The Emasculation of Henry Smith

When a young man started hitting on him and wouldn't take no for an answer; his buddies had figured it out and tried to help him, but he just wasn't hearing it. Henry decided to show him why it was a bad idea. I thought the young mand was going to pee himself.

It hit me then how much Henry had grown since we met. Everything I had done to him was a new adventure. Everything that happened, he took in stride. Henry was not the ogre April had painted him out to be. He was a good person, good man, I had ruined his life; and I loved him. What had I done, and could he ever forgive me? Could I ever forgive myself? April and I were the ogres; we deserved each other and whatever that entailed.

We had dinner with Ben and Mike when we got home and told them all about Key West. Somehow, we all ended up in the pool and naked which gave Mike the opportunity to start flirting with Henry again. It really bothered Henry this time and Ben asked Mike to go apologize. When Henry told me what he and Mike talked about, I found myself a little jealous.

Henry informed his boss of what was going on and found his company was very supportive of the situation and had programs in place, no matter what he decided, he made an appointment with Ben to discuss whatever the Dr. told him

The next week was hell for me, trying to pretend that nothing was wrong and blaming it on work while trying to figure out what I was going to do when Henry saw the Oncologist and found out that someone had done this to him intentionally. I was the only suspect.

I called April in desperation, I think it's time for you to come home, darling," was all she said. I bought my plane ticket.

Henry's appointment was Friday morning. Thursday night I couldn't bear to look at Henry, to think about what I had done, I spent the night alone in the kitchen starting at the silly wine labels he had framed from the day we christened our new house and thinking about the squirrels in the back yard. I packed my bags and waited until it was time to make Henry's breakfast and his coffee. I told Henry I had meetings at work all day and I was not going to be there for him at the Oncologist.

I kissed him hard trying to remember everything about it and knowing it would be the last time. I watched him as he got on his bike and pulled away to find out the truth about my treachery, feeling my heart shatter.

I called an Uber and headed for the airport. My phone rang, it was Henry, I declined the call and turned my phone off. On top of my guilt, I couldn't face his wrath, too. I turned my phone on and off a dozen times, dialing Henry and then Ben, each time hanging up before the call could connect.

April met me at the airport, she was so excited to hear all the gory details of the past several months, I told her I was exhausted from my trip and just wanted to sleep, could she please wait until tomorrow. She reminded me of how inconsiderate I was being but agreed that I would remember more of the details if I were rested. I slept in my old room that night, another reason for April to be upset with me, but I didn't care anymore. I deserved whatever retribution April would deem necessary for whatever transgression, real or imagined. We deserved each other.

I waited until April had left for work before I got up, I turned my phone on and dialed Ben's number, "Bonnie, Where the hell are you? Are you alright? We are all going nuts worrying about you, Henry is a basket case. What the fuck is going on," he waited for me to pick a question to answer, I answered them all, he just listened.

We talked about all of it for almost an hour before he told me he had to go," Is Henry there," I asked?

Ben didn't know me anymore, "Yes, that's right," was all he said.

"Do you think he is going to be alright; Ben is he going to make it through this, "I was cratering.

"He is," What Ben was not saying said more than his words, he was livid with me.

"Ben, please promise me you won't tell Henry where I am, please promise me Ben, please, please, please," I was begging," I love him Ben and I ruined him, please take care of him for me, will you do that for me, Ben," I had no more words.

"Ok," came his reply and he hung up the phone.

April took the next day off, just so I could tell her everything about what had happened, she was upset that her breakfast wasn't ready, or course, but allowed that it was my first day back, she could forgive me. We talked about what had happened and it appalled me the joy she was taking at how we had destroyed Henry, she wanted intimate details about everything I had asked him to do; the masturbation, the dressing, the vibrators, and the strap-on, all of it. By the time we were done, I was exhausted and looked forward to cooking dinner just so I could think about something else for a while.

