Th Boarder or Was It

Her brow furrowed, and she sulked. "Oh, I see."

"What about you, did you have a nice fuck? Did Felix rock your world, make you come over and over did he?"

She stepped back, shocked a little by my vitriolic attack. "Luke, you don't have to be mean. Yes, we had fun."

"Good for you. From now on. You can fuck the little twat as much as you want because I'm moving out. I've had enough."

She staggered backwards a little and leaned against the wall for support. "Leaving, huh? I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. You are not the man I married, or thought I married. Your poor little ego, your bruised pride. Shit, Luke, you're so insecure and possessive, so rigid and unable to open up and express yourself."

"Yeah, whatever," I muttered.

"Shit, you must have been an awful selfish child. You can't share anything. If you're not prepared to even try, then maybe leaving is the right choice. I don't want my children poisoned by that sort of toxicity."

"Yeah, I think so too. Thanks for the good times, Leah. Enjoy life with the little twat. I hope he lives up to your expectations."

I walked out and was already in the van when she came and stood beside the door. "What about the girls, or don't you care about them either?"

"I want joint custody, and I'm prepared to fight for that."

I started the van and she hissed. "So that's it... After four years you're walking away because I wanted us to share?"

"Yes, if that's what you want to call it. You can do what you want now, Leah. You wanted freedom, well now you have it."

I ended up at my workshop. It was only a ten minute walk from home. My office space was big enough for the camp stretcher. It had kitchen facilities and a toilet. It meant I didn't have to fork out for a motel.

The morning dawned and I was no clearer on how we got where we did, or what I was going to do. I went off to work filled with anxiety, and I guess depression. I felt like shit. It was lunchtime when my phone buzzed. "Yeah, what do you want, Leah?"

"I'm not telling the girls by myself. I expect you to be here tonight early. I'm not going to be the baddie. You left, I didn't ask you to leave. Your choice, you can tell them."

"Oh yeah, do you want me to tell them the truth? I'm leaving because their mother's a slut who can't keep her legs together. A faithless slut who fucked the boarder. Is that what you want me to tell them?" I screamed. The words just kept coming, I couldn't stop. "Yeah, your true colours finally emerged. You can call it what you like, but you are a slut, a cheap skanky fucking slag."

When I looked up, the farmer and his wife where I was working were just staring at me, mouths agape. I disconnected the call and tried to focus on work.

I made that many mistakes it was nearly six before I pulled into the driveway at what was now my old home. The girls came running and stumbling over to me, and I bent down to lift them into my arms. There were kisses and cuddles as I walked towards the house.

Leah opened the front door and leaned in for a kiss. After I put the girls down, she said, "Dinner's almost ready if you want to join us?"

I shook my head. "No thanks. I don't want to get in Felix's, way."

She shook her head and her brow furrowed deeply. "Felix isn't moving in. He's nothing to me except a little fun. If you can't handle that, then it's your problem, not mine."

"You do what you want, Leah. I'm only here tonight to tell the girls."

"Coward, go on then. Tell them." She turned and walked back into the kitchen.

When I looked down at the girls, they may not have understood the words, but the emotions were clear.

"I'm sorry girls, but Mummy and I aren't getting along. I'm not going to be living with you any more." They burst into a torrent of tears. Serenity yelled, "We'll be good, Daddy, you don't have to leave."

I kissed her softly, wiping away her tears. "I'm not leaving because I don't love you, or Mummy. I love you all, but Mummy and I are fighting and it's not good for you. I'll still be around as much as I can. I want you to come and stay with me when I sort out a place. You'll have your own room. I promise, I'll always be here if you need me."

They both hugged me tightly. They swung from my neck as they held on for their lives. Leah watched from the kitchen doorway. Tears flooded her face as the realisation crept in. It was real, and it was happening.

When I put the girls down, they rushed into Leah's arms and they all ended up on the floor crying.

"Are you happy now, Luke? Is this what you wanted?" she hissed through gritted teeth.

"No, I never wanted this. Jesus, Leah, it's the last thing I wanted. All I ever wanted was to have you in my arms, and once the girls were born, that included them. I'm not leaving because I don't love you. I'm leaving because I love you too much. I can't stand to see that love fading as you walk all over it just for... What did you call it. A little fun..."

