Talisman of Hate

"And what is that Mr Know-it-all?" Julie asked with a taunting smile.

"You know it."

"Know what?"

"That you still love him. Under that hatred he is still your Superman and also your rock. You need him."

Julie jumped up from the chair. "That is preposterous."

Peter chuckled. "Prove me wrong Miss Julie. He used to be your enemy and that made you strong. Now that he is not your enemy anymore, there is a void. A void you pack full of hatred to prevent yourself from looking into it because deep inside you know that once you look inside, your strength will be questioned."

"For two years, after he left town, I was almost happy and if it...."

"Almost happy," Peter grinned and got up to stand before her. Gently he took her face between his hands and kissed her on her forehead. "Go forth little warrior. Find the monster that makes you unhappy and run it through with your sword."

Julie pulled away and stared at him. There was a compassionate smile in his eyes even though it had a load of begging in it as well. She fell against him and whispered; "You confuse me Peter."

He chuckled as he squeezed her to him. "On the contrary Miss Julie. You confuse yourself."

"Can I be part of the cuddle huddle?" Blanche softly asked from the door and Julie laughingly took one arm away from Peter to invite her in.

As Blanche put her arms around both, Julie giggled. "Please take Peter away from here Blanche. He's messing with my brain."

"Its his party trick," Blanche laughed and squeezed tighter. "Harry is in high spirits. He has to get out of bed tomorrow to start moving around. Something to do with stretching the new skin to prevent it growing back tight and also to get his body to just get going again."

"What does it look like?" Julie asked and got a raised eyebrow from Blanche.

"Maybe you should go and have a look?"

Julie shook her head. "Rather not. I'm not a curious monkey."

"You are a concerned friend," Blanche said softly and Julie took a deep breath.

"To you it is just sooo easy."

***

While doing a little studying the next day, Julie heard a car stop at the house and she looked outside to see Brigitte get out of her car and walk to the house. She heard her call and listened as her mother hurried to the door, smiling at the joyful greeting. Not long afterward she was called for coffee and she joined the women on the veranda.

"Harry went for a walk this morning," Brigitte said happily. "He was so happy to be on his feet again and didn't want to return to his bed but after a while the exertion turned painful and he had to lie down but that smile was stuck to his face. Last night Jimmy and Craig came visiting again. They couldn't stop talking!"

Julie rummaged around in her memory but could not place the two names. "Jimmy and Craig?" she asked with a frown and then felt her castle crumble as Brigitte turned to her with surprise.

"The two boys he saved Julie. You met them?"

"I... I'm sorry aunty Brig. For a moment there I was.... lost. Of course I met them. Two cute little boys."

"Very," Brigitte laughed. "To them Harry is bigger and stronger and faster than Superman."

Julie found her chest tightening as an awful thought flashed through her mind. Peter had said a lot of things. He had said Harry was her Superman. He also said she was making herself ill. Most of all he told her to burn her hatred. What he never said was the big truth. The one thing she would never have admitted. She was selfish. All that mattered to her was her hateful hurt and anger. She nursed it within herself and carried it around as a Talisman to use as she liked when she liked. So selfish that she never made the time to really take note of the two boys. Two innocent little kids she carefully shunned because they thought Harry was something special. She had said hello to them but never had a conversation with them. What had they done except idolise Harry? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

She needed to get away and quickly drained the last of her coffee. "I need some exercise," she lied. "Will you please excuse me?"

Brigitte smiled and nodded but Charlotte curled her eyebrows at her. Julie knew her mother could tell she was lying but was not going to make anything of it. Yet.

At first Julie simply walked. Her mind was busy with a tug of war and she aimlessly walked simply to walk. At one stage she looked up at the mountains and her steps firmed up. Not long after that she was walking briskly and eventually she started to jog. Breathlessly she slowed down to navigate the steep and winding path leading to the crags and with joy making her face shine, she skipped to the edge of the pool below the cascade where she stood, arms spread wide, breathing in the coolness of the spray.

