The Demonization of Humberstone Rd.

[Editor's note for our international readers -- that's the University and Collage Application System -- For more on modern demonic apprenticeships see our feature on page 67]

Anyway, the week crawled along. Food lost its taste. The world lost its colour. Work was tedious. I didn't even enjoy watching City play (but what else is new?) I was in love.

When the weekend finally rolled around, I was so excited to see Zandy again. She took me out to the best restaurant in Leicester for a curry and she paid for everything. Then she took me back to her place. I was expecting it to be some dark cave maybe in a volcano or something, but she actually had this really nice manor out in the country just on the outskirts of Market Bosworth.

We made love again until the morning and somehow it was even better than the first time.

Then we were lying in her bed the next morning and she was asking me all kinds of questions about my life. I mentioned that I was finding my work as an estate agent incredibly boring and she suggested that I come and work for her! She was involved in a joint project with some Sloth Demons to run a cannabis farm outside town and said it'd be a great change of pace for me. Of course, I leapt at the prospect of working with her and having the chance to see her every day.

I handed in my resignation first thing Monday morning, and didn't even bother to serve my notice period. I was taking a tour of the weed factory by Monday afternoon and started my first shift Tuesday. And I got a shock -- Pete, Rob, and Dave had all had the same idea. It was so cool being able to hang out at work together and we even got to light up some of the by-produce -- after we'd punched out, of course. You may think Sloth Demons would make chill bosses, but let me tell you, those guys know when to crack the whip.

Bath, Dru, and Mo were there as well in administrative roles. They'd pop down every now and then to say hi and we'd grab some food together in our fifteen-minute lunch breaks. I didn't get to see much of Zandy, but that's to be expected with her being a manager. She'd pop in in the morning and give me a kiss on the cheek and again around eight o'clock just before we finished.

There was one big surprise though. The lavatories were in a bit of a state and quite a few of them didn't have locks. This one time, I thought one was free and I walked in there only to find Pete in there. It was no big deal, and it wasn't like I saw anything but the way he acted all flummoxed and tried to pull up his trousers got me suspicious. I started to realize that it didn't seem like the other guys ever used the urinals either. In fact, the more I watched, I came to realize that practically no one in the factory ever used them except maybe visitors.

This came to a head after we'd been there about three weeks. I was in the toilet -- having a genuine crap this time and I realized there was no paper. Just as I'm figuring out what to do, someone else comes in and goes into the neighbouring stall. A moment later I hear the sound of liquid hitting porcelain.

"Hey," I say. "Who is that?"

"It's Pete," a familiar voice replies.

"Dude, thank god. Can you slide some paper under the wall for me?"

There's an uncomfortable pause. "Actually," he says. "There's no paper in this one either."

That's when I decided it was now or never. It still too me time to work out how to phrase my next question. "Pete, I gotta ask you something. Don't take this the wrong way. You and Bath, do you find she's a little controlling sometimes?"

"How do you mean?" he replied.

"I mean," I say, picking every word very carefully. "Has she ever asked you to do something? Or maybe give you something? Like, maybe she's jealous or doesn't want you seeing other women, and she asks you to prove yourself..."

"I've got no idea what you're talking about," says Pete. Not in a defensive way. He's genuinely confused. Then it hits him. "Ooooohhhh," he finally says. "You too?"

"What do you mean 'you too?'"

"I mean, well, we would have mentioned it earlier, Rob and Dave and I, but we

thought, well, what with you being Zandy's special guy..."

"All three of you?" I ask.

"Thing was," he said. "They said we have to give them up if we ever wanted, you know, a chance with Zandy. They said she could make them bigger. That's why we didn't mention it. We didn't think you'd be happy with the idea. It wasn't anything to do with jealousy. We get them back when the girls want to have some intimate time."

In some ways that made me feel better. On the one hand, at least it wasn't just me and on the other hand, at least my relationship with Zandy was still special. I didn't get to see her for a few weeks, conferences and end-of-year quarter reports saw to that. Still, I was enjoying my time at the factory. I was envious of all the time the other guys got to spend with their new girlfriends.

