The Belle Of Coeur D'Alene

"Gosh, honey, that should be obvious! There is sledding with the horses, cross country skiing, even snowshoeing ... why some people just come out for the weekend and relax!"

He said this like he couldn't believe people would spend a whole weekend just lazing around. I think it was truly a mystery to him.

They did weddings here during the summer and around Christmas and Easter. Mom and I had been staying in the bridal chamber – the room where the bride changed clothes, rested, and all that stuff. It was okay while mom was there but when she left I started thinking about the room I was in, the bridal suite. That was some depressing thinking!

I asked Uncle Sean where I could stay more permanent like.

"Wal, Kathy, as you see we built a bunch of new log cabins for the guests last year. I've been using the old ones for the married hands to stay in or for storage. I got a real nice one up the hill under that big ol' cottonwood tree. It's nice and shady during the summer and has a great view all year 'round."

One of the hands - my old friend Curley (bald as an egg, of course!), the one that taught me how to ride a horse and sorta protected me from myself when I was twelve - helped me move all the stored stuff out. Curley's wife – she cleaned the cabins – helped me get everything spic and span (that's how she said it).

I moved in and really liked it. It was private and very snug. It was also tiny; one large room with the back mostly taken up with an open kitchen and a small bath boxed in back in the corner. The lodge had a reading room and Aunt Mary recommended to me some books to read. I guess she felt bad about my not being able to go to school.

I started working in the restaurant on weekends as the hostess and in the office for half-days during the week. The hostess part was easy: I just had to be polite and helpful - you know, smile a lot. I did get a bunch of guys flirt with me – God knows why since I was showing now. I'd just smile and lead them to their table; I knew about men now!

Aunt Mary took me in to see a doctor in Sand Point - it was just a block from Lake Pend Oreille and close to where I95 and route 200 came together. The doctor was really nice; she seemed to be in her mid-thirties and pretty in a way. She made me feel much more comfortable about having the baby. I guess I really didn't know anything.

Mom would call once a week, regularly like on Sunday mornings. She was planning on coming up - flying into Spokane this time - for Christmas. She would stay for a week. Uncle Sean said he would put a roll-away bed in the cabin for me to use while mom was here.

I was able to sign up for some online courses in North Idaho College, mostly accounting stuff to help in the office. I could do them at my own pace and use the computers in the office in the evenings. After the baby was born I would be able to start taking courses for an A.A. degree in forestry, wildlife, range, or wild land recreation management. I could take two courses by going in one day a week to Sand Point. I would have to finish by going to classes in Coeur D'Alene in a couple of years. Uncle Sean said I could worry about that later.

Marcie was fascinated with the way my stomach just started getting bigger and bigger. She kept asking me questions; ones that I would have to ask the doctor so I would know what to say to her. She was excited about babysitting for me. She helped out in the day care center the ranch provided for customers during the summer – including the restaurant.

Mom did come for the holidays and it was a lot of fun. The place was a winter wonderland – the air so clean and everything so lovely. We had a big Christmas dinner – we were open only for brunch that day – and I got more presents than I'd ever had before. They were mostly simple things, many of them hand made. I knew they were given with love though and I felt good.

Mom did ask me about Betty, about how I felt towards her. Betty wanted to visit me during spring break – about a month after the baby was due. I was okay, I never blamed her but she had just felt so guilty. I wrote Betty a Christmas card and pleaded with her to come and see the baby and me. I didn't think of him (my doctor had told me!) as having anything to do with Klaus/Alain or even Cancun ... this wasmy baby!

I wasn't depressed anymore; I was actually having fun and was more outgoing than I had ever been. The cowboys teased me a lot but I think they all looked at me like I was their daughter. Uncle Sean taught me a lot about the ranch, discussing with me like an adult the problems that came up and he even asked me how I would solve them. I didn't think I knew much, but as the winter went on more and more he would say, "Okay, let's do it that way then!"

The winter months went by faster than I could have imagined and I felt it was a time of growth for me. There was that one cold winter day that I woke up and felt like a woman. It was a strange thought for me and I puzzled over it for a couple of hours. Later I waddled by the full-length mirror in the ladies room at the restaurant and started laughing at myself. Yeah, with a tummy like that I must be a woman!

