not the same. I guess anger may lead to hate given the chance but once again it needs to be fed."

"Here's a riddle. Can hate turn to love?" Julie asked with a frown.

"I don't know Julie. I guess its possible but whereas love comes easily, hate has a cause that needs to be quelled first. That in itself cannot be easy. Ask yourself Julie. You hate me."

Julie started upright. "I do not Harry!"

Harry lay there smiling at her. "I did not keep count Julie but since you stepped through that door yesterday you said you hated me a number of times."

"That I did," she giggled softly. "Do you think I do?"

"Only you will know Julie. I would like to know it is not so."

"I loathed you Harry."

"Deservedly so."

Harry was quiet as he lay there simply staring at her. A number of abortive starts later he eventually asked; "I don't know how to ask this Julie and it may just go wrong but I need to know."

"What?"

"Do you still hate me?"

Julie sighed heavily. "I've said this so many times in the past few weeks. No Harry. I don't think so. At the waterfall something gave way. I told my mom that night that I had killed a monster and maybe I did. I killed my hatred for you I think. Yesterday at the waterfall while I rebuilt our little house I cried because I remembered some of our precious memories. I cried because it hurt Harry, not because I hate you." She smiled suddenly. "The day I went there to sing I never thought of the little house. I think I would have destroyed it if I had."

"Good thing I happened to hear you sing."

Julie nodded. "Maybe it was destined to happen. Like falling off a ladder, we needed the nudge...."

"So I did something good in your eyes?" Harry chuckled.

Julie sat looking at him and almost smiled. "Not quite but there was a day you did something and I silently cheered you on, even hating you as I did."

"What was that?"

"When you hospitalised Tommy."

Harry chuckled. "It took months for the opportunity."

"You waited for it?"

"He was a despicable person, and yes, I waited for a chance to beat him."

Julie sat looking at him with her eyes in slits. "You carried anger for that long?"

"Well, yes. Like your hatred of me, I fed it all the time. There was a very good reason."

"He was an awful person but he was one of your friends?"

"No, no, no. He, like a number of others, hung out with us for reasons of their own. I disliked him intensely but what to do?"

Julie sat and pensively bit her lip before looking up at him. "He injured me one day."

Harry nodded. "I know."

For a second Julie felt herself go cold and then her face heated up. "You know what he did?"

Harry grunted and she saw his eyes flash anger. "He bragged about it days later. I ...."

"He bragged?"

"Stephen held me back. I would have killed him that day so I had to wait. The intervening time took the edge off it so when he hit Jennifer I had the excuse to lay into him and I meticulously caused as much painful damage as I could. It was barbaric but he paid for what he did to you."

Julie dropped her head on her chest and looked at the tiles on the floor as she gritted her teeth. "Even groping me so violently that he pushed my panty into me so hard that I bled of it, it was less painful than what you did to me Harry."

"I can imagine."

"Can you?" She looked up at him and her anger bristled again. "How can you even try to understand what it was like?"

"I didn't say I know Julie! I said I can imagine but yes, maybe even that is conceited. Given the time and opportunity I would love to try and make it up to you but I fear it would take a lifetime to do so."

Julie sat staring out the window, refusing to look Harry in the eyes. It still felt as if she was losing a battle. A battle she had prepared for but seemed she did it from the wrong angle. She smirked suddenly and shook her head.

"What is the aim of a battle Harry?"

"Huh?"

Julie looked up at him. "Yesterday I decided to confront you. Apparently you have asked for me knowing I have no desire whatsoever of being on the same planet as you and yet you kept it up. I came to do battle last night but instead I told you that I had rebuilt our little house. The fight died before I could fight it. Today, once again, I came here to battle it out with you and once again I tripped over myself talking of a core to our mountain."

"I don't want to fight with you Julie."

"We have to fight it out Harry! We need to destroy whatever stands between us so that we can see each other again! Everybody is making huge efforts to lay waste to our foolish history. Your dad even came to mine and begged forgiveness. I don't know about you but I think that took a super human effort from him. Your mom and mine have spent many hours together, working on a friendship that should have been there right from the start. I have visited your mom and we...."

"I had to burn first."

Julie stared at him as millions of memories washed through her thoughts. Some happy but most so painful that despite her best efforts she felt the tears burn before they rolled over her cheeks. "You had to almost die first Harry. Do we need another catastrophe before we make peace?"

Harry chuckled. "I raise a white flag."

"I still want to fight!"

"Okay. I'm helpless so I beg of you not to hit me again. The last time round hurt enough. If you yell at me, keep it down or the nurses will kick you out."

"You seem to think its funny!"

Harry grinned at her and winked. "This is the most fun I have had with you in many years Julie. Please believe me. It is wonderful to see a little anger in your face with no hate to make it ugly."

"You caused the hate Harry!"

"I know."

"You could have destroyed me Harry. You failed because my parents guided me and helped me when it became too much at times. Their love made me strong. Strong enough to face you with my hate and anger." She took a deep breath. "Strong enough too, to know that if I do not work on it I will damage myself."

"And me in the process."

Julie smirked. "A few years ago that would have been music to my ears. How many times did I get lost in thought thinking of ways to make you feel the pain you caused? I wanted it so badly I could conjure up the most awful movies in my head of you dying of thirst in some hell baked desert where the sun burnt your skin into curls of dried out shavings while vultures circled...."

