All Comments on 'The Boss Pt. 02'

Every cliche in the book.

Goddamn. You literally put me to sleep with this bullshit.

If you wrote this intending it to be boring then congratulations, you succeeded.

Interesting conclusion to your story!

5

It was the 4th of 5th paragraph down where the idiot husband actually wonders after all that has happened whether or not he should divorce his wife.

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Should I divorce Connie? I mentally debated doing that.

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I actually burst out laughing

But even in your story Cals attorney pulled his bacon out of the fire a couple of times.

That really was nonsensical drivel.

The dialogue was particularly unrealistic.

What about the money that Connie stole from him after the sale of the house? Surely she would've had to repay him thousands?

It was hard to feel that sympathetic to the husband because he was such a wimp. What kind of a man starts a business with a friend, then let's them have full control while remaining just an employee? Not only that, but the entire success of the business was based off his expertise... and what kind of a man lets himself be exploited like that?

It's not surprising that the two dykes thought he'd go along with being a willing cuckold. He showed no evidence of having any backbone... especially when he found out the truth and just ran away.

Nice story, but the part 1 was more interesting and more emotionally charged. Part 2 lacks the emotion and intrigue of the first part. At the end Connie ended being the bigger loser since she lost those two people she claimed to love. But what could she expect, when she fell in love with a woman without scruples. A relationship between Emily and Calvin seems to me more natural, than with Karen. Emily was there for him when he started his own business and needed a friend. His relationship with Karen seems to me rushed and lacking feelings. Overall the story was a good read. Thank for the story, and please , keep writing.

Farmer_Son has a hard time dig himself out from the hole he put himself in the first part. Miraculously. All of a sudden a dunce from the first part "Cal" goes from sleeping in wet grass through racking manure and then to stars of a business success. Few months into business and he already subsidizes a whole payroll. Very believable while his enemy "Toni" goes into opposite direction downward all the way to a welfare recipient? All of that with mumbo-jumbo of "contract", "projects", :clients" etc.

This could have been a lot better story if "Cal" was not so dense in the first part and if there was some realism in the train wreck of the second part.

And more, why do we have to read about potshots taken at the "vegans"? Are you trying to tie "vegans" with "lesbians" while making some sort of political statement?

Constance is loony toons.

I expected a RAAC, but you actually finished with the guy coming out aces. 5* for both chapters.

Overall, I liked the outcome, however, most of it seemed almost magical. Cal seems almost clueless as he bumbles through his life. All the people around him make the magic happen. Cal's ONLY contribution seems to be his wise and determined stance to be quit of Constance and Toni. That also leads him to change his employment. OK, good on him. His job direction, in general, is formed from his own initiative. However, all of his personal success and much of his business success comes from those around him, magically.

Constance is the typical, brain dead, "loving" wife, still trying to get him to accept her distorted lifestyle plans when he has made it abundantly clear he has NO interest in living that way. As layer after layer of Toni's machinations are exposed, Constance is still "loving" Toni. It's funny, Toni was no different than stories that have a male boss seduce the wife of an employee and plays games with his employment to do it. She is cruel and evil (and incompetent).

Cal wins the day and ends up happy. "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo". Toni and her child are condemned. Constance is almost erased. It seems like things end up as a BTB story but it feels blandly tasteless.

Very good. I enjoyed every word of it.

Thank you author Farmers_Son, you didn't disappoint me with this sequel.

But I do feel deeply sad for Toni's son. He, of all the characters, is the most unfortunate innocent victim of them all. With Toni as a mother, I felt very sympathetic towards him. He doesn't deserve the pain coming to his life. Of Cal getting rid of Constance was really a relief for me as a reader. Constance has nothing but a vagina for a brain, which is why the relief. She might be a good mother to her daughter but a despicable wife to anyone. I was really into Cal getting hitched with Emily, as she was better looking than Constance. I mean, wow, having beautiful models for wives, that is so the ultimate fantasy of every man. Cal could have pursued Emily hard, let her resign or put her as partner/investor and put Karen into her position, right? Man, I'd go for Emily.

This is such a stupid story on almost ever level. The husband is an idiot who helped start a business with his best friend but has no ownership and is worked like a slave. Then goes and starts another business and doesn't pull rank to get his ex fired from the campaign. Doesn't get the named changed on his child while in court. Doesn't countersue anyone. Everyone walks all over him even after he should have been hardened. And for the love of God, stop having your characters run away to bumb fuck nowhere to lick their wounds.