After about a month though, I started to have a new problem. Not having a cock and balls was starting to affect me. I noticed my voice had started to change and, while the rest of me wasn't getting any fatter, I was starting to develop man boobs. It wasn't like they were massive but they were undeniably there -- small flabby lumps beneath my nipples.

Then one weekend, we were chilling at Dave's after our shift. I was in the kitchen grabbing another beer and Bath was there sticking an oven pizza in. She turns to me and says, "I wanted to talk to you."

"What about?" I reply.

"These," she says, reaching up and cupping my little guy-titties.

"Oh," I said suddenly very embarrassed.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," she said. "It's natural for guys who are totally devoted like you are. Do you trust me?"

"Of course," I replied. She was Zandy's disciple after all.

She reached into her handbag and pulled out a small jar. The label on it offered raspberry jam, but there was a thick orange substance inside that definitely wasn't preservative.

"Spread this on your chest before you go to bed and all your problems will be solved."

Well, it was pretty late before I got to my own bed that evening, but I had been really worried about my body, so I did as she asked.

When I woke up in the morning I got the biggest surprise of my life. My man-breast were gone...

...only to have been replaced by the most pair of actual girl titties you've ever seen. These were no joke big bouncing Baywatch boobies. Even my nipples had thickened and my areola's widened. If I'd have brought them from a plastic surgeon, they would have been his life's crowing achievement.

I called Bath straight away. "What the hell?" I asked.

"It solved the problem, didn't it?" she said, cool as a cucumber. "No one likes man-boobs, everyone loves girl-boobs."

"But Zandy..." I started.

"Oh, Zandy is going to love them. She's bisexual after all."

"How do you know?" I asked suspiciously.

"She's a Lust Demon. All lust demons are omnisexual by nature. Trust me. Look, I'm going to come on over, I'll bring a razor and some make-up and some clothes."

In truth, she didn't need the razor. I hadn't needed to shave for weeks. Well, she did my legs and arms and tidied up my eye-brows. After that, she showed me how to put on a bra and a dress and how to walk in heels. I wasn't sure about going out in women's clothing but she said it would be weirder if I didn't. She had a point, though I decided to stay home all Sunday anyway. She said I'd need a female name, just so I wouldn't have to explain everything any time a stranger asked. I was going to just go with Paula or Pauline, but she said those were too boring. We talked about it for ages but didn't reach a decision.

When I went into work on Monday, I discovered I wasn't the only person who had undergone a transformation. Pete, Dave and Rob had all obviously used the same ointment as me. We took one look at each other, in our brand new hair and clothes, and just got on with our work without even saying anything. All girls together. When Zandy came down, she gave me more attention than she had in weeks, saying how great I looked and how she couldn't wait to spend more time with me (although there was due to be a health and safety inspection at the end of the month that was taking up all her time).

When it was lunch time the acolytes came down and we were all given a whole hour and a half for lunch. We went into the center of the local town and we all looked so good that I didn't feel at all self-conscious. Quite the opposite, I noticed that a lot of the villagers were giving us very appreciative looks. Dirty old men all of them, of course, but it was still great for our confidence.

During our pub lunch, I had another typically female experience. Bath asked to go to bathroom at the same time as me. Of course, I was now going to the ladies. I assumed she was going to take the chance to make sure I was still looking my best. Instead, as soon as we got in she asked me a question. "You know it's nearly Halloween soon. Have you thought about what to get Zandy as a gift?"

I'd forgotten. Demons don't celebrate Christmas, but Halloween is their next best thing.

"Maybe some jewellery?" I said. The truth was the weed factory didn't pay that much, that wasn't why we were working there. I could dip into my savings, maybe even take out a small loan to get her something really special for her own festival.

"I have a better idea," said Bath. "You know Zandy loves her collection."

It took me a moment to realize what she was referring to.

"You mean...but I already gave her my penis."

