The Bookkeeper's Diary

He asked me out for a coffee, I told him I was busy running errands and had to get back to the store. He then said he was pleased I had bought a bookstore, and asked whether I was going to sell any of my own books in there too. It was good seeing him again, it reminded me of all my dreams I had when I was younger, all of those dreams I have since given up.'

Given up? I never said she had to give up her dreams of writing. I even helped her to buy the bookstore in hopes of keeping her dream alive. As for travelling, well, we either spend the money on a house and kids or we spend it on ourselves travelling. I thought she was good with going with a family. Did seeing Travis again start giving her second thoughts about whether she made the right choice? Is that why she's been acting a little distant since this chance meeting?

'I saw Travis again today, only two weeks after we bumped into each other last time. I'm starting to wonder if these are random meetings or if Travis has other motives. He asked me out for coffee again and I kindly reminded him that I'm now a married woman. He reassured me that it was only coffee, nothing else. But I still declined.

Just being near him gave me those feelings again like I used to have, that craving I had for him, wanting to rip his shirt off and tell him to take me. Why am I even having these stupid thoughts? I love Simon and wouldn't dream of ever hurting him or jeopardizing our family. No, I need to put these childish feelings behind me. I love Simon and only Simon.'

What feelings? Is she writing about still having a sexual attraction for her ex-boyfriend? Really? I read on to her next entry dated a few weeks later, unsure where this was going.

'I love my family but my feelings of frustration with my life right now is beginning to chip away at me, and Simon isn't helping matters. Are these frustrations due to me not being able to finish any of my damn books? Is it that I've barely left the state and I'm almost thirty? Maybe it's because my sex life has become a bit too routine like everything else in my life?

I tried to spark us back to life, organizing for us to go away for five days, just me and Simon. In my mind it'd be like having a second honeymoon, God knows we need it. Of course, Simon knocked that plan back due to work commitments. So, I arranged for us to go out to dinner to a fancy restaurant instead, got the kids dropped off for the night at my parents' and spent most of that afternoon getting my hair and nails done just for the evening.

And of course, halfway through our meal Simon gets a call from work, he then spent the next twenty minutes on the phone before telling me he had to go into the plant to sort it out. Seriously? Is he the only one that can deal with issues there? Or is he the only one prepared to drop everything whenever they ask? I was so pissed off; I could barely speak to him as I dropped him off at the plant before picking up the kids. So much for a good night out with a wonderful meal and hot sex.

I know I shouldn't be angry with Simon, that he's always given everything to make sure we have a great home and that means the world to me. Am I simply going through a mid-life crisis early? Is it my impending thirties that has me so rattled? What am I supposed to say to Simon, that even though he's worked his ass off for our family, I want more?

I feel guilty for even feeling this way, and having Travis circling like a shark with blood in the water isn't helping. I know he said it was just coffee, and maybe I should believe him. But it's me I don't trust, not around him anyway.'

I remembered back not long ago that Tricia asked me to go away with her for five days to Mexico, I used work scheduling as an excuse to not go. It was really about the money that I didn't want to spend, it would've cost us more than a month's mortgage payment just to spend a few days in the sun. I also remember our date night at the restaurant, they called me because the regular shift foreman was away on vacation with his wife, yeah, the irony.

I had no idea that she'd been trying to put some life back into our relationship as a couple, as usual I'm the last guy to figure that stuff out. Hell, if I wasn't reading her diary now, I'd probably still not know that's what she was trying to do. But what about lately, over the last few weeks? I don't think she's been trying much at all. Has she given up on the idea? She didn't even want sex with me last night. I looked at the date of the next entry, dated less than a month ago, before reading on.

'I had coffee with Travis. I know it's just coffee, but I shouldn't have, there's nothing to be gained by catching up with him reminiscing about old times. His looks haven't changed that much at all, but now he's a part owner of the guitar shop he previously worked at. He still goes on the road with his band although a lot less than he used to apparently. He seems like he's finally starting to become a responsible adult, of sorts.