"Did you at least taunt me with a bottle of water?"

Julie hung her head and slowly shook it. "No."

"I thought so"

"I dislike hurting others."

"I hurt you enough to make you loathe the concept."

Julie looked up with hurt in her eyes. "Yes Harry, you did."

"I don't know if I have said I'm sorry for it Julie. If it would help I will repeat it over and over all day."

Julie chuckled. "I remember you saying that you're sorry after the waterfall."

"I meant it."

Julie took a deep breath. "I believe you. You also said something about forgiveness not being easy." She looked up at him. "I'm trying to find a way to forgive you Harry. Really, I am but there is something blocking it."

"Anger?"

Julie shrugged. "I don't know. Of course there is anger. There is distrust, disappointment, hurt and God knows what else and that may be why I need to fight with you Harry. Somehow I need to get rid of the poison."

"You can go and sing at the waterfall Julie. I will not hear it but my heart will be there with you."

Julie looked up with surprise. "I tried that yesterday. That was when I happened upon our little house."

"And?"

"I... I cried."

"May I ask why?"

Julie laughed softly. "No Cliffendale. You may not."

"You're blushing Julie," Harry grinned. "It makes you more beautiful than you normally are."

Shaking her head Julie got up from the floor. "My legs are going to sleep if I don't move now," she mumbled and missed the wide grin on Harry's face as she went to stand at the window, looking out over the countryside on the other side of town. To the left, a distance from town was their farm and behind that, slightly to the right, the Cliffendale's. Far away, the blue mountains that formed the range from where many streams flowed, watering a vast area of valleys so beautiful she had painted parts of it numerous times. 'Rushing Streams'. Peggy's farm. The gigantic swathe of mountains and valleys that had gone from mother to daughter for generations.

Turning from the window she took a deep breath and came to stand next to the bed, staring at the wounds on his back, faintly visible through the opaque gel covering it. In her mind's eye she tried to picture what his back would look like once new skin had grown. Colour caught her eye and she bent down to try and see what it was. Once she searched for it, she saw numerous others and almost wiped some of the gel from it to see better.

"There are things on your back Harry. It looks like bits of...."

"My shirt," he chuckled. "A lesson in wise materials for clothes."

"Do you know what it looks like?"

She saw his body shake as he laughed and helpless to stop it, she laughed with him.

"You may have noticed that I have a neck like an ostrich, so yes, when nobody watches, I crane around to look at it."

"You're silly!" Julie giggled. "But is it really bits of your shirt?"

"I believe so."

"But why is it still there?"

"The doctor is an artist."

"Harry!"

"Okay, if you have to know. Cutting it out would be more damaging than leaving it there. As much as possible was removed. The good doctor says that in time my body will either grow around it or may even reject it. According to him, time will tell."

"So, chances are that anybody looking at your back in years to come, will be able to say what colour shirt you wore when you burnt."

"Pretty much. Imagine I was wearing one of those shirts that look like newspaper cuttings."

Julie almost choked as she laughed. "One day we may find ourselves at a swimming pool and there will be this guy with binoculars staring at your back, trying to follow the story!"

Both laughed with glee but as they recovered Harry slapped the bed next to him. "Julie!"

"What?"

"Please come and sit down here again?"

Julie was still flushed with the laughter as she sat down on the little rug and looked up at him. His eyes glittered and he had a happy smile.

"Thank you Julie. That was the most beautiful thing I have heard for years and it even beats hearing you sing."

"What was that?"

"You said 'we'."

Julie frowned and then giggled as realisation dawned. "Don't read too much in it Cliffendale."

"I'll take whatever I can get Julie. Even scraps beat having nothing at all."

Julie stared at him and cleared her throat. "What do you want Harry?"

Harry sighed deeply. "If you asked me last year it would have been something different to what I wanted yesterday. Yesterday I wanted to be able to speak to you again. After last night I wanted you to believe that I regret what I had done to you and also that I will never do anything like it again. This morning I wanted to see you again. Right now I want to change history."

Julie sat staring at him before she spoke softly. "No Harry. Changing our history would simply mean an even bigger loss. I had some of the happiest times of my life in the past ten years. I don't want to lose it. You also had happy times."

"Some bitter times as well."

"Yes. But if we can laugh about somebody reading your back someday, we can work on the bitter times."

"I'd like that Julie. Really, I do."

Julie drummed on the floor for a while before looking up again. "Okay. I am going to leave soon. The nurses are possibly considering asking security to come haul me out for overstaying my welcome especially as it is way outside visiting hours and I think I promised half an hour. Tonight I will not visit. Your parents need some time too."

"If I throw a tantrum?"

"I will die laughing but it won't help and anyway, I am a little scared of driving your car at night."

She saw the surprise on his face. "My car?"

"Yip. Quite nice as well. A little upmarket for a student but not too bad."

"But how?"

"How what?"

"How is it that you're driving my car?"

"Do you mind?"

"No. Not even almost."

"You asked your dad to convince me to come visit you this morning. Was I supposed to walk or take a tractor?"

Harry squinted at her. "Would you have walked?"