"Whatever..." she hissed. "If you're not staying for dinner, you better go. This is going to be hard enough."

I walked over and kissed the girls, who were still hanging onto Leah. She opened her arms and we kissed as well. "I still love you, Luke. Nothing that happened changed that. I love you as much as I ever did. I don't want you to go."

I slid down the wall behind me, and Jewel jumped unto my arms. "I don't want to go either, Leah. I just can't live the way you want me to. I see your Mum and Dad, and they're happy as pigs in shit. I'm not like them. Or you, for that matter. Every time you went to him chipped a little from my heart."

"What if I don't see him again?"

I nodded. "That'd be great, but only if that's what you really want. If you want what your parents have, then it won't work."

She didn't answer, which was answer enough. Driving back to my workshop, I kept replaying shit over and over, searching for a new approach. All I could think of was marriage counselling. Maybe that would work...

I was dying for a hot shower; I stank after a long day at work. I needed a plan, and I needed it fast. As I walked around the office space, I realised I could knock out the wall that separated the store room and build in a shower.

The next few days went by quickly and there was no contact with Leah. Saturday, I was working on my project to build in a shower when I saw Jake, Leah's dad come storming into the workshop.

I put down my tools and went to meet him. As we got closer I saw the fire in his eyes, the anger radiated from him. "Jake..." That's all I got out before his fist hit me smack in the face and I went flying. I felt my nose break and my mouth filled with blood. Lying on the floor, I tried to get up but Jake leaned over me. "You stay down there, you chicken shit little arsehole. How dare you run out on your family? Jesus fucking Christ. Have you no fucking sense of responsibility?"

I went to sit up and he leaned in close, his face centimetres from mine. "Those bloody girls love you, they idolise you. Now every fucking day they're bawling their eyes out crying for you and you're here sulking, hiding like a rat. Fuck, son, I thought you were a decent man. How the hell can you just walk away? Have you no heart?"

"I'm sorry, Jake, but I can't live with a woman who can't keep her legs closed."

He swung a hard kick which connected with my ribs, and I cried out in pain. "That's my daughter arsehole. You've been married for four years and she meets one guy. Get fucking real. You haven't got a clue. She fucking loves you."

He sat down on the ground beside me and mumbled into his hands. "She fucking adores you. Even now after you walk out on her, she still loves you. I thought you were a real man, not one of those possessive moralistic Neanderthals who think that they own their wives. Shit, who fucking cares if they have somebody else? It's just sex, son. Just sex."

"Yeah, well, I guess we have different thoughts on what that means. All I wanted was for her to be mine."

He stood back up, dusting himself off. He didn't hold back or try to disguise his disgust. "I guess I misjudged you, young fella. You are one of those narrow minded possessive dicks."

He stormed off, steam still billowing from his ears. I cleaned off the blood and strapped up my ribs. It hurt like hell, but I had work to do. That night, I had a separate toilet and shower room, a little kitchenette. It would do until I could sort out something more permanent. I needed to sit down with a solicitor and get some decent advice.

It's not like we owned much. The house was mortgaged. There was the usual stuff: furniture, and the business. That was it.

The solicitor did give me advice, coupled with a kick in the guts. I would be lumbered with maintenance, and I would have to pay out half of what the business was worth. Absorbing everything he said just rubbed salt in the wind. She was going to be able to live in the house; I'd be paying at least half the mortgage and child support and maintenance on top of it.

Yep, life sucked, and I missed the girls like crazy. That, at least, I could fix.

I phoned Leah, and she sounded despondent, as well. When I asked to see the girls, she said, "Come around on Saturday for lunch. I assume you've got nowhere to take them?"

"Actually, I was going to take them on a picnic, so if you could have them dressed and ready to go, would be sweet."

Saturday, the girls rushed into my arms, knocking me to the ground. I hugged them tightly, one under each arm. They cried. "We miss you Daddy."

"I miss you too, princesses." We rolled around on the ground, gigging and wrestling. When we sat up, I asked, "Where's your bags?"

"Inside, Mummy is getting some snacks for us."

There was no escaping facing Leah. We walked inside to get their bags.

Leah sighed, greeting me with "Hey Luke."

"Hey Leah, how have you been?"

