Talisman of Hate

"You know son. I loved Peggy so much it hurt but I never told her so. When she died in that beggar's....." His voice trailed off and he sat there staring at his son's body, burnt so badly that chances were he may die. Die for the sake of two children he most probably did not even know. Should he be angry at the children or their parents? Why? Thoughts clashed and churned but out of it a single piece of awful he had kept bottled for so many years burst forth. Peggy had died thinking he hated her. The fact that he was angry at her for going against his wishes caused what? She died and he never had the chance to tell her that he had made a mistake. That he loved her. He wanted her to have the best life possible on this earth and that being with Johnny could have meant that she may never have the money to go on that sailing trip around the world she always dreamt of. He despised Johnny, yes. But why? He looked up at the roof and loudly he admitted it to himself. "Johnny is ten times the man you are Henry Cliffendale."

He turned his full attention to Harry and reached out to him, almost touching. "I joked when I said I would forgive Johnny for being what he was if that ginger root grew. I know it will never grow but that is of no concern. Even if it simply rots underground, I need to go to Johnny and get this thing between us out of the way."

He sat there looking at Harry's back gently moving with his steady breathing, hearing the heart monitor beeping its monotone and smiled. "As soon as I know you are out of danger I am going to Johnny and get this out of the way." He sighed long and hard, tapping on the side of the bed. "Peggy's farm belongs to him. It is time...."

By the time the nurse ushered him out he had talked himself out of bottled guilt, anger and false pretences he had carried with him all his adult life. He had a happy smile as he came to sit next to Brigitte and pulled her close for a deep kiss. Her surprise showed but still she clung to him.

"How's Harry?"

The peace Henry had felt next to Harry's bed still hung around him as he took Brigitte's face between his hands again and gently kissed her before just staring into her eyes. "He is going to be just fine my love."

Her grip around him tightened. "How do you know?" she asked with just a slight tremble in her voice.

He actually chuckled. "Because I know. Between the two of us, we created a strong young man. A little burn? Bah! It will take a lot more than that to put him down."

"You seem strange Henry."

He nodded. "I may be. While inside I spoke to Harry and somewhere I started washing my soul. In there I realised that I married the most incredible woman to walk this earth and I wonder how I deserved you. Because of that bout of cancer I could never father the daughter you always wanted but I am sure Harry will one day bring someone home to be a daughter to you. Peggy died, possibly thinking I hated her...."

"Henry, don't...."

"Let me finish please Love. How many times have I tortured myself with the image of Peggy crying because she missed me, thinking that maybe I hated her and because of tears in her eyes, she left the road? I blamed Johnny. I moved my shame and anger to him. I hated him. I despised him. I tried to ruin him and you know why? Because of my own guilt..."

"Henry...."

"I even nurtured a hate in Harry. He used to love being with little Julie when they were kids but somewhere something happened. I don't know what but he suddenly became nasty to her and later to other kids. I should have stopped it but because of my hate, I gently condoned it and maybe even goaded him on. I know of things that happened that should never have happened but Harry took his lead from me. Many times there were incidents at school where Harry and his friends should have been expelled from school but I fought it and succeeded because I saw to it that large sums of money regularly found its way to the school. Expel my son and the money dries up."

He saw Brigitte nod her head and bite her lip. "What is that supposed to say?" he asked with a soft smile.

She looked up at him and her eyes had a pleading look in them. "Harry knows that. He bullied her terribly. He told me about it after she attacked him at the waterfall and they..."

Henry sat up straight. "She attacked him? How dare...."

"Shush Henry," she admonished firmly and from her expression he knew from past experience that he was stepping on eggs. "Do you know that Julie studies at the same University as Harry?"

"No."

She nodded. "Thought so. Harry's shame and remorse is a load he has to carry by himself and unless something calamitous happens, he will never tell you about what he had done. After Julie attacked him, your son made a remarkable discovery and even though he has never said a word about it, I could see it in him." Henry waited for her to continue but she just sat there smiling at him.

"May I know?" he prodded.

She put her finger under his chin and pulled him to her as her eyes twinkled. "When he walks out of this hospital, look at our son. If you cannot see it, you really are blind."