Meeting him was nice, and although I had those butterflies once more, I kept both them and me under control. Talking with him reminded me of what I thought about when I was younger, but that version of me is no longer. I made my choices, and I wouldn't go back and change them, not for a second. I don't want Travis, I want Simon. I just wish there was a bit more of Travis in Simon sometimes, especially when it comes to travelling or when we're in the bedroom.'

What the actual fuck? She's happy with her choice of being with me except that she's stuck here and also wishes I would fuck her more like he used to?! And she had coffee with her ex-boyfriend, a guy she still clearly has a sexual attraction for. It might not have been a date, but she clearly knows the risks she's taking here, and that she's prepared to take them, has me a little worried.

Her next entry was the entry I had read when I first started reading her diary.

'My frustrations with my life are still building; I can't explain it. I really need to get my thoughts together, to sort all this out before I do something stupid. I feel so conflicted within myself right now and I can't help but feel more than a little guilty for even having these feelings. I had coffee again and I know that I shouldn't have, that it may only make this worse. I don't know what might happen from here and I don't know how I feel about that right now, hopefully nothing will come from it.'

Her entry I previously read seemed to make a whole lot more sense to me now. Is she conflicted about wanting to sleep with Travis again? Am I reading my wife's thoughts as she's trying to decide whether to cheat on me or not?

I can't believe she'd ever do that, but I also wouldn't have believed that she was still seeing her old boyfriend up until we were engaged to be married. I always thought I knew her better than I knew myself, it's turning out that I don't know her anywhere near as well as I thought I did.

And what about me? Have I been ignoring the waning passion between us lately? Am I helping to push her away? I started to read her diary to get an insight as to how I could make her happy again, to understand why she's seemed a bit distant over the last few weeks. Now that I know, I don't know what the fuck I should do to fix that.

Do I tell her I've broken her trust by reading her diary and am unhappy with what I've read? It's her life's journal, not mine. She should be free to write whatever she wants in there without her own husband using it against her. No, I need to figure out how I can do what I set out to do, to make her and us happy again.

The last entry in her diary was about her going away to the convention in Indianapolis with Gary, so I put her diary away, going outside to do some yard work to help get my thoughts together. I decided that I needed to bend a little, to not be so focused on my own dreams and to help give Tricia some of hers. I can't write her novels for her, but I can take her travelling. Sure, it'll mean we can't pay off our mortgage as quickly, but what's the point of that if by the end we're no longer together?

Yeah, that trip to Mexico, I'll find the arrangements Tricia made and see if I can book them. That's a good start, but I also want us to start having regular date nights, sending the kids to our parent's and making sure the plant doesn't call me. I've been so wrapped up in our family and my job that I've neglected us, Tricia and me as a couple. That changes right now.

I went inside and found the travel itinerary and the resort brochure Tricia had previously shown me, then went online and booked for five days including flights for a few weeks' times. The benefit of being the boss is that I don't need to ask at work for permission, just organize a back-fill. I then called Tricia's parents to see if they minded having the kids during our holiday, but also for tonight, explaining that I wanted to have a date night with their daughter. Marla happily agreed and told me that she and her husband Peter would always love to have the kids stay over for us in the future as well. That having a special night each week just for us was important in any marriage.

After booking a table at the restaurant for tonight, I was happier about the situation with my wife. At least now I was trying to help put the spark back into our relationship instead of being a roadblock. Hopefully Tricia wouldn't see it as being so one-sided anymore.

When my wife got home with Jennifer, she seemed more than a little distracted and distant once again. I'm not sure what happened while she was out this morning, but it was time I started to make this right. I came over and hugged her from behind while she was in the kitchen preparing lunch for everyone.

"Hey, who's the most gorgeous woman in all of Indiana?" I asked Tricia as I kissed her neck from behind.

"Come on Simon, I'm trying to make all our lunches here." Tricia replied.

