The Devil Didn't Make You Do It

"The first few dares were titillating."

"What were they?"

"You know. The standard stuff. Flash my breasts in the Home Depot. Leave the curtain ajar in the department store fitting room. Answer the door bottomless for the pizza delivery man."

"You did that? Bottomless?"

"I was wearing a long night shirt. That wasn't even one of the more exciting dares."

"Why did you do them? What was exciting about them?"

"Some of it is just feeling sexy and feeling desired. Risk of being caught adds to the thrill. For me, there is also an element of empowerment. You challenge me to do something you don't think I'm brave enough to do, and I prove you wrong. I prove to myself that I'm bold enough."

"I sounds like it comes from a place of insecurity."

"Maybe. Sometimes things are just fun though. Did you ever do something just because it was fun in the moment? I mean like skinny-dipping with friends or dancing with the hottest guy in the club even though someone else brought you there?"

"That doesn't sound fun to me. It sounds kind of selfish."

"OK. The club was a bad example. Have you ever had a one night stand? You don't have to answer that. I put you on the hot seat."

"Right. So, was it your boyfriends giving you these dares?"

"Sometimes. My girlfriends did it too. We'd go out on the town and one of them would challenge me. Then we'd all giggle like school girls, and they'd call me a 'slut' but admit they were jealous."

"When did it progress from titillating to exhilarating?"

"I had a boyfriend who was into showing me off. He wanted all his friends to see how hot I am and be jealous. One time, he stood behind me while I chatted with his buddies and slowly unbuttoned my shirt. He opened it all the way so his friends saw my lacy bra. I pretended nothing was unusual, but I loved seeing all those eyes focused on my breasts."

"That's pretty tame. I was expecting something much more obscene."

"It was sexy in the moment. It isn't always about showing more. The act of transgression, undressing me in front of people, made it naughty and drove me wild."

"What happened to that guy?"

"Eventually, he watched me have sex with one of those friends, and I didn't want him anymore."

"That sounds like it was right up your alley. Why did having sex in front of him turn you off?"

"What turned me on was the power of knowing I could have any of his friends with or without him arranging it. With that power, I didn't need him. The thought of making him jealous became more arousing than sex with him."

"That's kind of - I don't know. I don't want to offend you - "

"Trashy? Mean? Slutty? Cruel? I've been called all of those things. It's fair, but it's not the whole story. I don't get off on being cruel exactly. I get off on having the power to be cruel."

"Does that make it better?"

"Probably not."

"So what was the most daring dare?"

"Let's see. Having sex with the lights on in front of the hotel window while people walked by outside was hot."

"You find it sexy to give anonymous strangers a cheap thrill?"

"Like I said. It's about the transgression. It's about doing exactly what I'm not supposed to do. But now that you mention it, there was an even hotter dare."

"What tops sex in front of strangers?"

"I was between boyfriends and contemplating a one night stand with a tall dark and handsome guy I met at a bookstore. One of my girlfriends dared me to invite him home to watch me masturbate. I had to tell him 'no sex' just watching. I was already fantasizing about animalistic fucking, but I found the challenge of the dare unexpectedly compelling."

"Is it more intimate to masturbate with a stranger than to have straight up sex? I mean, how could you do something like that with someone you hardly know?"

"I masturbate every time I have sex. I do it as foreplay. I do it during the deed to make sure I get mine. I do it after when my body still has more pleasure to bestow."

"How does the masturbation top the sex in front of strangers then?"

"He said, 'no'. He actually declined to watch me masturbate. I choose to believe he was just disappointed he couldn't plow my furrow, but still - it offended me."

"I still don't see how this dare was so exciting for you."

"I took it as a challenge. I walked around inspecting the man meat in the market so to speak, and I approached attractive men. I whispered in their ears with no preamble. I just said, 'I want you to watch me masturbate.'"

"How did the men react?"

"They'd take a look at me. They'd see how hot I am. Some would even blush before they walked away."

"I still don't get it. That sounds the opposite of hot."

"I felt like such a slut asking random men to watch me masturbate. My girlfriends couldn't believe I was brave enough to do it. One even claimed I wasn't actually offering a show; I was probably whispering something innocent. So I dragged that friend with me for the next few encounters, and I asked the men face to face where my girlfriend could overhear."

"Did those men reject you, too?"

"Who cares about the ones who backed out or couldn't take it? Asking a man to watch me masturbate turned out to be the perfect 'real man' filter. I don't want the timid dudes anyway. The ones who enthusiastically assented are the ones I took home. It's a great way to cull the herd."

"Wait! More than one? You masturbated in front of more than one stranger?"

"I did, and it was every bit as hot as fucking. After my second orgasm, I broke the rules and let one guy take me from behind while I made out with another."

"How many guys were there?"

"Four. There was this older married guy who exuded confidence. I think I let the muscle guy enter me because I sensed Mr. Married Man might get an extra thrill from it. The guy kissing me and caressing me while I got railed was the bookish type I sometimes go for. Ever since, I've fantasized that bookish guy has spent every day since lamenting how he only got to third base while to other guy stole home."

"Who was the fourth?"

