Th Boarder or Was It

So that I didn't have to have a difficult conversation, I did what a lot of people did and buried my head in the sand. It worked perfectly for four years, but now the pigeons had come home to roost.

As we walked through the park, I could almost see the steam billowing from her ears. She was angry. "Leah, stop." I called, and she ground to a halt in front of me.

As I caught up, I said, "You're right. I lied to you. I'm sorry, I should have been honest right from the start."

"Why?" she asked, the frustration evident. "Why didn't you tell me the truth?"

"Because I was young and stupid. You were my first real love and the only relationship I've been in. Yes, I know you had several, but I didn't. I lied about how I felt because I was scared I'd lose you. I was prepared to do anything to keep you. I flaming love you. I love you with all of my being."

"God sake, Luke. This isn't about love, it's about being honest with each other. You let me make a life altering decision and now I find out it was based on a lie. How do you think that makes me feel? It's like, what else are you lying about."

We stood staring at each other, I could see the anger oozing out of her. "Do I know you at all?" she growled softly.

"That is the only lie I have ever told you." I said guiltily.

"Oh yeah, what about when you agreed it would be nice if we found a nice couple that we could share with?" Her eyes narrowed. "What about that?"

"Okay, so two lies."

"You see, how do I believe you? It seems you use lies every time you need to right the ship. Is that your approach every time we have a difference of opinion."

"No, we bloody argue. Jesus, you're holding something against me that happened before we were married."

"No, I'm angry because you lied to me." Her eyes were like lasers burning into me. "Do you think I would have married you if you didn't have the same beliefs as me?"

"I don't know, would you?"

"No, I wouldn't. I need to know we're on the same page with our life choices. I like the idea that we were free to have sex with other people. I am comfortable and confident in our marriage, or at least I was."

"I don't know what to say, Leah. I don't know what you want me to do."

"I want you to be honest. That's all I have ever asked. Shit, Luke. Over the last four years we have talked dozens of times regarding this. I introduced you to Teylene, the woman I met through the PTA, and I said then we could try to get to know her and her husband better, see if we were all on the same page. You bloody agreed with me. What would have happened if they were into it?"

"But they weren't," I mumbled in my defence.

"At the time it seemed weird because she indicated they were. Now I'm thinking maybe they saw through you?"

She turned and stormed off home, leaving me staring at her back.

When I got home, I could feel the temperature had fallen ten degrees, at least. I found the girls in their room bawling their eyes out. "What happened?" I asked.

"Mum yelled at us. We didn't even do anything wrong."

I gave them a cuddle, and then we went out and I found them some muffins, and milk. That's when Felix walked in waving his hand over his mouth as if he had eaten something really hot. "Holy shit bro. What happened?"

"Where is she?" I asked. Going by what he said. I didn't think he even knew. "Leah and I had a disagreement. Seems like she's really taken it to heart."

"Mate, she stormed in, screamed at me, then yelled at the kids. She jumped on her bike and she was gone, bro. I mean, gone."

"Thanks Felix." He sat with us as the girls calmed down. "What the hell was your fight about?"

"I'm not sure myself at the moment, mate. It was pretty heated."

For the rest of what was left of the day, I had to stay with the girls. Felix went off to play football with some of the other teachers. Leah walked in about five. The moment she walked in the girls ran out up to their room.

Leah, glanced at me. "Bugger, are they mad at me?"

"No, more scared than mad. They didn't know what they did wrong. You have a fence to mend there. Be mad at me, but don't take it out on them."

She grimaced. "I'm sorry. You're right." She sauntered off to talk to the girls as I finished off dinner. I looked in the girls bedroom to find them all cuddled together. At least they were talking rather than crying.

"Dinner's ready," I said softly.

Over dinner, the girls found their bubbliness, and laughter prevailed, although there were some furtive glances between Leah, and myself.

Leah was reading the girls a story after their bath, and I was cleaning up when Felix walked in. Yesterday, we were mates, and today I disliked him. Okay, hated was probably closer to the truth. He was pissed though. He stumbled in and threw his arms around me. "Hey bro, how's it hanging, you guys still at war?"

"Nah, all good." I couldn't help it, I needed to find out what he knew. "Mate, has Leah said anything to you lately?"

"Nah, nothing out of the ordinary." Then he gave me a penny dropped sort of glance. "Bro, has this got anything to do with her and me cuddling on the sofa the other night?"

