The Demonization of Humberstone Rd.

Full details can be found in the included draft of our paper, but our recommendation is that the Government expedite legislation to have demon ejaculate classified as a class A drug and strongly recommend to the public that sexual intercourse with Lust Demons is only ever undertaken while practicing safer sex.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr Aldius Agathangelou,

Department of Supernatural Chemistry, University of Leicester

Thursday 24th October 2002

To the Editors,

I want to push back in the strongest possible terms regarding your guest piece published last Thursday regarding the great tragedies currently overtaking the world. Earthquakes are now a daily occurrence in places like South America due to the shattering of the tectonic plates. The whole of Asia is constantly plagued by swarms of gold locusts with the faces of men and the hair of women. And in Eastern Europe, we are seeing the emergence of this terrifying new strain of antibiotic-resistant bubonic plague. While the last thing I want to do is downplay those from the UK who have given their lives in this semi-apocalypse, the honest truth is that we in this country have been extremely lucky for the most part.

All of which makes the Member for Bosworth's opinions more distasteful. His claim that by the end of next year, nine out of ten babies born in Britain will be infused with foreign souls is simply wrong. I don't fault his arithmetic - the world death toll is stratospheric, and we have largely been spared. I do, however, reject his axioms.

There is no such thing as a 'foreign soul', or for that matter a British one. A soul quickly loses all knowledge of its previous life after exiting the body. Babies born will have their characters shaped both by their genetics and their upbringing, both of which come from their new parents. The honourable gentleman is one step away in his arguments from those conspiratorially minded nutjobs who claim that parents will end up needing to feed their children nothing but Pho or Borsh or Empanadas in a few years' time. (Although, for that matter, why not? All are delicious!)

The British Bodies for British Souls campaign is just typical Little Englander nonsense that as always ignores the wider picture. Where Mr Kinnoth and I agree is that it is now a fact that, in order to make up the shortfall, every woman of childbearing age in the country does indeed need to be bearing a child. Where we disagree is that I understand that geist do not respect borders. We can either respect the UN's Resolution on the Migration of Souls and recycle the departed into new life while they still have their full humanity, or we can wait to be inundated with a horde of shrieking death banshees in about two years from now. Make no mistakes, that is our future if we try and shut our borders and pretend the wider world is not our problem.

While our ladyfolk do indeed need to be laying back, they do not need to be overly thinking of England as they do so.

Yours,

Mr Fred Collier, Enderby.

Monday 14th October 2002

Dear Dr Agathangelou,

The Minister was most interested in her research and thanks you for making an advanced copy available, but will wait for official publication before making a statement on the matter. I will note however that the government's thinking on narcotics is now being largely shaped by the White Paper published by the Belphegor Committee last spring. This advocates the legalization of any substance that can drown out the pain of existence in a world God himself broke. If, as looks likely, cocaine itself is going to be legal by this time next year, your point may end up being largely moot.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr. John Hampton -- Under-Secretary to the Minister for Health.

P.S. Have you ever tried asking a Lust Demon to put a condom on? Good luck with that!

Tuesday 15th October 2002

To the Editor,

As an angel, I like to think I know a little something about miracles. But angels often forget how often humans are responsible for performing amazing miracles of their own -- without magic but with as much love as any seraphim. I had the privilege of witnessing just such an event last week that I'd like to share with your readers. I'm going to change the names to protect the couple's privacy, but be assured, the rest of this story is the Gods-honest truth.

It started with Delilah running into the church community centre in tears. Normally, I'd take someone that distraught into my office to give them a little privacy, but Delilah was in such a state that everything came spilling right out in public. Delilah is a lovely girl, nineteen years of age, sweet as can be, and a regular member of our congregation. She's also not been able to find a partner as she struggles with the romantic side of life. On the day in question, once she'd gotten back from volunteering at the soup kitchen in what used to the the Highcross Shopping Center, she'd found a letter waiting for her at home. She was being required to attend one of the government-sanctioned Speed Socializing and Conception Events for Unpartnered Women. Not only that, the event was to be held that very evening.

I'm not knocking these events. They serve a useful purpose in ensuring the government's one-hundred percent pregnancy commitment is met. Nevertheless, some women find these events quite impersonal. This was certainly the case for Delilah and she was in a very negative head-space regarding it. And, yes, it was probably her own fault for not quietly making her own impregnation arrangements, perhaps with a friend of the family, before the clock ran out. Still, my heart did go out to her and I was finding that none of my usual words of comfort were able to calm her down.

That's when I noticed Samson listening from over at his XBox station. He's a good lad. I really mean that. To be honest, a lot of the guys coming in to play the Halo tournaments are either coming from, going to, or stepping out of a Humberstone demon orgy for a breather. Yes, we know. Angels may be innocent, but we're not stupid. Still, we'd rather remain in contact with these guys and have a chance at getting through to them, rather than have them avoid us completely, so we don't push back at some of the lies we are told. That's not Samson though. He's genuinely struggled with his demons. He admits to having gotten off the bus at Humberstone more than once, but his feet have always brought him into the church to seek guidance. We've been working on his confidence and people skills while keeping him out of trouble.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that angels can't make people do anything good, just as demons can't make people do anything bad -- at least, not if the person really doesn't want to. Still, I had to give myself my own personal attaboy for all the hours I'd spend with Samson given what happened next. When I saw him looking over at Delilah, all I had to do was wink at him for him to get the right idea.

