The Balloon Test

Another boring lecture! Why did the company keep sending me on these. It wasn't as if I didn't know everything already. Not like the stupid girls on the course. I mean they had to have more training, but it was really a waste of time for me.

Of course I was the only boy on the course. When the boss, her of the smart suits and the permafrost hair, had decided that I should spend time as a 'business support executive' in order to learn the ropes of the business, of course I had agreed. I hadn't realised it was a fancy name for a secretary. Still, it was only for six months, even if I did get sent on these basic skills courses.

So that's why I was the only boy on the course. Still it have me a chance to show off my credentials. To make sure everyone would remember me in the future. That's what I said when we had to introduce ourselves at the beginning.

"I'm here to show off my credentials," I said. Everyone laughed, a sort of sniggery laugh, I've no idea why.

Anyway here we were at the end of the course run by some sort of secretary motivating guru woman. God knows what stupid waffle she was going on about. I kept having to put her right about everything.

The last lecture was on building confidence to be an effective speaker. It was led by Monika Finch, described in the hand~out as a 'motivational speaker'. What rubbish. There she was in her power dressing grey suit and her black hair done up in a bun. What rubbish!

"I'm already a confident effective speaker! And what's more, I know everything there is to know about it," I told her, "can I skip this lecture?"

That took her back, I'm telling you!

"In that case you'll know about The Balloon Test?" she asked after a short pause.

"Well..." What bit of modern gibberish theory was she going on about now?

"You do know what the Balloon Test is?"

"Of course," well seeing as I'd said I knew everything about it, I wasn't going to admit to never having heard of it.

"What's the Balloon Test?" Asked busty blonde teacher's pet Tracey at the front of the class. Tracey was one of those girls, you know the sort, the ones who've got no brains but get on by sticking out their tits and flashing their knickers. She was wearing pink ones. Well... She'd been sitting opposite me at lunch and she was wearing a very short skirt. I'd given her the benefit of my opinion on a few subjects and I could tell she was impressed. I'd complimented her on her figure and her choice of underwear. Girls like that sort of thing you know. And I impressed her with my knowledge (Wikipedia can be so useful when impressing girls). Of course I'm a great thinker, I told her, it's because I exercise it so much. I suggested she might help me exercise it but I just got a rude response. Empty headed, no interest in thinking at all. And now she was asking stupid questions. Still, I could tell she was impressed, but we were called back to the lecture that point. Still later...

She was obviously impressed that I knew about the Balloon Test as well, I was making a good impression there I could tell.

Monica had to try and spoil things though.

"Well, you explain it," she sneered at me.

I'd just have to wing it, as the saying goes. But how without showing myself up?

"The Balloon Test is..." I started, "but... if you explain to the girls, I'm sure you can do it better than me, and then I'll do the test and show them how it demonstrates confident and effective presentation."

"But the Balloon Test is purely hypothetical."

"It may be for you," I said, sure I could do a hypothetical test, once I found out what 'hypothetical' meant, "but I have the confidence to do it."

"But... Well... I don't know. It's not really the sort of thing we do in practice."

"Well it may not be for you, but it's no problem for me," I said. That would impress Tracey.

"In that case, I'm not sure, but suppose it would be interesting to see how it worked in practice. If the girls don't object."

"What could we object to?" asked Tracey.

"Well you see," said Monica, "in the Balloon Test..."

I allowed myself a little smirk at my cunning, I'd got Monica to describe the Balloon Test for me, all I'd have to do now was give one of my well honed presentations and win the balloon, or whatever the test was about.

"In the Balloon Test, as described by Zinowski and Smith, the participant has to give the presentation wearing... Go on you explain," she said, looking at me, "if you're going to be doing it. You do know what it's about and don't want to back out seeing as it's hypothetical."

"No, no," I had to think quickly, she wasn't going to put me off using those big words, "you're explaining it so well. I'm certainly not going to back out. I'm just working out what I'm going to say in the presentation."

"As I was saying. The participant gives the presentation wearing nothing except an inflated balloon..." There was a gasp from the audience. Monica looked at me, "...that's right isn't it. You are allowed to inflate the balloon?"