April insisted I move back into our room and I obliged, doing my best to please her as she had taught me. It was far more difficult to pretend with April than it had ever been to pretend with Henry. The next morning, it was as if, I had never been gone, as far as April was concerned, anyway. I had her breakfast and coffee ready at 6:30 and would have dinner on the table when she got home at 7. I was not going to get a job, mine was to take care of our house and of April, that was it. She never mentioned our wedding or the dresses again. I didn't care, as far as I was concerned, I was getting exactly what I deserved.

11.

I thought about everything that had happened between me and Bonnie all the way back to the night we met in that bar in Jersey, running it over in my mind looking for some hint, some clue. I wondered if Tony was still there, rooting for his Giants and if Maggie was still holding court at the little diner next door. I tried to smile, but it just hurt too much. I thought about all the things Bonnie had taught me, all the little surprises she had shared with me and how much I had grown through meeting her, how much my universe had expanded. I shaved my legs, under my arms, and took care of what little stubble I had on my chest. I thought about New Year's Eve in 'The City' and meeting Victor and Jerry and how it felt when Victor kissed me and how it felt when I had kissed Mike. When the water turned cold, I got out of the shower, dried off, and looked at myself in the mirror. I offered a sad smile to the woman looking back at me and sat down to do my makeup.

I had to pick out my own clothes and opted for a mix of old and new with boots and jeans and a not-too-tight blouse that made my breasts evident and let the lace bra I had selected show through just a little. Mike had joined Ben in the kitchen and between the two of them, they had made breakfast. I apologized for using all the hot water and gave them both a kiss, "Thank you guys for being here with me. It means the world to me, really," I poured a cup of coffee, grabbed a piece of bacon and sat down next to Mike, "Do you know a Dr. Parker? She's a surgeon," I asked. Mike almost spit his coffee out.

"Henry, are you sure? That's a pretty drastic decision," I had never seen Mike this serious.

"I just want to talk to her about options and, I do plan on talking to my psychologist about it first, that is if I can ever get in to see him. Something always seems to come up and interrupt our appointments," my attempt at a joke fell flat and I looked at Ben who didn't seem surprised by what I asked Mike.

I told them about what Dr. Creed had told me, about what I thought about in the shower, and admitted that, while it was not something I had ever imagined, it did seem to be the most logical path forward. Better than being a hybrid, anyway.

Ben said he would fit me in first thing Monday morning. Mike said he did know Dr. Parker and had, in fact, attended a few of her seminars and if this was really the path I wanted to take, she is the person he would recommend doing the surgery. He said he would love to do my face, if I wanted. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, "I wouldn't have it any other way."

Ben and Mike stayed in my guest room for the weekend, we spent Saturday out by the pool just talking about what had happened, mostly they just listened to me as I processed everything and tried to figure out what I was going to do with the situation Binnie had left me in. There was a lot of crying and hugging and even a few moments of laughing, but they were rare. Sunday was more of the same except they convinced me to go to the club with them for lunch. It was nice and getting out of the house was a good idea, but our melancholy tone overshadowed everything else. By the time Monday morning rolled around, I had effectively been through two days of intensive therapy and felt like I could face the outside world. In fact, going back to work would force me to think about something other than Bonnie and what she had done to me.

Even after the extensive discussions over the weekend, I still took up two hours of Ben's time that morning and would see him twice a week for as long as necessary. We talked about Bonnie and about what had happened to me and about if and why I really wanted to go down this path. For some reason, I found it impossible to be mad at Bonnie, Ben and I talked about that, too. I was curious to know why but felt sorry for her in a way and missed her terribly. I just wanted to talk to her and ask her in person.

12.

About a week later, my phone rang, it was Ben, he asked me how things were, and I lied, telling him everything was just fine, I intentionally didn't ask about Henry and he didn't offer. We played out this same scenario for the next few weeks, him calling, me pretending everything was fine and him pretending to believe me.

