The Creation of the Male Orgasm

Before the dawn of time, ere the universe took form, prior to all that is known, there was already one constant of existence: meetings. Somewhere deep inside the bowels of Heaven, Inc., in a dimly lit, window-less conference room, decisions that would affect the course of history are about to be made. The archangel Michael is about to start a meeting with his chief architect, Eos, and the designer Gabriel.

Michael: "I'm calling this meeting to order. Good, we're all here, take some of these deep-fried dough halos, and settle down. We're here to discuss the latest updates on our 'human' project. As you recall, the goal is to design a somewhat intelligent, self-replicating unit, and we've been throwing around some options how to make that work. Eos, can you please give us the latest?"

Eos: "Of course, Michael, happy to. The most promising approach to spawning new units has been to combine the traits of two individuals to produce a new one. In particular, we suggest a model where one unit incubates the offspring, while the other only contributes genetic material."

Michael: "Incubates? Like we did with the delicious things, what were they called? Chicklings?"

Eos: "No, these humans won't sit on eggs like *chickens*, Michael. We were thinking one of them could carry the growing spawn inside her for a while."

Michael: "Ok, and how does it get there?"

Gabriel, interrupting: "Oh, you're gonna love this, it's hilarious."

Eos: "Excuse me. One partner will provide the genetic material by depositing it inside the other, and then it will be combined in her womb."

Michael: "Deposit?"

Gabriel: "Hahaha, he shoots goo inside her. Like a slime cannon."

Michael: "That sounds a bit disgusting. Is that really the best we can do."

Eos: "Uh, well, we do need it to be, um, expelled and find its target. Let me show you some designs."

Eos pulls out a diagram of a naked body: "So, as you can see here, this is what we call the penis, and it'll be able to, um, shoot its load."

Michael: "It looks a bit sad."

Gabriel: "Show him how it grows. He can take it."

Eos: "Sigh, yes, Gabriel is right. We found a solution to make it look more appealing, and able to penetrate the partner more easily. Here."

Michael: "This is supposed to be more appealing? Did you copy those files from our 'mushroom' project? Do these also make you trip?"

Gabriel: "You could say that.... hahaha"

Eos: "Um, no, no hallucinations, no fun sounds."

Michael: "Too bad. Can't it be like that at all times? Why do we even have the sad option?"

Eos: "Because it looks ridiculous. And it's a good indicator for excitement."

Michael: "Excitement? And how exactly would it get 'excited'?"

Gabriel, loudly: "BEWBS!"

Eos: "Sigh... I knew we'd get to this point. Here, look at this diagram of the child-bearer. Gabriel here got all excited with our modeling software, and ever since he accidentally pulled the chest-slider all the way to the right, he won't shut up about these boobs, as he calls them. They do provide nutrition for the new-born, though."

Michael, blushing: "Well, yeah, I suppose I can see how they would be aesthetically pleasing. Maybe we can make them a bit rounder, less pyramid-shaped? Would be easier on the eye."

Gabriel: "I knew you were an old horn-dog, boss. I had the same thought, and already whipped up some designs. Here."

Gabriel pulls out a folder with hundreds of pictures of boobs of all sizes and shapes.

Michael: "Well, at least I know why you didn't get any other work done..."

Gabriel: "Boobs!"

Michael: "Ok, well, back to the topic at hand: And these 'boobs' will make the 'penis' excited?"

Eos: "It's a matter of preference, but as you can see with Gabriel here, for some individuals they have a strong effect."

Michael: "Fine, then let's go with 'sad sometimes, and excited about boobs at other times'. Now tell me more about the ejection itself. It sounds nasty."

Eos: "Oh, we have made sure to make it exceedingly pleasing. In fact, they will want to do this all the time. Like, *all* the time."

Michael: "And they will always need a partner? That sounds like a logistical nightmare."

Gabriel: "Tell him about our solution to that! It's hilarious."

Eos: "Well, erm, yeah, we have concluded that having this desire go unchecked might be uncomfortable for the individual, so they can just rub their penis and it will lead to the same result. There were some concerns that they might be too focused on doing this, though, so we built in a small recovery period."