"Well, don't make too much. The kids are spending the night at your parents' and we both know how much they like to feed them. Also, Mike has a game in the morning, and I don't want him being too slow running the bases." I added.

Tricia turned her head to look at me with a curious look across her face.

"What's going on, Simon? Since when do we ever send the kids to mom and dad's on a Saturday night?"

"Since tonight, and from now on every Saturday night. I thought I'd give you a fair warning so you can get ready later to go to that fancy restaurant we went to last time. There won't be any phone calls this time though, it'll be just us and the place to ourselves when we get home." I replied as I squeezed her ass a little and kissed her neck once more.

"Really? What's gotten into you? Can someone please give me my husband back? I think we have an imposter." Tricia said with a giggle as she turned to kiss my lips.

"No, it's really me. We haven't been spending enough quality time together, just the two of us. That all changes from now on." I responded as we kissed some more.

Tricia wrapped her arms around my neck, a beaming smile across her face.

"Every Saturday night you say? Just what are we going to do with the whole place to ourselves? Watch a movie?" Tricia asked in a sexy joking tone.

"Not on your life. We're going to be way too busy for that." I replied once more, kissing her lips again.

"This isn't just a ploy to get me knocked up again, is it?" Tricia asked.

"That's up to you, but pregnant or not, we're having Saturday nights to ourselves from now on. That much I can promise you." I replied.

Tricia kissed me again, more passionately this time rather than with just soft loving kisses. We eventually broke apart laughing when Mike soon came into to the kitchen to check on his lunch and yelled out 'Gross' when seeing his mom and dad making out like teenagers.

Dinner at the restaurant was terrific, the food and wine were great but more important to me was the beautiful woman I had sitting across from me. I broke the news about the planned holiday to Mexico, telling her that I was able to re-schedule my commitments at work after all. That made her so happy, she was positively glowing.

We later went home and enjoyed the type of passionate sex that we'd been missing for a while now, I even backed up for round two half an hour later. Yeah, the night was a complete success. I can understand now why Tricia was trying to make this happen before, I'm more than a little annoyed with myself that I didn't understand that without having read her diary first.

She did try to talk to me about this, I guess I was just so happy being stuck in life's routine to notice what she was trying to tell me. Well, she has my attention now.

On Sunday morning we picked up the kids from Tricia's parents' house before heading to the ballpark. Taking a change of clothes and Mikes catching mitt with us, along with Buster, of course. When we got there, Tricia decided to take both Jenn and Buster to the open park next door for a bit, to wear Jenn out before she had to sit still and watch her brother play.

I walked over to my friend Russell, Mike's coach, to say hello and talk about the game this morning. But after saying hello and having a quick chat about the lineup, Russell asked me something unexpected.

"Hey Simon, I don't want to be stepping over a line here, but do you mind if I ask you something? Something a little personal?"

"Umm, sure, ask away I guess." I replied, not knowing where he was leading this conversation.

"Does your wife know Travis Jones? He's a local Musician in town." Russell asked.

I looked at Russel for a moment, of all the things he could've asked me about, why would he ask me about him?

"Yeah, she knew him in college. Why would you ask me that?" I asked in return.

"It's probably nothing, I don't want to sound like I'm saying there's anything wrong, it's just that I saw your wife sitting in a café with Travis yesterday morning when I was in town doing some shopping." Russell replied.

"But why'd you think I needed to know that? Tricia has coffee with all different people she knows." I responded, a little annoyed with where this was going.

What I was actually annoyed with is that Tricia had a coffee date again with Travis while Jenn was at her dance class, the only way I could see that happening is if it was planned. Is she already lying to me about Travis already? Or at least purposefully forgetting to mention that she was meeting up with her ex-boyfriend.

"Look, I know how this sounds, and I don't want to be crossing the line here, but I have a history with Travis. He's not a good guy." Russell replied, he could no doubt hear my annoyance in my tone.

"What sort of history are you talking about, Russell?"

"Well, you know that I got divorced about a year ago now, Carla and I actually split up six months before that, though. Well, I found out she'd been cheating on me for about a year at that point, so I ended our marriage." Russell replied.

