Talisman of Hate

Julie almost ran into the door of his room in her haste to get out. She ran down the corridor towards the nursing station where a nurse saw her anxiety and realising that something was wrong, she ran towards his room, calling over her shoulder. Julie collapsed into a chair where she covered her face with her hands while tears flowed freely.

Minutes later Brigitte came walking down the corridor and hurried her steps as she recognised Julie sitting in a chair crying with her face in her hands. For seconds she thought that something may have happened to Harry but she knew that by now Harry was out of danger and fast on the mend. She came closer and crouched before Julie.

"Child? What happened?"

Julie pulled her hands from her face and stared at Brigitte. "I said something that made Harry jerk upright. Those sheets on his back ripped off and it must have hurt terribly. I saw the wounds....."

Brigitte pulled Julie to her and patted her on her shoulders. "Are you okay?"

Julie nodded and then shook her head only to nod again before sighing. "He is in terrible pain Aunty Brig. The nurses are with him now."

"Are you okay Julie? Harry is fine, I know. How are you?"

Julie pulled back from Brigitte. "I am okay Aunty Brig. We've been talking since I got here. There is so much anger between us. So many things that stand in the way....."

Brigitte waited but as Julie simply stared at the floor she prompted. "In the way of what my dear?"

Julie looked up to Brigitte. "We need to make peace Aunty Brig but we dance around each other with all kinds of questions that lead in circles to nowhere." She sighed. "No. That is not correct. We said many things and he told me why ...." She bit her lip and dropped her head.

"Why what Julie?"

"Why he almost destroyed me. Why he made my life a hell. I am trying to understand but there are mountains of pain in the way. Many times in there I felt anger rise while he spoke about us. I kept it in check." She suddenly giggled. "At least I didn't attack him again."

"Julie...."

"How could he Aunty Brig? I loved him. He says he loved me too. I know it was simply the love two kids growing up together have for each other but to me it meant everything. It was strong enough to cause terrible pain. Was it so easy to trample my love and adoration into the ground because other kids taunted him about it? Did it have no value? How.....?"

Brigitte got upright and pulled at Julie to follow. Once standing she took Julie's hand in hers and started walking from the hospital, passing Henry where he sat in the cafeteria. A glance from Brigitte made him smile and fall back into his chair. He knew Brigitte well enough to know that there was something afoot and he may as well resign himself to a long wait.

Once outside and out of earshot from others, Brigitte turned to Julie. "Tell me everything Julie. What happened? When did it start? What did he do? Everything."

Many steps and many abortive starts later Julie sighed painfully. "We always played together Aunty Brig. We also ate our sandwiches together at a spot under an old tree. The one that was blown down in that terrible storm a few years ago. Remember?"

Brigitte nodded and squeezed Julie's hand. "One day he came up to me and laughingly grabbed my lunchbox. I thought he was just playing with me so I smiled at him and with a sneer he dropped my food onto the ground and trampled on it. I remember the shock. I could not believe it and ran forward to pick it up for whatever reason I still have no idea, but he only kicked it away from me, taunting me while his friends laughed at me. I started crying and pleaded with him to stop it but he picked up a piece of a sandwich and rubbed it into my hair.

"I ran away, hearing them taunt and yell things after me. That afternoon when we walked home from the bus stop I still walked with him but he kicked my bookcase from my hands and then ran away from me, leaving me there crying."

Julie sniffed. "Even now I can remember how hurt and confused I was. He always came to play with me in the afternoons. That day I sat waiting for him. He never came.

"The next day I thought it was past and went to wait for him again at the old tree. I waited and waited but he didn't come to me and then one of his friends came past and kicked my lunchbox from me. I looked around for help and saw Harry laughing."

Julie stopped talking and gritted her teeth until Brigitte pulled at her hand to continue. "Today I know that the betrayal was what hurt the most. The person I looked up to as my hero turned out to be my tormentor. I always thought he would protect me. He was the one who attacked and failed me."

"And then?"

Julie sighed and then painful memories poured out. At times she had to stop talking as heartbreak overtook her emotions but always Brigitte was there. Waiting. Listening. Understanding.