Ben finally told me to cut the crap and tell me what was really going on, we talked for three hours and I felt better than I had in a long time. Henry had accepted what I had done and, according to Ben, refused to be mad at me. That hurt worse than anything else, but it made my heart warm to know that Henry was going to be alright. I told him that I had started doing things to make April mad, just so she would punish me. He called me back an hour later with a list of names of therapists, demanding I start seeing one yesterday. He even said he would pay for it if it would upset April; I agreed.

I found a therapist not far from the apartment that I could see without much chance of April finding out. It took me a while to build up enough trust to get into details about all the horrible things I had done, but she just listened. We never talked about good or bad, just healthy and unhealthy; was that a healthy choice or an unhealthy one? What would have happened if I had made a different choice? We talked about what Tony had done and how my family had taken his side and a lot about codependency and what it looked like. My family was a poster for that one, and I started to understand why I was so susceptible to April's manipulation. I was a long way from being able to do anything about it, but I was learning to recognize what was really going on.

When Ben told me about Henry's decision to have the surgery, I forced him to tell me when and where. I knew I had to go see Henry, just to make sure he was really alright. I remembered how much Victor had liked Henry, so I called him to let him and Jerry know what was going on. We talked for a long time and I promised them I was getting help and that I knew why they had all been concerned about me and April, it would take time before I would be strong enough to do anything about it, assuring him, that as long as I behaved, everything was relay kind of nice.

13.

I stopped at a nail salon on the way into the office and got a manicure and pedicure. This time I opted for slight nail extensions and chose the same almost purple pink I had on my toes when Bonnie and I had gotten our nails done together. It was after lunch when I got to work. I stopped by Sarah's office first explaining what I had learned and letting her know which way I was leaning; not that my makeup, clothes and manicure hadn't already given it away. I would let her know if, and when that decision was final. She let me know that it was alright to dress as feminine as I wanted considering the situation, she would send out as general email to the company letting them know in general terms, what was going on and that professional behavior was till the expectation. She did request that I use the gender-neutral bathrooms until things were official, which made perfect sense.

Dave understood why I was so late and was surprised that I had come in at all when I told him about Bonnie and everything Dr. Creed had told me. In fact, he was surprised I wasn't face-down drunk somewhere. I laughed at that one and told him that the only way through something like this is forward and I was going to need my work to keep my mind off everything else.

Dr. Creed was next. I called his nurse to let them know where my head was. She put me on hold and Dr. Creed came on the line. I told him what I had discovered and that I had already talked to my psychologist and that I wanted to continue the hormone therapy. He echoed what Dave had said about being surprised I wasn't drunk somewhere, said he would write the prescriptions, slightly different than what Bonnie had been giving me but just as effective if not more so, and transferred me back to his nurse for further instructions. We went over the proper way to take the medications; all at once with coffee was not the best option, she joked as she confirmed my pharmacy. She set me up with recurring appointments every two months so Dr. Creed could monitor my blood levels and said she thought I was making the right choice. That made me feel a little better. I could pick up the prescriptions on the way home.

Mike called and let me know that he had gotten ahold of Dr Parker and that she did remember who I was. She was surprised to hear about my choice but would check her schedule and set up a consultation and have her staff give me a call. I would have to go to New York for the consult and the procedure, but I didn't think that would be a problem. Mike offered for he and Ben to fix me dinner and, while I appreciated their offer, I decided I just wanted to be alone tonight. I might spend the evening with my old friend Mr. Macallan, I wasn't sure. Mike understood and said he would check in with me tomorrow.

I picked up my new medications and grabbed a burger on the way home, poured myself a scotch and immediately decided that last thing I wanted was to be alone in this house. The glass shattered when it hit the wall and scotch stained the spot where the wine label had hung. I left the mess where it was, packed an overnight bag and drove to Ben and Mikes. I let myself in, looked for Mike and Ben, following their voices upstairs, I was promptly introduced to the most intimate aspects of their relationship.

"Holy fuck, Henry, what the hell," Ben pulled free from Mike's 'embrace'? Mike just started laughing as he exploded all over the bedspread.

