All Comments on 'The Family Business Ch. 01'

Premise-wise, the story is fine. You can take any genre available and use your magic touch, loosely speaking here, and make the story work.

What's really damaging this story is the constant switching of narrative between multiple characters. It felt completely disjointed and sapped away interest at a remarkable rate when I began to feel invested in Julie's personality and mannerisms, then out of nowhere to some other guy when it wasn't welcomed. Swapping character point of views like this does nothing for the story, this is further exacerbated by the fact there are at least 7 characters being introduced rapidly.

The pacing of this introduction is done poorly, as a result it doesn't start nearly as strongly as most of your other stories.

Fair critique, and thank you for it. I don't love perspective jumps, but I obviously need to work on them more if I plan to use them again.

It might have been smart of me to release this in smaller pieces so you only get one of the two viewpoints per chapter, so I might do that going forward.

Either way, I appreciate you weighing in. I wondered why this wasn't doing as well and I think you've given me a satisfying answer.

So far i love this story except the personality jumping but other than that i feel you uave introduced the characters well and described them so well i can actually picture in my mind andrea and maria right down to the pussy tufts with their letters. I agree if you were to focus on one character per chapter it would be easier to read but definetely keep going. 1 and a half thumbs up...

It's alright, but I'd like to see the action happen a bit sooner sometimes.

It is funny.. Maybe absurd... Only a few mistakes, but I think the changing perspective is definitely not your friend here. There are very few instances where it does work..

great story line very hot cant wait for 2nd part ..

I've been a long time fan of your work and really enjoyed the build up in this particular piece. It's shockingly similar to an ongoing head fantasy that I have. I think the reason that his story has not been scoring so well is because you left us with a cliffhanger, a proverbial "continued next time" that left us all blue balled. While the multiple perspective aspect is a bit sloppy I think it's a great idea for a big orgy scene. It helps give variance by having the two perspectives, a girl and a guy, interacting with the different characters and each other. So don't drop that part entirely, just give it a few more rewrites and find ways to better transition between the two. Whelp, back to masterbating.

Great start...not much dialog when all you do is fuck the next person. So........

HAVE AT IT