The Emasculation of Henry Smith

Victor talked to me softly, "Jerry told me everything. I am so sorry. That is so very wrong, even for New York, you are going to be Ok, though, I promise, I will do anything to make sure you are Ok," the concern in his voice was reassuring; I was not alone?

"Do I have a choice, it's not like Dr. Parker can put it back and make it all work again, now is it," it sounded more cynical than I had wanted. It was true and I felt a little better for having said it.

Victor chuckled anyway, "No, I guess not."

"Besides," I continued, half trying to convince myself, "I had some time to come to grips with all this before I got here, thanks to some really awesome friends," I glanced at Mike, I felt better. "And the funniest part is that, In spite of herself, I think April did me a favor," I actually smiled, "You can kiss me again, if you want to," I batted my eyelashes at him.

"He most certainly cannot," Jerry had moved behind Victor and was looking at the two of us rather sternly! Victor did it anyway. Jerry just laughed and hugged his husband.

It was Dr. Parker's turn. Victor surrendered his seat and Mike took over Jerry's spot behind the chair. I could see Victor making up to Jerry for his transgressions, they were such a perfect couple. Dr. Parker told me all about how well the surgery had gone and that everything still looked good; she had been told about what had happened and had had checked to make sure I hadn't torn anything when I had my 'attack.' She told me that I had been right, there wasn't much anybody could do now if what I had learned had changed my mind in some way.

I assured her that, if anything, it affirmed my decision.

She and I talked for about half an hour about expectations and a general schedule, I would be in the hospital for about four days, another week before I would be released to go home, I needed to check in every day to make sure everything was healing properly. I could stay in a small apartment upstairs or, Victor and Jerry had offered to let me stay with them. It would be probably six weeks before I could go back to work, and no strenuous exercise for at least eight.

She had briefed Mike on the details of after care for this specific surgery and was confident I would be in excellent hands once I got home. She showed me a large packet of information containing everything she had just told me, and a lot more, that she had brought for me to review, "I'll see you in the morning," she smiled broadly, "you are going to be just fine," she looked at Mike, Victor and Jerry, "Just fine," and walked out of the room.

I convinced Mike to go home with Victor and Jerry and take a break. I knew he hadn't really slept since before the surgery and the incident with Bonnie and April had taken a big toll, "Mike, I'll be fine. This is one of the best facilities in the whole country. I think you can trust them to take care of me for just a little while. And besides, you look like shit," I tried not to laugh. He finally agreed. They all kissed me, some more emphatically than others, and left me to myself and that large packet of information Dr. Parker had left.

I sat by myself for a long time just thinking about all that had happened and trying to figure out what had really been going on between Bonnie and me. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I picked up my phone, found Bonnie's number and hit dial. It rang three times before I hung up and called Ben. We talked for over an hour. When I hung up, I had a missed call from Bonnie's number, there was no message. I put my phone in my purse and picked up the packet.

Mike was back before I knew it and Victor and Jerry stopped by every day with more flowers. Dr. Parker came by bright and early every morning. I was healing fine. Before I knew it, we were leaving the hospital and moving in with Victor and Jerry for the next week. They all made sure I made my daily appointments with Dr. Parker and Mike even started joining her on her morning rounds, just to pick her brain and watch how she worked. He even assisted on another surgery.

Ben flew out to join us on the trip home, just like Mike, he had clicked immediately with Victor and Jerry, but they had that effect on everybody. I asked him about the note, smiling broadly at the implication, "About fucking time. You two have been driving me nuts ever since you met," he paused and a wide grin crossed his face, "pretty incredible isn't he," we both laughed? I decided I knew two things; first, Ben and Mike absolutely loved each other, and two, I had no idea how their relationship worked.

Victor and Jerry treated us to dinner out that night and the next morning, we headed home. It was nice to be home and as much as I tried not to listen, I could hear exactly how much Ben and Mike had missed each other. I unpacked and dumped my purse on the bed to clean it out. I noticed another missed call from the same number, someone had stayed on the line just long enough to leave three seconds of silence before hanging up. After four more weeks, it was time to move home. I hired some cleaners and spent the weekend getting it ready to move back in, finding that the memories it brought of Bonnie were only the good ones and I could handle that.