"Ok. You are really going to judge me now. The forth was the driver who brought us all to my apartment. The other men and I were squished together in the back seat of the Cadillac Escalade. We were talking about my proffered performance and ground rules. They could get real close but not touch - that sort of thing. When we went into my apartment, the driver just followed along. I approved of his initiative, so I didn't object. Plus, he was a short Hispanic man. I never had one of those before, so I thought if nothing else, I can add him to my collection."

"I can't help thinking you were riding some sort of exhibitionist high. Are you addicted? Has the thrill faded and you need bigger and bigger hits?"

"I suppose it could have turned out that way. Maybe I'm just lucky and dodged a bullet. Actually, I know I'm lucky. I made a deal with the Devil and survived."

"The Devil?"

"My personal Devil. The Devil I know and have learned to love."

"What do you mean?"

"So, everybody knows about the Devil making deals for souls. Like - the famous 'crossroads' legend where a guy met the devil at a crossroads and gave his soul in exchange for mastery of the guitar."

"Yah. And then the musician dies young or suffers endlessly. Deals with the Devil always go bad, right?"

"I think I found the trick. People want things from the Devil. He gives them what they want, but what about his needs? He has to get something too. What if you don't ask for anything? What if you give freely? There is no deal. The Devil seeks no payment. You give him what he craves, and he gives to you freely as well."

"You lost me. Don't you end up losing your soul to the Devil either way?"

"How many of us walk the road to damnation with consciously choosing it? Stride with purpose, I say. Enjoy the journey."

"It still ends in Hell."

"Does it have to end badly? Can't you part ways after a long and mutually satisfying relationship? Is it not possible to be redeemed?"

"You lost me. Are we talking about the literal Devil or the devil of sex addiction or what?"

"What even is the literal Devil? Is he a fallen Angel? Is he a debonaire gentleman who collects souls for a hobby? Is he a fearsome contract negotiator? If those are the attributes of the literal Devil, then I am talking about the literal Devil."

"And you give yourself to this Devil without asking anything in return?"

"I don't ask. I hope. My Devil is generous in his way. He surprises and delights me."

"How does he do that?"

"It comes back to dares. I can't resists a salacious dare. He dares me to do his dirty work and challenges me to be creative about it."

"What is his dirty work?"

"It's like culling the timid men from the herd. I find the men and sometimes women that may be of use to him."

"Are you some sort of corruptor of the innocent?"

"Hell no! The Devil doesn't want the innocent. The Devil wants the strong, the bold, the ruthless, the creatures with undirected power that the Devil may turn to better uses."

"Can you give an example?"

"That married man from the masturbation show is a prime example. I missed a real opportunity with him. I bet I could have enticed him into my bed and wrapped him around my finger with the Devil shouting encouragement."

"So, how to you bring these men, your gifts, to the Devil?"

"I use the Devil's own playbook. I make them desire me. When they have to have me, I reveal my price. Some turn away, and others make the deal, and a rare few stick around just to see how it ends."

"It sounds very transactional."

"How often is sex transactional anyway? Isn't that the normal way of the world? But, no. Nobody is forced to accept my offer. If they chose, they could reap the benefits without making the deal. I'm generous that way."

"You have totally lost me. What are we talking about now?"

"It's like that boyfriend who wanted to watch his friend bend me over the bed. I enjoyed it. I would have enjoyed it even if the boyfriend wasn't there. I gave my boyfriend what he wanted and asked nothing in return, but I got plenty of returns anyway. It's just like that with the Devil."

"Remind me. What returns do you get?"

"Apart from great steamy hot sex and the thrill of transgression you mean? I suppose I get nothing, but I'm always eager to do it again. I must be getting something after all. Let's see. I get pleasure, satisfaction, pride, money, adventure, and a kind of power."

"Money?"

"OK. That sounded bad."

"It sounds like the Devil is your pimp."

"Ouch! That stings."

"Well?"

"Suppose you are selling a house, and there are two offers. One is low and comes from a cute little family desperate to move out of the ghetto and raise their kids in a good neighborhood. The other offer is above asking price from a big faceless out of town company. Maybe you need the money to buy a new house. Maybe it's a huge sacrifice to accept the lower offer. Maybe you have an obligation to get the best price you can. So, you accept the higher offer. Did the Devil make you do it?"

"I sort of see, but what's your point?"

"I'm the best house on the block in a hot seller's market. Why shouldn't I go to the highest bidder? The Devil isn't my pimp. He's more like my real estate agent who also has an interest in seeing I get the best price."

"You're making me think differently about real estate agents."

"I offered this lewd confession on a dare. Will you make it worth my while?"

"By your standards, I must be one of those wussbags you cull. I don't like your Devil."

"You're so cute. It was a rhetorical question. I already achieved what I came for. I'm just waiting to see if your offer gets better."

"What do you mean?"

"You're here with me - right now. Where are you supposed to be?"

"They'll wait. They can't make any decisions without me."

"Exactly. They won't make a decision. It plays into the Devil's hands just as well as the wrong decision."

"I don't see it."

"You're right. You don't see the complete picture. Indecision emboldens your enemies. They'll strike first."

"They won't, and if they do, they'll regret it."

"See. The only outcome the Devil didn't want was decisive action applied agains his interests. That outcome has been foreclosed. The Devil wins. I win. Now, do you want to fuck or not?"