The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

I remember my nursing training well. Actually no, I remember parts of the university experience well. It was 12 or so years ago and I was 26. I'd been married to Rob for over four years. He was my first and I thought he was the one. We went out for a couple of years before I asked him when he was going to ask me to marry him. It was all very businesslike. He never went down on one knee. He asked me to choose the ring I liked.

Graduating high school was good, but I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life and after twelve months of an arts degree I had had enough and gotten a job in a bank. That's where I met Rob. He was eight years older than me. Me being a virgin at 20 may not have been that much of a shock to many people. I think I should have questioned why he was still one at 28. He was initially hesitant to have sex- perhaps we should wait until we were married he had suggested. I persuaded him one night to massage my clit with his cock and he was in me before he knew what was happening.

It was pleasant enough I suppose. I had nothing to go on and neither did he. To be honest, I couldn't see what the fuss was about. It probably wasn't helped by the fact he only ever lasted a couple of minutes. But we were married one September in a nice enough ceremony surrounded by family and friends. His parents didn't like me very much. They thought I was too young for their son, despite my mother-in-law stating I had nice wide childbearing hips the first time I met her.

We tried for several years to have children and nothing happened. Part of the process towards IVF saw us undergo couples' therapy. We were both still working in the bank albeit at separate branches. We lived in a nice enough 2-bedroom house in the suburbs that we were renting whilst we saved for a deposit on a house.

For several years I had been wondering what to do with my life. I hated working in the bank. The therapy was good in that it quickly identified what was wrong in our marriage- Rob didn't think he had a lot of say in decisions and I complained when he was so indecisive. Part of the therapy process saw me open up about not liking working in the bank. I mentioned that I thought I would like to become a nurse. Rob seemed indifferent. I did the sums and told him that in cutting back to two days per week at the bank and using all my leave for placements would see us having to tighten our budget a little bit however it would only delay saving for a house deposit by twelve months.

I was also not sure if I really wanted to be a mother. I knew Rob yearned for fatherhood, but this was something I was indifferent to. I told him I was happy to continue trying for children whilst I studied and he seemed happy enough for me to enrol. We stopped the therapy and I was able to point out to Rob how much we were saving not undergoing IVF. I told Rob I was more than happy to keep practicing for a child. Rob simply replied, "What Sarah wants, Sarah gets."

Rob enjoyed the blowjobs I gave him however he always refused to go down on me saying it was smelly and unnatural. He made it well known to me that he preferred missionary, however would occasionally let me get on top and ride him. We tried doggy style early on in our relationship, however his penis was quite small, and he was never able to reach. He told me it was my big bum.

I didn't think I had an overly large bum. I exercised regularly and thought I was quite fit. I had curves but was not considered overweight medically. I wore my dark hair long as Rob made it clear he preferred it that way. To be honest, it didn't bother me one way or the other. I thought we were relatively happy.

Come February I started uni. I was older than a lot of the students at 27, but I got along well with them. I actually don't remember a lot about my nursing training, I mean, it must have been satisfactory as I have had a stellar career, but it was my elective that affected me the most.

I had always loved music and studied flute at school playing in the orchestra and band. I also sang in the school choir and everyone said I had a beautiful voice. One of the electives was offered through the small education department at the university- 'Jazz history.' I noted that the lecturer also lectured in the imaginatively titled 'Music 1' and 'Music 2.' I emailed the lecturer asking if, as a nursing student, I could enrol in Music 1 instead as it suited my timetable better. I remember the reply as being quite gruff however I did not take this to heart and enrolled in the subject. It was held at a different campus, but one that was closer to our home.

The first class saw our lecturer arrive. Nick Lawrence strode into the small classroom, his dark curly hair frizzed due to the humidity of the February day. He wore a long-sleeved shirt and chinos and looked like he would rather be anywhere else except in this classroom. I would have picked him to be a little older than me, but not much.

