The Bookkeeper's Diary

Her diary entries then focused on her applying for jobs, and whether she should move in with Travis, finally moving out of her parent's home. She did state some concerns about moving in with him, however. That while his friends and lifestyle were fun to be around when she was with him, she questioned whether she'd want that all the time, if that'd drive her a little crazy after a while.

Tricia then wrote about getting her first job, a temporary job according to Tricia, working as an administrative assistant for a mechanical engineering firm here in Lafayette. Not exactly a step towards her literary career of choice, but it paid money and she wanted to move out of her parents' home.

That's where Tricia was working when we first met, we had started dating only two months after she began working there if I remember correctly. I used to do purchase orders and pickups from their firm for the engineering plant I work for. I would see her in the office and was instantly enamored with her, often making excuses just to go and see her. What I didn't know was that she was still dating Travis and thinking about moving in with him when she began working there. They must be breaking up soon, I started to wonder if I was the rebound guy.

Her next entry mentioned me for the first time. Although it wasn't quite what I was hoping to read.

'Travis has been away for a few days travelling with his band again, it's been driving me crazy not being able to be with him. I can't believe how quickly I get sexually frustrated now when he's away on the road.

There's a guy called Simon from the plant up the road that has been coming to our office since I started here, I think he likes me. He reminds me a lot of Peter, although I think he's a bit rougher around the edges than Peter ever was. He seems sweet enough though, but not really my type. Although I do find him attractive, just not in the same way as I do with Travis. Travis makes me want to spread my legs just thinking about him, guys like Peter and Simon make me think of coffee. Not sure why, they just do.'

I rubbed my head a little, she didn't find me as attractive as her then boyfriend Travis and didn't think I was her type, so why'd she leave him for me then? Did she settle for me until something better came along as she seemed to do with Peter back in college? And coffee? I remind her of coffee while she wants to spread her legs for him?! I moved onto the next entry dated a few weeks after the last.

'I've decided not to move in with Travis, apart from the fact he's on the road so much lately, I don't want to be around all of his friends and the drugs when I'm at home. As much as he excites me to be with, I think it's better if I can keep it to only when he's in town.

Also, Simon finally got up the nerve to ask me out on a date this week, although I haven't told him I already have a boyfriend. With Travis being gone so much lately, I feel like he's now more of a part time lover than my actual boyfriend. I know he sleeps with other women too; I've known that from almost the start of our relationship, but I'm happy just to be with him when he's around. I know Simon would never do that to me, that he's the kind of guy that a girl could have a real relationship with. But just like with Peter, I don't think I'm the right girl to have that with him.'

I remember asking her out for the first time, I'd been building up the courage for almost two weeks by that point to pop the question. I remember being so nervous that she'd say no, she didn't, she said she'd think about it and let me know. I didn't know she was still dating Travis even then, just when did she split up with him? I read on with the next entry dated two weeks later.

'I had my first date with Simon, he took me out for dinner and a movie. I feel bad for not telling him about Travis, but I don't see my relationship with Travis going much further. I was right about Simon, he's such a sweet guy but yes, he's more than a little rough around the edges and nothing like the guys I knew in college. He's a diesel mechanic and works on big trucks like they use for mining. He's so different to what I'm used to, I found being with him easy and relaxing and he's funny too. I'm glad I accepted the date now although I couldn't help thinking about Travis during the movie, he gets back later tonight and I'm going to take out all of my sexual frustrations on him. I can't wait.'

What? She went and fucked Travis right after our first date? Hold on, was she cheating on Travis by going on a date with me in the first place? I'm so confused right now. I don't know if I should be angry or not. This did all happen over seven years ago now and I know how the story ends, so maybe I should calm myself a little.

Her next two entries focused on a new book she had begun writing, she seemed very excited to be finally beginning her dream of wanting to become an author. Her next entry then mentioned that she'd introduced me to her parents for the first time as well, saying they approved of me way more than they ever did of Travis. She still wrote further about Travis also, it was clear they were still having sex when he was home from his travels, that they even spent a sex filled night together in a fancy hotel for her twenty second birthday.

