Teenage Fantasy Ch. 03

"I guess that is something I do."

"Jake," Mabel chided before softening her tone, "I know I don't have any right to bring it up after what happened. I just want to know."

Inhaling deeply, Jake pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Tonya..."

Mabel listened to his pulse quicken and remained silent as Jake figured out what to say. She felt his foot shake the bed and his body tense in her arms. The moment reminded her of the drive to the lake. The way he'd spoken about her back then felt hollow.

"I'm gonna sound like an asshole," Jake finally said through a clenched throat.

"I thought you were a self-proclaimed asshole."

Jake gave a half laugh and said, "In a lot of ways, yeah."

"I just want to know," Mabel said, smirking and kissing his chest. "I won't judge your answer." She squeezed her arms around him reassuringly.

Jake shifted his jaw, thinking back to his time with his ex. He didn't realize how much he'd blocked out the memories until he was forced to confront them. Everything felt tinted with anger now, but even then, he couldn't pinpoint what it was that made them stay together for so long.

"Tonya and I..." Jake took a deep breath. He tried to process his thoughts but could only come to one conclusion. "I didn't like Tonya."

Mabel furrowed her brow. A million questions arose from his answer, but she refrained from asking. Instead, she waited for elaboration.

"When me and Tonya started dating, it was... expected. Everyone wanted us together, so we got together."

"So you didn't want to date her?"

"I don't know, I mean," Jake exhaled. He struggled to find an explanation. "Mabel, when I'm with you, I'm not counting seconds. Talking to you can be about anything, and it's not a one-sided conversation about other people's bullshit. It's just me and you in the moment, and I enjoy it.

"With Tonya, I never felt..." Jake swallowed and said, "connected to her. We hung out with the same people, and I guess to everyone in the school we were the perfect couple, but I forced myself to spend time with her. When I was with her, I always wanted to be somewhere else. I never felt the same way about her as I do about you."

Mabel took a deep breath while listening to Jake's explanation and heartbeat. His words sparked a complicated fusion of guilt and endearment. They sat in silence for a while before she quietly responded.

"My mom always tells me that guys just want to have sex and then leave. I've watched men use her and her use men, and I thought that's what sex is: quid pro quo. I prepared myself for that exchange with you. I thought you would just discard me."

Jake couldn't help the pang of pain that stabbed through him at her words.

"I couldn't figure out what the exchange was, so I reasoned that I was just a rebound, which would make sense after I caused you and Tonya to break up over the video."

Jake shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut. "Mabel, I didn't break up with Tonya because of the video," he admitted. "I broke up with her the night we came back from the lake."

For a moment, they both didn't breathe. Jake waited anxiously for Mabel's response, not releasing the breath locked in his lungs.

Mabel failed to take one. His revelation shocked her. She replayed the events of that Monday in her mind. When Tonya confronted her, she said it was her fault.

"Oh, my God," Mabel breathed.

"I should've told you," Jake said, "but I wasn't expecting what happened that day. I was so fucking pissed, but more than anything, I was worried about you after seeing you like that at your house. That Saturday, when you asked me why I broke up with her, I just... you already thought everything was your fault; I didn't want to add to that."

"She must've thought we'd slept together," Mabel said, more to herself than to Jake, as she fit the missing pieces together. "She probably assumed you broke up with her because she thought we had sex since I was wearing your shirt."

"Wait, what shirt?"

"The Zeppelin shirt you gave me at the lake, I had accidentally worn it that day. I mean, I guess I know what she called me, but I didn't think she really thought we had sex. I mean, not then."

"I told you I'm an asshole," Jake confirmed, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

"What, why would you say that?"

"I wasn't honest with you upfront. Everything you're going through right now is my fault, Mabel. If this... changes things, I understand."

"What would it change?" Mabel asked.

"Everything," Jake responded, "you probably... hate me."

"That's not true," Mabel refuted. "I don't feel that way."

"How do you feel then?"

"I," Mabel sighed, trying to figure out how she felt. Everything had changed—not her feelings for Jake but her understanding of the situation. She thought of her encounter with Tonya in the bathroom, and involuntary consternation swam through her stomach. Pushing past it, she recalled Tonya crying by the sink. Mabel realized now that she had been heartbroken. "I feel bad for Tonya."

"What?" Jake felt bile burn his throat. "After everything she's done to you? Mabel-"

"She was hurt," Mabel interjected. "We both contributed to that."

"I could've gone about it better when I broke it off with her, but what happened that day and what she did to you is unforgivable! Mabel, this is not your fault."

Mabel nodded, chewing her lip as she contemplated everything she'd just learned.

"I feel the same way, you know?" She said softly, bracing herself on her arm and looking down at him.

Jake's stomach flipped. Was she going to end this? "What do you mean?"

"I've never felt with anyone the way I feel with you." Leaning in, she cradled his cheek in her palm and gently kissed his lips. "Thank you for telling me."

Why wasn't she mad? She had every right to be. Yet she laid her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. If it had been the other way around, what would he have done? How could she think Tonya was somehow the victim in all of this? She never ceased to confuse him, leaving him guessing at every turn. She was able to look past the pain he had caused her. It seemed too good to be true. Still, he wouldn't make her have to do this again. He wouldn't be the cause of more heartache.

Mabel lay against Jake's chest and stared at the curtain-clad window. Through a slim opening, she could see the night sky. There were so many stars, and it reminded her of the night at the lake. She'd wanted nothing more than to be with him, and now here she was hiding from the world what she'd wanted so desperately—all because of the events that were set into motion that night. What a contradiction.

She knew Jake blamed himself for everything, but even after his confession, she still couldn't find him at fault for any of it. Instead, another thought pervaded her mind—she didn't want this to end. Any suspicion that Jake had hidden motivations was dispelled by their time together over the weekend and the things he confided in her. It made it harder for her to justify hiding their relationship. She couldn't, however, proceed with Jake until she fixed her newfound reputation as the class whore. He'd already been suspended because of her, and she wouldn't jeopardize Jake's chances of graduating any further.

After all, her understanding of the events of that day was still accurate; she had caused this by wearing his shirt. What had truly changed was her perspective. She thought of Tonya and tried to place herself in her shoes. A crying girl heartbroken by the guy she loved seeing his shirt on another woman. Would she have come to the same conclusion? Would she have responded the way Tonya did?

She wasn't sure, and an additional layer to the events of that dreadful day, which seemed to never leave her alone, was added. Her body was tired, and Jake's was warm and comforting. Soon, she couldn't keep either eye open enough to view the stars. Still, as Mabel wafted off into slumber, she was certain of one thing.

She needed to talk to Tonya.