The Bargain

"Well, it did at the time, but I was very young, and I was still of the standard opinion that love is a zero-sum game."

"And could you explain that "Zero-sum" characterization?"

"Sure! Feelings are nebulous, non-quantifiable, and since the tangible world is one of zero-sum, it's easy to make the leap and say that emotions, feelings are the same. It's like if you have a dozen eggs and you use four, you have eight left, that's a concrete fact. But emotions, love being one of them, are non-quantifiable, and using some of an emotion doesn't take any of it away and use it up. The best example is an old, trite one that says that if love wasn't boundless when a mom has a second child, she'd have to take half of the love away from her first child to give some to the second, which is an absurd concept".

"So, you, essentially, grew up learning about your mom's philosophy of love and emotion?"

"Yes, I suppose I did."

"And, so, at some point you met Mr. Freskin?"

"Yes, momma took me on a weekend trip to visit Sam when he was stationed in North Carolina."

"How old were you?"

"Probably six. I think it was the summer after first grade."

"And did you find it unusual or scary?"

"Oh, no! Momma had told me stories about Sam and her since I can remember, so I was excited to meet him. He was very nice to me."

"And did it turn out to be what you expected?"

"Not exactly. You know, he's in the army and he lived on base, so mom and I spent the weekend in a hotel, but it was still exciting."

"So, you had a good time?"

"Oh, gosh, yes! He took us to see paratroopers jump out of planes and showed us around the base; it was great!"

"And during that weekend how much time did you spend thinking of your father, or did anyone mention or consider your father?"

Patricia rocked back in her chair, jolted, her eyes wide she looked directly at her father, as he stared back at her with pain in his eyes, "Oh god, daddy, I'm sorry", she said with a sob in her voice.

"Again, did anyone mention your father in conversation, your mother, Mr. Freskin?"

"Momma didn't, but when Sam was hugging me bye, he whispered in my ear, "Take care of your dad, Patti, he's a good man". God, I hadn't thought of what he said since that day."

"And, Ms. Laughlin, how old were you when you realized that your mother and Mr. Freskin had a sexual relationship?"

The flush climbed Patricia's neck, into her face and she glanced down as she answered quietly, "I guess I was about twelve years old."

"And how were you made aware of the fact?"

I was helping Mom pack for a weekend with Sam, and I saw some packages that she was putting in her bag, and they look like packages of ketchup or something. I picked them up and looked at them and asked what they were. Momma was always very upfront with me about sex, so she explained what condoms were and how they were used."

"So, your mother wasn't on birth control"?

Her face still flaming red, Patricia, still staring at the table said, "I didn't know about any of that at the time, and she just explained to me that she and Sam had been in love since they were kids and now had an adult relationship."

"So, you were twelve years old when your mother started your indoctrination into the details of extra-marital sex?"

"It wasn't that way..."

Ms. Kline broke in forcefully, "No more questions for this witness, your Honor."

The Judge looked at the wall clock. "OK, folks, it's nearly 12:30, let's take a break for lunch, and be back, ready to go at, say, 1:30".

The bailiff stood and intoned "Court is in recess".

As the parties were filing out of the conference room, Patricia headed for her father. She wanted to tell him again how sorry she was for not realizing how much he had been hurt, but Eloise Kline stood in her way.

Eloise smiled at her gently and said, "Please, Patricia, now's not the time. Your dad still has to testify, and I'd like to keep him calm until then. Why don't we just put any conversations off until another time"?

As she nodded, Patti watched her father walk away down the hall with a slump in his posture that she didn't remember having seen in him before. She wondered if he would ever again be the upright, vital man who had been her daddy.

***********

At 1:30 all parties were back in the room and the bailiff arose and announced Judge Bartelli's entrance. She looked around the room, and said, "All witnesses remain sworn, and may be subject to further questions. Everyone clear on that?"

Everyone around the conference table looked at one another, back at the judge, and nodded in the affirmative.

The Judge shuffled some papers, looked at Mr. Raffin, and asked, "So, do you have more questions for either of your witnesses or any further witnesses, Professor"?

"No, your Honor".