"At some time during high school it petered out. Possibly because I had mastered the art of staying out of his way. I hated him Aunty Brig. Simply seeing him at a distance was enough to make me cringe. I never made close friends with other boys either. To me they were all the same and quite honestly, most are. In high school at least."

She suddenly giggled. "Near the end of grade nine I went to the rose garden at school one day to pick a rose to put in the library when he walked up to me. I saw him coming towards me and I bent down to pick up a clot of soil. I was ready to defend myself against him. Why he did it I don't know but he reached for me and I hit him in the face with the clot. It shattered into his eyes and he fell backward into a rosebush as I ran from the garden. I heard him scream something at me but I was running and didn't hear what he said." She shook her head. "I think it was the last time I saw him before the other day at University when he walked into me in a corridor. I couldn't believe it. Why did he have to pick the same university as I?"

Brigitte chuckled. "Closest to home. Same as you I guess."

Julie shook her head and giggled again. "You have enough money Aunty Brig. Please send him to Uni in Timbuktu?"

"Really?"

"No, not really," Julie grinned. "We need to get over this. Peter will only tolerate our childish behaviour for so long before he locks us into a room with weapons."

"You like him a lot?"

"Yes Aunty Brig. He commands a lot of respect even as young as he is. If most men in the world were like Peter, this rock of ours would have been heaven."

Brigitte pulled Julie to her and they embraced. "I love my son Julie and I think he is the greatest young man out there. I nearly lost him and I still have nightmares about that fire. I also love you child. I missed you terribly. I never knew you stayed away from me all these years because of Harry. I blamed Henry and his senseless hatefulness toward your father."

She sighed heavily. "Because of that our marriage almost ran aground a number of times but because of Harry we kept it together. The night after your attack on him at the waterfall he was strangely happy and confided in me that he never realised just how miserable he was. Now I know why he was so miserable. I also saw something that night but he needs to tell it to you. It is not for me to do"

Julie stood still for long seconds before she pulled from the embrace. "How is your.... your marriage?"

Brigitte pulled her into her again and hugged her hard. "Thank you for caring Julie but it is just great. We drifted but after the fire we realised how deeply we love one another. Henry changed a lot in a few short weeks. So much so that he easily admits to how much he respects your dad. It is a sorry pity that it didn't happen many years ago."

"We cannot reverse time."

"No Julie but with a little honest understanding and the ability to forgive and let go, we can prevent a continuation of things that happened in the past."

"You want me to...." Julie started and Brigitte laughed.

"No Julie. I was speaking about us, the angry elders. But speaking of it. If Harry asks, do you think you will be able to forgive him?"

"I'm still trying to understand how he could do what he did. As I said earlier, there is this mountain between us. It is made of disappointment and ache and hate and.... I dunno. To forgive him I may have to climb over it and if I get to the other side. What will I find?"

"What would you like to find Julie?"

Julie shrugged. "I don't know. Understanding? Peace? Happiness even?"

"Tunnel to the core Julie. All of this started at a point and that point is underneath your mountain. Not the other side because from there it will look the same. Find the point where happiness is buried under all this hurt, hate and unhappiness. Bring it to the light and the mountain will crumble for it will have no foundation."

Julie looked up at the stars. "Go forth little warrior," she whispered.

"What was that?"

Julie sighed deeply. "Go forth little warrior. Find your dragon and run it through with your sword."

"Where does that come from?"

Julie chuckled. "It is what Peter said to me just before he left yesterday. It is what made me come to Harry's room today." She gave a mirthless chuckle. "Maybe the dragon lies in wait for me still and my sword is sheathed."

Silence descended between them and slowly they walked back to the hospital. Henry had long since fallen asleep on his arms in a darkened cafeteria and Brigitte gently shook him awake. As he lifted his head his eyes fell on Julie and he smiled.

"I thought you had gone back to the farm and left me here," he joked and kissed his wife. "Harry is sleeping. They turned him on his stomach again and fed him gallons of pain killers." He turned to Julie. "He asked for you. Will you be able to visit him tomorrow morning?"

Julie looked around helplessly. "I had no plans for that. Mommy is going to visit her aunt tomorrow. Daddy will need the truck. Will you come pick me up?"

Henry looked at Brigitte. "I have to be at a co-op meeting tomorrow morning."

"And I have to be at Catherine's birthday party. I guess I can cancel."