He got up from his chair, put his controller down, even though he was in the middle of a match, and walked right up to us. He then looked Delilah straight in the eye and said, bold as anything, "I couldn't help but overhear your situation. We haven't met before, but I can tell by how much this all upsets you and that you are pure and simple of heart and undeserving of this treatment. I am deeply moved by what I've heard and, if you are willing, it would be my honour to take you as my wife even this very day. Then the child you must bear could be conceived, born, and raised as a member of a proper family, one which is bonded by love. Though we are now strangers, I don't doubt I will find you very easy to love, and I hope that, for all my faults, you may find some little thing to love in me, if only that it is my complete devotion to you."

It took Delilah a moment to fully understand what she was being offered (Possibly because my tutoring of Samson in the language of love had erred a little on the courtly side). When she finally worked it out, she exploded into tears of a completely different nature from the tears she was already crying. She would have said yes then and there, but I insisted they not rush things and left them alone in my office for an hour to get to know each other before making a final decision. Nevertheless, I had a feeling things were going to work out, so I called her mother and his folks and got them to come down in their Sunday best, just in case. Sure enough, an hour before the Conception Event, they were both legally married in the sight of God. Props to the Rev. Johnson who interrupted his round of golf to rush back and do the honours.

(Not to interject my own personal politics, but you'd think with all the new legislation regarding marriage that the government has passed recently, that'd they'd have thought to slip in a clause allowing angels to officiate. It's a no-brainer surely!)

Well, you can imagine the shock the Natal Enforcement Officer had when he came round to drag Delilah off to the gang-bang (let's stop not mincing words, that's what it is). I know he's just doing his job, but some of these Lust Demons need to realize how intimidating they can be and how, just because they're eight foot tall and have a badge, that doesn't make them automatically right. Well, Samson again did us proud. He came out and showed the N.E.O. their wedding certificate, ink still wet and then, when the N.E.O. made some fuss about the marriage not having been consummated yet, walked the big doofus through the legislation item by item and what it does and doesn't say. It was only when the demon suggested that Delilah might want to attend the event anyway on the basis that 'ten cocks are better than one' that Samson lost his rag completely.

I think it's important for readers to learn how to handle these matters. It's not okay, under the Government Disparagement Act to criticize the legislation or the Copulation Events in any way, it is perfectly okay to say "Begone, foul fiend," when some jobsworth demon is overstepping his bureaucratic bounds. It may be common assault to wave a crucifix in a demon's face, but it's perfectly fine to hang a crucifix on a door as an expression of your faith and then slam that door in the demon's face once it's been established he has no more official business there.

And now we come to the wedding night.

I'm not going to spare the details. Our media is so full of the sordid, the pornographic, and the titillating, that I feel it would be doing your readers a disservice not to dwell on a pure, heartfelt meeting of two minds, souls, and especially bodies. I was, to my great honour, asked to be in attendance for this union -- firstly, because they were still worried about further harassment from the authorities and no-one gives reliable testimony quite like an angel and, secondly, because they were both very nervous about the deed and in need of moral support.

They didn't have much of a honeymoon. The best on offer was that Delilah's mum cleared out to her sisters for the evening and they had the house to themselves. I suggested they start with a glass of white wine each, just as at Cana. Delilah wanted to pray beforehand, but I told her that it was unnecessary and unhelpful for the mood we were trying to create. Instead, they went up to Delilah's room and Delilah showed Samson all the items in her bedroom, telling him the stories from her childhood held in each one.

As the conversation went on, they naturally came to be sitting on the bed together and, without drawing attention to it, Samson at some point put his hands on Delilah's. When there was an appropriate lull in the conversation, Samson asked if she'd like to kiss him. Delilah giggled a bit at this but offered up her mouth readily enough. They kissed softly, but Samson said he was willing to stay like that, with their lips locked all night if that's what Delilah wanted.

Delilah replied, "Yes, but we must..." and then took the initiative to remove her dress.

Angels are not sexual beings by nature. We find all humans equally beautiful. So, I can't tell you if Delilah was hot or not. I do know that that Samson had eyes only for her and he drank in the sight of her body, naked except for her bra and knickers, for a long time. Delilah's face was bright red -- partly from an embarrassment that she was pushing through, but also maybe from her own desire rising -- a wanting to be wanted.

Samson, though a perfect gentleman, was so entranced with her beauty that he forgot to undress himself until I prompted him. If he has any regrets from that evening at all, it was probably just that in the morning he had chosen to wear his Phantom Menace boxer shorts, completely unaware that this would turn out to be his wedding night and, in all the earlier excitement, hadn't thought to change them.

Still, the clothes, both his and hers, soon ended up in a pile at the end of the bed and our husband and wife, having one seen the other fully, soon got under the covers. Their lips met again and they held each other in a kiss that did indeed seem like it could go on all night.

