The Doctor, The Ex-Con

I couldn't see him again! Ruben couldn't see him! He wasn't going to stay with us as a family so I had to stop this before it broke Ruben's heart. I had to say the only thing I could think of to say without destroying my carefully built life. I had to tell him to stay away from us and never contact us again. That's what I had to tell him. Of course I did.

"That would be fine, Carmine. We could meet you wherever you want. Just tell me when and where."

"Let me call you back. I'll have to arrange with my parole officer to travel to see you. He should let me do that. I'll call you tomorrow. It was good talking to you again, Nancy. Goodbye."

Before I could say anything, he was gone. Just as quickly as he entered my life, he was gone again. But he said he would call tomorrow. He would call. I would wait to talk to Ruben until I heard from him again. I wasn't going to get his hopes up for nothing!

I drove home to my son and we shared a meal of pasta and meatballs with lots of cheese and lots of sauce. Ruben always ordered extra garlic bread and he loved their lemonade. He ate with lots of energy and lots of talking and lots of innuendo. I knew he had talked with Carmine but he didn't know I knew and he was bursting at the seams to tell me. But he also believed I would be angry with him so he kept it to himself with difficulty. I smiled inside at the happiness I could feel radiating from him. He had talked with his dad!

Chapter 8 - Carmine

I decided that I had better call Nan before going any further towards seeing Ruben, my son. If she got it in her head I was trying to go around her to talk to Ruben, she could make trouble for me with my PO. I didn't want any trouble at this stage that could land me back in prison. I didn't need that and I didn't want to give her the wrong idea. While I never hated my time there, and the friends I made were good and valuable, I didn't want to go back to the loss of freedom. Just sitting at my kitchen table, looking out the window at the busy street was a joy that I rediscovered every morning. It was more than enough to convince me I never wanted to go back. So, before I lost my nerve, I got the number the PI left me and called her cell. She answered, we talked and the world didn't end! But it was harder to do than I ever expected.

The phone call to Nan had gone better than I had hoped. She was still angry at me for cutting her off as I had, but I had no choice. She and Ruben were better off without me when I was in prison. It was entirely possible that I might never make it out of there, especially the first year or two. Things happened in prison and they were rarely talked about in polite society. I had been lucky; there was no doubt about that. But I had no way of knowing that was going to be the case. I took the only option available to me and cut myself off from both of them. It cost me more than they could ever know. At least they had each other: I had no one but myself.

I had thought of my son a lot during those long nights when I had nothing to look forward to and nothing to occupy my mind. How had he grown? Was he a good kid? Did he have a lot of friends? Was he handsome and popular with the girls? Eileen told me a lot and she had pictures. I treasured the pictures and I kept them safe and dry the whole time I was in, but they weren't the real thing. Even so, I had them still. I had no pictures of Nancy and Eileen never mentioned any to me. She knew that's how I wanted it. I found out later that Nancy was the one that gave Eileen the pictures to give me. I wonder why she never included any with her in them.

When I asked to see both of them, I think it was more of a surprise to me then it was to Nancy. She accepted and seemed anxious to meet but I thought I heard a hesitation in her voice. I wondered if she would rather not see me at all. If that was the case, I could give her an out tomorrow when I called back. Just let her off the hook. That might be best. Yes, that might be what she preferred.

The thought of seeing her again gave me a sudden boost of energy. I had tried to put her out of my mind all the time I was being held for trial. I was successful, telling my guards not to allow her back to see me. And I denied her attempts to bail me out before the trial started just to avoid having to face her and see the betrayal in her eyes. I made the deal putting me in prison just so I would not have to face her. It was not a brave thing to do and any attempt to convince myself that I did it for them was false. I knew better. I knew the truth. I was afraid to face her. I was afraid she would tell me she didn't love me and that she wanted more than I was able to give her. I was afraid she would tell me that she loved that son of a bitch I almost killed, so I cut her out of my life. Ruben was a casualty of that fear: if he came, she would come with him and I would be able to see the truth in her eyes. That would have killed me then.