I remembered back to the night I first met her parents; we'd gone out on maybe four or five dates by then and were talking by text and calls on a daily basis already. We hadn't had sex yet though, just fondling and kissing each other at that stage. I remember back to her birthday too, she told me her parents were taking her out of town to visit their relatives, that maybe I could see her when they got back.

Now I know there was no visiting with relatives, that she was with Travis being fucked the entire time. This annoyed me no end; in my head we were already boyfriend and girlfriend by then, added to the fact that she was clearly lying to me at the time as well.

This was easily two months after our first date and yet she was acting like she was still Travis's girlfriend whenever he was in town, which was something I didn't know about until just now. I almost closed her diary to put it away in a mix of anger and frustration but decided to read on. I wasn't enjoying reading about her still being with her ex-boyfriend after we began dating. This was totally unexpected.

'Tonight, I finally had sex with Simon. Part of me wanted to hold off until I could end it with Travis, but it's been harder and harder for me to say no to Simon. Is it possible that you can be in love with two people at the same time? Two very different people. Honestly, if I have to choose between them, I choose Simon. While I love the excitement of being with Travis, and the sex with him is fantastic and the best I've ever had, Simon offers me something that Travis never will. A future.

Where Travis takes risks, is free as a bird and loves living in the moment, Simon is loving and sensible, and has a career with an ambition that he can build a family with. I see that future for me when I'm with Simon, that we can have something special, something that lasts.

I see in Travis that schoolgirl's crush, that bad boy that we all fall in love with, that excitement and wonderment of being young. But it never lasts, it's not meant to. With Simon, I see it lasting. I see us happily married with lovely children and a nice home. But is that what I really want? What about my writing career and travelling the world? Am I prepared to give up my dreams to be a suburban mom? Maybe. I can still have children and write too, maybe we can travel on holidays to see the world.

I will miss Travis, and right now I'm not so sure if I have the inner strength to give him up just yet. But with every passing day that I'm with Simon, I feel like I'm cheating on him with Travis, even if Travis is still my boyfriend that I'm yet to break up with. It should be that I'd feel bad for cheating on Travis with Simon, I just don't feel that way. Deep down in my heart I know I'm already Simon's, I just need to find the strength to end it with Travis once and for all.'

I remembered we'd enjoyed sex for the first time on the night that was three months after our first date. While it's good to read that Tricia had finally decided to be with me and to end it with Travis, I'm extremely annoyed that she wrote that she enjoyed sex with him more. That's a blow to my ego that I never expected to get from reading her diary. Maybe that's my own fault, some things you're better off not knowing. In her diary timeline, we're only two months away now to the night where I proposed to her, and she accepted. I couldn't help but wonder just how soon it was before Tricia was able to end it with her ex-boyfriend. How long would this drag on?

The next two entries covered the following month where she spoke more about events with me, that she was happy being with me and looked forward to what was next. She also mentioned her progress with writing her book, although she was having some frustrations with it too. But then she also wrote that she was still occasionally meeting up with Travis, although his road trips made it easier for her to be with me. We're only a month out now from when we got engaged and yet she was still sleeping with him.

The next entry she wrote about how hard it was for her to end it with Travis, that she was sad their time together was coming to an end. That she would miss him and the excitement and sex they had together. I was getting increasingly angrier as I kept reading, but I was wary of Jennifer, to make sure she couldn't see or hear her dad getting too angry at the book he was reading. After looking away for a few moments in anger, I returned to her diary, reading the next entry.

'Simon asked me to marry him last night, and I said yes! I'm so happy I could just burst. I know I never planned on getting married so young, but I'm in love with him and want to be with him, always. I couldn't wait to tell my parents and my friends, especially Gary. They were all so happy for me too, this whole weekend has been so wonderful.