Except now there was a freedom in the hands. These went not to the forbidden areas in any great hurry, but skin lingered on skin -- the neck, the back, a female breast held tight against a masculine chest. Not for nothing does the bible refer to intercourse as oneknowing of the other. If done properly, with care, you should come to know everything of your lover's body during the act.

All this I watched. And as an angel, it is easy to blend into the background. I have to admit their movements were so slow, their love expressed so tenderly and wordlessly, that I did not realize he had moved to enter her until she gave out the slightest little gasps. He stopped instantly, of course, to attend to her, but she urged him on and a moment later he was truly her husband.

A wedding night, a white one involving two virgins, is a contradiction. For sex will no doubt get better as the couples learn each other, but at the same time, it will never be better, as that moment when two become one cannot be fully recaptured.

They made love but just the once that night for she had bled and they dared not do more, but also they knew they need not, for they were already given one to the other and had a lifetime ahead in which they were joined.

I departed before they slept, staying downstairs watching The Sky at Night quietly on the tele, keeping an eye on the house, yet giving them their privacy. Before I left, I thanked them for letting me share just a small part of their union and they in turn thanked me for what little I'd done. And again, I stressed that angels can't make anyone do anything.

Now we come to the part where I might be tempted to sermonize except if the reader has not gotten my part by now, I despair that they ever will. It is not easy to be like Samson and Delilah in today's world but it is not impossible. And given a little faith and forbearance, anyone can make miracles happen for themselves.

Yours,

Almiafortunas

Friday 18th October 2002

To your Reader in Coalville,

I'm not sure I see the relevance of your inquiry, but I asked Delilah and she said 36B.

Yours,

Almiafortunas

Monday 21st October 2002

Dear Dr Agathangelou,

It is with great regret that I am writing to inform you that the British Journal of Medical Science will not be publishing your report on the narcotic properties of demonic semen. Please do not feel this is any reflection on the quality of the science on display which was top-notch as vouched by all your peer reviewers. However, I would direct you to consider the government's recent directives regarding the role that science has to play in the development of a harmonious post-cataclysmic society and to consider whether the message that your paper sends out is one that strengthens the national unity or leads to disunity at this critical time.

While I am in the process of writing this letter, it occurs to me that I was recently asked to provide names for scientists who could lead the UN's blue sky think tank on biomagical solutions to increasing milk production in human female mammary glands. With the current infant formula shortage, this is a matter of global importance. I am now struck that I can think of no better name than your own. Given the size of the research grant and the prestige of such a position, it goes without saying that, were you successful, this would be the sole focus of your attention for the foreseeable future. I urge you to give serious consideration to applying for this. I'll ask my secretary to send you details along with this letter.

Yours,

Dr Frank Evans

Editor-in-chief, B.J.M.S.

Wednesday 5th February 2003

To the Editor,

I'm writing to complain about your coverage of the 'Pride in Leicester' political rally held last week. Your reporting of Lucifier's speech focused almost entirely on the question of whether Britain was ready for a Member of Parliament of demonic heritage and ignored completely the contents of a fantastic speech that held his non-partisan audience completely rapt.

In doing so, you showed shocking bigotry toward me and my kind. There is no reason to think that a demon would be any more corrupt, venial, or uncaring than the average backbench MP. The tone and quality of the debate were reminiscent of the puerile discussions in the late seventies around whether a woman could be Prime Minister -- and we all know that Margaret Thatcher turned out to be only moderately evil in the end.

Perhaps the constituents of Leicester East would have been better served by being able to read about his ideas for introducing fertility drugs into our tap water so that triplets, quadruplets and even quintets become the standard litter -- all with no increase in utility bills.

Or what about his policy for providing free bottled water for those in essential white-collar professions - an important concession as global temperatures rise due to the increasing magma leaking from the Earth's core?

And probably most importantly, what about his plans to solve the infant formula crisis? Only someone with a strong backbone like Lucifer could stand up to those bureaucrats in Brussels who object to it on spurious ethical grounds. It's time we stopped letting the EU tell us who we can and can't experiment on.

You didn't even mention his campaign slogan -- 'Copulation, copulation, copulation'.

Now more than ever, when our nation stands at a crossroads, elections must be fought on issues rather than identity politics. If a paper such as the once highly regarded Chronicle won't focus on the issues, what hope is there for Britain?

Regards,

Quatsiqueeble -- Campaign Manager, "Lucifer for Leicester East 2003"

Thursday 6th February 2003

Dear Readers,

"I heard your voice in the garden and was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself."

So spoke the first two humans, Adam and Eve, after committing the original sin.

Well, we're not hiding anymore.

When they ate the apple, what was once beautiful became shameful. In these end of times, it is beautiful once again.

Which is all just another way for me to say thank you for buying issue number one of Daughters of Eve.

Eyebrows were raised when it was announced that we were going to publish the first-ever glamour magazine focused on a combination of human female and angel female models. But for too long the conversation on sexuality has been led by the demons and their devotees and that's not healthy. It's time to have a new conversation.