The Doctor, The Ex-Con

"Carmine, I have to tell you that you are wrong. This was never your fault. I was the one that started the chain of events that ended with you going to jail. It was my fault that Hugo was there in our bedroom. It was my fault that we were in bed with each other. It was my fault, Carmine, and you were just caught up in my betrayal. I knew what I was doing and I knew that it was wrong. I know that and I apologize to you for everything you had to go through because of me.

"When I saw you there, that bat in your hand and the look on your face, I knew in that instant that my life was over. I was afraid that you were going to kill Hugo with that bat and that's why I jumped you. I couldn't let you go to jail for something that was my fault. I knew then that I had made a horrible mistake. I knew it and I had to stop you from killing him. Not to save him, but to save you! But when I saw your eyes, I became afraid. You were someone else then. That was what I told the lawyer and he agreed that you were not yourself.

"Why didn't you let us save you from prison, Carmine? Why? Why did you give up your son and your freedom for something I did?"

Carmine listened to me, his face calm and his eyes warm. He listened and he heard me, of that I was certain. But he was shaking his head, denying my words. I had to try again.

"Please, Carmine. I know I hurt you and I hurt our family. Ruben had to pay the price for what I did. I paid a terrible price as well, but that was only right. I was guilty, not you. I can't forgive myself for what I did to you and the price you had to pay for it. I'll never forgive myself."

"Nancy, you must forgive yourself. I was the one that failed you and Ruben. I should have stayed and faced you and worked with you to save our family. Maybe it wouldn't have worked and we would have separated anyway. Perhaps that was what was needed. But I didn't. I took a bat and tried to kill a man instead of working within the laws of reason to find a better way.

"And what I said about the papers was true. I spared you and Ruben the humiliation of a trial. A trial that would have had to happen once that man recovered. And they would have been vicious. Vicious to all of us. I couldn't let that happen to Ruben or even to you. And please, Nan, forgive yourself. I have forgiven you. I have even learned to forgive myself for what I did."

I looked into his eyes and I believed him. He had forgiven me and himself and he was at peace with what happened. But now a new thought occurred to me. How did he feel about me? Was that selfish? Was that thought not worthy of me at that time? He was here to see his son, not me. I knew that. But the thought nagged at me and I searched my heart for the courage to ask.

"Carmine, can I say something to you now? Something that you may rather not hear?"

Carmine looked at me with a smile and nodded his head. "Say anything, Nan, and I'll listen. And I'll try to answer any questions you may have."

"I still love you as much as I did before, Carmine. I never stopped and there has never been anyone else for me before or since. Hugo had nothing to do with my love for you. You can believe that."

And now for the real question. Carmine was just watching me, his eyes giving nothing away. I had to ask.

"Can I ask how you feel about me, Carmine?"

Carmine continued to look at me, his eyes giving away nothing. As I began to fidget, nervously awaiting his answer, he rose and walked toward the window looking out toward the street. He began, his back to me and his posture reflecting a sort of firmness. Maybe he was about to tell me that he no longer had any feelings for me. Well, I wouldn't be surprised and I wouldn't blame him. But that's not what he said.

"Nancy, how I feel is rather complicated. I never stopped loving you or Ruben when I made my decision to go to jail. I did that for the reasons I gave you. I believed I was doing the right thing for us as a family. I did that out of love for both of you. You have to understand that.

"But, at the same time, even though I took responsibility for putting you in a position to cheat on me, I still fail to understand why you did that. I have finally found peace with myself and with your actions, but the pain took a long time to heal. I needed that time and so did you. So, in my own mind, our marriage had to end. It was time. The conditions were not going to change and what happened was inevitable."

"No, Carmine, no! I did something that I still can't explain to you. I was the one that betrayed you and our family. It was me, Carmine, and only me. I know how you feel about what you did, but you have to see it was my actions that put you into that situation. You would never hurt anyone! Never! You were so tired and your mind was so fatigued that when you saw me betraying you, you just snapped. That was all my fault and mine alone! That situation will never happen again! Never!"

Carmine was shaking his head but he did turn and look at me again. His eyes were filled with tears that he refused to shed. I felt a need to go to him and take him into my arms and just hold him, but I was terrified to move. Not fear of Carmine, but fear of his reaction. I couldn't bear to have him reject me. That would kill me.

"No, Nan, our marriage had to end. We had grown apart, with my hours and you hating to be alone. Ruben was all that was holding us together then. I was so into my work at the hospital that I often failed to think of either of you until I was on my way home. To me, that was wrong. You and Ruben should have been my first priority always. My job should have been only that; a job. I've come to understand that and now I'm doing what I should have been doing before. I work at a job I like, but the job is not my life."

"But where does that leave us, Carmine? What do we do now? Just see each other when you come to see Ruben or when I come to get him? After all we were to each other, is that all that's left? I can't believe that Carmine. I just can't."