When I returned to work. It was like nothing had changed. There were a few random, Henry's but other than that, it was business as usual. Our project had been handed off to sustaining development and the team was already scoping the next one. Most of my time was taken up with managing the team and less and less of it doing development. I quickly found that I had a knack for it. I seemed to have an empathy, a sense of what it took to make sure everybody was happy and in the right role. The team was tighter and performing better than it ever had before. I joked that it was because I wasn't writing code anymore. The team, and it turns out, my superiors, had decided that I was just very good at my new role. The confidence that instilled in me and my team made us even more powerful.

By the time July came around and I was scheduled for my facial surgery, I had a finely tuned machine up and running and knew exactly who I was going to leave at the wheel in my absence, fully expecting them to not even know I was gone.

The facial reconstruction was by far, worse than the reassignment, mostly because I could see the bandages, and then the scars every time I looked in the mirror. It took every day of my six weeks before I was ready to go back to work, I found that, once again, it was like nothing had changed and my trust had not been misplaced, the team was rocking, ahead of schedule, again, and looking like it wasn't going to change.

When October rolled around, Dave asked me to lunch, he was going to leave the company and start his own thing and wanted me to join him. I politely declined, wishing him the best of luck and promised that I wouldn't say anything until he gave me permission. He never would and I never did. When it finally happened, it was not pretty, Dave had poached key people from throughout the company and a legal battle was coming. I was proud that none of my team had taken the bait. It pained me that when I was given Dave's job, the people I trusted most to repair the damage he had done were all on my team and I was going to have to destroy what I had built to save something bigger. It was one of my junior developers that helped me understand, Cindy was raised on a farm in Idaho, "You know when you want to grow potatoes, you cut one potato apart and bury the pieces, then you get a ton more potatoes." It was a simple analogy that everybody understood, and it made more than my task at work clearer. Sometimes you have to destroy something good to make something better.

I talked to all my managers. Together, we made some quick reassignments to plug some critical holes and laid out a plan for a directorate wide reorg after the first of the year. I called an all hands and laid out the plan to all my teams and spent an hour taking questions and explaining that there was more work than we could handle and, for anybody willing to step up, a boat load of opportunity. The excitement drove us to the end of the year and gave my leadership team the time it needed to plan the reorg.

I finally got a break Christmas eve and booked a flight to New York. I got room, 701 this time, Tony was still in the bar and Maggie was still next door at the diner. I took my time exploring the city and enjoying my time off, I even took in a play on Broadway. My only regret was that I was doing it by myself. I thought about Ben and Mike and decided that as much as I loved them, I had monopolized too much of their lives over the past two years. I thought about my family and understood that they would always be there for me and, in fact had all wanted me to come home, even Rick, and I tought about Bonnie. I knew that there was one more thing I had to do before I could move on and it would be at Victor and Jerry's on New Year's Eve.

The dress I picked out was stunning. I wanted everybody to see me walk in the door, and it worked. I left my coat and purse, and a small package I had brought for Victor and Jerry with the coat check and walked into the party. Jerry saw me first and I heard an audible gasp. Victor beamed at me from across the room and I think someone dropped their drink. I saw Bonnie and April near the bar and decided I needed my old friend McCallan at my side to do what I needed to do. April didn't recognize me, but I knew Bonnie did and I caught her smile as I worked my way through the crowd. Victor met me at the bar and gave me a big hug and a kiss, Jerry was soon right by his side, "you two, am I going to have to chaperone all night or will you promise to behave," I kissed him too and Victor laughed.

April had spirited Bonnie away to the other side of the room, realizing that the small group she was commanding had turned their attention to the stunning 6'7" redhead that had just floated across the room in the strappy, bright red, four inch heels and matching, skin tight cocktail dress, just long enough to not get her arrested.

I smiled at Victor and Jerry as I picked up my drink, "Don't let me forget, I bought something for the two of you. I want to make sure you get it before the night is over."