"Yeah, I know. You've mentioned this before by the way. Did this have something to do with Travis?" I responded.

"You could say that. Travis was the guy she was fucking the entire time." Russell answered.

"Okay, so definitely not a good guy. Is your ex-wife still with him?" I asked Russell, I was curious for obvious reasons.

"Nah, he ditched her before we were even officially divorced. I heard she wanted to move in with him and he wasn't having that. He only likes the married women apparently. That is, he likes fucking them behind their husbands back but doesn't want a proper relationship with them. Carla tried to get back with me once she realized Travis was just using the dumb bitch for sex, that he never wanted to be with her at all. I told her to fuck off and that's when she got pissed with me and got herself some good lawyers to take me to the cleaners." Russell informed me.

"Wait, so she cheated on you all that time, but because you wouldn't take her back after her boyfriend ditched her, she wanted revenge on you?" I asked, a little surprised.

"Yeah, somehow, she tried to paint herself as being the victim. But it worked, the courts don't give a shit about what really happened, only about looking after the wife once it all goes to hell. She told the court she wanted to reconcile but that I refused, so therefore she got pretty much everything." Russell replied.

"Yeah, that's fucked up." I said in a somber tone.

"Look Simon, I'm not saying there's anything going on between Travis and your wife, they were just having coffee as far as I could tell. But she's exactly the type of woman he goes for. I'm just saying I want you to be careful, he's a fucking snake in the grass."

"Thanks Russell, I mean that. They used to date in college, my wife and Travis. She didn't just know him back then; he was her boyfriend when I first met her." I replied.

"Fuck, okay. You really better watch him then. He'll probably think it'll be easier for him if they already have a history." Russell added.

I went back to the stands, waiting for Tricia and Jennifer to join me. Russell was right, Travis will probably like his chances of getting back in between Tricia's legs because of their history. Hell, even Tricia has written about still having thoughts about him sexually. He'll probably think that it'll be like taking candy from a baby.

Do I need to talk with Tricia about her having coffee with Travis, to stop this before it even has a chance to go too far? I just don't know how I would do that without her getting suspicious that I've read her diary. Maybe Russell just provided the perfect way for me to raise it. I'm just not sure if I should raise it at all, I'm hoping she'll reject seeing him any further all on her own after last night and with our holiday coming soon.

The next week went well, even work was unusually uneventful. Tricia and I had our usual sex a few times during the week, everything felt good between us. Once again on Saturday night we dropped the kids off at their grandparents' house before Tricia and I went out to see a movie this time. I wasn't sure if it was the movie or something else, but once again Tricia seemed more than a little distant. It's almost like every time I spoke with her, I was interrupting her thoughts, taking her a moment to think about what I'd asked her before she'd respond. I'm guessing she had coffee again this morning with Travis while Jenn was in her dance class. Is that why she's been so preoccupied?

When we got home, it wasn't much better. The sex was uninspiring to say the least, for whatever reason we just weren't clicking together this time. I wanted to say something then and there, to ask her if she was too busy thinking about him, about Travis. I felt like telling her if she couldn't help herself thinking about him while she's with me, she might as well just fucking go and be with him and save us all a lot of trouble.

But I didn't. I love her, but in that moment, it feels like she's already betraying me even if she hasn't even touched him yet. I'm angry but did my best to not show it, I need a game plan on how to approach this without pushing her away. That'd be exactly what someone like Travis would like right now, us fighting and not having sex. He could then be her shoulder to cry on, easy pickings.

I wasn't going to hand her to him, fuck that. I wasn't going to make it easy for her to go to him either, to give her a reason.

On Sunday we talked a little, just the usual stuff without really saying anything at all. So, then it was back to work and routine on Monday.

On Thursday afternoon, I found myself at a bar downtown with some of the other interstate plant managers after spending two days in conferences. I was surprised to see Gary, my wife's best friend and business co-owner there as well with two other gentlemen.