I haven't had the strength to end my relationship with Travis yet, it's something that's been eating away at me. I'm so frustrated and ashamed of myself for letting this carry on. I need to do it; I must do it, right now!

So, why do I keep putting it off? Why has it been so hard for me to end this? It's not like we've been that close for ages now, it's more like I'm just the girl he fucks with when he's home in Lafayette. If I don't need him, why haven't I ended it yet? I know the sex with him is good, but that's not stopping me from ending it, surely?

I do enjoy sex with Simon too, I enjoy being with him and I'm in love with him. I'm so afraid I'll hurt him if he ever finds out I've still been seeing Travis this entire time. Do I really want to risk my future with Simon just so I can have sex with Travis every now and then? No. This ends now.'

If I was frustrated and angry before, I had steam bellowing out of my ears now. Tricia still hadn't split with Travis by the time we were engaged. Seriously, what the fuck?! I was thankful that Tricia was at work, if she was here, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from yelling at her right now. I put her diary down on the table and went into the kitchen to make some lunch for Jennifer and myself. I needed to calm myself down. I'm still a little tired from working last night to early this morning, maybe that's not helping my mood at the moment.

After feeding Jennifer and myself, my mood was a little better. There's nothing like watching your beautiful young daughter laugh and smile and ask inane questions about her favorite TV characters to lighten your mood. Maybe I should keep all that in mind when reading Tricia's diary. Tricia married me and has given me two wonderful children already, and we've recently talked about having another. There's nothing more important a couple can do for each other than to have children together. That's something she never wanted to do with someone like Travis.

I sat back down in my favorite armchair to continue reading her diary, and it made me glad that I didn't put the diary away after reading her last entry.

'I finally did it! He acted like it was no big deal, I can't believe I made this so difficult. But it's done, I'm no longer seeing Travis and I can now focus all of me on the one man I love, the man I'm going to marry. Breaking up with him kind of felt like I was ending my childhood, leaving behind my time at school and college, my schoolgirl dreams and fantasies that you have when you're young. Maybe that's why I found this so hard to do, maybe it wasn't about Travis at all, just myself not wanting to let go and become an adult. Well, it's done now. I feel relieved, but also happy. I love Simon and I'm looking forward to sharing my life with him and only him.

This officially marks the end of my childhood and the beginning of the next step in my journey, that of a loving wife and hopefully a mother of wonderful children. I will still write, and I still want to travel, just that I want to do that now with Simon, to share his dreams and mine together.'

Well, finally she did it. I'm still a little annoyed if I'm being honest with myself that it took her that long, regardless of her reasons. But I'm glad that it's finally out of the way. Now to read about our lives together, about all the events that have happened in our lives so far. After all, I started reading her diary to see if I could understand why she's been a little distant of late. To see if I could understand her better, for me to be a better husband for her.

As I read on, it filled my heart with warmth and love for my wife. Reading the events in our life from her perspective as they happened filled me with happiness and memories. Of course, there were the big events, with us getting married and everything that goes on around that. Our honeymoon, our promotions at work, her falling pregnant with Mike, to having our first child. The stress and joy of buying our first home together as Tricia was pregnant again with Jennifer.

But there were also some small things that I'd completely forgotten about, and it's all those small things that help make a marriage. From Tricia showing off to me in a sexy set of lingerie for my birthday when she got back into shape after Jennifer was born, to her getting furious with one of Mike's kindergarten teachers for dressing him up as a girl and telling him it was better that he behaves more non-binary. I've never loved her more than when she tore that freak a new asshole that day.

One of the things I noticed was that she'd started three different novels over these past years but as far as I know and from what she had written, not one of them had been completed nor published. We also haven't been able to travel much either as we have the mortgage, the kids and their school fees, and now her bookstore. While I'm on better wages now, most of it goes into paying off the loans and bills. If we have another child, that will further impede us from being able to travel.