"Yeah, in a way."

"Oh fuck, dude. Shit, I'm sorry man. Fuck, you gotta know. I'd never hit that. We're buds, right..."

"Yeah, I thought so, but you guys were pretty cosy."

"Ahhhh mate... No way, dude. We were just chilling. I'm sorry... I'll get outa your way."

He went up to his bedroom and was gone from sight. Leah walked out just as I was walking into the lounge with a bottle of my passionfruit wine. Leah walked over got herself a glass and joined me.

After pouring us both a glass, she reached out her hand and we clinked glasses. "I'm sorry I blew up, Luke. We need to talk this through."

I nodded. "I agree. Tell me, did you talk this through with Felix? I get the impression he knew nothing about it."

"No, not in so many words. We've been getting closer, and I sensed some interest and I wanted to test the waters. I had to talk to you before I actually did anything." She glowered. "I wasn't going to cheat; things like this only work if everybody is on board."

I nodded, as I sipped my wine. "Wow, this is actually pretty good."

She giggled. "Hell yeah, it's awesome."

"So what happens now, Leah?"

"I don't know, I'm pretty disappointed. I thought we had always been honest with each other. It hurts that you couldn't be truthful with me."

"I was scared that if I told you how I felt you wouldn't marry me."

"Surely you must have realised at some point this was going to happen. I was pretty clear. I didn't want an open marriage, but I wanted one where the strings weren't tied tight. I like the idea that we were free to investigate our sexuality."

"Okay, I want to talk about that. What exactly does that mean?"

"I want us, both of us, you as well as me, to be able to express ourselves sexually with no fear if either of us find somebody we like. I'm not talking random people. It has to be somebody we both like."

"Why, Leah, just explain that to me. Is our sex life lacking in some regard? Because if that's the case, let's talk about it. I'm open to learning and trying new things."

She shook her head, somewhat in frustration, and a little disbelief. "Do you think there's something missing?"

"No, I am happy, that's why this caught me off guard. I thought you were, as well."

She nodded, and the smile returned. "I am. Like I said earlier, this isn't about fixing something that's broken. It's simply having a little extra fun. Only marriages that are absolutely rock solid survive open boundaries."

"If you're happy with what we have, why risk it?"

"Luke, there is no risk. Not from my perspective. I have total confidence in us..."

"Jesus, Leah. There are so many things that could go wrong."

"No, there's not. If we are both committed to each other, there's nothing we couldn't overcome."

"So in your mind we just accept each other's decisions. I just go to bed at night as if nothing was happening while you shag Felix in the next room. Is that how your idea of respect works?"

"Yes, if the roles were reversed. I would go to bed hoping you had a wonderful time."

"See, that's where I think our philosophies differ. I think if you really love somebody, you couldn't do that. You couldn't just lie there."

"Why, for god's sake? Because it bruises your ego, or because I belong to you? Nothing that happened between Felix and I would reduce my respect or love for you."

We went round and round, saying the same things over and over. We were getting nowhere. In the end, she simply said, "Luke, if you aren't open to this, then I think we need to maybe have a look at who we are."

"Is that like an ultimatum? Either I let you have sex or it's all over?"

"Call it what you will. I married you because not only were we perfect for each other and I loved you with all my heart, but we shared the same philosophies. The same ideas on love. Now I find out you've been lying to me. So yes, I suppose it is an ultimatum of sorts."

She leaned forward and emptied the last of our bottle of wine into our glasses and drank hers quickly. "Luke, I'm going to bed. I would like to continue talking about this over the next few weeks and hopefully find a solution."

She stood, and held her arm out. "Come on, babe. Lets not be angry. Make love to me."

I thought about it for, oh I don't know, a nano second before standing and taking her hand. Yeah, I could have protested, but what did that achieve? Nothing, that's what. I would have spent an uncomfortable night sleeping on the sofa and I would have missed what turned out to be one of the most passionate sessions of lovemaking we had ever shared.

Lying together afterwards, our bodies glistening covered in that thin layer of perspiration, our hearts pounding, searching for oxygen for survival, we recovered. With our breathing returning to normal. Leah whispered, "I love you, Luke."

"And I love you," I responded.