"Shit," she spat back at me. "The girls miss you like crazy. They cry all the time. I miss you, the place is lonely without you."

She looked at me and saw my broken nose. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Nothing much, just a disagreement with somebody."

"Shit, I hope they look worse than you do."

"Nah, I'm no fighter, you know that."

"I do now." She laughed mercilessly.

"What the hell does that mean?" I grumbled back in annoyance.

"It means you weren't even prepared to fight for your family."

"Oh Jesus. Don't you dare say that. I tried, I put up with a lot of shit to try and make our marriage work."

The girls started crying, and we both realised we had slipped straight back into fighting. I grabbed the girls' bags, and said, "Come on. Lets get going."

"Where are you taking them?" Leah asked nervously.

"We're going out to Wakanui beach for a picnic."

"Don't be daft, they'll freeze to death out there."

"Nah, it's a nice day, by the time we get out there the wind will have died down."

The drive out there was a bit sad. They talked about Nan and Leah and how she cried all the time. That got their tears flowing. I decided to change plans and headed down to the Ashburton river mouth. At least there were toilets and it was a little more protected. Leah was bloody right again. It was freezing.

At least we warmed up running along the beach, and there was a rest stop among the trees where we could have our picnic.

When we came back into town, it was still early, so I took them shopping, and we brought some clothes and toys.

We drove in the driveway about four thirty in the afternoon, and the girls could hardly wait for the van to stop before they rushed inside to tell their mother about the day's adventures and show her the shopping bags.

I stayed just outside the door listening. Leah finally appeared and stared at me, looking confused. "What the hell are you doing standing out there for?"

"I didn't want to intrude. I don't live here any more."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Luke. This is still your home. Come inside, I was just getting dinner. If you want to stay, you can help."

I wandered in, glancing around nervously, expecting to see signs that Felix had been there. I found Leah in the kitchen and decided to help out. I could use a decent meal.

We worked just like old times. It felt great to be back in our home, working together.

As we worked, Leah asked, "So who busted your nose?"

"Your Dad, actually."

She was stunned. "No..."

"Yeah, he walked in and started swinging. Caught me off guard."

"Oh bugger. I'm sorry, Luke. I didn't know." But then she giggled, quickly covering her mouth with her hands. When I glared at her she looked up sheepishly. "Sorry..."

I chuckled, unable to stop myself. "No, you're right. It was pretty funny. He was bloody upset."

"No, he had no right to do that. I'll tell him to lay off. Shit, I don't know what happened. He's a bloody pacifist."

"I guess he thought he was doing the right thing. He was doing what he thought was right. I don't agree with him, but he was sticking up for his family. You leave him alone."

"You are his family, you idiot. He had no call assaulting you."

"Let it be, Leah. I would prefer he didn't know I told you."

Her face scrunched up as she scowled. "What are we going to do, Luke?"

I shrugged, not knowing the answer. "Divorce I suppose. Try and start again."

I heard her sniffling and slipped my arm up over her shoulder, pulling her against me. "You'll be okay. I'll still support you. I will have to organise a loan to pay you half of what the business is worth. You can stay in the house, but you'll have to pay half the mortgage."

She looked at me, and it dawned on me that wasn't what she meant. "I don't want to divorce," she said plainly. "I never wanted divorce."

"Then what do you want?" I replied sombrely.

"I want my family back."

"I don't know if it's possible, Leah, I mean, we clearly want different things from our marriage."

"No, I don't think we do," she said firmly. "We both love our girls, we both love our home and wider family. We share the same interests, we love the same music, we read the same books. There is only one thing we disagree on, and that's how open our marriage is."

"Don't you think that's a pretty big hurdle?" I said, the uncertainty making my voice waver.

"This is where we went wrong, Luke. This is the discussion we should have had before we married. If you had been honest with me, we could have found a solution."

"If I told you that I wasn't into the whole open marriage thing you wouldn't have even considered me."

"You're wrong, I loved you from the outset. All of those things I said about why we're perfect for each other are the reasons I fell for you. I saw my perfect partner way back then."

"How, pray tell, would talking about it have changed anything?"

"We could have found some common ground, and I would have made sure you went first. That way you'd understand. Sex and love are different. There's nothing to be scared of. If you were able to experience it for yourself, you would then understand."