"You and I are two different people now Nan. How do we know how we'll feel after a while. You are remembering me as I was. I'm no longer the same man. I've learned things no civilized man should know and I sometimes react in inappropriate ways. I can be dangerous to those around me. I have to remember every day that I'm free to do as I wish. That is an awesome responsibility for someone who never had to face restrictions and responsibilities. I always had it easy, and when it came time to act responsibly and do the right thing, I almost killed a man without thinking. I should have been thinking about you and Ruben and my responsibilities and I failed you."

"Carmine, you have been around others who also failed and you now believe that you will fail again. I don't believe that. You've changed, Carmine, I can see it in your eyes. You're the same man I knew and loved and that hasn't changed. You may think different but I know better. You weren't in your right mind when you did the things you did.

"And as for Ruben and me, you never failed us. I certainly did and that is the truth, but not you. You were doing what you loved and when someone needed you, you went. I should have honored my vows to you to remain faithful and I didn't. To this day, I don't know why other than letting myself drink too much when with another man who turned out to be a predator. That was my failing, Carmine, not yours.

"And just so you know, Carmine, Hugo promised to come after you when you got out. He was talking about civil court and suing you for all he could get. That's another thing for which I'm responsible. So you see, you didn't fail us; I did."

Carmine and I talked for the rest of the evening, until Ruben came back. We resolved nothing but we did begin to understand each other better. It was strange, partly because at times it seemed so natural for him to be sitting there talking to me. At other times, the differences between the man he was and was now came through. I found the new Carmine to be as wonderful as the older version but that was because I still loved the memory. Carmine was trying to make me see that.

Carmine and Ruben spent another hour together, talking about what they had been doing and it was wonderful to see the bond that still existed between father and son. For some reason, that hit me harder than anything, knowing I was responsible for breaking that bond in the first place. But at least it wasn't a permanent thing. Ruben finally began to show his age as his eyes began to close in spite of his protestations that he wasn't tired. I knew he had not slept last night and it was catching up with him now. Carmine saw it as well and urged Ruben to go to bed. He promised that he would still be around for the next few days. Ruben finally left, grinning after Carmine hugged him and I kissed his cheek.

"Well, Nancy, I should be going. What is your schedule like for tomorrow? I'd like to spend some more time with both of you, of course, but you and I should talk some more."

"I'll get Ruben off to school and then I'll call in for time off. I have a lot of vacation time coming so it should be no problem. Is that OK with you?"

"That would be perfect. I could take you out for breakfast if you'd like to go. Anytime is fine with me."

"Why don't you pick me up about 8:30. We can get breakfast and then spend some more time talking."

"Perfect." Carmine rose and headed toward the door. I followed behind, wondering what tomorrow would bring. Whatever it was, I was prepared for it and I had hopes that things could continue to develop. But that was only my hope. I had no idea of what Carmine wanted.

I stopped, watching as he opened the door. He turned, looked back at me and said, "This went better than I had hoped. Thank you for seeing me and thank you for making Ruben into the fine young man he is. Goodnight and I'll see you tomorrow."

With that, he was gone. This time, I knew he'd be back.

Chapter 18 – Carmine

As I drove back to the motel, I reviewed the entire evening in my mind. Ruben was a great boy, and I was impressed with both him and his initiative. There was little question that Nancy had raised him well and had instilled a lot of wonderful qualities in him. I enjoyed my time with him and I knew that I could never walk away from him again. I was in his life to stay now.

Nancy was just as I remembered her. She looked exactly as she did back then and if possible, she had become even more beautiful. And from my information, she never dated or saw other men socially. That was interesting. But, as I told her, and as I fully believed, our marriage had to be ended. We really were two different people now.

But that begged the question; how did I feel about her now? I had struggled for the past several years with that question, long before I came to meet them, and didn't want to face the answer. But, I knew the answer as soon as she walked in that door today. Well, that was for another discussion. Tomorrow was just to find my son and his mother again.

Back at the motel, I picked up the phone and placed a call. It was to a contact number I was given by my erstwhile friend Pan. Pan and I had become friends in prison when he developed a problem that I was able to diagnose. I talked to the prison doctor who knew my background and recommended to him the proper course of treatment. It involved some laser surgery to reattach a torn retina but it was relatively straightforward and he was able to schedule it for Pan. Pan, who believed he was going blind, was grateful and promised to pay me back some day.

Well, what I wanted was fairly simple so I told the man at the other end of the phone who I was, who had given me the number and all he said was, "Whatever you need, consider it done." I then gave him Hugo Bentz's name and previous location and told him that Hugo had promised to sue me in Civil court and that I would appreciate anything he could do to make that not happen. I offered to pay him the going rate for whatever he did and he simply said, "No charge. Pan said to take care of you. As I said, consider it done."

"Thanks and please give my regards to Pan. I'm still on probation and I can't contact him. Will you do that?"

"Consider it done." A man of few words but they were words I wanted to hear. He hung up and that was that.

See? What did I tell you? Prison friends are not like any other friends you'll ever make. Those friends are forever and when they say they'll be there for you, they mean it. All I have to give if called upon is money but believe me, if one of them asks, I'll answer. And like the man at the other end of the phone, no questions asked.