"Well... er... Yes," what else could I say. I'd agreed over and over that I knew what the test was, "an inflated balloon, and wearing...."

Perhaps she hadn't meant with absolutely nothing on.

"Nothing, yes that's right girls. The subject is completely nude apart from the balloon which she, or in this particular case he, can use to hide.. Well whatever he likes really. But the really embarrassing part is... Well you explain..." She looked at me again.

"The embarrassing part is..." I gulped, what could be more embarrassing than giving a presentation with no clothes on, "...is...."

"Well he's obviously thinking hard about it. The embarrassing part is that the presentation that he has to give is a description of the part hidden by the balloon. So he can display a rude bit and describe a not so rude bit, or if he hides his naughty bits he has to describe them, and what they're for. Isn't that right?"

She turned to me.

"Er.. Yes..," I said, "but I er..."

"Yes?"

"Perhaps the girls will think it's a little..."

"A little what?.

"A little er... Embarrassing for them... Not that I'm backing out or anything but..."

"Well, we can always ask them. Any girls object to being given a demonstration of the balloon test?"

Shouts of "No!" and "Get on with it" echoed round the room.

"That seems pretty conclusive," said Monica.

"But..." I said.

"But what?"

"We haven't got a balloon," that stumped her. She thought she'd been so clever, but superior intellect always wins out.

"I've got one," shouted Tracey. She was already blowing it up.

******************

I'd made The Balloon Test up myself of course. It was a great way of deflating know-it-alls who keep interrupting and spoiling things for everyone. They never admit to not knowing what it is. Of course I give them the get out of saying that it's purely hypothetical. Then they back down and shut up. If they don't and I really want to tease them I give them the balloon and tell them to get undressed. Once they start of course I stop them, well it wouldn't be fair not to, would it.

I knew I'd have trouble with that know-it-all in the lecture, so I'd primed Tracey with the questions and given her the balloon. She knew what was going to happen and was looking forwards to the joke and having a good laugh. They nearly always back down when I hand them the ballon, but I was really rather pleased when he turned out to be one of those people who'll never admit that they don't know something. No matter what the embarrassment I just knew he'd end up with just the balloon if I let him. Not that I would of course. Still, there was still the opportunity to tease him just a little bit further.

"Excellent," I said, showing him the balloon, "take your clothes off."

****************

She handed me the balloon and told me to take my clothes off. I'd have to admit I didn't know what the test was, that I didn't really know what 'hypothetical' meant. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't. Anything was better than admitting my ignorance, but taking all my clothes off, I couldn't do that. Could I? Then it dawned on me. It does when you have a superior intellect like mine. What had I been thinking of. Of course I wouldn't have to go through with it. She couldn't allow a thing like that in her lecture. Once I started to undress she'd put a stop to it.

"Of course," I said, taking the balloon and giving one of my confident smiles, "I'll show the girls exactly what I'm made of."

They all giggled for some reason.

I started to remove my shoes and socks. She'd be stopping me now for sure. No? Well I took off my shirt and looked at her. Nothing. Oh well. I'd show her I was no indecisive wimp.

"Shall I take off my trousers?" I asked

I waited for her to say no, and of course she started...

"As I said, this test is purely hypothetical, and though I'm sure...."

There was a sudden ringing noise. "...sorry. That's my phone. I'd better answer it..." she picked up her phone, "...yes, yes. Right away. Of course..."

She looked at Tracey, "Sorry," she said, "something's cropped up. I have to dash. I'll be back soon. Tracey, here's the balloon, you take over. You know what to do."

So Tracey knew what to do! She'd been in on it all along. No wonder she'd come prepared with a balloon. She looked at me with a big grin on her face.

"Come on," she said, "you know the rules of the Balloon Test. We're all waiting."

What could I do? I couldn't admit that I didn't know the rules after I'd so clearly said I did. She had me cornered and there was nothing I could do about it. I took off my trousers and stood there in my underpants.