We planned everything out for when it was time for the baby. Of course all the plans were for naught. My water broke in the middle of a blizzard with the howling wind pushing the snow into large drifts. The ranch hands had been trying to keep the ranch road plowed with the scraper on the big F-350, but they couldn't keep up with it.

Uncle Sean made a couple quick calls and got the grader off the highway to come out to the ranch and clear a path. Aunt Mary was calm but I think I was close to whatever comes past panic. Once we got out to the highway it was no problem and we arrived at the hospital with a couple of hours to spare. William Sean Belle (after my dad and Uncle Sean) was born a robust nine pounds and a hell raiser from day one. Before we left the hospital I knew he was going to need the firm hand of a father ... but I didn't want a husband! Well, enough time for that later.

Spring came quickly after I got back from the hospital and I felt at one with the new life that was taking place all around me. I was worried that I had no idea how to be a mother but surprisingly it came easy. Billy, as I called him, was a handful but at that he was good-natured. He ate well and usually slept good.

With the growing warmth of spring, Betty came for her visit. We both cried and I was startled when I realized I was crying for her and not for myself. She kept apologizing until I threatened to make her nurse little Billy unless she quit. She laughed at that and we both relaxed.

Betty had clearly changed, matured really, since I had last seen her. I think Cancun scared her as she realized it could as easily have been her instead of me. She told me she wasn't flirting with the boys any more and was concentrating on her studies. There was one boy she liked but she wanted to take it slow. I invited her to bring him to visit in the summer. I'd learned that putting people in a different environment than they were used to showed a lot about their character.

Aunt Mary and Uncle Sean liked her a lot and offered her a summer job working with the kids in the ten-fifteen year range. She would be taking them on hikes, doing handicrafts, swimming, etc. Betty said she didn't know how to do any of that stuff except for the swimming. I knew she had her lifeguard certificate. Uncle Sean laughed at her and asked how much she thought the kids knew.

"Betty, these are mostly city kids that would get lost in the corral if it weren't fenced!"

Her friend, Terry, did come for a week over the Fourth of July. He seemed very nice and fit in well with everyone. I liked him a lot and told Betty to hang on to him.

We cried a little when she left but now it was the happy tears of two women that liked and respected each other and would be lifelong friends. I was surprised at how good she was with the baby; she was gentle but had a firmer hand than I did. She could get him to go to sleep in a few minutes and it usually took me most of an hour.

I was amazed at how much the baby disrupted the flow of life at the ranch. All of the ranch hands kind of adopted Billy and helped watch out for him. As the summer trade picked up I was able to use the day care center quite a bit. I was working in the office for a couple of hours in the mornings and I was able to have my baby there with me most of the time. Then I would work hostess for lunch and dinner with three or four hours off in the afternoons.

Aunt Mary found a baby back pack that someone had left a couple of years ago and I started taking hikes during the afternoon for about an hour then I would come back and take a nap while Billy had his afternoon nap.

Sometimes I would walk down by the stream where the fly-fishing took place and watched the (mostly) guys try their hand. I was intrigued in the obvious difference in the skill level of the fishermen. It was essentially the difference between chaos and order, and the difference between fun and satisfaction and frustration. Betty told me that golf was the same way.

So I would look for the ones that seemed to have some skill ... and watch them. Little Billy would play around on the grassy bank or sleep on a blanket. I became more and more fascinated and decided I wanted to learn how to do that. I talked to Uncle Sean and he said I could take the next class that Tom Lane taught.

"Honey, the way I do the classes, it guarantees that they will take place if even one person shows up. You'd be surprised at the additional business I've had in both the restaurant and the Dude Ranch because I held the class open if there was even one enrollment. I do this a little different in that all the money goes to Tom; I don't hold anything back. If there are less than four persons enrolled I give him a free lunch or dinner."

"But Uncle Sean, doesn't that cost a lot of money?"

"No, honey, you wouldn't believe the number of people that come to eat and mention Tom's name. I give them all a free glass of the house wine whenever they do."