Voice from the shadows: "And if we don't let them do that?"

Michael, startled: "Lilith! I didn't know you were in this meeting. What do you mean? They shouldn't be able to get this pleasure by themselves?"

Lilith: "Oh, no no, they definitely should. But Eos said it might give them discomfort not to, so my question is: What if they could, but we don't let them?"

Eos: "Then they'd get increasingly horny and desperate."

Lilith: "Excellent. That sound exciting. All in favor?"

Michael: "We are not voting. But there are more things to discuss. I think leaving them in charge of their own pleasure sounds lovely."

Lilith: "Of course you'd think that. I'm excited about denying them exactly that."

Michael: "Sigh, I should've known you would be. So, if they 'take care of themselves'... let's use a word for it; how about 'masturbate'?"

Lilith: "Sounds revolting, we shouldn't allow that."

Michael: "I'm ignoring you. So, when they masturbate, where does the goo go?"

Eos: "Well, it needs to be expelled at a significant velocity to make the ejection possible..."

Gabriel: "On boobs!"

Michael: "Gabriel! We were talking about the case where there's no partner... So then the goo would just go... everywhere?"

Eos: "Essentially, yeah. But it's mostly water."

Michael: "Let's make a note about that, maybe we can find a better solution."

Eos: "Err, ok, we can try."

Michael: "Next, I noticed something in your diagram: What's this weird, shriveled up sac? That looks disgusting."

Eos: "Well, the genetic material has to be produced somewhere. We put these balls there to take care of that."

Michael: "Do they have to just hang there? Maybe we can put them with all the other nasty stuff we discussed over the last few weeks, lungs, livers, kidneys, that stuff?"

Eos: "Unfortunately, we ran into some issues with the cooling, and this was our best solution."

Michael: "Ok, well, I guess we can keep them. Are they safe?"

Gabriel: "Hahaha, safe? Like a snowman in the Sahara desert."

Michael: "I don't know what any of these things are, but I'm assuming that means no?"

Eos: "They are kind of... delicate."

Lilith: "So it would hurt when you smack them?"

Eos: "Yes, very much so."

Lilith: "Could you hit them with some device, too? I have a range of items I'm developing that I'd love to try out."

Michael: "Lilith... I thought you were working on something for horses?"

Lilith: "Sure, let's say. They also work on horses. If you're heartless. I'd be happy to demonstrate them to you if you come to my cloud for a private session."

Michael: "Sigh..."

Lilith, sharply: "MICHAEL."

Michael: "I'm sorry, mistress. I'd be delighted to submit to you, mistress."

Lilith: "Better. You may continue."

Michael: "Thank you, mistress. Sorry, I mean, let's continue. Maybe we could cover these balls in more resilient material, to reduce the danger of pain."

Eos: "No, we can't,..."

Lilith: "NO, WE CAN'T."

Eos: "Ahem. We can't, because we specially designed this for its cooling properties."

Lilith: "Good."

Michael: "Good. Damn it, Lilith, you're the worst...."

Lilith: "That's 10 extra smacks with the crop."

Michael, stammering: "I'm sorry, mistress, I didn't mean to. But I do need to continue this meeting. Please, Eos, walk me through it, how does this ejection procedure work."

Eos: "So, we've been giving it a name, too: An orgasm. The balls continually produce genetic material and package it in goo. When the individual get's aroused..."

Gabriel: "BOOBS"

Eos: "... for example, but not only, by boobs, their penis will enlarge and they can initiate coitus with another person, and penetrate them with their penis. Alternatively, they can manually simulate the experience by rubbing their penis. After sufficient pleasure is applied, they will then orgasm..."

Lilith: "Or not, if I'm in charge."

Eos: "... they will then orgasm, which causes the genetic material, in the form of goo, to be expelled through their penis. This may then lead to procreation, but will also result in an increase in pleasing hormones being dispersed in the individual's body."

Lilith: "OR NOT."

Eos: "Anyone ever tell you that you are quite mean?"

Lilith: "Aww, thank you."

Eos: "Sigh... during an orgasm, pupils will dilate,...."

Michael: "Wait, hold on... pupils? Aren't they quite far away from where anything is happening?"