******************

Bloody Site Security. I mean I always park my car in that spot. It's not as if it was obstructing anything. But apparently they were going to tow it away. If I didn't get there pretty quickly that is. That's what the bloke on the phone said anyway. The Security Guard that is. It took me close on an hour of me arguing with them and driving round and round before I could find a suitable place to park. Still, Tracey knew what to do to stop him going any further. And then they could take a break for coffee. That's what I thought anyway. But when I got back to the room...

************

Tracey Smith, I said to myself, you're really mean. But on the other hand, he deserved it, and he was going to get it.

He'd spent all lunch time peering up my skirt trying to get a glimpse of my knickers, while all the while spouting off about how clever he was. He must of got a glimpse of them as well because he said he liked girls with big tits who wore pink knickers. Then he started hinting in an obvious way that he had a big cock. 'I've a great twinker' he said. 'It's so big because I exercise it'. I mean, why do men like to boast about their cocks! As if we're interested! Then he even suggested I might like to exercise it. 'In your dreams' I said. As if! Men like that deserve all they get. And I knew what he was going to get as soon as Monica told me about the way she deals with know it alls. I told her right away. That blokes a right know it all, I said, I'll bring a balloon so be ready to bring him down a peg or two.

Of course Monica explained that she didn't actually let them do the test, just getting them to back down was the point. But I had a better idea. If I could just get Monica out of the way, then I'd get him backed into a corner which he'd never escape from with his clothes on. All I had to do was stick out my tits for that Security bloke and he'd do anything I asked. I texted him the signal just in time to stop Monica from ending the whole thing.

"Shall I take off my trousers?" he had asked, before Monica had left me in charge.

"Well you know the rules of the test," I said, "Come on. We're all waiting.

So there Mr Know-it-all was. In his panties. I hadn't meant to go further than that. Honest! But he looked so embarrassed, and he'd gone so red, and the girls were enjoying themselves so much. And after all nobody was making him do anything. I'd just see if he'd drop his underpants as well. I handed him the balloon.

"Go on then," I said.

**************

I had made up my mind not to go further than my underpants, but then Tracey handed me the balloon. Well, it was a big balloon, and I couldn't think of an excuse not to take my underpants off. And I thought if I took my underpants off nobody would see anything and I would really convince them I knew all about the test.

"Go on," said Tracey.

And I held the balloon in front of my penis and pulled my panties down.

Tracey's mouth fell open. Well I'd obviously impressed her. She'd believed I didn't know about the test. That I'd meekly get dressed again. Well I'd shown her. I could get dressed again now that I'd impressed the girls

"We're waiting," she said.

"For what?" I asked

"You have to describe what's behind the balloon."

Oh heck! I'd forgotten all about that. There was nothing for it.

"It's my er... My er..." I stammered, I had no clothes on, I was trembling with embarrassment and I couldn't think what to say."

"Come on," said Tracey, "you claimed you were such a confident speaker you could give a talk with no clothes on... And we're waiting... What's behind the balloon?.

"It's my er.. My..."

"Your willy..." said Tracey, "yes, we all know that. Tell us about it..."

"It's. Er...er..."

"Come on... How big is it? That's what we really want to know."

Oh no! I mean I think it's a reasonable size. I'd checked on howbigisyourpenis.com and it was bigger than the bottom tenth percentile. So it wasn't all that small. Still... I didn't quite like to say...

"It's... It's... Er..."

"Come on, you're not getting dressed till you say."

"It's normal," I gasped at last, and the girls all burst out laughing.

"Normal," chortled Tracey, "and what is 'normal' precisely?"

"Well average is about six inches, so it's approaching that..."

"Approaching eh? Do we believe him girls?"

A chorus of "No!" rang out.

"They don't believe you," said Tracey, "and you know what happens if you lie don't you?"

I had no idea, but I couldn't admit it.

"Of course," I said, my face burning redder than ever.

"And it's nearly six inches?.

"Yes," I said.

"Right," said Tracey, "shall we find out girls,"

A chorus of 'Yes' rang round the room and I suddenly saw Tracey had a pin in her hand.

***********

He was a lying hound, I could see from his face that he was telling porkies. He'd claimed his willy was nearly six inches. It was hiding just behind that inflated balloon. We couldn't see anything now, but... I had a nice sharp pin in my lapel, to pin on my name badge. If I just...

