All Comments on 'The African Princess'
by BJB69
- 9 Comments
Anonymousabout 4 years agoYou switched from 1st Person to 3rd Person partway through. Keep writing, and work on it.
Anonymousabout 4 years agoYou start out in the 1st person then switch to the 3rd person. It's very jarring.
cuckyboisissyabout 4 years agoEven in real life, some wimps get to make up for disappointments in early life..., nothing wrong with a bit of wishful thinking!!!
jharpover 3 years agoThe White Knight sympatry is strong with Mark. So strong it might be a super power.
Sir Galahadover 3 years agoAside from the change from first to third person, which is an elementary mistake, a little more description and greater intimacy in the sex scenes would improve this story greatly. It helps the reader if the author can get the reader into the characters' heads when they are having sex.
I also think you should have made a much sharper differentiation between their having sex, even buck-wild sex, and their lovemaking. It would have helped the believability of Michelle falling for Mark. Given her stated inability to form a relationship apart from the abusive one with Levon, you needed to make it clearer she knew she was falling for him, didn't understand why, but didn't care because it felt so right to her. Motivations count for a lot in anything but a stroke story.
The ending was also too abrupt. You should have spent a couple of thousand words describing the wedding (and both sets of parents reacting to an interracial marriage; I can see an interesting couple of scenes with the mothers at the reception table and the fathers at the hotel bar agreeing that it's a little shocking but hey, as long as they're happy ...) and the wedding night before you had the high school snob and nerd settle down to happy domesticity, children, continued slutdom and willing obedience, etc. It works better if you let the readers down easily instead of dropping them with a thud.