Now I was confused. "How would you have achieved that, my love?"

"I'm not sure, but I wouldn't have slept with Felix until after you were comfortable with it. That was the mistake I made. I thought that once you realised it was just for fun, you would have been okay with it."

She pouted apologetically, her face full of sadness. "I'm sorry I pushed you. I didn't realise how anti you were. At first I thought you were just shocked because it snuck up on us."

We fed the girls and I bathed them and read them a story to get them to sleep.

When I got back to the lounge, Leah already had two glasses of our passionfruit wine sitting on the table.

"Are you staying tonight?" she asked straight forwardly, her eyebrows arched questioningly.

"Do you think that's wise, Leah..." I stated, although my dick throbbed and twitched a little at the thought of it.

"It's either that or I'm going to have to give Felix a booty call. I have sexual needs. If you're not going to fill them, then Felix will have to suffice."

"It was your sexual needs that got us where we are. The fact I wasn't giving you enough is why I feel so shit."

"God, you're so needy. If I only wanted more sex, that's what we would have done. You're way better than Felix. He's okay, but he isn't you."

"Then why the hell did you want to fuck him?" I snapped back sarcastically.

"I wanted different sex. Something different: spontaneity. The fact that it wasn't you is what made it appealing. It's like meeting somebody again for the first time. It's not because I needed more, or you weren't doing it for me."

We sat back together, our feet resting on the coffee table. "So, do I need to chase you off and give Felix a call?"

"No, I'm staying," I replied draping my arm over her shoulder, and pulling her tight against me.

"Thank god, because I'm horny as," she said giggling between sips of her wine. "This stuff is bloody good, you know. We should enter it in competition."

"Where?"

"Oh I don't know. I'm just saying. This is better than that cheap shit we used to get from the wholesalers."

"Yeah, maybe I could call it "Leg Opener"?"

She choked on her mouthful. Wiping the spray off her dress, she asked, "Why would you call it that?"

"Well, it opened your legs. Even if it wasn't for me." I said it flatly, humourlessly, Accusingly. I didn't mean to. It just slipped out.

She saw the sadness creep over my face, and replied, "I suppose it did. Poor Felix, he didn't know what hit him."

When her eyes fluttered vampishly, I couldn't hold back the smile. "Yeah, he must have thought all his Christmases had come at once. He certainly looked pleased with himself. Like a kid with a new toy."

"He was eager, I'll give him that. It was fun trying to teach him the fine art of cunnilingus." As the words fell out she started laughing. "Sorry, but he was hopeless. He treated it like a chore, rather than a delight."

"He does have a lot to learn then. It is one of my favourite activities. Maybe that's just because you taste so good." I offered, hoping it didn't sound as cheesy to her as it did to me.

"Flatterer, but you'll get your chance to prove that later. That was one of the fun bits. He was so young and inexperienced. I did enjoy teaching him."

Leah reached for the remote and turned on some music, flicking through the options until she found something light and soothing. She nestled in close to me, her head resting on my shoulder. "I love this, having you back where you belong. Where the hell have you been staying?"

"The workshop. I converted the office into a one-room flat. I even put in a shower."

"Shit, you were preparing for a long stay, then huh?"

"I don't know what to say, Leah. I'm still bloody confused. How do we make this work?"

"You know, if you'd taken Mum, up on her offer we wouldn't be having this fight. You'd know what I have ben trying to tell you. She would be your perfect partner. She loves you like family, and she's had a sneaky crush on you like forever."

"She has not," I spluttered.

"Luke, there are some things you are so unaware of. I remember the first time I introduced you to my parents. Mum said to me, "If you don't want him, let me know. I would love to teach him some things."

I think I may have blushed. When I peeked at Leah, she nodded. "Yep, that's right. She had the hots for you. She would never have done anything, except when she found out we were having some difficulties because of me and Felix. That's when her crush resurfaced. I saw it at that barbecue. She followed you around like a love-sick puppy."

"I didn't encourage her," I replied quickly.

"I know, it was sad. You totally ignored her. You crushed her."

After we finished the bottle, we went out onto the porch to smoke a joint from the garden. As we enjoyed the indica's relaxing properties, Leah asked, "Do you think the latest batch of cider is ready?"