Now I had some things to consider. Eileen told me when she visited that Nancy had sold the house and moved to a small town east of Columbus. She and Ruben lived alone and Nancy had gone to work at a vet's office. I wondered about that, knowing the amount of money that the house had brought and the insurance policy that would make up my salary. She had no money problems! She didn't need to work or to sell the house. When I asked Eileen, all she said was that Nancy wanted it this way.

Nancy also wrote me a short note after I rejected her attempt to talk to her prior to the divorce. She wanted to let me know that she and Hugo had no further contact and that she had quit her job there. That made me happy. I distinctly remember getting that note from the doctor in the infirmary and when I read it, I almost cried. She didn't love him! That was something. I kept that note and I still have it in the box where I kept those things I brought out with me on the day I was released. They were kept in a prominent place in my small apartment. I looked at them every day and remembered and promised myself that it would never happen again.

Through Eileen, she sent me notes every holiday, every birthday, every important event in my son's life. She let me know when he graduated from grade school. She sent me a copy of the article in the school paper when he was elected class treasurer. She sent me a birthday card on each of my birthdays. She sent me a Valentine's day card, a Christmas card and she told me what she got for him on each of his six birthdays. She told me about his best friend Eddie and how his family welcomed Ruben in as one of their own. She signed each one, 'Love, your wife.' I kept them all; every one. But I answered none of them.

Now I was about to make the first major change in my life since I got out. Taking the job with Jason's clinic was easy. It meant getting out, getting my own place to live and earning enough money to help me begin to live again. Doing the reconstructive work that made people's lives better was pleasure for me, not work. And I was good at it and they appreciated it. They paid very well to show their appreciation. I was making more money than I had ever made and I was satisfied doing what I loved. I didn't want or need the excitement of the emergency room anymore. I wanted peace and quiet and contentment. I had two of the three now and that wasn't all bad. What I was about to do might well mess up my life.

I decided to go over to my PO's office first thing in the morning and talk to him about what I planned to do. I thought Jack might be hesitant to allow me to go, but I hoped I could convince him of my good faith. He had begun to trust me and he only called once or twice a month and then he called first thing in the morning when he knew I was getting ready to go to work. He never embarrassed me by calling there and he never tried to trip me up by calling at times he knew I would be out. I ate dinner out almost every night and I ate breakfast at the clinic. I was in the apartment late in the evening but not much more. He knew where I was however so he called when he knew he could reach me. As a matter of fact, we had beers together every couple of weeks. He knew me as well as anyone and I liked to think that we could be friends once I was done with my probation.

Jack was in his office, buried behind a pile of paperwork, his bald head just appearing over the top of one such stack. I found a clean chair to sit in and waited until he came up for air.

"Carmine! What the hell? What are you doing here? You're not due for ... When the hell are you due? I forget!"

"Not due for a few weeks, Jack. Need to ask you something and maybe get a favor from you. Mind if we talk?"

"Go ahead. I need a break anyway. Want to go down the hall for a cup of coffee?"

"Nah, I'd just like to get to it if you don't mind."

"Go. Talk to me."

"I want to go see my kid and his mom. The kid called me as you know and I talked to him. He sounds like a good kid and I'd like to see them both. I talked to Nancy, my ex and told her Ruben had called me. Didn't want any problem from her thinking I'd done an end around on her. You know?"

Jack just stared at me for a few minutes, rubbing his chin and thinking. He finally grinned, slapped his hand down on the desk top and looked quite pleased with himself.

"I knew it! Made a bet with the wife that you'd want to go see them. Bet a twenty on you, Carmine old boy. You do me proud! Hot Damn!"

He stood, rooted through his desk and found what he was looking for. He pushed it across the desk to me.

"Fill this out when you make your plans and drop it off here before you leave. I'll approve a five day trip so long as you stay within the state of Ohio. Should be no problem since they live here. And make sure I have a phone number to reach you. I'll have to call at least once."

"No problem. I'll do like the kid did and get me one of those prepaid cells. Should be no problem, now that you let me get a credit card. Big fricken deal: a credit limit of $300."