It is great to see Farmers_son back and hopefully writing regularly again. He is one of our best. Fivexstars for this one and a special thanks for posting part two so promptly.

No legal repercussions for one spouse selling off a joint asset and keeping all the profits!

That was a very boring read. There is so many words for so little progress in the story. And where a lot of the progress happens, only few lines in one paragraph. And very important exposition happens where it doesn't make sense at all. From a judge in a courtroom? Really?

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Does none of the main character have any family? Parents, siblings, in-laws? Why bother including a child/pregnancy in a story where no other family members exists. Somehow only this new character Emily have families. I'm not asking about family because Vin Diesel but for a 'realistic' story, a lot of the interaction and plot progress feels very unnatural and lacking without them. This became a lot more obvious by the end when the judge propose foster care system instead of immediate family member.

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Who cares about their business! How did the interaction goes between Nancy and Calvin right after Connie was revealed to be the model. Why did such important piece get only few lines and then we got paragraphs and more paragraphs of irrelevant stuff before they eventually talk about it. And why was it with someone else instead of Calvin.

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Why is this Emily that intrusive in private matters during their first meeting?

We got plenty of lines of Emily interacting with Constance, and plenty of emotions to add, and that was their first meeting.

What do we got when Constance and Toni were finally confronted with their offense at court? One paragraph. Only one paragraph of emotionless narration with no dialogue or reaction of the confrontation.

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Instead of resolving the old conflict, we got new development that is only revealed after he decided he wants to take care of the baby.

And why is every new development only discovered in court? Such as that trademarking stuff. This storytelling is awful.

And why did the judge knows that much and only reveal it that late? Instead of writing the judge's exposition in dialogue, why not just write it down in narration. That dialogue is bullshit. It reads like a news report.

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Oh, I want to know more about Toni! What did Calvin do about her meddling? Did he take any lawful measure that will make her pay for the repeated attempt of exploiting his daughter? Did he get his condo sale money back?

Do I want to know about Agri Design? NO!

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Boring, waste of time.

In rhe spirit of "if you can't say something nice, say nothing", I shall withhold my vote.

You redeemed yourself a bit from the first part by not making Cal into a wimp. I don't quite see the "living well" piece of retribution on Connie and Toni though. And I think the ending about Toni's son having autism is too extreme. I get it, you are trying for realism in this fiction, but that's not why people read fiction.

I still look forward to your future sharings.

Why would he shed one tear for his cheating wife? Why would Constance keep a relationship with Toni after all of machinations had been revealed? She had attempted to use the baby to make money more than once. Toni was pure evil and will pay for her acts for the rest of her lonely poor life. Cal was an idiot in many ways and easily manipulated. He got to the right place in the end by luck and the help of others.

I’m sorry, this really jumped the shark when the judge gave liberal visitation to a guy who had never even met his child or shown any interest in raising it, and forbade Toni from having any contact with it. Constance was a shitty wife and Toni a shitty boss, but there’s no evidence that either was a bad or negligent parent, and there’s no evidence that he would be a good parent. Not to mention the judge threatening to take the child away from two parents who have homes and no substance abuse issues and put it into foster care. Just a laughably bad attempt to BTB.

swedishreader1

That really was nonsensical drivel.

The dialogue was particularly unrealistic.

I noticed in your profile that you haven't submitted any stories, write one with 'DIALOGUE' of your own and see if it comes out realistic or not.

Farmer, you did good.

"As I walked I tried to figure out how to make them pay for their treachery." - It's not exactly making them pay, but assuming his version of the partnership doesn't go through, (BTW, why would he want it to?), simply divorce Connie, and quit Toni.

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It's not hard and fast that you pay for the other parties legal fees, and I don't believe it matters who files. In cases where you do, I would think (hope?) that the court would intervene to ensure that the opponent's lawyer wasn't deliberately running up the fees.

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Toni might be the one who initially drums up the business, but he's the one the client's deal with, and they know that he's the creative force.

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I know he says that he's not ready for the confrontation, but I wouldn't go to such pains to hide. Stay in a decent motel, fuck it!

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"I still wanted to hurt Toni somehow but couldn't figure out how at the moment." - He'll hurt her by not providing her with his services.

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"Somehow the copy that Toni's attorney had in his possession did not have the final page with the I.P. Freely signature and the entire revised agreement was missing except for the signature page." - THAT'S why they should have brought the contract to Toni and just flipped to the back page and had her sign.