At first it was simply a soft tune but then she breathed deep and started to sing. She loved singing and it always calmed her. Even when she was small she could find joy by singing. She sang. Hymns, love songs and a number of pieces of opera areas. After a while, as always, she started to sing Plaisir D'amour. She loved the song and sang it easily. As she started to sing she turned to the spot where Harry had stood watching her that fateful day and she could hear Peter say; "Go forth little warrior."

Her voice cracked and dejectedly she stopped singing. Listlessly she went to sit down on a boulder and just sat there, staring at the water falling from the cliff, high above her. There was an alcove to her right and she looked that way, feeling a million memories. Slowly she came upright and with a smile and a frown, she walked there. Inside, tucked away in a corner was their little house or what remained of it. The roof was long gone and yet the walls built with pebbles held together with clay was mostly still there. Carefully she picked up the pebbles that had fallen and carried them down to the stream where she washed them. It took her a while but she found their clay mine and with trembling fingers she used a stick to dig out some which she kneaded in her hands, adding minute amounts of water to get it to just the right consistency.

Back at the alcove she carefully rebuilt the walls, twice causing old brittle clay to give way but she doggedly kept at it until all the walls were up again. There were times she was smiling. At others she giggled but more than once she had to stop working to stop crying. There were just so many memories built into the little walls. Most were joy but there were those that simply carried too much pain.

How they had made the little roof of the house she could not remember so she simply braided some soft grass leaves to use as rope and with sturdier grass stems she fashioned rafters, tied together with blades of grass. Once the roof stood by itself on the ground she tested it for fit and after some adjustment, she added shredded leaves of reeds to cover it.

As small children it had taken them weeks and many failures to build it. She also remembered kicking down the walls in a tantrum when Harry couldn't put in a window. Once again tears flowed as she remembered the hurt in Harry's eyes before she walked away in a huff only to find the house almost completely rebuilt the next time they went there. She never said sorry. She never thanked him either. In fact, she couldn't remember even acknowledging his effort. The little house became their haven. Harry found a piece of flat bark and it became the bed. A square stone was the stove. Over time other pieces of wood, bark or stone became chairs, tables and even cupboards. It was their secret place where they played the games made of imagined wishes. It was also the place where they experienced the wonder of discovering the differences between each other's bodies.

She smiled at the memory of innocence, staring at the spot where she had attacked Harry. She had kicked down the walls of their little house. Harry forgave her, rebuilt it and it was never mentioned again. He had heard her sing. Peter said that he was mesmerised. She vented her fury and she knew that she hurt him. He had a black eye but what happened deep inside? Instead of retaliating he had kept her safe when she succumbed to her outburst. Vaguely she remembered him playing with her hair while she recovered. He had walked with her, keeping her safe. She never thanked him.

She turned to the little house and put her hands together. "Tonight Harry Cliffendale, we will talk. I will ask you to forgive me for what I had done. All I ask is that you explain to me why you wanted to destroy me."

It was dusk when she walked into the house and Charlotte looked around at her and chuckled. "Muddy walk?"

"No Mom. I was at the crags. Last time I was there I killed a monster. Today I built a home for it to shelter in."

Charlotte turned around and stared at her daughter with surprise. "Is it a nice house?"

"Yes Mom. I think so."

"Dinner will be ready soon," Charlotte smiled. "Want to go clean yourself?"

"Can I borrow your car Mom?"

"Hospital?"

"Yes."

"Want me to keep food for you?"

"Leave it in my room. I have no idea when I will be back."

"Visiting... "

"I may overstay Mom. I have a thing to do. Wish me strength for I do not know what may happen."

"Harry...."

"Mom. Harry was a monster. He singled me out. Why? Today I realised that I was a monster to him a few times as well before he turned on me. I need to know why he tried to destroy me. There had to have been a reason. Maybe when I know I can kill my dragon."

Charlotte beckoned to Julie and as they embraced she whispered in her ear; "If you find a way to forgive, please tell me."

With a sniff they broke the embrace and Julie went to get the keys to her mother's car. On her way to town she often found herself holding her breath and started singing softly to ease her nerves. She was early for the start of visiting hour and she whiled away the time by walking in the hospital garden, toying with ways to start saying what she had to say. With ten minutes to go she glanced around the parking lot for Henry or Brigitte's cars but could not see them and with a shrug she steeled herself and walked inside.

