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Click hereEveryone was quiet for a couple of minutes. We couldn't do anything for the time. I also knew I had to practice all I could to get up to speed with the rest of the cuthren. People who had years of experience using magic and me just learning. When I asked who could take me to my car Sarah jumped at the chance to take me. I thought it was more than that and with the knowledge I just learned I knew I had to be skeptical of anything that was going to happen.
By the time we made it to my car we both knew a lot more about each other. She went to the other school across town and that's why I hadn't seen her before. Having lots in common helped with the conversation. The doubts were planted though. Was she really like this or was it an act to get close to me.
As I said goodbye and was about to get out of the truck that she had brought me in she reached out and grabbed my arm and stopped me. Looking back into her eyes and seeing her nervousness there kind of weakened my resolve for a moment.
"I know you need your strength. Would you let me buy you some food before we leave?" It was just over a whisper. I hadn't even thought of food but knew my body had to be craving it. I accepted and we walked hand in hand in the mall that we had left my car at. Discussing our options for food as we walked down the main area looking at all the stores.
We stopped at a big chain chicken restaurant and got some chicken sandwiches. That I paid for. I wouldn't let a woman pay. It just wasn't in me to do that. I would feel bad if I ever let that happen. It began to feel like a date in my mind. I wasn't sure if it was but it felt nice to be out with a beautiful woman like that. Her argument that she asked me so she should pay wasn't enough to stop me though. I quickly gave the cashier my debit card. I didn't have a lot of money but by doing odd computer jobs I had some savings. I also had my dad's credit card to use for emergencies. Just so I could concentrate on school.
The conversation flowed freely between us as we ate. It made me feel at ease with her. With the doubts coming back into my mind I told myself that I wouldn't find out if it was her or not if I pushed her away. I had to keep her close to me. Then I pulled her to me and put my arm around her waist and she leaned into me.
Her hair smelled of strawberries. Not thinking much of it before but now I realized that I love that smell. After we finished eating we walked around the mall for another hour or so until my parents texted me asking me to be home soon for us to have a talk. I would've been much happier spending time with Sarah.
Beginning to walk our way back out to our vehicles is when that group from yesterday began to follow us. I knew I couldn't make a scene and didn't want Sarah in harm's way either. Just in case she was being serious with us and not the traitor.
Sarah hadn't noticed them following us yet. As we turned the last corner to exit the mall I began to speed up and pull her with me. Hoping they wouldn't try something in the open with people around. I pulled her into the mens restroom with me and shut the door. Thankfully no one was in there. I had to try something though.
Grabbing her in a hug I imagined me and her in her truck as we began to dematerialize. Materializing back inside the vehicle she was confused and shocked. Not knowing what had just happened. Knowing the group was on their way. I quickly told her I had to go and she needed to get out of here quickly. I leaned in and kissed her cheek and jumped out the truck.
As I was pulling my car out onto the main highway Sarah was behind me still with that expression on her face. Then it hit me. Were the group there because Sarah told them. It was her idea to take me to get my car and then get food. She could have easily let them know.
Then knowing I had to talk with my parents when I got home. Could I be skeptical of them. I really didn't believe they would be traitors like that. Or put me in harm's way. I knew this conversation was going to be a delicate situation.
Sitting in my car looking at the house I was pulled from my thoughts with a text message. It was Sarah asking what happened at the mall. I sent one back saying I would explain later when I could. Then began to walk into the house. Both parents were sitting at the table like we had done so many times in the past. It made me wonder if this would be the last due to the conversation that was about to happen.
- COMMENTS
N7Spectrealmost 3 years agoAuthorThis is the type of criticism i have been after. You can go to the contact page and email me. I would very much request you do so. I would like to speak with you further. Thank you so much for the comment.
Anonymousalmost 3 years agoA few criticisms - it's all just exposition. Exposition and more exposition. Everything, every important bit of plot is laid out verbally in a conversation. You need to show your readers things. You need to make them visualise the plot instead of just having it done in conversations between characters. The main character has gone from nerdy wow player to magic man in three short chapters without much said about his path there.
There's suddenly a bad guy that we're hearing about that isn't shown but narrated. "Bad guy does X and Y and Z and so he is dangerous" isn't a convincing way of presenting an antagonist. He has to be shown. The main character has to experience the antagonist via confrontation. He has to experience the danger he's in. And most importantly the reader has to experience why the bad guy is bad. We have to feel that his involvement poses an actual threat the the MC. Who is Alan Cuth? Why is he important? Why is he dangerous? What can the MC do? You have to expand on all these points and convince the reader that he is a formidable antagonist. Instead, you've covered it in about a paragraph.
It's like you have a plot measured out in your mind and are just filling the pages with the description of how it would be. You need to learn how to draw the reader into the plot and that needs to be done via a coherent and engaging presentation of the plot. Right now, it's like the voiceover exposition you hear at the start of some movies, except the whole movie in this case is just the voiceover. The plot has promise. Flesh it out in your presentation and flesh out your characters. And stop having them smirk all the time. Good luck!