I started to wonder if between her being unable to complete any of her books and that we haven't travelled much having barely left the state, is that why she's seemed to be a little distant lately? She's heading towards thirty and still hasn't accomplished any of her childhood dreams. I'm not far from the end of her diary now, hopefully it'll give me an insight to how she's been feeling lately. But for now, I placed her diary back in the locked drawer, she'll be home from work soon.

On Friday night we all went out to our favorite buffet restaurant, again I caught moments where Tricia seemed distant and deep in thought about something other than our family. But those moments didn't last long, the kids usually dragged her back into the present. Most of the time she was smiling, she seemed happy. But you learn to know your spouse perhaps better than you know yourself and I knew there was something eating away at her. When we get home later and put the kids to bed, I'll see if I can find out from her what it is.

As we settled into bed together, Tricia told me that she enjoyed the night out before kissing my cheek then rolling over to face away from me. As I snuggled up behind her hoping for a bit of sex, Tricia said that she's a bit too tired and could we save it for tomorrow night. I reluctantly agreed, rolling onto my back looking up at the ceiling. I can't remember the last time Tricia rejected my sexual advances, apart from when she'd just started that time of the month of course.

I looked over at my wife, what did I want to ask her?

"Honey, can I ask you something?" I asked.

"Can we talk in the morning, Simon? I just want to sleep right now." Tricia answered.

"Yeah, sure." I responded with a sigh.

Maybe I should get my head straight on how to approach this better in the morning. She seemed frustrated with something, I'm not sure if it's me or the kids, or maybe just her life in general. Approaching sensitive topics gently is not usually my forte.

When I got up on Saturday morning, Tricia was already out of bed. As I made my way downstairs, I could already hear cartoons blaring from the TV, Jennifer and Mike are trying to teach Buster to do tricks as well as hearing the kettle whistling.

"Breakfast is ready." I heard Tricia calling out from the kitchen as I followed the smell of coffee and bacon.

"Good to see you're finally up sleepyhead." Tricia remarked as I entered the kitchen, quickly followed by our two kids and a dog.

"Yeah, the lack of sleep the night before finally caught up with me, I guess." I responded.

"Did you have anything on today? I'm dropping off Jenn to her dance classes shortly, are you able to look after Mike?" Tricia asked as we both sat down to eat breakfast.

"Yeah, I might take him down to the park for practice before tomorrow's game." I replied.

After breakfast we all went our separate ways, Tricia and Jenn in the car, me with Mike and Buster down to the park. After only about thirty minutes of practice, Mike wanted to go home to play video games. He said he had all of tomorrow to play baseball, he wanted to play games with his friends online shortly.

When we got home, I wondered what I should do with myself. Tricia will be out with Jenn for another hour and a half, and Mike is already talking with his friends through his game. So, I decided to read her diary some more, maybe I'll get to the part where she talks about her thoughts more recently.

I'm up to about six months ago in her diary timeline, and she started to write about her frustration at not being able to complete any of her books she's been writing for several years now. That owning the bookstore with Gary seemed to exacerbate the problem, not inspire her like she hoped it would. Rather than having all these great books around her every day as inspiration, they served more of a reminder of her own failures to get anything finished or published.

She then wrote about the fact she would turn thirty soon, that she was disappearing into the life of a suburban mom, maybe never to have the excitement of travelling while she was still young enough to enjoy it. She lamented that her life has become routine, maybe too routine. That she seems to do the same things every week without much change or excitement.

She made it clear that she loves both me and the kids, and her life in general. But that she had a growing sense of something being missing, although she didn't elaborate on what that could be.

I skimmed through a few entries that only mentioned stuff that was happening a few months back, nothing enlightening for me about how Tricia was feeling. Then I read the next entry, dated two months ago now.

'I bumped into Travis today while doing errands for the store, I haven't seen or spoken with him for almost two years now. The last few times I saw him we barely said hello to each other in passing, but this was different. He still looks great; he still looks like a rock star. For the first time I felt those butterflies by just being near him again, I don't know why this time and not the others.