A couple of weeks later - this was early September - Tom was stopping by to teach the last class of the summer. There were a couple and a single guy and myself in the class. It was three days long with Tom teaching in the morning and walking around helping out and giving pointers in the afternoons. Lunches we would eat as a group so people could ask questions.

I was surprised at how good I did! From watching I thought it would be hard but for some reason it came easy to me! Tom was impressed and told me so. I noticed that on the third afternoon he was watching me more than the others. Once when I saw him on the bank, sitting in the grass and observing me, I walked over and sat down next to him. I'd gotten to know him fairly well over the last few days and had seen him in the Bar None Restaurant a couple of times over the summer.

I sat for a minute and turned to him.

"I'm not doing very good, am I?"

He looked a little startled and replied, "No! No, you are doing quite well. Actually I'm impressed – you have done about as well as anyone I've taught here." He glanced askance at me, "Why do you ask?"

"Tom, it seems like you have been neglecting the other students this afternoon and only watching me. I thought maybe I wasn't doing as good as I had thought."

Looking embarrassed he looked down and then at me, "I'm sorry, Kathy. I'm afraid you caught me. Don't be mad at me, it's just ... well you remind me of my wife. I don't know why – you are completely different. I guess ... well, it's ... you're just nice I guess. And, well, shoot; you're really pretty too! I'm sorry, I apologize."

Well, that was interesting.

"Tom, it's okay. I was just teasing you. I can't believe how well I'm doing with the fly-fishing. I'm afraid I have fallen in love with this sport. Besides, you know I have a baby! Why would you think I'm pretty? I still need to lose at least ten more pounds that Billy gave me!"

I was laughing as I said that but Tom made me think. There wasn't anything that really stood out about him – he had brown hair with matching eyes, medium height, neither slim nor husky. An intelligent face with a nose maybe a trifle large but a ready smile that was his best feature. He seemed kind and I had seen how patient he was.

He stared at me for a moment, tears in his eyes. "Kathy, I have a little girl, she is three. I don't have any family but my wife - Sara Jane her name was - had a lot of relatives. She died a year ago and her family, I mean cousins and some others, maybe just ones that loved her, take care of Sara Anne for me when I have to travel."

He looked at me, a question in his eyes, "Kathy, I don't have any right to ask you this but I need to talk to someone. I've kept everything about Sara Jane bottled up inside of me and I need, I need ... I'm sorry!"

He looked out at the stream but I could see the tears in his eyes – it made me want to cry also.

Quietly, I said, "Tom, It's okay; I understand. I'm really a good listener. Billy usually goes to sleep about eight-thirty. Why don't you meet me on the porch of my cabin at about that time? It's the one on the hill under the big cottonwood. I make a mean pot of coffee and you can talk, okay?"

Tom looked relieved and nodded. We sat there feeling some companionship and then he stood to check on the other students.

I felt funny about the episode but was looking forward to seeing him later. I felt strongly mixed emotions. I remember how cruel men could be – but then Tom was so nice and quiet. He seemed, I don't know, strong and protective and loyal. I don't know why I felt the last.

I went back and got Billy from the day care center and took him up the hill to my home. It was starting to feel like that to me. It was fun to take care of my son ... I really didn't associate him with the awful things that had happened in Cancun. I fed him and we played for a while and I put him to bed.

I'd told Tom about the coffee because I was scared to death of liquor. I put on a nice wool skirt with a matching sweater since it was starting to cool off in the evenings. The coffee was ready and I dusted the swing and chair on the porch.

I sat waiting on Tom and marveled at my life. It was so different; so far away from anything I could have possibly imagined. At the same time it was very satisfying. I was learning from the classes I was taking and Uncle Sean and Aunt Mary were so nice to me. I was taking on more and more of the paperwork of the ranch and was continuing the hostess work mostly because it was so rewarding. I was meeting the regular customers and I was surprised at how good I was with people.

I certainly hadn't planned on my baby but Billy was my life now. I could see him growing up and running this place some day. It wasn't easy, taking on a baby and completely changing my life but it gave me great satisfaction to know that I could deal with life changing events. I rarely had nightmares about Alain/Klaus anymore – I was too worn out at night.

I saw Tom walking up the hill in the quiet twilight. I walked down a bit to let him know that Billy was asleep and took his arm and walked up to the porch.

