All Comments on 'Temptation of the Seas'

This story somehow fails to make the most of an interesting scenario. It is well thought-out and the sex is nice but somehow it does not do the level of imagination justice.

I suspect the problem lies with the narrative style, which to be honest reads like a high-school essay. There is also the issue of the sudden introduction of important information (such as the wife passing out, the squirting) which are somewhat clumsy in execution.

Still, a good read if a bit of a struggle to make it to the end. A bit of dialogue, rather than straight third person narration would lend some intimacy and engagement to what might have been a brilliant piece of work.

Please write more. Does he do her ass?

I'm sorry but your prose style is utterly boring and unnatural. Vary your sentences.

He did this. She did that . They did something. BORING!

The plot exists. The characters seem to be an afterthought. The execution could have been better. In current form, it is uncannily similar to a low budget porn movie. The storyline is completely missing. Hope to see part 2 better written.

I liked the idea of the story. I do agree with some of the comments, it can be spiced up a bit by changing the way the writing is done. You did say its your first story, and you are lucky because this is a true story. No writers block for you. There is no need to create anything because its all there already, you just need to let your mind run free and be creative with the wording. Personally i tried to live myself in the mind of Bree, adding what i think she would be thinking. She sounds like a woman that loves intimacy and isnt afraid to explore.. Well tell us about her, share her thoughts. Jenny is almost a 3rd wheel from what I derived? If that isnt the case, shift some focus on her role too.

The only other thing i would add are the details.. In one paragraph you described what the one girl wore.. Im a feet man, so reading the peep toe heels got me going. Now im sure not everyone has the same fantasies, but adding as much detail as possible(without making it too boring) will help everyone envision the story better. After all, we are using our imaginations to draw the pictures ourselves, dont leave us with just a black pen to draw the mona lisa

always love to read true stories. Please continue

"strike up a conversation with a telephone poll"???? how about telephone pole?

There may be a lot of theories about art and writing, and when you open yourself up by offering a story of your own, the critics come out of the woodwork. Some of the critics are writers and some are just keen, avid readers. They can offer good advice. There are some valuable suggestions below but don't let any criticism keep you from writing. Some comments you will get are just rubbish. Since all comments are not created equal YOU get to decide what to keep and what to take out to the curb for trash day.

Please continue writing. This was a fine start.

Thanks again for sharing.

loved the story please do a follow up

Xxxxxx

Reads like fun! Wish I were there.

Enjoyed it obviously, keep writing, l'll keep reading!!!

Medicalpete