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"Then I got a text message from Jenifer White. She was getting fed up with Toni and wasn't alone in her displeasure. According to her Toni had become a nasty autocrat after my jumping ship. Work was suffering and clients were not pleased with the output. - Show, don't tell! Let's see this conversation.

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"The judge first admonished her attorney for even coming up with such a piss poor agreement." - I assume he's talking about the original agreement, but what about the fraud of taking his signature page from HIS agreement and attaching it to hers?

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Heh, of course the Mayor has an attractive daughter available to help him run the business. And of course she's even more beautiful than his ex-model wife, and left her marriage under similar circumstances to his. Good move NOT making her his new Honey.

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"that can't be cheating if you are having sex with someone you love." - LOL, I believe that's a new one - If you love your paramour it's not cheating!

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"The way we went about it harmed him more than we had anticipated." - There's no way she couldn't have anticipated that harm. It was a calculated plan to inflict harm.

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"give us that opportunity to make him understand he is loved and cherished by me and by Toni." - He's SO "loved and cherished" that they tried to get him to sign that slavery partnership agreement.

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"Why can't Toni have any contact with our daughter?" - He didn't say that Toni couldn't have any contact, just that she couldn't be alone with Jenny or be a care giver.

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"I had no idea what Toni was doing and is in the process of trying to do." - She obviously didn't know what Toni was trying to do, but she was well aware of what she WAS doing.

Okay ending to the story, but the Judge ranting like he did at the end of the hearing was farfetched to say the least. I kinda rolled my eyes and skimmed that speech but the rest was decent. Thanks for sharing and for not keeping us waiting forever to conclude the tale.

I actually looked forward to finishing it.

I doubt that a psycho like Toni would have been able to hide her true personality for that long. Either that or Cal and Connie, as well as the entire staff at the original agency, were all simply oblivious people.

I thought Part 1 was a little more believable. Part 2, with Toni as the super-villainess, was more cartoonish.

A good bit of editing would have helped but overall, this was a great story. Thanks for the read.

Definitely a new twist in the LW section but with all of the subterfuge going on I thought it would be a better story. Too bad.

Did I misread the sentences where he said the satellite office/town was 1000 miles from his new domicile? His visits between the two took 4-5 hours driving? Seems a LITTLE unreasonable knowing roads, speed limits, and traffic police kinda being against this behavior, don’t you think?

Another bait and switch by this author. I was hoping we'd finally get a story where the MC is drugged and sodomized and discovers he likes it, but once again it's only teasing and no delivery.

Too stupid; too confusing; too boring.

2**

“CPS had also … run afoul of Emily”? I had to read that and the context several times before realizing the wording was incorrect. CPS got “involved” with Emily and the ladies of the community. But “run afoul” means to get involved in such a way that you violate rules or laws and get in some degree of trouble as a result (see definitions online or in a print dictionary). I know some people see comments like this is picky, but words are a writer’s tools and misusing them has a cost. I lost several minutes trying to figure out what the heck was wrong that I would much prefer to have spent engrossed in the world of the story without unnecessary distractions.

God awful story telling. Just so far out . In another world of reality . Facts and judges, Constance and Emily . Having all these great looking women at your beck and call. The ex wife broke the law when she pocketed the proceeds to the condo. He had a lawyer with power of attorney so how was that possible if the condo was in both names. Terrible 😣 story telling.

Another 5 for the Farmers_Son - story traced a similar arc in some respects to "If You Truly Love Me" by the great CreativityTakesCourage but was different enough to stand out on its own. Liked the happy (for Cal) ending and the unhappy one for Toni, though it's too bad her son has to pay for his mother's evil.

Great story, well done, and very enjoyable to read.

Really felt this part lacked gusto. Starting with his wimpy reaction to the knowledge that his wife and boss were in a relationship. He ran out and slept in a field rather than asserting himself. Reading that was a turn off and left a sour note in my mind for the rest of the story.

Toni was written as a master manipulator, and Constance should have caught on long before she did. I liked that there was zero tolerance to anything having to do with Toni.

IMHO, the pregnancy should have been part of the plan to sucker Cal into acceptance. Constance should have intentionally gone off birth control, and tried to get pregnant, but may not have known if she was at the confrontation at the end of chapter one.

I actually liked that Constance and Tony had different views about their future, and that part should have been expanded. There was Constance having sex with Cal, while Tony thought he’d been cut off.