Henry sat there shaking his head. "Women are confusing."

"Men are blind."

"Maybe so. May I know about Julie attacking Harry?"

To his absolute astonishment she laughed as she fell against him and pulled at his ear. "Remember the last week of the first break?"

He shrugged. "Not really. Why?"

"Harry had a black eye," she giggled.

"He laughingly refused to tell me how he got it and I let it slide. If a man sports a shiner.... What?"

Brigitte giggled. "Harry tells that Julie was singing at the waterfall when he arrived there. When she saw him she attacked him."

Henry was incredulous. "Just like that?"

Brigitte pursed her lips with a question in her eyes. "Do you for one moment think that she would have attacked him," she snapped her fingers, "just like that?"

Henry shook his head. "I guess not but why?"

"Ask your son Mr Cliffendale. Ask him. I don't know why it happened but I have my guesses after he had spoken to me. He may tell you but I want you to do something. Today. Not when Harry's out of hospital. Not when you feel like it. Not when the moment happens. Today."

He sat back with raised eyebrows. "And what is that?"

She smiled. "You take me for breakfast because I am faint with hunger and then I want you to go to Johnny. Try and clear the air between you. I actually like Charlotte but the animosity between the two of you and your senseless hatred prevented me from befriending her."

He sat there looking at her and she could see the hesitation but eventually he nodded, got up and peeked into the ICU, spoke to the nurses and then they left.

"I told them we will be at the hotel and then home. If they need us they can phone us there."

"Home?" she asked surprised. "Why?"

"You need a bath," he grinned and yelped as a small fist connected with his ribs.

"Do I smell stale?"

"Definitely beyond your sell by date."

She gasped. "Really? We're going to the hotel for breakfast and if we smell like two nags..."

"By now just about everybody in town knows about Harry and that we have been at the hospital all night. All they will want to know is how he is doing. No-one is going to ask about your perfume of the day."

Brigitte chuckled and then laughed softly. "We suddenly seem to be happy. Yesterday I felt the world had ended."

"Knowing that Harry is going to be just fine is enough to make me laugh and dance," Henry grinned at her and she leaned against him.

"You're convinced?"

"I know."

To their surprise they were mostly left alone in the hotel's restaurant. The manager came round, asked a few pointed questions about Harry and after that it seemed that everybody went to him with their questions, leaving them to have their meal largely undisturbed.

"I wish Peter was here," Henry mused as he sipped his coffee. "He's like Harry's older brother and I think he will need to be close."

Brigitte nodded and sighed. "Just think. Normally Harry would now be with Peter and Blanche."

Henry looked up at the roof. "Yes, and we would have been slightly concerned for their safety on the road. Instead Harry ended up being burned."

She grabbed his hand. "Two children would have burnt to death. As strange as it may sound but knowing what I know now, I am thankful Harry stayed behind."

Henry nodded and crooked an eye at her. "I heard Julie went with him?"

She grinned. "The reason your son stayed behind... Peter held forth that Julie had never been to the sea but I know it was because of the animosity between our kids. If Julie decided to vent her anger in the car while they were travelling it may have led to a bad accident."

"That bad?"

"Ask your son."

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Because I only have second hand information and even that is preciously little. And also. Harry needs to tell you himself."

An hour later Henry got out of his car at Johnny's home. Charlotte was standing in the door and she hurried towards him as she recognised him.

Her last steps faltered as she stammered; "Harry? How....How is..."

Henry took a step nearer and folded her into his arms, feeling the stiff back before she relaxed ever so slightly. "He is going to be fine Charlotte. He burned badly but we trust that he will recover sooner than later. Where's Johnny?"

She pushed away from him and looked at him long and hard. "He is down at the dairy Henry. What do you want with him?"

He stood there with pursed lips and then sighed. "I need to make peace Charlotte."

Her eyes were big as she turned around and walked away, pointing downhill to the dairy leaving Henry in turmoil. He needed help here. His every instinct told him to run and give time a chance to make things better but he also knew that he had this to do, even if it killed him.