"Ms. Kline, you may call your first witness".

"The plaintiff calls Philip Laughlin."

Everyone turned to Philip, and the Judge intoned, "Remember Mr. Laughlin, you were sworn before, and the oath is still in effect".

Looking at Judge Bartelli. "I understand, your Honor."

"Ms. Kline, your witness."

Eloise Kline had gone full-bore on the "Country-aunt" look today, with a monochrome dress, and a boring knit jacket that would look at home on the racks at a discount store. She turned a sympathetic face to Philip, waited for the sad look to register with Judge Bartelli, and plunged in.

"Mr. Kline would you please state your name and address for the record?"

"My name is Philip Braxton Laughlin, and I currently live in an apartment in The Watergate Complex."

"And what is your educational background."

"I did double undergrad degrees in history and economics from Stanford University, a Masters in Constitutional History at the University of Chicago, and a JD from Georgetown University here in the District".

"What is the nature of your employment, sir?"

I am a partner with the law firm of Bates, Standridge, Laughlin, Haney here in the district, specializing in conflict resolution, especially as it pertains to legal disputes between world governments."

"Phil, Mr. Laughlin, how and when did you meet Michiko Laughin?"

He gave a wry smile. "I guess it's a cliché, but we met in the library at Stanford. We were taking the same class, at the same time from two different instructors, and, while I was struggling with it, she was in the library simply to buttress her "A" for the class. We reached for the same book, again cliché, and when we looked into each other's eyes, she had a look that I had never seen before as if someone was very interested in knowing me."

"And how quickly did your relationship develop?"

Laughlin's eyes lost focus as if he was looking into the past. "I asked her out for coffee that night and we got together the next afternoon after class. We talked for two hours and decided that we would both like to develop a friendship."

"At some point, did Molly tell you about the relationship that she had with Mr. Freskin?"

"Yes. On our fourth official date, at the end of the evening, she told me that she had something serious to discuss with me, so we went to a small, quiet bar, and had a beer. She told me straight out that she liked me a lot and that she could see that we might develop a serious and long-lasting relationship if I felt the same way. I told her that I did. She looked at me intently and very quietly for a moment, and then she told me in a very straightforward manner that she was in love with another man, that she had been since they were both in their teens, and that the relationship was still ongoing. I replied forcefully that I wasn't interested in being the 'other guy' and started to stand with the intent that I would leave. She stopped me and explained that while she and the other man were in love and that the relationship continued, that he was going to make a career in the Army and would never be in a position to have a wife and family. She went on to say that she believed that it was more than possible to love more than one person at once and that she was looking for someone who could consider this scenario, who might be amenable to the idea of love, marriage, and family with what she termed a polyamorous wife. I asked her again, just to be sure if she was saying that what she wanted was to be married to one man but to also carry on an outside relationship with her longtime love. She was very explicit in saying that was exactly what she was looking for. I told her straight out that I wasn't' the guy she was looking for, cut the conversation short, and took her back to her apartment. She seemed very sad and asked me to think it over, but I was pretty adamant that it just wasn't something I could do. I didn't go in and drove away that night with the idea in mind that I'd never see her again, and it would have probably worked out that way if it hadn't been for my roommate."

"Eloise Kline said to him quietly, and how did your roommate change the way you saw things?"

Philip grinned sardonically. "You have to remember that Molly was just as beautiful then as she is now, and just as much the object of universal undergrad lust. My roommate Gary, thought I was crazy for not going ahead and dating her, and taking advantage of all the sex-goddess loving I could get and then just baling when things got too complicated."

"And, so, did you follow Gary's advice?"

"No, not exactly, because I liked Molly very much. Don't misunderstand, we were sexually very attracted to one another, but I believed that the friendship was as large a part of our relationship. We talked for hours since our studies overlapped to an extent, and we were both intellectually immersed in our majors; but we also largely saw the world the same way, had the same life philosophies and aspirations. There wasn't much partying, but we studied together nearly every night and became closer and closer. During Christmas, however, I was really slapped in the face with reality, because she went up to West Point and spent three days with Mr. Freskin. When she came back, I saw her once and then didn't talk with her again for about a week. I just didn't think I could deal with the reality of the situation."