*BANG*

And there he was, standing with a stupid grin on his face and holding the remains of a big red balloon. Not covering anything now.

And it didn't look like it would be six inches. Nothing like it in fact.

Well, you'd think that would be punishment enough for a show off knicker peeking wanker, to be made to stand stark naked in front of the class. Red faced, trembling with embarrassment, everything on view, a group of girls laughing at him, you'd think it would be punishment enough. But he'd lied about his willy, and he'd just have to be made to pay for that.

"That doesn't look six inches to me," I said.

**********

After she burst the balloon I just stood there, so embarrassed I couldn't move. I had nothing on. Nothing at all, and all the girls were laughing. And there was nothing I could do about it. I'd done everything voluntarily. I'd taken all my clothes off myself. How could I have been so stupid, I'd been taken for a sucker. I'd been a show-off, and now I was showing everything off. And worse was to come.

"That's not six inches," said Tracey.

She was pointing at my penis. All the girls were looking at it. They were all looking at my penis.

"Yes it is..." I stammered, hastily clapping my hands over it, "it's just that it's not... It's not..."

"Not what?"

"You know..."

"No I don't....

"Yes you do..."

"Oh, you mean it's not up!"

"Well... Er.. Yes... Can I get dressed please, I've done everything now?"

"I don't think so. You've claimed your willy is six inches when it's up. You know the rules of the test. You have to prove it now."

"I what!"

"You know perfectly well. You know all the rules of the test, you said so yourself. If you make a specific claim you have to prove it."

"But..." why oh why had I claimed to know all about this test. I knew nothing about it. I couldn't contradict her, I was going to have to agree. Then I thought of a way out.

"Of course," I said, cringing with my hands over my penis, stammering with embarrassment, "but unfortunately, nobody has a tape measure."

I should have just said no. By making that silly excuse I'd effectively agreed if someone could produce a tape measure. And of course somebody did.

"Excellent," said Tracey, "now all we have to do is... Oh my gosh! Well done. You can get it up to order!"

And she was right. With all this looking at my penis, and talking about measuring, and the embarrassment, and everything, as I took my hands away from my penis it slowly rose to full height."

"Gosh!" said Tracey, "that's the sort of man I like! I tell him to get it up, and my word is his command!"

I don't think my face could have been any redder.

"Now where's that tape measure?"

************

When I got back to the room... I mean I'd got my car parked and I'd dashed back... And when I got back to the room...

He was standing in front of the girls stark naked. The remnants of a burst balloon lay on the floor. Tracey had a tape measure in her hand and she was measuring.... Well I don't like to say, but it was bolt upright.

"Tracey! What on earth is..."

"Four and three-quarter inches Monica," she said, "Small, but perfectly formed. And performs to order. What more can you ask?"

"But..."

"He performed the test perfectly," she said.

I nodded dumbly.

"Does he get his reward?"

I nodded dumbly again. What on earth had been going on?

"Perhaps we should ask the girls?"

I nodded dumbly again.

"What about it girls? Does he get his reward for being a good sport?"

A chorus of 'Yes!' rang round the room.

"That's pretty conclusive," said Tracey, and she took hold of his... As I said, it was bolt upright.

**************

Monica came back and her eyes opened wide. She was obviously really impressed that I'd completed the test.

"He's performed the test perfectly," said Tracey, so she was obviously impressed as well, "Six and a half inches," she pronounced, "he's got a really big one!"

As I said. Girls are impressed by a big cock! They just can't resist it.

I think I handled that all very well. I'd shown Monica how confident a speaker I was.

"I think he deserves a reward," said Tracey.

A reward! I was going to get my clothes back!

"What reward?" asked Monica.

"Well, he said he wanted me to exercise his twinker. And she grabbed hold of... well it was bolt upright so she got a good grip... And she was... Er... Exercising it! Vigorously.

So... A successful meeting for me. I'd impressed Tracey and Monica. She wrote in her report to the boss that I had shown the class what I was made of, and that I had performed with great power.

True, I'd been stripped naked and wanked in front of the whole class, but when all's said and done, a wank's a wank, even if everybody's watching.