Instead of taking a roll, he made us go around and introduce ourselves. Everyone else in the class was an education student. Again, I was the eldest, but I loved hearing about the others I was studying with. When it came to me I kept it simple "Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm a nursing student. I, um, sing a little and play the flute, well I did but I haven't played for a few years now." Nick stopped and said "Ah yes, the nurse- I need to see you after class."

Nick introduced himself, "I studied music after leaving school, specialising in jazz flute, I then did a Diploma of Education and taught for a year or so in schools before some further study which saw me end up here. Do I like this job? Sometimes. Is it what I want to do with my life, not really, but it pays the bills."

No one questioned our lecturer, however I felt sad that he was working in an unfulfilling job and thought to tell him after class how I understood what that was like.

The class was the strangest and most invigorating lesson I had ever experienced. Nick talked of chord progressions and had his guitar beside him swapping between the large grand piano in the corner of the room and the guitar telling us about different styles of music and classic chord progressions. At one stage he said "No one will know this, but if you do..." and started the chords to the classic Roberta Flack song 'The first time ever I saw your face.' I sang along and saw the jaws of my classmates drop.

"The first time ever I saw your face

I thought the sun rose in your eyes

And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave

To the dark and the endless skies."

Nick stopped after the first verse and there was a long pause. "I'm sorry, I knew the words and it's such a beautiful song..." I started.

Nick's whole demeanour changed. "No, no. Thank you Sarah, that was indeed beautiful. I actually think I am going to enjoy this semester for a change."

I remember blushing. There were a few more class singalongs with songs that more people knew and before we knew it the hour was over. I stayed to see Nick as he had asked.

"Oh, Sarah, yes, sorry, um, I was going to ask you to clarify your musical experience, however it was clear in the class you have a first rate voice and I think you are going to fit right in- I'm sorry to have doubted your abilities."

I laughed, "It's fine Mr Lawrence, I can see that it would be unusual to have students other than education students enrol in your classes, except for the jazz history."

"Sarah, we aren't at school and I insist all students call me Nick."

"OK then Nick." I smiled, "Oh and never stay in a job you hate- what do you really want to do?"

I had assumed Nick wanted to make music and perhaps travel in a band but is response surprised me. He told me he wanted to become a music therapist. I had investigated the same career however it was not offered in our state and I knew I was not in a position to travel interstate to travel- Rob would never had agreed to it.

The rest of the semester flew by and Nick and I developed a habit of bantering in class. We would both laugh and his deep blue eyes would gaze at me. At one stage, Tracey one of the education students told me I should just drag him into his office and shag him because it looked like that's what we both wanted. I was indeed attracted to Nick, but I was married. It didn't help that when Rob and I did make love, I would imagine he was Nick.

We were only allowed one elective, however towards the end of the semester Nick again pulled me aside. "Sarah, I really enjoy the vibe you bring to the class, I know you can't enrol in any more electives, but if you have a free hour each week, I'd love you to join our Music 2 class next semester. I know you could get no credit from it, so I won't expect you to hand in assignments or anything, but it's nice having you around." I readily agreed and told Nick I could think of nothing nicer.

Over the semester break the unthinkable happened and Rob and I found ourselves pregnant. I was shocked as we had been married for almost 8 years and not used contraception in this time. Finally, something had stuck. Rob was deliriously happy. We discovered that I could complete my second semester of study and then take six or twelve months off. Although it was a relatively easy pregnancy, I kept waiting for something to go wrong. I did not show for a while and wore baggy shirts.

In one of the Music 2 classes we were in the rehearsal room singing away and I fainted. Nick was straight over to me to see that I was ok. When I told him I was, I was just pregnant, his face dropped. I had honestly thought that the back and forward banter between us was a joke of some sort and never really considered Nick might actually be interested in me. He seemed almost hurt. I tried to cover things with a joke, however Nick's manner towards me changed.

During the last week of term when my classmates were readying themselves for assessments, I approached Nick and thanked him for having me in the class. I told him I had learnt more in his classes than I had in any of my nursing classes. I asked him for a hug and in front of the class he hugged me, pulling me in and wrapping his arms around me. It felt amazing. I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him and turned and left the room before he could see the tears in my eyes.