"Of course you did, silly. And that's the centerpiece of her collection. You're her special guy, afterall" Bath said. "I meant someone else's. A new one."

"Where am I going to get someone else's penis?" I asked.

"There's an open door party this Saturday on the Humberstone Road. Come along dressed as you are now and I'm sure you won't have any problem pulling. I'll show you the separation incantiation. Everyone else is going and we are going to have a competition to see who can find the biggest dick to give to Mistress Zandy."

"I can't do that," I said. "I can't cheat on Zandy. I promised"

"What exactly did she say when you promised?" asked Bath.

It had been a while but I still remembered every minute of that first night clear as day. "She said she couldn't bear the thought of me fucking anyone else with that fantastic...oh?"

"Yeah, you see, demons are very careful with their word. It'd be fine for you to find a guy, especially if you got her a lovely present as a result."

"But," I stammered, "I'm not a real girl. I can't...I mean I don't have...you know, a girl hole."

"Oh, it's fine. Let me let you in a little secret," said Bath, lifting up her skirt and pulling aside her knickers. "Neither do I."

It was then that my life started making a lot more sense. I've had a lot more adventures to tell you about, but you'll have to buy another issue of PlayDemon for those.

Yours,

Terpsichore, Acolyte of Zandanalumina

All letters to PlayDemon are works of fiction intended for entertainment and educational purposes only. Events may not actually have happened. If in doubt see the helpline number on the back page of this magazine.

Wednesday 17th July

To the Editor,

In all the letters published in the past month regarding the London and Humberstone Roads, no one has actually stopped to consider the real victims of the current situation -- us working girls ourselves.

As a single mother of three who needs to supplement the inadequate wage provided by my super-market check-out job, my life has been made intolerable by the constant presence of hellspawn in what has always been Leicester's default red-light distinct. Walking the streets at night has always been intimidating, but now having to share them with seven-foot she-devils with foot-long goat's horns and glowing cat eyes is downright scary. And, at the risk of being crude, what man is going to accept an offer of ten pounds for a quick gob-job when he can take part in a five she-vixen blowbang for three hours for free? I may be on the game, but it's not a game I feel I can win any more.

All this with my eldest's birthday just around the corner. I'm at my wit's end.

Yours anonymously,

A working girl.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Thursday 18th July 2002

To the editors,

Having finally met with Mistress Cruvictaria a few nights ago, I would like to withdraw completely the comments I made which were published in the Chronicle on the 11th of this month, which were ill-informed and bigoted. I apologize unreservedly to anyone offended by them. I'd also like to take this opportunity to formally welcome Cru and her kin to the area.

Yours,

Exhausted of Kirby Muxloe.

Monday 26th August 2002

Dear Sir/Madam,

As your local MP, I am writing to you regarding the latest policy changes which come into effect from the beginning of next month. The reporting around these changes in the media has been sensationalist at best, downright irresponsible at worst and disinformation has often drowned out real information on more than a few occasions. Therefore, I am taking this opportunity to set the record straight and reassure you about what is, at heart, an essential and common sense piece of legislation.

Firstly, it is true that the souls of the dead are no longer flowing to either heaven or hell. Instead, they are remaining more or less in situ at the location where the body passed away until guided to secured locations by angels under the employment of the borough council. There is a limit to the amount of time a soul can stay unchained in this mortal realm without becoming a lost shade and there have, regretfully, been multiple instances across the country and over the last twenty-four months of such specters breaking free of containment and wreaking havoc and destruction. Lives have been lost as a result and the death toll would have been even higher were it not for the quick actions and bravery of both angels and demons alike.

At the same time, it is also true that no new souls are being created even as new children are being born. We do not know the full extent of what a human body without a soul might be capable of, but there is a very real danger that children being born today may end up as mere husks of humans - incapable of love, joy, kindness or any of the other essential traits of humanity. It is not unreasonable to fear for the future of mankind if the next generation is to be born without the cradle of Holy Spirit.