I somewhat wanted Cal to stick around for a few day before bolting. I wanted Constance to have sex with Cal, and Constance and Tony to get into an argument over that. I wanted Cal to sell his partnership in Zapiro to a third party, after Toni refused his offer on 10% of the real worth. I also wanted the value to be about the value of condo so the Cal kept the money from the sale of the partnership, and Constance got the value of the condo.

Cal was still a weak and damaged person at the end. When Zapiro failed, he should have had a better self assessment. He should have been able to propose to Karen.

The only smart thing Cal did for the first two thirds of the story in his private life was suspecting the contract instead of blindly signing. Him deciding to go hide and all that was totally stupid. Ignoring his ex was just as dumb. He should have been following what she was saying. He needed to know the content of those messages.

It worked out that he moved and started the agri design business but it was an unneeded complication to the story. He could have stayed where he was and work for those same people. He could have done that on his own. And if it worked into his business, then fine.

I understand the shock of what the women did. He dicked around for almost a year. Not asking for half his condo but taking half the bank balances? Another dumb move on his part early on. His attorney should have automatically asked for it. All that is part of closing. His lawyer saved his ass every other time, why not then?

Still I gave you 4 stars.

Sorry but that was actually pretty boring

I liked the judge - he saw through Toni's BS. Glad that our protagonist landed on his feet and found a new lady. Story was reasonably well paced and the character development was ok, especially Toni as an evil manipulative bitch.

Low respect for MC because he didn't even attempt to have a relationship with his daughter until the court all but compelled him to do so. Perhaps Karen has a parenting gene, because none of the primary three seemed to be so blessed. 5/5. Good story.

Nothing major but it's "tout de suite." "Immediately; at once; as quickly as possibly. Often given the coarse pronunciation "toot sweet" or incorrect spelling "tout suite" in English."

As far as the legal shit went judges don't do what your judge did. 4*

Chapeau, that was fine work. Your protagonist, a really harmless bird in the first chapter, has developed masterfully, as has the whole story. All of my fears were dispelled and I enjoyed reading the story. What I particularly liked was that there were no big actions, but that life, as it is in reality, was drawn. Thanks for the good entertainment!

The one that is going to pay is the little boy, Someone should have neutered the bitch to prevent her from ruining anymore lives.

Thank you for your story. For me, the first part was mostly a rippa. I couldn’t wait for the second part. Original setup, if a little overdone—if everyone reading gets it three quarters through, why didn’t the hero—especially with the spa etc.? That was laying it on too thick in my opinion. But I get it that you wanted to make the “wounded animal” aspect more believable. The “wounded animal” approach was as beautiful a summary of this fight or flight response to hurt as I have read. The problem for me is that I felt that it boxed you in a little into a direction for the second half—given how the character feels, surely the other characters have to be very bad to cause this response. Magical thinking, I know, but the second half became much more 2 dimensional. So that authorial decision made it harder to escape what part two became.

The second half was a bit of a disappointment for me because of three reasons. First you went all trope-y with his responses. Second, you painted the pair of them as pretty evil and manipulative. So it became a black vs. white narrative which tend on the whole to be 2 dimensional and not very interesting. Complexity reflects the real world and is more interesting in my mind to read about. Third, introducing the pregnancy adds a complication that is not worth the set up and the ensuing court drama—for me, this took a lot of narrative energy away from the central conflict and bogged us down in procedural stuff which was not very exciting for me to read. Why? What happens if you get rid of that element? The story is way shorter with more room for other things—you could have explored the relational angle a bit more and dug into the whys of a pretty good sociopath. How could he have not seen this?