Lilith: "Well, at least *something* is happening in the head area."

Eos: "We aimed to make an orgasm a full body experience. It will be one of the main goals of any individual to achieve."

Lilith: "Stop, I'm getting too excited about taking it away."

Eos: "... and we will make sure to have many different types of individuals, including some that derive pleasure from not being allowed to have orgasms."

Michael: "Now, Lilith, let me try to take your concerns seriously for a second: Do you think orgasms are a bad idea?"

Lilith: "Obviously."

Michael: "So we should remove them from our design?"

Lilith: "No, no, I definitely want to keep them in the design. Letting them have orgasms is a bad idea, but having them be able to have them, and then denying them the pleasure sounds divine."

Michael: "Please do not blaspheme, or I will have to report you to HR..." He pauses briefly. "..., mistress. SIGH. Now, we've talked so much about this ejection mechanism. What about the partner?"

Eos: "I don't think we have enough time to go through all that complexity. You'll have to figure that out yourself."

Lilith: "Hahaha"

Michael: "... Now, I understand the use of the orgasm for the penis-wielder, but what about the partner? There's nothing to eject, so no orgasm?"

Lilith: "She definitely also needs orgasms. Better ones."

Michael: "Why? This seems superfluous?"

Lilith: "MICHAEL! 10 slaps."

Michael: "Yes, mistress, I apologize. We will also design female orgasms. And they'll be better."

Lilith: "They should be the only ones that are allowed..."

Michael: "I thought you didn't want me to remove the male orgasms from the design?"

Lilith: "You are right. I just said they shouldn't be allowed."

Michael: "Sometimes I'm really concerned about you... Ok, so we'll also allow female orgasms. Any thoughts?"

Eos, excited: "We could let them have multiple ones right after another. And no downtime."

Michael: "I can see y'all are in agreement here. Very well, then. Let's close this meeting... Hold on a second. Eos, can you please show me the internal diagram again?"

Eos rifles through some papers and hands Michael more schematics. Michael presses a buzzer/call button in the room: "URIEL. Room 3-1337, NOW."

After a few minutes, Uriel enters the meeting room and takes a seat.

Uriel: "'sup boss?"

Michael: "We were just discussing our most important project, procreation, and I noticed that some of our designs were infiltrated by yours."

Uriel: "What, boss? Infilt... what?"

Michael, pointing at the diagram: "Do you see this pipe here? It contains essential genetic material to be used to create another living being. And where does this other pipe, that's connect to it lead?"

Uriel struggles to read the diagram: "Blubber?"

Michael: "The bladder. Isn't that where you accumulate the waste?"

Uriel: "Ah, yes, you're talking about pee. Yes, bossman, that's in the blubber."

Michael: "Bladder! So why is it connected to the penis?"

Uriel: "I don't know what that is. But we discovered this faucet thing that seemed kind of ugly and useless, and figured it'd go well there."

Michael: "It does not. That's the pleasure center of the body. Why would you put the waste right through there?"

Uriel: "Sorry, boss, I got distracted. What were you saying?"

Michael: "Why is good help so hard to find these days?"

Uriel: "My personal assessment is that it might have to do with market conditions. While other employers may provide about the same compensation, the benefits packaged offered here is way below average, and this has caused an exodus of qualified inviduals, leading to overworking and reduced morale of the remaining staff, myself included."

Michael: "..."

Gabriel: "BOOBS."

Uriel: "Ah, yeah, boobs. Saw that design, showed it around in our division, everyone loves it. Anyhoo, the waste has to go somewhere, glad we found the little spigot. Good talking to you boss. Eos. Gabriel. Scary goth lady."

Michael: "... wait!" but Uriel was already gone.

Michael: "So what do we do now?"

Eos: "Uh, boss? Looks like he already ordered it to go into production, so we're kind of stuck with it. Maybe we should adjourn and get lunch."

Gabriel: "I'll be in my office. Don't interrupt."

Michael: "Porn websites haven't even been invented yet..."

Lilith: "I'll be in my dungeon, polishing my whips. I'll be expecting you, Michael."

Michael: "Yes, mistress, as you wish. Sigh. Meeting adjourned."