"Carmine, Carmine, Carmine! When are you going to learn? That card is one of those new Check Cards. It's good for whatever you have in your checking account. It will allow you to get cash with a limit of $300 a day, but you can buy any damned thing you want, and you can use it for gas or a motel room, stuff like that."

We talked a little more, Jack cautioning me to take it slow with the kid and with the ex. Don't get angry and don't loose my temper. As if that was ever going to happen again. The prison shrinks made damn sure of that. I think my head would explode if I got really angry. But, I was ready and all I had to do was find the guts to make the trip.

I waited until it was late before calling Nan back. I was hoping that Ruben would be in bed and I could talk to her without her having to tell him it was me. Silly, I know but so what. I dialed the number and waited. She answered on the second ring. She had been waiting apparently. Was that a good sign?

"Hello. Carmine, is that you?"

"It's me. Sorry to be so late but I had to go see my parole officer and still finish rounds at the clinic. I hope Ruben is in bed by now?"

"He goes up early and does his homework, then talks to Eddie, his friend or some of his other friends. Then he listens to music or watches a little TV. He's a good kid, Carmine. You'd be proud of him. You really would."

"I've always been proud of him, even when I was in the big house. I had the pictures you sent and all the clippings and other notes. Thank you for them. I valued them very much. It helped to pass the time."

"You're very welcome. I thought you would want to know as much as you could about him. I worried that it might be too painful for you but you never asked Eileen to tell me to stop so I kept on. I'm glad they helped you."

"They did. So did all the notes you wrote me. I got them all. I didn't answer, but I got them."

"I'm glad. Did you make the plans yet? Are you coming to see Ruben?"

"Yes. I have five days to spend with him when I come. I don't know how you feel about seeing me. I thought when I called earlier that I didn't give you a choice. I want you to know that I'll understand if you would rather me just see him. I don't want to force you to see me if you don't want to. So, if you want me to meet him someplace alone, that's OK."

"Why would you get that impression? I would love to see you. It's been your choice not to see or speak to me, Carmine, not mine. You know that!"

"I know. But I was afraid to see you before. But time has passed and things are different now. I would like to see you both and maybe you and I can be friends. I would like that very much."

There was a silence on the other end and I was afraid I had said too much. Damn, it was hard being sociable! In the pen, we said what we thought and screw the other guy if he didn't like it. We settled it privately. At least, some did. I had rank, and that gave me protection. So, I tried not to abuse the privilege.

"Carmine, just come when you can and let's take it from there. OK?"

"Yeah, OK. I'm sorry. It's hard for me. I'll take next week off and travel on Sunday and be there Sunday night. I'll get a motel and call you from there. Would that be OK?"

"That would be perfect. I can take Ruben out of school but I would rather not. It's getting too close to finals and he needs to be there. You can plan to pick him up after school and stay with him at our place until I get home. Then we can all talk together. Is that OK with you?"

"You would trust me to pick him up alone? Without you?"

"Carmine! You're his father! Of course I trust you. I would trust you with his life!"

"Thank you. I have to go. Goodbye. I'll call when I get there."

I had to hang up before I lost it! God, she sounded so sincere! She would trust me with his life? And I had gone to prison for almost killing a man with a baseball bat! How could she trust me? It was more than I could take and I found myself sitting on the bed, crying like a baby.

But then I remembered. I had plans to make and things to do. I was going to see my son and Nancy!

Chapter 9 – Nancy

He called! I waited all day and began to believe he was not going to call, but he did! And he was coming to see us both! He wanted me to be free to bow out and not have to see him? What the hell was that all about? Did he think I was afraid of him? That I didn't want to be with him again? How in the world could he come to that conclusion? He shut me out, not the other way around. And I told him I wanted nothing more to do with Hugo. I told him that and made sure he got the note. The doctor told me he made sure Carmine read it and understood it. So he knows that Hugo was never part of my or Ruben's life.