Some thoughts: why make Connie evil as well? As she was duped at the child hearing as to TL’s why not as to how bad the contract is? She trust TL so much that when she says that this will be good everyone, she would believe her. Clearly she can be manipulated and is a tad clueless. It can still end up in divorce, but it will make for a more interesting ride, in my opinion. And that is the major sticking point for me—you set up this great psychological tension between our hero and TL in part one and then it evaporates in part two. What might have happened if instead of staying away, he came back to have a series of conversations—delving into ownership, trust, means-ends, and marking. That last was so provocative—with your emphasis on oral sex, seeing the heart shape each time he would have been having oral sex with his wife—the ownership brand and it’s implications; there is some room for a great Connie epiphany there. Connie could also be lead through to understanding what the contract entailed as Cal opens her eyes in one of a series on conversation—perhaps the first after he gets back to confront theme.g., “well, consider me selling my shares as my severance” met with TL’s smug refutation, Cal using her over confidence to show Connie just how awful the contract is by allowing TL to counter every thing Cal could possibly do to escape with a shred of dignity from this impossible situation—does she want Cal at any cost, or does she have a moral core in the face of her lover’s despicable conduct? Will she be conscious party to her husband’s enslavement? Her choice in that circumstance could have had real emotional weight and would propel the narrative forward out of necessity rather than relying on a deus ex machina of an unexpected pregnancy. And also for a reader’s compassion as she realizes what she threw away and could still throw away—in part or completely. There could have been room for him to pretend to capitulate and come back to the office with TL saying that they had great news, for the great denunciation publicly which would have been cathartic for your readers as well as for our protagonist. The way the story ends with TL getting “all her Harry Potter books burned and children getting pinkeye” is so trite that it also deadens what came before. I would add that the instability of the driven business owner is also out of. Left field. TL is really good at what she does. Why cheapen the story by loading the dice against her with a sudden attack of the incompetencies? Graveyards are filled with indispensable men. Keep her a worthy yet deeply flawed opponent. The greater the antagonist the more worthy the hero. And I agree with the observation that his own initial apathy to his boss’ behavior is something he should address. He gets there, but the delay costs him some moral righteousness that he should own.

In summary: great setup had me on tenterhooks in a way I hadn’t felt in a long while here (even if you laid on his cluelessness a bit thick at the end of part one) for the confrontation and given your choices, it fizzled. Would you be interested in reworking part two? I think this is actually a three part story. Three acts. Again, thank you for your work. I enjoy reading your stories very much.

Hard to believe that in 2021 some people still cling to the long ago disproved idea of sexual orientation as a "lifestyle choice." Connie and Toni made distasteful lifestyle choices that included adultery, attempted enslavement of someone they both claimed to love, thievery and fraud. Being a woman who is attracted to other women is not a choice, however, and members of the LGBTQ community are no more likely to engage in the antisocial behaviors demonstrated by Connie and Toni than are heterosexuals. Some straight folks are good people and some are turds. The same is true for folks who are LGBTQ.

A good easy read story but you fell into the rushed non detailed ending like many other writers. Cut out some of your "fill" writing and concentrate on a good fairly detailed ending. You covered all the loose ends but just not deep enough.

I don't even know what to say about this other than I was bored to tears.

Perfect to cure insomnia

of your tribe.

Dykes! I tells ya... Vegan Dykes!... Vegan Dykes from California (or outer space, or wherever...)!

Frankly, I've got other things to worry about.

And so, it makes your narrative feel basically silly.

YMMV, and good luck next time out -

Green-something

Thanks for taking your time to give us some free entertainment.

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I think the change from the original idea (Phil Phantom?) which you recounted as more drastic, to a moderate story, created some imbalance for you. Reconciling the behavior of Toni and the attorney, and to a lesser degree Connie didn't work out (quite).

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However, I still enjoyed reading it.

I would really like to say this is fantastic just to counterbalance the moronic droning of commentators who can't differentiate between a fictional story and their personalised view of what should happen. It wasn't, but it was a good little entertaining story offered by a decent writer who tries hard. Thank you for your work 4*

I thought it was good to a point. Why did he never confront his long time "friend" about her behaviour? I agree with others that there is a lot of fill in this story. I think the story might have been improved by a sit down with the cheaters where he hit them with two barrels about their lying and disrespect. What had he ever done to them to deserve what they did to him? That question was never addressed. Still a good story so 4 stars from me.

Although the course proceedings would never go the way you describe, it still warmed my heart that justice was done there. Agree the ending was rushed a bit, but not as bad as some I've seen. 5*

Can't fathom why you would mention Autism as part of the bad things that Toni got that she deserved. One of every six people who read your work is likely to have Autism or to be the parent or sibling of a person with Autism. How do you think they feel when they read your characterization, albeit implied, that Autism is some how justice served on a bad person?

Interesting story, but a total fantasy as far as the husband/father succeeding in any way like this. No court would entertain taking a child from it's mother and giving it to the father. He'd be ostracised from his kid and ruined financially, that's the reality.

After tuning out all the extraneous fluff and filler, I really enjoyed this. Toni was a stone bitch and an excellent villain. Connie was the dim bulb you would expect a model to be, and a delusional cheater as well. Our hero got his life together, and beat the cheaters at their own game. Toni was true to her nature to the bitter end. I was happy to see her end up as a fat, single mother. Good story.

Punctuating Dialogue, 101

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If a paragraph doesn’t begin with a quotation mark, that indicates it’s narrative.