"Um, sorry...," was all I could think to say, "can I stay her tonight, maybe for a few days," I was doing everything I could not to laugh at the scenario I had created and was failing miserably.

Ben finally joined in, realizing the absurdity of the whole thing, "Yes, you can stay, but shit, Henry, fucking knock next time, will you?"

A few days turned into a few weeks and then a few months. I spent most of my time at work and was only using Ben and Mike's house to sleep, shower, and change clothes. I stopped by my house to pick up different clothes, get my mail, and to make sure nothing wandered off, but just couldn't bear to be there by myself with all the reminders of Bonnie all over the house.

Mike and Ben and I still did brunch on Sundays and I found it was the highlight of my week. My appointments with Dr. Creed went well and I noticed the changes had started to accelerate, I had to buy all new bras and wished that Bonnie could be there with me to help pick them out. I had tried to find her but without luck. Ben had promised her he would not tell me where she was. It was the only point of tension between us and after some time, I decided to just let it go.

My twice-a-week sessions with Ben very quickly grew beyond my gender issues and what had happened with Bonnie and started to cover my relationship with April and my family. I discovered I had a very highly developed need to be accepted and to please others which is not a bad thing if, Big IF, you understand how it works and how to prevent others from taking advantage of you. That is where I was lacking, and we worked on it extensively. It turns out my older brother Rick had unintentionally groomed me for this from a very early age. I idolized Rick from day one, pretty much following him around like a puppy dog, doing whatever he asked me to do and lapping up the praise like that same puppy would lap up spilled gravy. He was the golden child and everything he did was perfect, not in a subjective, he could do no wrong type of way, he was just really good at everything he tried and I had wanted to be just like him for as long as I could remember. Many of my childhood and teenage decisions were based on what would Rick think or what would Rick do. I even went to Texas not because it was a great school or had a degree program that I really wanted to pursue, both of which were true, but because it is were Rick went.

By the time I met April, a true narcissist in the clinical sense, I was her perfect victim and I spent the next twelve years trying and failing to meet her ever changing and unrealistic demands. Ben had given me books on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and they read like my diary, if I had been allowed to keep one. When I met Bonnie, it was more of the same, except, it would turn out, Bonnie was as much a victim as me and my desire to please complimented her own issues. We were perfectly dysfunctional together. I still had no idea why she had done what she did to me but was deciding that it really didn't matter anymore. In the final analysis, she had helped me discover who I really was and that was a good thing, regardless what Rick was going to think.

I had my consultation with Dr. Parker in October and with the letters from Ben, Mike and Dr. Creed, we scheduled my surgery for just after Christmas. I would miss Victor's New Year's Ever party which I regretted. In less than a year after I met Bonnie, I would become, quite literally, a completely different person.

Thanksgiving, I went home to share what was going on with my family. It was long overdue, and I decided not to tell them the how or who related to the changes and didn't mention Bonnie at all, deciding rather to blame it all on a thyroid disorder. It was a tall ask, I knew that, and I wasn't too surprised when Rick, stormed out of the house vowing never to speak to me again. I knew he'd be back eventually, and that, in time, we would all be a family again. The rest of the family was mixed but accepting. My dad wanted to make sure that I had seen all the doctors and tried everything I could before I went through with it. He and I sat up all night, sipping Macallan and talking before he finally hugged me and gave me his blessing.

"Hailey, huh, you do know that's what I wanted to name you if you had been a girl, well born a girl. Your mom wanted Hazel," he smiled at me, "Looks like I won that one in the end," 'Hazel... we both laughed.

We beat our date at work by a full month and the entire team was rewarded with a very nice bonus and six weeks rotating sabbaticals to compensate for all the extra time they had put in. I would take mine immediately after the Christmas holiday and would come back to work with a new gender, name, and a new role as Dave had been promoted to Director and Hailey Smith would be taking his old position as development manager over new initiatives.