But he was coming! I was going to be able to see him again and talk with him. I can hope that he will allow me to apologize for my mistakes and for making him go crazy. It was my fault that he spent all those years in prison, away from his life and his work and his son. It was my fault and I had to let him know how sorry I was. I had to tell him that it was never anything he did that caused me to do something so stupid and so selfish. God, how selfish was I? Even now when I remember the way I was thinking back then, it makes me sick to my stomach. Sick and miserable.

I wonder what he thinks about me now? Or, if he even does think of me. And did he think of me during all those years? Like I thought of him? How many nights did he fall asleep, his hands holding his erection, wishing it were my hand holding him? As many as I did, using my fingers to ease the pain I felt from not having his body on mine, his hardness inside me where it belonged? All those years lost, the nights we could have been together, making love like we did before it all went to hell. Before I destroyed it all with my stupidity.

And what made it even worse for me was that the last man inside me, the last man to have my body wasn't even my husband! It was Hugo! The man that I let destroy my marriage and send the man I love to prison! Hugo! Even now, that thought makes me sick. Sick at heart as well as sick to my stomach. When the memory surfaces, as it does on those days when the world seems to have it in for me, I end up on the floor in the bathroom, still wet from the shower that never seems to make me feel clean. And regardless of what they say, time hasn't made it any less. It is still as vivid in my memory as the day it happened. And I hate it! I pray that I can forget it, but so far my prayers haven't been answered.

Enough! It was done and it was over. Stop wishing and saying sorry over and over. It doesn't help anything! And stop waiting for fate to come along and punish you so it can then forgive you! God doesn't punish the guilty and reward the innocent! That was for stories and books. In the real world, innocents like Carmine pay the price for the guilty like me. I stayed home, free to come and go as I pleased. Carmine was locked up for trying to protect what was his. Hugo got off scott-free taking something that didn't belong to him and paying no price. Sure he got beat up, but a beating wasn't much to sacrifice for taking what wasn't his to take. And I paid no price at all, unless it was the price of losing the man I loved, but when I think of it that way, the price I paid was actually pretty stiff. Maybe there was something to that. Maybe God did punish the guilty!

Now that he called, I had to tell Ruben. I had to tell him I knew his secret and that his dad wanted to see him and he was coming for five days. I wanted to tell him when he was home with me so that I could control his expectations. I didn't want him to go off half cocked and plan on a reunification of our family. Carmine said it himself. He said that wasn't going to happen. He said it so that Ruben wouldn't get his hopes up. Nothing was said about my hopes. And my hopes were my business and I would take care of myself. Ruben was my real concern just now.

Tomorrow. I would tell him tomorrow after school. Tomorrow was a Thursday and that would give him three days to get ready. Three days was nothing after the seven years he had waited. Who was I kidding? Three days was a lifetime for a kid! Should I wait until almost Monday? Would Carmine call when he got in? What if Ruben answered the phone? No! I would tell him tomorrow after school and be done with it. Good!

Chapter 10 - Ruben

Dad hasn't called back yet. I know he will. It's only been a week since I last talked with him. I would call him but I don't know his number. He didn't give it to me when he called and the caller ID said it was 'blocked'. Whatever that means. But I know he'll call. He said he would and I believe him. I just have to be patient. That's what mom says all the time when I get antsy. Just be patient she says. It will happen when it's supposed to happen. Sure. Just wait. Time goes so slow that it's hard to wait. But I have no choice. I'll wait.

Why doesn't he call?

At school today it's a trip to see the water purification plant. Big deal! Like I care how they make the water good to drink. It's good to drink so who cares. Anyway, I like the bottled water and I use my allowance to buy it as often as I can. Me and Eddie buy it and carry the bottles around all day. Sometimes I just fill the empty bottle with water from the fountain but it's still better than tap water.

I listen to the guide tell us all about the big tanks and the settling tanks and the algae and the chemicals and I try to remember it all since the teacher will give us a quiz on it later. Fortunately, I have one of those memories that hangs on to crap like that. So, I'm really lucky that way. Eddie doesn't remember stuff. He has a real problem with it and I have to help him all the time. But he's my friend so I do it. No big deal.