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When one character is speaking and is not uninterrupted by narrative or another character talking, every paragraph starts with a mark, but only the last one has a closing mark.

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When one paragraph ends with a quotation mark and the very next one starts with a mark, that indicates the character speaking has changed.

A bit long in the trial stage but still good.

I'll just leave you and your ridiculousness with a simple...ROFLMAO.

Sorry but you really brought that out of me, I tried to keep it in, I really did, but there was too much wrong with what you think and how you think that a laugh is well deserved.

1 star - primarily for the lesbian content.

The actual story was interesting all on its own, without relationship stuff - that was really fracked up.

I would say that the story was worth a 5 star rating, because I really liked it.

Please try to write another, but with hetero relationships only.

Not much about Toni to like.

The characters became too black and white as the story progressed. I prefer more nuance. Still, a good read.

Premise is good but it lacked emotion and the confrontation was rushed and fell flat.

Long…..boring…and not the least bit erotic. I don’t think Literotica is the place for this. The wife and girlfriend seem like exact clones of every single cheating wife in these types of stories. Authors can’t seem to write a decent character that isn’t too stupid to realize what they are doing is wrong and that their husbands will accept it. Come on, you clearly have talent. Put it to good use and create interesting characters next time.

OMG, Toni was probably one of the most despicable chars I've seen outside of a shadowtramp story. It did seem to drag a bit.

Can't handle the Love Is Blind premise behind the entire plot. Dumb shit didn't see Connie drifting away and betrayal. Connie didn't see Lizard Woman as the complete sociopath and monster she eventually revealed beyond blindness. Love isn't blind, stupid cowardly denial is blind, actually ignorant. Blame it on Love, blame it on an eating disorder, blame it on your parents, blame it on an addiction, blame it on anyone or anything but where the blame truly lay.

As to the execution I found the extent and scope of pointless details tedious and distracting. Did we really need to know that much about diary farming, how many desks were in the new office, the clothes being worn or the food being provided? Why? Read like someone was being paid by the word.

Finally, was it your intention to make it obvious that the MC married a woman with no brain, no heart, and no soul? Who's fault is that? Like human succubi are really hard to discern, about as hard as a methane gas leak in a flower shop. Or is it another case of Martian Slut Ray? She's loving loyal faithful and virtuous for years, and then, Shazam, she's fucking him over in just about every way possible: emotionally, financially, and socially. But she still loves him? That's not disbelief, that's Science Fiction; she ain't human.

Not bad, just not near as good as it might have been. Still, thanks for the effort.

I thing you missed the author's intent. Emily and the ladies did not "run afoul" of the CPS folks. It was the opposite. When CPS started poking into Agri Design Solutions they met resistance from Emily and the ladies, They were going to make sure the MC would be seen as a potential custodial parent with support of the whole community.

BTW, you are correct that "run afoul" to mean going against the law, but it also can mean to collide with or become entangled with which CPS certainly did.

For the story, I liked it. As with most of FS stories, two chapters is the most one wants to see his stories go. Any more than that he usually overthinks it and comes up with some wild-assed RAAC ending. Full marks from me.

Meh.

I Think the wife us BSc ... That Stands for Bat Shit Crazy .. I also Think that Toni is BSC also

In a world where honesty, integrity, and fidelity are situational, ad gimmicks are accepted as "needs", and tout de suite has become "toot sweet", it is no surprise when a wife and a best friend are revealed to be bitches (skanks and whores). What? You say hat the previous description is real life? Well, then, why would anyone want to put up with that every day and then read about it at night?

Oh, and morphing Flossie into Connie doesn't work.

LWlurker

Entertaining read. But I felt you went over-the-top in making Toni into a super villain. Hers was such a dramatic change that I had a hard time believing her actions. The other thing that made no real sense was starting a satellite office for his business. As a fledgling business that seemed like a receipt for disaster and too obvious a plot foil. Having Karen expose him to her kids and having them call him Uncle Cal also seemed premature. But I guess you have to accelerate a story line when you're limited to 4 pages. Oh well.

Why in a collection called "Loving Wives" do we have so many stories about hate. Is that what drives people to write, are we that poor at understanding ourselves that we can only find interest in the worst of our natures. Love is the cement has bound societies together and hate is the acid that seeks to disolve them. Yeah and the bit about LBGTGQ folk being by nature nasty folk, really gets clean up my nose...find another punching bag FGS!