Julie swung her arms. "I'll walk."

"Will you really?" Henry asked shocked.

"We need to talk uncle Henry. He cannot come to me, but if he so desperately wants to speak to me I'll have to come to him and I will but once he leaves this hospital he will owe me. Big!"

Henry chuckled. "I'll swing by tomorrow morning early with our spare truck. I guess you can drive it?"

"I'm a farm girl uncle Henry. We drive tractors when city kids learn how to stay on skateboards. Thanks. It'll work for me."

***

It was late when Julie parked her mother's car in front of the house and softly crept inside noticing a light inside still burning.

"You're late Julie?" she heard her father's voice from the lounge the moment she stepped into the house and almost screamed with fright.

"It has been a long night Daddy." she breathed once she got some air back into her lungs.

"How's Harry?"

Julie stood looking at him and a faint smile curved. "Let me go and get my food from the room and I will tell you."

"It is in the microwave. Just heat it up."

While Julie stood waiting for her food she gave a short version of the night's happenings and then as she sat down to eat she gave Johnny a long look before tapping on her plate with her knife.

"I hate Harry for what he did to me."

"Don't. He's not worth your hate."

"Do you hate uncle Henry?"

Johnny looked hard at her. "No, Julie. I do not but the anger I carry towards him is deeply rooted. He came to me the day after Harry's accident and explained what he had done and why, begging for understanding. I guess I have to understand and sometimes I try but I fail. What he did to me and Peggy is like a mountain between us. I can forgive him for what he did to me but what he did to Peggy can never be forgotten or forgiven."

"We both have a mountain Daddy. Mine is made of disappointment and hurt and anger. Yours?"

Johnny chuckled. "I am only angry. Peggy was deeply hurt and that makes me even more angry." He shook his head. "If I could garner some respect for the man I may be able work on it but even there I find myself at a loss. Harry damaged you and he never intervened. Instead he protected and supported him."

"They never knew Daddy."

Johnny stared at her. "Really? Were they stupid?"

"No Daddy. Amongst others, they were blinded by the animosity between the two of you. Everything that happened was blamed on it. Even Harry's bullying at school. But they never knew he singled me out as badly as he did. You never told them either. Both Harry and Uncle Henry maintain that he would have danced with his butt on fire if they had known."

Johnny looked at her with his head at an angle. "Am I to blame?"

"No Daddy. You supported me. You taught me how to work on my hurt and anger. It made me strong. Yes, it hurt and still does but I owe it to myself to get out of it. I fled from Harry but now that I turned and faced him I found a strength in me that I didn't know was there. He says he is a coward. Maybe he is. I will find out but I know I am strong. And as much as it hurts to think about it, he made me strong because you used the pain coming from him to strengthen me.

Johnny sat looking at her with questions in his eyes. "He's a coward?"

"He says so."

"Will you go into a burning house?"

"I don't know. I doubt it."

"If it was your child?"

"Yes definitely."

"You may think so. Fire is a terrible thing Julie and brave people have turned from loved ones being burnt alive because of the fear of pain. He went in, not even knowing where to look for the kids or how many there were. Yes, luck was with him but he saved one and then stayed behind looking for whatever may have been there not even sure if there was another. He also saved the little dog before the fireball."

"Daddy?"

"The day Henry came around to beg my understanding I told him that I was surprised at Harry's bravery. I told him it was unexpected but I also said that bravery such as that was rooted in a conviction of support. There are other things that lead to bravery but many of those are only skin deep. What I mean by this is that somewhere things were done right."

"Do you think it is possible to forgive Uncle Henry?"

Johnny chewed on his lip. "You have a reason to ask that."

"I have to forgive Harry to find peace in myself. I don't expect you to forgive Uncle Henry because the situation is so much different but I just need to know."

"Forgiving someone may seem easy. I can say I forgive him but that would mean I also have to forget what had happened. I can never do that."

Julie nodded as she got up to rinse her plate. "Aunty Brig and I had a marathon chat tonight." She chuckled. "That is where the time went but she said something I never would have thought of."

"And that is?"