We did talk about it again, in fact over the next week we talked of little else. She was right, and I knew it. I had been living a dream land. I think in the back of my mind I always knew this moment would come.

It was impossible to offer any logical argument. In the end I had to bite the bullet and say "Okay, if that's the way you want things to be then I guess we cross our fingers and hope for the best."

My secret hope was Felix, who really was a good bloke, would simply say no. We were mates, and we got along fine. So I just hoped he would say no.... Yeah, what a great plan. Leah may not be a spectacular supermodel beauty queen, but she radiated sensuality. She was flirty and happy-go-lucky. People were attracted to her.

All was quiet for a week. Yeah, I caught them snuggling on the couch a few times, but nothing more. Then one night I got home and found them again in an intimate embrace. This time they were kissing and it was steamy.

Felix saw me walk in first and freaked. He almost leapt off the couch. "Shit, sorry bro."

I was as stunned and just stood there staring at them open mouthed. It was Leah who spoke first. "Felix, chill, babe. Luke knows, we've talked about it." She turned staring up at me with a challenging expression. "Isn't that right, Hon?"

Felix stared at me, then down at Leah, then back to me. What was I going to say? No... I had hoped for more time, but here it was. "Yeah, Felix. Leah told me. You may as well sit back down."

He wasn't sure, there was doubt in his eyes, as well as fear. "Are you sure, dude. I don't want to get in the middle of anything. I'm not gonna be the cause of a divorce."

"No, you're okay." I glanced down at Leah. "I take it tonight's the night?"

She nodded. "Yes, if that's okay?"

I turned and walked away up the hall. "I'm going to shower."

I stayed in the shower for a long time, hoping in hope they would be in his room when I walked out. With fresh clothes on, I walked out to the kitchen to get my dinner. Unfortunately they were still pashing up a storm on the couch.

As the timer on the microwave ticked down, I heard the moans of pleasure and my stomach tightened. All of the expected emotions were there, anger, jealousy, self loathing. That's the one that hurt the most. I had agreed to this, and that hurt...

When the timer pinged, I extracted it and sat at the table. At least I couldn't see them. I just wished they'd turn up the volume on the TV. With my fork hovering over my roast chicken, Leah called out. "Luke, Hon. Could you come in here for a moment?"

I walked in slowly, like a condemned man walking to the gallows. Standing in front of them I looked down at Leah questioningly, and she said, "Could you please tell Felix you're okay with this. He doesn't believe me. He is concerned that you're going to break down his bedroom door and kill us both."

Trying to keep my anger in check, I muttered. "Felix, I already said I knew what was going on, okay?"

"Luke, we're mates. I'm not doing this if you are gonna be mad at me. You know, the bro code and all."

I shrugged. "It is what it is Felix. You do what your conscience tells you is right."

I walked back to the dining room to finish my dinner. I heard them pashing it up for a few minutes, then Leah called out. "We're going to bed, okay, Hon?"

"Yeah, whatever," I muttered.

She walked in, and gave me a sad pout. "Don't be like that Hon. Come on, we agreed didn't we?"

"Look, Leah. I said it was okay. What more do you want from me. I'll accept it, just don't expect me to do it with a smile."

She sighed in frustration, leaned down and kissed me. "You're making this into something it doesn't have to be. I had hoped you would want it to be a positive experience for Felix, as well as me. We are all friends."

"I'm trying, that's the best I can do."

"Thanks, Hon, I know this is hard for you to understand. Relax, we won't be long. I'll be in bed snuggled with you before you know it. If you can just chill, you might enjoy it. Good night, Hon."

Once she was gone, I finished my dinner, but it wasn't sitting that well. I paced around the lounge, walked out the back onto the porch hoping the cool night air might take the edge off. Instead, it was my turn to freak out. Felix had his bedroom window open, and I heard them having sex, the loud moans, the grunting, the bed squeaking under extreme duress.

"Fuck it," I mumbled. I couldn't stay in the house while they were going at it. Checking my phone, it was only nine thirty. I decided a walk down to the pub was in order. Kelly's bar was where I usually went when Leah and I decided on a date night. Tonight, I just needed to get out.

It was a thirty minute walk, and the Autumn evening air was brisk. In some ways, that was good. The cold kept my mind off what was going on at home. Walking into the bar made me feel weird. I'm not one to frequent pubs. I didn't really know anybody. I ordered my beer, and sat watching a replay of a rugby game showing on the big screen.