Well, you did warn that there was no sex in this chapter, and you were true to your word. As such, I think this tale should be categorized as "Non-Erotic" rather than "Loving Wives", and had it been categorized as such, I would have simply skipped over this story as being too boring. I therefore gave you 2 stars for the unbelievable characters, the misspelled words, the cliché plot devices, and the pretty amazing courtroom drama. As one anonymous commenter has already pointed out, "toot sweet" is properly spelled "tout de suite". "Toot sweets" were a candy developed by Dick Van Dyke's character in the "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" movie, and you should have surely known that the phrase was French had you bothered to look it up in an online dictionary. The same anonymous commenter also pointed out that judges don't do what this judge did. Maybe you are an attorney and that has been your experience, but I think it more likely that you have just watched one too many episodes of "Perry Mason". In the state where I practice law trials don't go like that. In particular, I found that the judge's sua sponte actions to be pretty far-fetched from a procedural standpoint. What I also found truly amazing was that, if you were going to turn this take into a simple courtroom drama, you didn't have Toni suing Cal for interfering with a client with whom she already had a contract. Cal not only contacts Toni's client ... he moves in with them and then starts a new ad campaign for them. I also found the entire sequence of Cal being able to start a new business in one day to be far-fetched, and that the mayor's daughter would be even more beautiful that Connie the Fashion Model, but at least you tried. I'm sorry, but I disliked this tale, and I shall humbly move on to other authors.

Comment were best part, take that as you will.

dragonmann72,

If you AUTHORS don't want your writing to be criticized, keep it private. If you post it for public reading, don't expect everyone to give glowing review.

READERS don't have to submit their own writing to show a better dialogue. Readers just have to read other stories by different author to compare. And this one SUCKS!

Rather than telling people to write their own story, why don't you writers start reading other author's stories to see what a good DIALOGUE looks like instead off jerking it to your own writing.

-JuanC.

Good premise, but bad execution.

Lost focus too much, this is supposed to be the story of Cal going against Constance and Toni. Yet most of the focus are on his new life. While at the same time his biggest conflict, his divorce and old job is somehow resolved in the background by other people. What makes the least sense is the judge taking care of Toni. And it only exposed during a rant by the judge, not shown.

This is bad storytelling, but it have good premise. Try having an editor to help sort the story out, and the dialogue too. As it is, it's just a boring mess.

-JuanC.

You give Toni a child with autism as a karmic punishment. Have raised 3 kids, one with autism, I say boo. The love and innocent devotion of my autistic son are a blessing, and a reason for thanks, not a burden.

Additional thought Re: "that can't be cheating if you are having sex with someone you love." - Isn't the usual line, "I don't love "X," it's just sex?"

Who voted that high for this shit? This is so boring. If it wasn't that high I wouldn't even bothered to comment on how impressively boring this is.

The first part I liked and gave it a 5. Second part wasn’t anywhere near as good. Some problems with the story:

1. One of the elements needed for a contract to be valid is that there needs to be adequate consideration. That means if you put together a contract that A will sell B a piece of gum for $1,000 that contract will be found invalid in court. So, the contract that Toni proposed was totally invalid with the MC to start with.

2. You cannot make a contract that is essentially for indentured servitude. You know slavery is deemed illegal for a while now.

3. The part about Toni’s kid having medical issues was a complete low blow and disgusting. Only the most vile of readers would’ve applauded that.

4. Was the MC retarded that he didn’t see Toni was after his wife?

5. How do you trademark a new born’s likeness? Do you have to file a new trademark every month as their look changes?

5 how do you get that trademark abs right to act as agent without the parent’s signed consent? Did the baby ink her palm and stamp the agreement?

6. Why doesn’t the judge rule that Constance needs to pay half the condo sale from Constance to the MC?

7. How does a business with regular client base go out of business in two months?

8. How does the MC know Toni and Connie for so many years and not know how evil Toni is and how much of an airhead Connie was? I mean if those two got somewhat involved they could come to him about having a triad relationship, and most guys would have at least entertained it, I get Toni wanting Connie for herself, but Connie you’d think would want to do it that way. But even when they proposed it to the MC, Toni said they would all be sharing a big bed. Why the subterfuge?

The second part, abs the logic wasn’t very good, but I would have ignored that, but Toni’s child having medical issues as part of her karma left a really bitter taste in my mouth. I think a better ending could’ve been that Toni had always had committment issues and left Connie by cheating on her. Making her this evil bitch makes you wonder how retarded both the MC and Connie are that they couldn’t see it.