Tracey followed me. "I think you made Nick cry, Sarah, plus, that hug was a little longer than it needed to be. I think you should tell him how you feel!"

Oh, to be 19 again I thought. I tried to explain to Tracey that I couldn't tell Nick what I felt because I didn't know what I felt. I was married to Rob and carrying his child. I had made my bed and now I needed to lie on it.

Baby Jessica was safely delivered the following April. Rob was a doting father. He had progressed in the bank to assistant manager status, but it was his role of father he really relished. He stopped putting in extra hours at work and would be home in time to bath Jess. He seemed to want to care for me too and was more attentive around the home loading dishwashers and bringing in laundry. It did not go unnoticed.

I finished my degree part-time and started working as a nurse. Shift work was not very conducive to a young family and as soon as I could I found a Monday to Friday job in the clinics at the hospital. There was a reduction in pay as I was not working shifts and not working weekends, but I figured having me home was a better option.

Jess was almost 5 when I discovered Rob was having an affair with a co-worker, a male co-worker. It explained so much about our sex life or lack thereof. Rob was so apologetic and beside himself when I approached him, but as I told him then I forgave him, I simply wished he had been honest with me from the start and told me about his sexuality. There had been signs from time to time, but I ignored them. We had by this stage purchased a house together. I suggested to Rob that he buy me out of the house with some of his retirement fund as his was much more than mine as I had not worked a lot when studying and when Jess was a baby.

The main sticking point was that I wanted to move a few hours away to be closer to my parents who had offered to babysit Jess whilst I worked shifts. Jess was about to start school and I figured night duty would be much better if I could drop her at school and then sleep after my mother or father had looked after Jess. Rob did see the benefits in this proposal and agreed as long as he had every second weekend with Jess and at least half the school holidays. It was a great proposal and it worked well for many years.

I had never entirely forgotten about Nick. I tried to google him every so often, however he had always kept to himself. No Facebook or any social media and a few lines here and there about concerts he had been involved in and the like. Plus, I had moved away. I dated a couple of guys after Rob, but nothing very serious came of them. I never liked any guy enough to want to sleep with him.

When Jess was 12 she won a scholarship to boarding school based on her musical ability. Rob and I were both so proud of her and my parents could not wait to tell everyone how special she was. I remember being surprised when I bumped into Tracey who I had studied with in the music classes at uni. She ended up being one of Jess's favourite teachers. When she found out about my divorce she immediately told me I needed to look up Nick Lawrence.

"Oh Tracey," I said, "That was twelve years ago and I'm pretty sure he's moved on."

"Well I'm tutoring at the uni two evenings a week and he's no longer there, so yes, he has moved on I suppose." Tracey informed me. We laughed and Tracey told me I perhaps then needed to find myself a nice young doctor and one for her too!

My parents had retired and were wanting to travel so I moved back to the city. I was an experienced ED nurse and had worked on many wards, but I looked for variety and took a job in the nursing pool at a large hospital. This meant that whenever I turned up for a shift I went to fill in gaps usually left by staff calling in sick.

One Monday morning I was sent to work on the dementia ward. I enjoyed working with the oldies and listening to their stories. At morning briefing we were told there was singing group that morning and if the patients wanted to join, the music therapist would be there around 11am. It was down the other end of the ward to where I was working. My colleagues took the patients that wanted to go down, except for Mrs Davis. Mrs Davis had declined the invitation however was also becoming increasingly agitated. I suggested that I wheel Mrs Davis down anyway and perhaps some music might settle her.

I was halfway down the corridor when I heard the patients singing "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do, I'm half crazy, oh for the love of you." I joined in with Mrs Davis who was becoming calmer. I was still singing when I rounded the corner into the music area, however I gasped and stopped in my tracks when I saw who was taking the group- Nick Lawrence. He looked just as amazing as I remembered from twelve years ago. He was still wearing the long-sleeved shirt and chinos and his hair was messier than ever, but those blue eyes and that smile!