There were about fifteen to twenty others in the bar. I listened to them complaining about fuel prices, the government and lots of jokes about wives, a couple saying they were gonna cop it when they got home. I drank my beer, and ordered another. That went down pretty easily, so I got another. At eleven, the barman kicked us all out. I was feeling a bit wobbly, but didn't want to go home. For the first time in my life, I was scared to go home. I wandered around the town, staggering a little.

As I wandered around, a car stopped beside me. "Hey, Lukey, is that you mate?"

Glancing in the car window I saw an old work mate. "Hey, Lou. What are you doing out this time of night?"

"We're on our way to a party. What about you?"

"I had an argument with Leah. Just got kicked out of the pub."

"Then jump in, come with us. If you're already in the shit. You may as well be right in it."

I jumped in, the other guys in the back moving to make room. The party was pretty raucous for a week night, but I was past caring. It must have been one O'clock in the morning when my phone buzzed. "Hello," I spluttered.

"Luke, where the hell are you? I have been looking for you everywhere."

Lou grabbed the phone from my hand and yelled into it. "Hey Leah. Don't worry, he's with us. I'll look after him." There was a chorus of laughter from those around us, even a couple of cheers.

"Luke, where are you?" she asked, her voice cold and irritated. "Are you at a party somewhere?"

I was drunk enough to not care, and the bitterness flowed easily. "Don't fucking nag me. Not after what you've been doing. I'm having a few drinks with some mates. Don't wait up." With that, I disconnected the call. Lou got me another drink and tried to cheer me up. That wasn't happening. I had really had enough. The piss was just making me depressed. I staggered out, and the good thing was the house wasn't far from home.

Stumbling in the front door, I found the house in darkness. Feeling miserable, I flopped down on the couch. My tiredness and the drink meant I was asleep before I knew it.

The darkness disappeared, and my eyes bulged. My youngest daughter Jewel was bouncing up and down on my stomach. "Daddy, wake up. Mummy said you would be late."

Grabbing her and holding her in a tight embrace to stop her bouncing. I whispered, "Good morning, princess" I kissed her as I swung my legs over onto the ground. I rubbed my eyes trying to clear the fuzz. Checking my watch and seeing the time, I yelped, "Shit, I am late."

I kissed Jewel again and rushed to the bedroom to change for work. I was back out and running for the door when I spotted Leah carrying a large bag. "You better have this; it's some food." Her other hand held my coffee cup. As she handed them over, she said coldly, "We will need to talk tonight."

I was still conflicted about this whole situation, and she was in my bad books, so there was no kiss goodbye or I love you for her.

The day was one of those days you wish would just end. Everything hurt, my head pounded, I was running late and had to cancel some appointments. It was a shit day from hell.

It was later than usual when I got home, the girls were in bed, and for the first time in a while, there was no Felix. Leah jumped up when she saw me walk in, and she met me by the kitchen. "You're later than usual."

"Yeah, bad start just got worse as the day went on. Sorry."

She opened her arms for a hug, but sensing my reluctance, she screwed up her face. "I don't even get a hug?"

I opened my arms as well, and we fell into a tight embrace. Our mouths met, as always happens in a cuddle like this. I heard her moan softly into my mouth. As we parted, she sighed happily. "Now that is better. You shower, and I'll get your dinner heated."

When I came out, she had opened another bottle of the new passionfruit wine, and there were two glasses poured.

"That's not going to last long if we keep drinking it like that."

She giggled as she did, a mixture of girly intent and playfulness. "I know, right? It's addictive. You need to make more."

As I picked away at my food she asked. "What happened last night?"

"Leah, I couldn't stay in the house while you and him were going at it. That room we never renovated. It has no insulation. It didn't matter where I walked, I could hear you, and the bloody headboard kept banging against the wall. God knows how the girls slept through it."

She winced at that, and mumbled her apology. "I know you don't think this is a big deal, Leah, but I couldn't stay here and listen. I went down the pub. Met Lou, and he dragged me off to a party. I'm sorry I was late home, but if you want me to be honest. I was scared to come home."

"Why?" she gasped.

"Because I didn't know what I'd find. Were you still in his bed going at it like horny rabbits. Were you in our bed? If you were, what would I say? It was all too scary. I hated it."