Let all aspiring writers use this as an example of what not to do with a story. Most of all if you want the reader to feel sympathy for the wronged husband, don't make him such a cowardly asshole.

@johnadp — baby image licensing.

“How do you trademark a new born’s likeness? Do you have to file a new trademark every month as their look changes?”

I don’t know, but let’s ask the Gerber or Ivory Snow babies.

"Her son was born prematurely because of Toni becoming eclamptic and later was diagnosed with Autism. He is getting special care to enhance every bit of his natural abilities but he has a long hard road ahead of him. Toni reportedly now has an even harder time attracting any male or female into a relationship."

You are a miserable excuse for a human being for even writing this.

@echiboy, regarding Gerber baby. I’m not even sure you need to trademark a an advertising picture, but let’s say they did It’s that one picture. They wouldn’t have trademarked the baby’s likeness to use in all future new pictures. And if they did a newborn changes over and over almost monthly.

well i liked it good story as always Farmer

To do such comment about Toni's boy? How low you can go? Shame on you.

So no stars.

Maybe you see your mistake. And beg pardon to us readers.

THIS IS A RED LINE YOU CROSSED!

I liked your story. And I gave you a 5 just to counterbalance people upset by that last paragraph.

I have a strong belief the story is in many parts real. Just the end is not believable, as it seems more a demostration of unforgettable hate and a revenge mind that want's to show a success for himself and a lifetime disaster end evil over his enemies.

Cal has a responsability on what happened. Constance was not satisfied rightly in bed or in serious lovemaking. She had such a spectacular pleasure from Toni's treatment just because Cal was so poor at it. We can see that his new wife has to do all the work to make him interested, and surely he might becone a good husband, but again, a bad lover.

Never a word of understanding, not to talk about forgiveness. She was naïve, perhaps both of them.

Now he is damaging her daughter life with his evil attitude.

Clearly, she is the best person, willing to keep the marriage, and probably also willing to accept some kind of a deal.

Cal is a mediocre man, average IQ, not a high selfesteem, low emotional intelligence. Unmature.

Constance, on the other way believes in people, perhaps too much, and capable of giving a lot of love, even to two persons at a time. Not many of those in this planet.

Even the worst situation given, she tries to be as near from her daughter as possible. Showing love and care willingness.

If this story is partially true, Cal will regret his behaviour at some time of his life. And the new kids will never call him father, just Cal, because he is uncapable to give the love needed to be named as such.

I gave this story a 2 and not a 1, as I first intended, because it is a well written story. But perhaps it was too much.

Without reading other comments I gave you a 2 and not a 1 because the story is well written. The end is pretty unbelievable. Cal get everything, fame, richness, women, new family. The women get the Inferno. Pure hate, low selfesteem, low emotional intelligence.

Cal is an inmature man, and probably always will be.

Not a drop of humankind, forgiveness, comprehension. Sad and sadistic.

The good guy defeats the slut and the dyke. Good for him.

Hahahahaha wow I can't believe the comments here. Hey morons, this is all made up. That you think it's real is due to the authors talent. Toni, Constance, Cal and even little Jenny are all fictional. None of these events occurred they are conjuered from the authors mind! That being said Cal didn't deserve any of happened to him. He trusted his wife and his friend who was also his boss. From what I've read here, he wasn't getting it done in the bedroom so it's all his fault?!? What a bunch of bullshit double standard is that? This was the authors take on our current culture IMO. None of these characters were perfect humans but the evil that was done to him by his wife and boss were not of his doing or the result of his actions. Don't like the story go write your own and post it. Farners Son i like it and gave it 5*. I especially like the karmic justice that came Toni's way. I wonder if the haters know that autism has a 1 in 54 occurrance today? Thanks for posting a well written story.

Good story. Five stars.

Meh.

Good story but…a fedora?

Great story.

The only thing I would of have liked to read is a final confrontation with Toni.

Another good story, when you get the characters and their actions correct nothing can distract from the tale being an easy read. Even if there is anything slightly questionable your good writing carries the story through. 5 stars Yes schwanze1 a Fedora, a huge improvement over a backward worn baseball cap. JZK

So Emily and him did not want an office romance but that is what happened with Karen, am I missing something here?

Entertaining story.

Ed

Schadenfreude - Pleasure derived from the misfortune of others.

I hate stories where the poor misstreated husband's life suddenly turns to gold. How often does that happen in real life? His romance with Karen? How often are second marriages any better than first marriages?