Nick seemed just as shocked to see me. I gave him a wave and saw with Mrs Davis for a bit to ensure she was settled. She was crying with the songs that Nick was singing with them. At the end of the set Nick stopped and looked at me and smiled and shook his head. I could not stop smiling as well. Nick addressed the patients, "Ladies and Gentlemen, a few years ago I used to lecture at the university and Nurse Sarah who is with you this morning was one of my students and I'm not sure if any of you have noticed, but she has a voice like a nightingale. I'm hoping she remembers this one and joins in to sing a verse or two for you."

Nick reached for his guitar and started playing those epic Roberta Flack chords. The tears were welling in my eyes, but I managed to sing the verse as I had done in our first music class. The room was silent when we finished before Mrs Davis started clapping and soon the rest of the patients were clapping too. One of the ward nurses told me that they wanted me there every time there was singing group and I was welcome to come and give concerts whenever I liked. I laughed it off.

The singing over I started helping patients back to their rooms for lunch. One of the senior nurses who was helping me with the patients had seen my singing and noted the way Nick looked at me. "Sarah, I think we're all good- why don't you take an early lunch and go and help Nick clear up."

I knew that was what I wanted to do more than anything else, but I was also so scared to find out what had been happening with Nick- was he in a relationship? I felt something between us as we sang, but I also recognised it had been far too long since I had had sex and I probably would have connected with anyone who started singing with me. I found Nick as he was about to leave.

"Nick, wow, you look great! Um, I've just been sent for lunch- do you want to grab a quick bite in the cafeteria?" I had decided to take my chance.

"Sarah, I look old and haggard I think!" Nick replied, "But you look just as radiant as you did what was it 10 years ago? How is your husband? Did you have more children?"

"We need lunch, Nick, actually, my stories will take longer than lunch! The short version is Jess is amazing! She's 12 now and on a music scholarship. In the end my marriage didn't work."

"Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear that," replied Nick in a tone that indicated he was indeed sorry for me.

We arrived at the staff canteen and sat down opposite each other with our lunches.

"You are right Sarah, it would be 12 years because it's 11 years since I moved to study Music Therapy. I've been living interstate since then and I'm only just back this year."

With everything Nick was telling me I was looking for hints, trying to work out if he was single or not. We made more small talk, however before too long I knew I had to be back on the ward.

"Nick, I have no idea if you are married or with anyone or anything, but I'm still quite single and I would love to catch up sometime, even if it is just to reminisce or to sing together or whatever." I was looking into my lap and hoping I was not becoming too red. This was so unlike me.

Nick was quiet for a while. I was expecting a response so needed to look up. I saw him smiling with tears rolling down his cheeks. Oh no, I thought to myself what have I done? I reached out and took his hand and tried to apologise, but he held his finger to my lips as if to shush me.

"Sarah, I would like nothing more than spending time with you. Can we perhaps have dinner together tonight?"

We agreed on a time and place and I made my way back to the ward. People were still talking about my singing and the manager of the ward asked if I was interested in a permanent position. I told her I was happy moving around at the moment but might consider something in the future. Several of the nurses commented on the way Nick looked at me whilst I was singing with one telling me that the lust that filled the room was palpable.

I finished my shift and went home for a shower before my dinner engagement. I did not want to call it a date. I had made it pretty clear that I was single, however Nick had made no protestations despite his tears. We were not going anywhere flashy for dinner- a pasta restaurant, but I did not want to underdress. I decided on a floral dress. The V-neck emphasised my breasts and the empire line waist would hide the big bum I was so self-conscious about even after all these years. I put on some dangly earrings, some mascara and lip loss and headed out.

Nick was already at the restaurant. He beamed when he saw me and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. "Sarah, I was floored when I heard you this morning- and I heard you singing Daisy before I saw you! I could have recognised that voice anywhere!" Nick smiled, "It really is amazing seeing you again after all this time."