Arriving at the dairy he found Johnny wrestling a heavy pipe that was obviously giving him a hard time, refusing to go into the channel it was supposed to go. Without saying a word he grabbed hold of it a little distance from where Johnny was and got a surprised look before Johnny grunted with a heave and with the stability afforded by Henry's added weight, it slid into place.

With the pipe in position Johnny turned around and looked at Henry with a perplexed expression before holding out his hand. As they shook Johnny asked; "Is Harry...."

Henry nodded. "He is going to be fine Johnny. He is badly burnt but he will recover. I need to speak to you."

Johnny looked at him long and hard. Henry could see different emotions crossing his face but at the forefront was distrust. "What about?"

Henry took a deep breath and scratched through his thinning hair. "You, me, Peggy, Charlotte, the farms, our kids...."

Johnny leaned against a crate. "Okay, but let's get a few things straight. You and me. We never saw eye to eye and likely we never will. Peggy is dead. Nothing can bring her back. All we have left of her are memories. The farms? You have yours and I have mine. Our kids...." He sighed. "Julie could be emotionally scarred because of Harry's years of bullying. Bullying he got away with because you protected him...."

"I know..."

Johnny dropped his gaze. "You know...." he said monotone. He shook his head and then looked at Henry. "I doubt if you know. I don't think you have an inkling of what had happened. You were too busy being the big boy around here."

"I know."

Johnny looked out a window. He idly wondered if it would be possible to ram Henry through the opening. If he said 'I know' once more he was going through that window but yet he turned to Henry once again. "What is it that you know Henry?"

Henry looked around as if trying to find support before he spoke. "Everything you said is true..."

"Damn right."

Henry simply nodded. "All of this stems from one single thing Johnny. I admitted this to myself this morning while sitting next to Harry's bed. I had to speak to him while he is in a shallow coma. The doctor.... Strange how honest you can be with yourself when no-one can hear." He scratched his chin and looked at his feet. "You are.... You are ten times the man I am and I hated you for it. It was small of me, I know, but once it started I had no way of stopping it. Instead I kept on adding to it. What you may not fully realise is that I kept on failing because of it. I lost Peggy.... No, we lost her. I lost Charlotte to a better man. I kind of failed at farming as well. Was it not for the size of land I inherited I would have gone down long ago. Most of all, I failed at being a dad to my son. Allowing him to be a bully and quietly aiding him was possibly my biggest failure because I failed in guiding him."

"And now?"

"I don't really know Johnny. Harry could have died in that fire yesterday and most probably many people in town may have whispered that he deserved it for what he had done to other kids. Sad isn't it?" Johnny nodded and Henry carried on. "Peggy is gone. Regret and remorse gnaw at me every day. I would gladly give everything I have to just be able to tell her I am sorry for doing what I did to the two of you. Just to see her smile...." His voice cracked and he turned away. With his back to Johnny he fought to get his emotions under control. "I loved her more than life itself Johnny. I would have given my life for her and yet I sacrificed her for my own sense of inferiority. You know I blamed you for her death but it was simply another way I piled my hate on you.

"When Charlotte left me for you I wanted to murder and yet I knew we did not fit and she never made a secret of it. She never allowed anything beyond a close friendship between us. If she left me for anybody else it may have been okay but for you? The times I walked to your house to do something terrible I don't even want to remember. God, I was angry. You had taken the two women I loved."

"Brigitte is an awesome woman Henry."

Henry swung around to face Johnny again. "Yes, she is. When the kids were small she doted on that girl of yours but I had to fail that as well. I know Brigitte still wishes for the daughter she never could have and if I had been less of a...a..."

"Asshole?" Johnny chipped in and Henry gave a sour smile.

"Thanks, I was trying for something stronger."

Johnny shrugged. "With no effort I can think of dozens of terrible things to call you but you didn't come here to listen to me calling you names. Please carry on."

Henry sighed."Brigitte could have had the joy of Julie in her house, even if she was not her own but by my actions she was kept away. There I failed my wonderful wife and, I think, Julie."