"And did you break off the relationship?"

"I didn't. In simple terms, I missed her, so I went back. I wanted to be with her, but I had already decided though, that while I would date her while at school, there wasn't any realistic way that I'd even consider marrying her. She was everything that you'd dream of physically and intellectually, but she wasn't for me."

"Did she think you were getting married?"

"Oh, yeah. After I came back to her following that first Christmas, I believe that she thought that it was a done deal. I honestly planned, though, that after graduation, I'd just take the emotional hit and pull the plug on the relationship."

Eloise looked at Philip intently. "Are you saying that you never discussed your reservations with Molly?"

Philip, leaning on the table, dropped his face into his hands and seemed to knead the memory out of his head, "Oh, no, shit, we talked about it as often as I could make her listen. Oh, crap, I'm sorry, your Honor, for my language...and for the second offense."

Judge Bartelli gazed placidly at Philip Laughlin and observed, "No worries, Mr. Laughlin, you're a witness, now, not an attorney."

"And what did Molly say when you raised the issue of her other lover", Eloise murmured, did she try to comfort you, tell you that she would stop seeing him because she loved you?"

There was a long silence as Philip gathered himself, so long that the judge was moved to ask if he needed a recess.

"No, she never did," he said baldly. "Anytime I expressed what I would have called my deal breakers, she was always ready to say that Sam was willing to let her be with me, and why couldn't I feel the same way about her relationship with him if I loved her as much as I said."

"Mr. Laughlin, did you, and do you believe that your wife ever truly understood your feelings about her relationship with Mr. Freskin?"

"That's a hard one to answer. After all, how sure can you ever be about what's inside someone's head? The only conclusions that I can draw are that she certainly understood what I was saying, and what my position was on the matter. Whether she ever completely understood what was in my head and heart is debatable, I suppose. In retrospect, I suspect that she heard what she wanted to hear and believed what she wanted to believe."

"So, you subsequently married. May I ask why you decided to go ahead with the marriage feeling as you did?"

"That's a question that has a simple answer that's backed with a million qualifications. The simple fact is that I loved her and didn't think I could live without her. But behind that love was the thought, or should I say, hope, that eventually if we had a family and that she became successful in her career field, that she would surely be fulfilled enough and busy enough that she would simply not need anything but me and children. I held onto that hope until Patti was born, but the episode at the hospital that we've already heard about ended that fantasy. After that, I continually deflected any discussion as to whether we should have additional children."

"And after the episode at the hospital, in which your wife's extra-marital relationship, once again, took precedence over her relationship with you, did your attitude and feelings regarding your marriage change?"

"They did. I concluded that Molly's feelings about Sam Freskin were never going to change or evolve, that she would continue the relationship for her lifetime, and that I was never going to be completely happy, satisfied, and fulfilled in our marriage. You have to understand, that Molly had that specific way of looking at love from the polyamorous point of view, and she couldn't grasp why someone else, me in particular, couldn't grab onto her viewpoint and accept it. On the other hand, while she could intellectually grasp American society's viewpoint on monogamy, she also couldn't, for the life of her, understand why someone would want to live in such an, as she put it, 'emotionally stifled' way. We were simply at a sticking point, and over the year after Patti's birth, I worked through all the logical permutations of what I was facing and came to the realization that for the sake of my emotional well-being, I simply couldn't maintain our relationship indefinitely."

"But you decided not to leave immediately?"

"That's correct. We now had a child, an innocent bystander to the train-wreck we called a marriage, and I was determined that she would have a completely happy childhood and that I'd do everything possible to protect her from having a one-parent family. Also, I knew in my heart if I wasn't around, that Molly's philosophy about love and relationships would 'infect' Patti if you will, and I believed that my presence could offset that. So, I settled in to do my duty, I suppose you'd call it, trying to make a little girl happy."

"And did you make her happy?"

"I believe so. She had as normal a childhood as I could make it in terms of stability, parental involvement in her life, and all the other things that good, devoted parents do to raise a happy child. And I'll give her credit, Molly was a great mom too, in most ways."

