All Comments on 'The Babysitter'

Very nice. Please continue.

Two things.

The story is completely unbelievable.

If he's under 55 this is the wrong category.

I can always tell when a young writer tells a story like this because I once thought 30 was old just like you. I gave it 2 stars because you were brave enough to submit something, even if it misses the mark.

A thankfully brief assortment of disconnected sentence fragments.

Well, I am not young, so you don't know anything. I did try and write it as the main character would, so maybe you should go back and give it 3 stars. Also the older couple is supposed to be more than twice the girls , to me, that:s mature. I don't give a f#$k what you think about that. Chapter 2 is coming tomorrow. That'll give you a chance to review it and seem like an idiot again.

Forget that coward (all anonymous commenters are cowards) who only wants to read about senior citizens with young girls. I’m over 60 and I find that gross! The vast majority of stories here usually have an age gap of 15-30 years.

As to the “sentence fragments” comment, there were some grammatical errors (one I hope to fix) but it wasn’t that bad.

I thought your dialogue was crisp and fun and the characters relatively believable.

You need, however, to lean how to punctuate dialogue:

"I thought I smelled something delightful." He said.

Should be:

"I thought I smelled something delightful," he said.

Here’s a quick primer https://www.indeed.com/career-advice/career-development/how-to-punctuate-dialogue

Oh, and if you eat “desert” you’re eating sand.

Thanks for the input. FYI I like getting comments, good and bad. I wish they were more story based but what are you gonna do. Maybe I need to join a book club.

I enjoyed the seduction, the teasing, the build up of the characters. I think you did a good job. Can't wait to read the next part, hopefully Bitch will become a submissive old cuckquean by time it is all over.

This was great looking forward to the next chapter I totally agree with pappasleaze hopefully the bitch becomes a cuckquean!

Looking forward to the next installment!

Wonderful, 10 stars! That nice young lady might take that whore's husband and little man. Then he can find out what a wife and mother actually is, giving the little man some siblings...