Johnny held up his hand to stop Henry. "So, you failed. We all do at some point. Harry is in hospital because he was brave. Brave beyond anything we can even try to understand. I.... Well okay, I firmly believe that bravery is not instinctive but rather a subconscious knowledge of support and genuine pride in what you are. I will never forgive you for what you did to Peggy. I will never condone Harry's bullying and like Charlotte, I may harbour anger to the end of my days but somewhere I feel you did something right with Harry. Admittedly I was surprised when I heard he had done something brave. It was unexpected."

Henry could only nod. "I guess I should take that as a huge compliment?"

Johnny gave him a lopsided grin. "It is the only one I have for you."

"It is unexpected," Henry grinned and in spite of himself, Johnny had to laugh.

"Tell me about the fire please Henry. So far we only heard that Harry had gone in and saved two kids and that he got burnt."

Henry took a deep breath. "May I beg a cup of coffee? I am dead on my feet and then I can tell you with Charlotte present."

Johnny gave a resigned shrug and pointed the way to the house. "My time is limited but I guess I can convince Charlotte to make us some coffee. Any particular poison you prefer?"

"Huh?"

"You're not her favourite person Henry and neither is your son."

"Because of Julie?"

"Well, for Julie it is Harry I guess but for us it is you. I loved Peggy deeply and nearly went off the rails when she died. I didn't need you saying and doing things to make it worse. Charlotte had to work on my anger and she knows things you do not. Be warned. You are not popular."

Henry kept on walking but didn't say anything again until they came to the house. He did not miss the surprise on Charlotte's face when Johnny asked for coffee. Neither did he miss the sight of the massive ginger plant in the beautiful garden. The hurt crawled up his spine until he felt he could melt. How could he have done this?...

He had his coffee, filled them in on Harry's condition and as he left he stood looking at the garden. "Peggy's legacy," he said softly and turned to his hosts. "We've been neighbours for something like twenty five years and I've never been here before. May I walk through the garden?"

Johnny shrugged. "Feel free. It is what we have of Peggy."

If Johnny had kicked him in the nuts it could not have hurt more. Johnny walked off to the dairy again and Henry slowly walked through the garden. He could almost feel Peggy every step of the way and he had trouble not cracking up. The exhaustion from the previous night made him a soft target for an emotional breakdown and it was with a super human effort that he kneeled in front of the ginger plant, running his hands along the large leaves. He spoke to Peggy as if she was there, begged her forgiveness and somewhere it became too much.

Charlotte turned from the window where she had casually watched his ambling walk and eventual kneel at the plant that could have kept the families together. She had seen him speak and she saw him break down. Saw the tears roll down his cheeks, his mouth contorted in abject misery. She saw the shaking shoulders and almost felt pity. She watched him gather himself and walk to his car and shook her head at the folly of hate.

Henry reached home and found Brigitte in a deep sleep on a couch so he had a shower, got dressed and went to sit down to wait for Brigitte to wake up. When she did, she found him fast asleep in his favourite chair and shook him awake. In consternation they got things together to get back to the hospital, chastising themselves for being late. Just as they ran out the front door the phone rang and they skidded to a stop, looking at each other with shallow fear.

Henry ran inside while Brigitte stood clutching the top of the garden gate, feeling waves of nauseating fear wash over her. As most people do, she softly prayed but it ended in mid-sentence when she heard Henry laugh.

"That was Peter. The kids are on their way here," he grinned as he came up to her again. "Julie phoned home a while ago and Charlotte told her about Harry."

During the evening visiting hours Johnny and Charlotte stunned the Cliffendales by turning up with comfort food and real farm coffee in a thermos. At first the conversation was stunted but the women slowly worked their way around the obstacles in their respective relationships by the female ability to dance around problems, making it seem insignificant, even if it wasn't. The men had a tougher time of it. The things separating them were much more substantial and apart from an almost friendly greeting from Johnny and an embarrassed smile from Henry, little was said between them until near the end of visiting hour when once again the children's parents showed up.

Oblivious to the tension between the couples they first asked about Harry's condition and then animatedly went about telling everyone about the antics of the kids in their ward. It was inevitable that at one stage something was said that had everybody laughing and the hidden tension relaxed. By the time the visitors had to leave Henry found it in himself to walk up to Johnny and shake his hand.