Julie leaned over her father's shoulders and spoke from behind his head while hugging him. "I have a mountain of hurt and anger Daddy. I never thought about it that way but the reason it exists is because of a core. It is built on something. My mountain, almost like yours, may just stand on a core of something beautiful or ugly. We have no idea. Unless I find it, I will never know what the core is. Your love for Peggy was beautiful. Harry was my world. I loved him more than anything. If that love is still there, all I need to do is find it and bring it back into the light and my mountain of misery may crumble in on itself."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow! I asked Aunty Brig if I should climb over my mountain to find what is on the other side but she said the other side may look exactly the same and told me to tunnel to the core. Tomorrow I am going to tunnel." She stood up and did a quick pirouette. "I know not what I may find oh father of mine but I will tunnel until I find the core."

"I hope it doesn't break your heart."

"That is possible but at least then I will know the core of it and I may be able to move on."

Johnny got up and hugged his daughter. "You have a spade of your own conviction. Go tunnel if you want to."

"Go forth little warrior," Julie grinned. "If anything ever happens to me I want that as my epitaph."

"Where does that come from?"

"A remarkable young man called Peter Bristow."

***

Julie was pacing in the garden the next morning when Henry arrived in a car she didn't know. She called to him and he hurried over to her.

"I need coffee," he grinned.

"Weren't you supposed to be at a meeting already?"

"In an hour Julie. I need coffee and a lift back home."

Laughing she took his hand and pulled him after her. "I'll make some. Want a rusk?"

"I skipped breakfast."

"Okay. Two then?"

"Make it four. Your mom already left?"

"Long ago uncle Henry. She actually wanted me to go along but I wormed myself out of it. My dad is at the stock pen down by the river."

"Tell me. Are you and Harry okay now?" Henry asked as Julie put the mugs down on the table.

She sighed. "No uncle Henry. Far from it."

"You're trying."

Julie sat down and took a sip of coffee. "Am I trying? Maybe it appears like it. I have to make peace with him for my own sake. Once that is done we may be able to move forward. Forward to where, I have no idea but I want this to end. Somehow."

Henry twirled with his teaspoon. "I hope you don't mind but Brigitte told me some of what you said last night. I'm sorry Julie. I told your dad that I failed in almost everything because of my vindictive hate. I didn't know that I had failed you as well. I should have known something was wrong when he stopped coming here to play with you but then again, new friends at school...."

"That is what happened."

"New friends make you move away Julie. It should not lead to what he had done!" Henry searched her eyes. "Did he ever hurt you?"

"He broke my heart so many times I will never be able to count."

"I mean physically?"

"Never. He and some of his friends sometimes picked fights with other boys and it was bad but he never touched me or any other girl."

"He almost got expelled."

Julie nodded. "I know. When he beat Tommy Frey to a pulp in grade eleven."

"You knew?"

"Knew what?"

"Well, about it and maybe why he did it."

"I knew about it." She chuckled. "Everybody knew about it. It was the biggest thing in school for weeks."

"Do you know why he did it?"

Julie shrugged. "Tommy had a fight with a girl by the name of Jennifer and he hit her."

"Why did Harry get into it?"

"I don't know. I didn't see it start. I'm sure Harry can tell you."

"Even at that time he refused to tell me," Henry snickered. "Due to the fact that Tommy had hit Jennifer I could play it down as chivalry from Harry's side but it took some serious pleading. The fact that Tommy was in grade twelve and considerably older and bigger than Harry also helped."

"If I may ask. Why is it important now?"

Henry shifted uncomfortably. "I am proud of my son Julie. The fire was but one incident where he did things to make me proud. I never knew the level of the thing with you. Last night I felt like going to the hospital to rub salt into those wounds but I realised that I was as much to blame as he is."

"Give us time uncle Henry. In some way we will get this behind us. Once we are there we will see about the future. I hope I can travel in the same car as he without looking at him and feel anger bubble."

"Like at the waterfall?" Henry chuckled and laughed as Julie turned crimson. "That was a first class black eye Julie!"

"I'm sorry Uncle...."

"I loved it!" Henry laughed. "By what I was told he deserved it many times over. I hope he took it like a man?"

"Meaning?"

"Did he run? Turn away? Defend himself?"

"No."

"Was he angry?"

Julie went a shade more crimson. "He stayed with me and walked me home. No, I don't think he was angry."