Except for a few startled stares at her mud speckled and stained clothes, nobody paid her any mind and she got to the door of Harry's room where she came to a flustered stop. Now that she was there she doubted herself and wished that there was someone, anyone there to just hold her hand. She took a deep breath and reached for the door, only to drop her arms to her sides as her nerve broke. She was reaching for the door for the umpteenth time when the Cliffendales came walking around the corner in the corridor. Brigitte saw her and almost broke Henry's ribs with the force in which she stopped him and they quickly turned around.

"Julie trying to go in?" Henry sighed in a question and Brigitte giggled.

"We will be fashionably late tonight." She grabbed Henry's hand and squeezed hard. "I hope they can make peace Henry. I adore that girl. Let's go to the cafeteria and have something.

Behind them Julie bit on her fists and made small jumps on her toes before taking a deep breath. With eyes closed she pushed at the door and with hands trembling she walked to Harry's bed after closing the door behind her.

She had been told that Harry was lying on his stomach to ease pressure on his burns. To her consternation he was lying on his back with large plastic backed sheets beneath him and her original opening sentence flew out the window. She had planned to say something and see how he reacted but now that would not work. He would see her. The only thing was, he was asleep.

She stood there looking at him. He had lost weight. He had bandages around his head and a stubble beard made him look even more gaunt. His chest was mostly bare, showing the pink scars of blisters that had now gone.

At last she gathered the nerve to say something. She took a deep breath.

"Harry?" she almost whispered and saw him stir. His eyes opened and for seconds he simply stared at her before turning his head to look around the room, obviously searching for the others that normally filled his room every day. He heaved a deep breath and he grimaced as something hurt before he batted his eyes a number of times.

"Julie?"

"Yes Harry. It's me."

"You came?"

Julie found a grin. "You asked," she said nervously and stepped closer. "How do you feel?"

She saw his chest heave at speed as he fought a bout of emotion. It took a while before he trusted his voice and gave her a lopsided grin. "Every day and in every way I am getting better and better. Thanks for coming."

Julie nodded and looked through the window at the darkness outside. Faintly she could see stars and a few streetlights, fighting the darkness. In here there was light...

"I found our little house," she said hoarsely and saw him jerk his head up. "Most of the walls were still there so I simply cleaned the pebbles that had fallen off and stuck them together again with clay from our mine." She sobbed suddenly. "It even has a roof again. I could not find the furn...."

Her breath left her as she saw tears in Harry's eyes. "I have the stove and one cupboard at home in my bedside cabinet," he said with a thick voice. "I took it home when I found ground squirrels had taken up residence in it."

"You were there?" Julie gasped.

Harry's mouth contorted in a heartbroken smile. "I went there many times over the years Julie. I saw our little house crumble and repaired it a number of times. I even studied there sometimes."

"Why Harry?"

"Why? Why what?"

"Why rebuild it?"

"It was our little house. The animal was forbidden to go there."

"Animal?"

"The one I had become. There at our little home I was still Harry, the friend who missed you in my life." His voice thickened. "Many times I left little letters there, hoping you may find it and know that you ...."

"Why Harry?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you do it? After the waterfall you promised to tell me and begged time to do it when the time was supposedly right. You could have died in that fire and I would never have known why someone I loved turned into a monster to damage me!"

"Cowards are awful Julie. I am one."

"You nearly gave your life to save two boys you didn't even know. That was incredibly brave Harry. How can you be a coward?"

Harry chuckled mirthlessly. "When the two of us were at school we were always together. Remember? We always played together. We always ate together. Where one was, the other was sure to be close by. One day I became the butt of jokes from the other kids because of you and I turned on you in an attempt to show them I was a big boy. I didn't have the guts to stand up to them and defend our friendship."

"You kept on doing it for years Harry."