These twin issues have, of course, been a matter of great concern for the government and the comprehensive policy issued today is a major breakthrough as it kills both birds with one stone. While reincarnation has not generally been part of Christian belief, the angels assure us that it is not only possible and permissible, but is indeed the only workable solution to the souls crisis since all communication has been cut with the Almighty.

Thus the Government's policy, while bold, is also quite simple. Births must match deaths in a one-to-one ratio. Couples who previously have not sought children must do their patriotic duty when the death rate increases over the natural birth rate. Similarly, couples seeking offspring must wait for their turn when the birth rate is too high. People, I think, can generally see the good sense in this.

More controversial has been the inclusion of not only Angels of Temperance but also Demons of Lust on the multitude of quangos and committees which have been set up to address this process. I stress again that such Demons have valuable skills in this area and have already contributed significantly to drawing up what is a visionary and forward-looking policy. Many people are naturally concerned about the suggestion that Demons of Lust may be involved in the process of conception. I will reiterate the Prime Minister's comments from yesterday. Couples should rest assured that there will be no need for a demon to be involved in the vast majority of pregnancies. It is only in the cases where couples find themselves unable or unwilling to comply with their government-mandated duties that a demon may be brought in to help matters along.

Christians of all denominations, and especially Roman Catholics, can rest assured that, even with the presence of a Lust Demon, all sexual activity will remain for the sole purpose of procreation and thus compatible with their religious faith.

Despite what you may have heard, female Lust Demons cannot get pregnant either with humans or with a male Demon. Nor can a male Lust Demon impregnate a human female, no matter how much apparent seed they might produce. They also do not carry human sexually transmitted diseases. There is thus no danger involved in welcoming a Lust Demon into your marital bed as a third and supportive partner in the process of making a baby.

There has also been a lot of misunderstanding regarding the addition of souls to the newly created fetus. While this certainly can be done at the moment of conception, most couples will find it far more convenient to add the soul to their new baby 20 to 24 weeks into the pregnancy at a scheduled meeting with their prenatal care practitioner.

Finally, let everyone be clear that the name of the previous host body for your new baby's soul will be strictly protected under the Data Protection Act.

While it is true that these new measures, voted in with full cross-party support, represent the most drastic change to marriage in this country since the outlawing of bigamy in 1604, they also guarantee a secure and geist-free future for everyone.

I hope we can count on your continued support and compliance in these matters.

Thomas Redmond,

MP for Leicester East

Wednesday 4th September 2002

To the Editor,

There has been a lot of discussion recently about the pros and cons of visiting the London and Humberstone Roads in this newspaper over recent months. To anyone thinking of going, or to anyone who has already been and is struggling to stay away, may I kindly remind you that St. Martha's Church is just 100 yards away from the Humberstone Road and thanks to generous donations, the doors to our community centre are now open till four in the morning seven days a week.

So if you need something to take your mind off the first and deadliest of the seven sins, why not drop by for a game of ping-pong or badminton? (Changing facilities and showers available -- ice cold, if necessary) For more senior visitors, we have whist and canasta. For those in their twenties, how does a rocking 16-seat Halo LAN Party sound?

And, of course, if you need someone to talk to about your sexual urges or just an extra hand at bridge, our host of friendly angels are there all day every day and are looking forward to meeting you all soon.

Yours,

Almiafortunas,

Head of the St Martha's Community Outreach Programme.

Wednesday 9th October 2002

To the Minister for Health,

Given the reports in the media regarding the increasing number of both men and women having sexual intercourse with Lust Demons, I would like to present the Minister with a copy of our latest research. I am breaking with protocol here as the paper has not yet been published or gone through peer review, but the findings are so important, I believe, as to warrant her immediate attention.

We were initially tasked only with confirming that Lust Demon semen does not contain sperm - which does indeed seem to be the case. However, having conducted a full chemical analysis on male Lust Demon semen, we have concluded that it contains a compound similar in nature to crack cocaine, but with an additional heightened effect on the libido. The substance is highly addictive, euphoric, and seriously impairs judgment.