I never heard a word from Hugo Bentz, then or later.

Chapter 19 - Ruben

"Hey, Rube, you going to your pop's this weekend? And what's up with your mom and dad now? Anything happening?"

Eddie was tossing a ball into the air and pretending it was a fly ball and he was able to snatch it with his glove. He was looking up at the ball as he asked. We were walking toward the ball park and hoping to get into a pickup game. Eddie was really good and wanted to play for the majors someday. I guess he had a chance.

"Well, I don't know for sure, Eddie, but they've been spending a lot of time together lately. Dad came down last weekend and he and mom went out to dinner again. They do that a lot, maybe to get away from me. I don't mind cause I like it that they get together."

"Maybe they're doing it. What do you think?" Eddie was laughing and I decided not to take him seriously. If I did, I'd have to hit him. He didn't duck or anything so I took it as a funny comment.

"Nah, they don't even stay out that late. They always come home pretty early and pick me up from Mrs. Evans' place. We sometimes go out for ice cream before dad goes back to his motel. Mom keeps asking him to stay but he won't. I even told him I'd give him my bed and sleep on the floor in my sleeping bag but he says that it's best if he stays at the motel. I don't see why. When I go to see him, I have my own room in his place."

"Yeah, his place. What's it like? Is it neat? I bet he has a huge place all by himself."

"I've only been there twice, you know, and actually, it's pretty much of a dump. It's in a real bad part of town and it's real old and run down. His stuff is OK and the big screen TV is really cool, but the rest is like his truck: just cheap and old and used. But, it's OK with me just to be with him. We go lots of places and I go with him when he stops in at his clinic. He's part owner, you know."

"Cool, dude. Hey, come on, I see some guys ready to play some ball. Come on, Rube, let's get there before they choose up sides."

I followed Eddie to the park and decided to sit the first game out. Eddie just shrugged his shoulders and went out to play center field. I sat down on the bench and watched. I was thinking of the question Eddie asked. About my folks. I knew that mom wanted to have dad come home to stay with us but I knew dad was not ready to do that. Mom was happier now that dad was with us even part time. She dressed a lot nicer, she took more care of herself and even did something with her hair. It seemed lighter now and it was a lot prettier, even I could see that.

Dad told me a couple of times that he wanted to be part of the family again and that he wanted to spend more time with both of us. I thought that was a good sign and asked him if he and mom were going to get married again so we could all be together. He didn't answer right away but I saw his smile before he said that it was possible. I thought that was a good sign too. But maybe it will take more time. I don't know. I just hoped that it would happen.

As I thought about it, I was pretty sure things would work out. Just then, Eddie called me and told me to take first base. The kid playing first had to go home for some reason so I grabbed my mitt and took my place. I stopped thinking of my parents when the first ball was hit right to me.

Epilogue. – A Year Later

Eddie and I rode our bikes down to the 7-11 to get a couple of cokes. It was the last time we would be together, at least for the foreseeable future. We had been best friends for the last seven years and saying goodbye was hard but we were guys and guys didn't show emotion. I was sixteen now and Eddie was close to seventeen. He was playing varsity baseball and was a hero to the girls. I was more of a nerd, preferring the school paper and the journalism classes. But we had remained the best of friends all through grade school and high school.

"Did you ever think when your dad called you that this was going to happen? Did you, really, or was it just a wild dream?"

I looked at Eddie as he asked this. I answered him in all seriousness.

"To be honest, Eddie, I didn't have any idea when I called but that I wanted to see my father. That was all I wanted to do. I knew I had a father and I wanted to see him since it was all I could do then to remember him. He had gone away when I was just eight or nine and I couldn't remember much about him. Mom said it was because he was an important doctor and people needed him all the time.

"I knew that I had to try to contact him when you showed me that story about him getting out of prison. After that, it just all happened the way it did."

"Well, were you surprised when your dad asked your mom to marry him again?"

Eddie was grinning now. This was why we were here. Mom said yes and we were moving to be with dad. He bought a nicer place with the money mom had put aside for him and that's where we were going. Mom and dad were going to be married as soon as we got relocated. I was happier than I could ever remember.

"No, I wasn't surprised, but I'm glad she said yes. Hey, I'll call you as soon as we get there and I find out the phone number. Maybe you can come and visit soon.

"Count on it, buddy!"

We headed back to the moving van so my bike could be loaded. Eddie stopped as I gave the men my bike and when I moved toward him, he jumped off, letting his bike fall to the ground. Before I knew what he was going to do, he wrapped his long arms around me and squeezed hard. I was taken by surprise, but I returned the hug and squeezed myself. We held it for a few seconds and then Eddie let go and picked up his bike and moved off at top speed.

As he sped away, he waved once before bending over and peddling hard. I watched him go, my vision blurry. It had to be allergies, making my eyes water. Sure it was.

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Just a few editorial changes to correct some early errors, but no biggies. Hope you liked it. thecelt