Jerry looked surprised, "I love surprises, what about right now? Do we get a hint? Is it something you wear or something you eat or maybe drink? I hope it's good champagne, you know I love champagne. Very nice job on your makeup, by the way..." Victor kissed him just to get him to stop talking and we headed back across the room to the coat check where I retrieved the package.

"I think we should go someplace a little more private for this," I took Victors hand and gave the package to Jerry as we headed down the hall toward the small apartment. Jerry had started trying to guess what was in the box.

We sat down int the sitting area by the doors to the dressing closet and Jerry opened the box. The first thing out was the wig they had given me followed by the breast forms and the gaff, "I guess you don't need these anymore, do you," Jerry joked.

"No, and I can't thank you guys enough for the way you have accepted me. You were the first to make me feel like this was, well, normal," I smiled at them, "there's more," I looked at Jerry.

He reached in and pulled out a red lacey thing that looked a lot like a jock strap, "what in god's green graces is this," he held it up for victor to see. Victor was just as confused as Jerry.

"Well, let me show you. Victor would you help me out," I reached over and took the chastity belt from Jerry, "I'll need you to strip, if you don't mind, just from the waist down," I smiled broadly, " Trust me, ok," I looked at him, "Like I trusted you." Victor shook his head, got up and started to undo his pants.

I helped him into the belt just like Bonnie had helped me the first time, adjusting it and finally closing the clasp, "How does it feel? Bonnie designed it for me to wear and I think they're really comfortable."

Victor moved around a little and looked at himself in the mirror, "Bonnie designed this? I now a bunch of 'girls' that would love these. It's a lot more comfortable than taping or a regular gaff and, well, can I pee in this thing," it was exactly the response I was hoping for.

"Yes, you can and it's that wicking material so if you get it wet, it dries really fast."

"Jerry had pulled the other three out of the box and was holding up the chain with the key and lock on it, "And what, may I ask, is this for," he held it out.

"That, my dear Jerry, is for you,' he looked confused. I took the chain and unlocked the lock. I walked over to Victor who was seriously checking himself out in the mirror, got down in my knees and put the lock in place. Victor froze when he heard the audible click of the lock. I tossed the key to Jerry who burst out laughing.

"You are 'so mine' now; you big flirt," Jerry got up and walked over to Victor teasing him with the key.

"Jerry, I have been 'so yours' since the day you came to my first show and told me how bad my makeup was. It's why I married you," he kissed Jerry passionately and put his pants back on over the chastity belt, "I think I need to talk to Bonnie; she may have something here. It won't make her rich but it sure won't hurt," he tucked in his shirt and we headed back to the party. Jerry slipped the key around his neck and tucked it in his shirt.

The party was just as much fun as it had been the first time. I talked to everybody and even helped Jerry pass out the champagne before the ball dropped. April had figured out who I was and was doing everything she could to keep me away from her and Bonnie. I wasn't overtly chasing them but was enjoying the extents she was going to, to avoid me. It was about an hour after midnight when she finally cornered herself, "Just what the fuck do you want from me anyway, you, you psychotic bitch," she screamed," grabbing her arm, April tried to pull Bonnie behind her?

"Not a goddamned thing April," I smiled and looked at Bonnie, "You look really nice tonight, by the way," April fumed.

"Thank you," Bonnie said as she tried to pull herself free from April.

"I just want you to come home, Bonnie. Whenever you're ready. April, you can go to hell for all I care," I turned and walked away.

16.

The holidays came and went with April and me spending them at home, we had plans to go to Victor's party and I was looking forward to it more than anything I had all year. April bought us new dresses, not the ones she had promised me so long ago, but we looked stunning. We got there early. April was in rare form, just like the night I met her, she was electric, the room belonged to her. Her only competition was Victor until 'she' walked in the door, my gawd she was tall, ad stunningly beautiful, wearing a short red cocktail dress and four-inch heels, the room stopped. I heard Jerry gasp, and somebody dropped their drink. I recognized her immediately, it was Hailey. April noticed my smile first and then saw 'her', not liking my reaction, she dragged me away to the far side of the room. When she realized who it was, she did everything she could to keep me away from her for the rest of the night. It was almost comical, until April maneuvered us into a position with no escape.