We had expected a quiet night in the restaurant so I had taken the evening off and hadn't seen Tom since that afternoon. Even though I had made the coffee I was still a little surprised to see him.

We sat down, him in the chair and me in the swing, and drank the hot, strong coffee in a companionable silence. Tom looked a little nervous so I tried to reassure him.

"Tom, I know I'm still kinda young - I just turned nineteen last month - but I'm a great listener. If you have anything you want to talk about, that's okay, I'll listen and no one will ever hear about it. If you want to sit and enjoy the coffee and relax, that's fine too. Once in a while we have fireflies flitting around and that always makes my day complete.

He laughed a little at that and sat watching the lights at the bottom of the knoll as the night was wrapped up at the ranch. Tom started talking of how he had met Sara, the problem with the sickle cell that had caused Sara Jane to refuse his ring.

I sat listening, nodding once in a while but mostly letting Tom talk.

He described that graveyard sitting oh-so-sadly underneath the large family weeping willow.

"Kathy, I dug that grave myself. Somehow I got through the funeral; little Annie was so sad although I knew she didn't understand but the next morning when I went up the hill by myself ... it was so hard!"

He went on to tell me all the things about Sara Jane, his engagement, what a wonderful woman she was, her dying and death, the baby girl; the story of his love a bit at a time, the telling gradually slowing down; finally stopping.

We sat there for quite a while, each with our own thoughts. His of the love of his life and mine of life I lost in Cancun. Both of us leaking tears but too lost in the moment to cry. Without looking at me he slowly got up and trudged down the hill - his movements belying his youthful age.

I sat there a while lost in my thoughts – wondering what it could be like if neither of us bore the burden of our history. I didn't see Tom again until the spring was bringing new life to the ranch – then my heart died when he came to dinner one night!

COULD THIS BE LOVE?

"Farewell, false love, the oracle of lies ... "

- Sir Walter Raleigh

I continued through the winter with my studies in Sandpoint. I was taking two courses on Tuesday, during the day. Between Marcie (after school) and some of the ranch wives, Billy wasn't a problem. I had two hours between classes and I took to going to a nearby restaurant and having lunch at a back table and studying afterwards.

The morning class was on Terrain Park Management and the afternoon was on Native People of America. After the first three weeks, I noticed my professor from the morning class, Kenny Dahl, was starting to eat lunch there. He seemed like a nice person. He was tall, somewhat lanky, with a boyish face and a shock of blond hair not knowing which way it was supposed to go.

I saw him glancing at me once in a while and finally one day he nodded at me and asked if he could join me. From then on it seemed to happen every week. I knew he wasn't married because one of my classmates, Sandra, had a crush on him and had investigated. He seemed very nice and we had some great discussions that were carryovers from the classrooms. He was very smart and I felt like I was getting some extra teaching.

We got to know each other and one night I stayed over and watched a play put on by the school drama department. It was "The Playboy of the Western World" and was a biting Irish comedy. It was eye opening for me; I had never seen anything like that. I was so excited that when I got ready to leave I gave him a big hug and kissed him on the cheek. Embarrassed, I got in the car and went home.

Driving home I realized I was lonely. I had no one to love me ... sure a lot of friends, but not that special someone. Could I dare dream? Was there a special someone for me?

Someone nice had never romanced me before. It was fun, actually. He started bringing flowers or a funny card ... something different each week. My feelings were, understandably, confused. Dare I dream of love? Could this be it?

Now I was regularly staying for a movie, dinner, a play, something different each week. I was holding hands with him now and the occasional kiss on the cheek. I was starting to wonder what it would be like to be really kissed. I was thinking one night that I didn't know if Alain had even bothered to kiss me ... when all that happened. Maybe no one had ever really kissed me before!

I liked Kenny but I hadn't told him about Billy, my baby, as yet. One day I was walking by the trout stream – there was a rime of ice on the trees around the edges of the stream and a glitter of dry snow on the banks - remembering the days of summer last and how pleasant it had been with Billy and myself. What would it be like with Kenny? Thinking it might be nice and that Kenny needed to meet Billy sometime, I invited Kenny out to the ranch for Easter Sunday.