"It became a habit. The more I did it, the more ways I found to hurt you. I hurt you to protect myself from my own cowardly hurt. There were times I wished I could change but I guess peer pressure made this coward buckle. My dad hated your dad and I actually thought he would be proud of me." He chuckled. "Today I know that if he had found out what I did to you he would have tanned my hide."

"How could you do it Harry? You were my hero and I...Oh God...."

"What is it Julie?"

"I loved you Harry." She raised her hands in claws."I loved you Harry. I wanted you with me. Always. Every time you had to go home I cried. How...."

"I loved you too Julie."

Julie shook her head. "You had a strange way of showing it. How many times did I wish to die or for you to die? If I had the rest of my life to do it, I don't think I would be able to tell you how much it hurt. It still does Harry."

Harry sighed a deep breath into him. "I have no idea how much I hurt you Julie. So many times I wondered how it must have felt but quite honestly I don't think I will ever be able to grasp the enormity of it. The way you came apart at the waterfall scared me. How much pain was driving that? As I said that evening, you never need to forgive me Julie. I don't deserve it. What I deserve is your loathing and if that is what I have to carry with me for the rest of my life, then let it be so."

"I hated you Harry."

"I hated myself."

Julie pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat down near his feet. "Do you remember me kicking our little house down?" she asked leaning forward, searching his eyes.

He pulled a pained face. "Because of a window."

"You rebuilt it."

"I kicked it to pieces first."

"But you rebuilt it."

Harry nodded. "After I arrived home crying, yes. Mom took me back to the waterfall and we gathered all the pebbles together. She helped me to rebuild it while explaining that I needed to understand that you didn't do it to hurt me and that I should understand that and forgive you and never say anything about it again."

"I never said sorry."

"No, you didn't."

"I never thanked you either."

"No, you didn't," Harry chuckled.

Julie leaned forward. "I never realised just how much it may have hurt you. Yes, we were kids but I remember you crying when I walked away. Today, while I rebuilt it I realised that I had been a little monster myself and yet you forgave me."

Harry lay against the pillows and stared at her for long before he smiled slightly. "Are you trying to bring our sins together?"

Julie shook her head. "I don't know what I'm trying to do. Today at the waterfall I decided to confront you. In my own way I had been selfish. I used my hatred for you as a weapon. Months ago Peter lost his temper with me and said the two of us should be put into a room to fight this out. I asked for weapons not realising that I was already wielding my own weapon. My selfish hate was my warmonger's gun room."

Harry sighed. "After our thing at the waterfall my mom and I had a chat. I remember saying that hate runs its course but regret never lets go and I firmly believe that. I will regret what I had done to you for the rest of my life Julie. It will never leave me."

"Even if I find a way to forgive you?"

Harry looked at her with wonder. "Even if. As I said at the fork that day. People plead for forgiveness. Be that for their so-called sins or something they may have done to someone and then expect it to just go away. Just this 'poof' and all is well. And even worse is that many simply do whatever they did again and get quite uppity when tasked about it because they were forgiven and it should never be mentioned again. Clean slate. Like a bully beating his wife or kids. He is the one pleading for forgiveness, promising never to do it again and then simply goes at them again.

"You were my personal bully Harry, and you came with barbs and spikes that inflicted terrible pain. Will you do it again?"

Harry jerked upright in the bed and Julie saw his eyes bulge as the covering over his back pulled away with a soft ripping sound. With his mouth wide open he took a shuddering breath and then groaned it out with his eyes closed, grimacing in pain and gritting his teeth.

"I'm sorry Harry!" Julie cried and jumped up from the chair to get near him only to stand there looking lost, not knowing what to do. With horror making her feel sick she saw what his back looked like and the shock made her burst out in tears. She nearly touched him but turned away to the window where she stood crying.

"Julie?"

She tried to stop her crying but it took a while before she could turn around again to look at Harry still sitting upright, away from the covering sheets, now crumpled at the small of his back. His eyes were still in slits because of pain.

"Harry?"

"I need two things...." he gritted

"Yes?"

"First, I need you to believe me. I will never say or do anything to hurt you again. I told you so after the waterfall and I mean that with everything in me."

"Yes?"

"The other one is.... Please call a nurse. I think I need help."