Hailey finally walked up to us and April exploded, calling her a 'psychotic bitch', and demanding to know what she wanted from her anyway.

"Not a goddamned thing, April," Hailey didn't ever flinch. She looked at me, complimented me on how nice I looked and said, "I just want you to come home, Bonnie. Whenever you're ready. April, you can go to hell for all I care," My heart burst, she didn't hate me, for some reason, she didn't hate me. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or both. In the instant it had taken me to realize what she had said, Hailey had turned around and was walking away. I watched her walk across the room and felt a sadness growing inside me as she got her things from the coat check and walked out the door.

Everybody had heard the exchange and I caught Jerry looking at me intently from across the room, "Go," he mouthed, "Go, now," and I knew he was right. I pulled my arm free from Aprils grip.

April was stunned, not believing how she had just been treated, her cheeks were bright red and her eyes showed a rage I had rarely seen, "What the hell do you think you are doing Bonnie? You are NOT going anywhere!" she tried to grab my arm again and I slapped her as hard as I could, "But, you owe me, you owe me everything. You're nothing without me," she was getting desperate, I could tell.

Victor had made his appearance, trying to quell the disturbance, "Victor, can you please give me a ride to the airport,' April was beside herself.

"Of course, Bonnie. My pleasure. We should have time to stop by your apartment and pick up what you want before you leave," he glared at April, "that WILL NOT be a problem, will it, April," she was speechless? It wasn't.

The only ticket I could get was a late afternoon flight, I would get to Austin at almost midnight, but I was going home. I made sure to find my Hotel California t-shirt and the little framed wine label, they needed to go home, too.

By the time I left, April was begging me to stay, promising that things would be different, I could go back to work, we could call the designer and get our wedding dresses made, it would be like it was supposed to be, "maybe it will April. I hope you find someone that you can be happy with. To be honest, I really don't care. I think, with time and a lot of work, though, Hailey and I will be just fine," and I left. It was snowing. I spent the night with Victor and Jerry, and they took me to the airport for my flight.

I called Ben, "Bonnie, what's the matter, are you ok, what do you need, did April do something?"

"Um, Ben, I'm actually very good, I think, I mean really very good. I'm at Victors. Ben; Hailey asked me to come home, can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow night? I was finally strong enough to leave April, Ben. I'm coming home," he was floored. I told him about the party and how comical it was the way April tried to avoid Hailey and how amazing it was when Hailey had just owned her, right there in front of everybody and how she had said she just wanted me to come home, no pressure, just whenever I was ready.

I paused for a long minute, "Ben, how can she not hate me for what I did to her? Can this be real?"

"Bonnie, Hailey and I talked about this and about you a lot, she loves you and wants it to work. She knows it is not going to be easy and that the two of you have a ton of baggage, but she believes that, together, and with help, it will work," he had said the same thing my therapist had said to me, so many times. I really was going home.

17.

It started to snow by the time I got back to my room, I stood and watched the magic from my window. My flight home was uneventful, and it felt good to sleep in my own bed, even if I was by myself. I finally had the closure I was looking for and that was worth more than anything. I slept like a baby that night, better than I had in a very long time. When I woke up, a familiar blend or aromas filled the house. I leapt out of bed and ran into the kitchen, "So, you want a cup of coffee," Bonnie asked? She was wearing the Hotel California shirt. Her eyes blazed emerald green.

Epilogue

Bonnie moved into the guest room.

It wasn't easy. We both knew it wouldn't be. Bonnie and I talked and fought and cried and shared and then did it all again. I had Ben and he had helped Bonnie find her own therapist and we had a third that saw us both.

It would get ugly and Bonnie would go and stay with Ben and Mike, and then it would get better, and she would come back home. Neither of us were willing to give up. It was six months before we slept in the same bed and three more before we had sex, we were taking it slowly, getting to know who each other really was and figuring out what it really meant to love someone and let them love you in return; neither of us had ever had that. It was working and it was worth the wait.