"In what way was she not a good mom?"

"Regrettably, I wasn't successful in protecting Patti from her mom's point of view on love and relationships, and, I regret to say that she's gone down the same road as her mother."

There was an audible gasp from Patricia at that remark.

"From what I've learned, Patti is carrying on simultaneous adult relationships with two men, at least one of which is serious. But, to my disgust, she has kept an additional more casual sexual relationship a secret from her steady boyfriend, a situation which falls into the category of simple dishonesty and cheating rather than the polyamory she'd like to characterize it as in her own mind. My failure to protect her from the deplorable mindset that encourages this kind of behavior makes me very sad and calls into question my decision to stay with the family for all these years."

Upon finishing the sentence, Philip turned his head and gazed despondently at Patricia who, by this time, was staring at her lap, slowly shaking her head as tears dripped off her lashes, and murmuring, "No, please Daddy."

Eloise Kline took a moment for the gravity of the moment to set in, and then asked quietly, "Mr. Laughlin, after the episode at the hospital, did your feelings for your wife change?"

"They did. I went through the first year talking myself out of leaving immediately, but I knew in my heart that I couldn't leave that little girl. For at least the first few weeks, I despised Molly, but I understood that I couldn't indulge in that level of antagonism without failing in my goal of trying to make a loving home for Patti; so, every time I was around Molly, I reverted to my role as a lawyer, as a conflict resolution specialist. I watched myself carefully to identify what pushed my hot buttons and did what I could to avoid or alleviate those situations. Some, of course, couldn't be avoided."

"And how did you actually feel about Ms. Laughlin during these years?"

"It changed, depending on what was going on in our lives, but, in general, I'd say that, while I respected her for many things, and still loved her on some levels, I resented her, and felt that she was cruel and self-serving."

From his left, he heard Molly whisper, "Oh, Philip."

"Did you maintain the role of a loving husband?"

"Oh, yes; after all that was the responsibility that I had taken on. I felt it was my duty and I was careful to present nothing that would upset Patti or give her the impression that our home was anything but happy. And I believe I was successful at that."

"And were you as successful in your interactions with your wife?"

He smiled speculatively, "Apparently I was."

"How were you able to do that?"

"I think, inevitably, as time goes by the relationship of any two people in a married relationship changes simply because of the pressures of life. You have less time to devote to one another. Molly would have had less time for me in any case, with her complicated professional schedule, and with a block of her time devoted to Freskin, I was relegated to once-in-a-while status. Oh, I don't think she'd agree with that, but..." He shrugged. "In any event, with her, I played a role, it was as simple as that."

"Did you continue to have a physical relationship with her?"

"Sure, I did. My god, look at her, she's still a gorgeous woman, and who wouldn't want to go to bed with her. Even after all these years, and even under the deplorable circumstances, having sex with her is great. I suppose in that respect, that's the one area in which I got more of her attention than Freskin." He smiled wryly.

"So, your physical relationship with your wife continued to be satisfactory?"

"Satisfactory (?), physically, I suppose, but emotionally", he paused to look at the Judge, "Pardon me your Honor, but, emotionally, I just fucked her."

At this Molly gasped.

"Mr. Laughlin, how did your feelings for your wife evolve over the years?"

For the first ten years, or so after Patti was born, I still loved her despite myself, with that feeling waning as time went by. At the ten-year point, I reached a sort of calloused stage in which I stopped caring about her or worrying about where life was going and transitioned to starting to actively fantasize about what my life would be like after I left her, and, in more general terms, how I would accomplish that."

"Was there a point at which you found yourself becoming more deliberate in your planning to end your marriage?"

"I didn't start making concrete plans until about two years ago, but I realized four years ago that I was completely wasting my time staying in the house. I realized by then that I had failed with Patti. I overheard her having a mother-daughter talk with Molly one Saturday afternoon, and she was telling her mom about having five different boys pursuing her at school. Molly was giving her advice on how to keep them all on the hook and play them off against one another, and it was at the point when I heard Patti laugh at the scheming bullshit her mother was spouting, that I knew I had lost her, that I should just cut my losses and get out."